1 I am sure the money you make is way more than your hospital bill, but to me, it is not worth it. 2 Hold the entrance song! I think I need to go get sick. Oh yea, definitely sick. I may be a while. I may walk out the back door instead. 3 I have to agree that coming walking in to a good song with people cheering for you is super cool, but that’s about it. 4 Excuse me. This isn’t a girl. She is built like a man and is tatted up like a prisoner. 5 Hey, I am stuck in here. Where’s the door? The walls are a chain-link fence. It feels claustrophobic. 6 Oh God, it smells like sweat and blood in here. Gross. Did someone wipe this down with bleach? 7 Hey, put some socks on! Did you cut your toenails? Gross! Get your feet away from me. 8 Oh no! You have me in a chokehold! Your pits stink. 9 Is my nose supposed to be on the side of my face? 10 Thank God it’s over. I lost but I didn’t die. Give me a mirror. Who the heck is that? I look deformed. Where is my eye? Call a plastic surgeon.
1 You never get to finish a show because he keeps channel surfing every commercial. Maybe he thinks he will gain more knowledge the more shows he watches. 2 He shouldn’t have too much luxury since we were the remote controls when we were kids. Our parents just yelled out the channel they wanted us to turn on. 3 He keeps rewinding sports when he doesn’t agree with the referee. He proves his point by watching it over and over. 4 Who made him the king of the remote? He might not play video games, but his thumbs twitch when he sees a remote. It makes him powerful. 5 He loves slow motion and every good sports play has to be watched again and then in slo mo. 6 Give him a recliner and a remote and he is a man possessed. He forgets there is anyone else in the room. 7 You have to negotiate to get the remote away from him. His fingers have to be pried off. 8 He gets a feeling of accomplishment watching the dvr and zapping all of the commercials. He is like a superhero saving all kinds of time. 9 With the voice app he gets to boss around the remote just like poor Alexa. 10 He flies into a panic when he can’t find his remote. It’s like telling him that someone drank all of his beer.
1 Falling asleep because you cuddle with them and are instantly knocked out. 2 When we pass gas that turns deadly, it’s always the dog’s fault. People will forgive the dog. 3 Having to cut visits short because we have to let the dog out. 4 Tripping over the dog and you were the one not watching where you were going. 5 Waking us up when we are sound asleep with loud barking. We don’t care who comes in the house. Let us sleep. 6 Spending all of our money on the dogs. Sure there are vet bills and food but they don’t tell you to buy them bones, treats, toys, outfits, beds and gadgets. That’s all on you. 7 Having an accident in the house when we were the ones who lost track of time. It’s not like the dog can open the door. 8 Making us late to work because we feel bad leaving them and five more minutes turns into fifteen. 9 Eating our shoes or something we love when we are the ones who left it out like a free invitation. 10 Having sore muscles when you wake up because you had to maneuver your body in weird positions in bed so you didn’t have to disturb the dog.
1 You drove and are unfamiliar with the area. You worry about finding your way home the entire time. 2 Instead of putting your phone away, you bring it with you and the kids keep interrupting your fun. 3 You are having the best time ever and then remember a deadline. Your mind has left the moment. 4 You plan so far ahead that your mind is already thinking about next weekend instead of enjoying this weekend. 5 You are too busy capturing the moment instead of taking in the moment. It’s time to leave but you want to stay because you only saw it thru a camera lens. 6 We only live for the weekends by wishing away the other five days. 7 When your vacation only has a few days left you worry about going home instead of savoring the last few. 8 You are too busy daydreaming and are in lala land. 9 Your mind is all over the place and won’t slow down long enough to smell the roses. 10 You ran out of moolah and have to watch everyone else having fun. You are on the outside looking in.
1 You talk in a soft sex kitten voice and he yells ,”Why are you whispering? For God’s sake, Speak up!.” 2 You go into the bathroom to slip into something comfortable. When you come out, someone is passed out and sawing wood. 3 You splash 💦 on a little perfume, and your hubby has a full blown asthma attack. There goes the mood. 4 You put on a new outfit and he asks, “What the hell are you wearing?” 😡 Well you won’t be seeing me wear nothing! 5 You try to get his attention by dancing and he says, “I hope you are doing that for the dogs 🐶.” 6 Meeting your husband at the door in your birthday suit, except it isn’t him. My apologies. 7 You send your husband a text message telling him what you are going to do to him when he gets home. Problem is his boss was in the car too when siri reads the message out loud. Awkward. 8 You decide to use handcuffs and can’t find the key afterwards. His parents will be there in an hour for the weekend. This one will be hard to explain. 9 You forgot to close the windows. Now the whole neighborhood knows what you did. 10 You try to use the bedpost as a strippers pole. It’s not THAT sturdy. Timber! You have to pick yourself up off the floor.
Things that spoil a nice shower: 1 Someone flushes the toilet in the house after you clearly announced that you were taking a shower. You lost a layer of skin. Two can play that game my friend. 2 One of the kids wakes up and comes looking for you. “Mommy are you in here?” You are trying to hide in the shower hoping they will go away. 3 Your significant other bursts into your cone of silence to do a number two. The toilet is right next to the shower. You almost smash the glass trying to evacuate the area as quickly as possible. 4 You forgot a towel and you are going to freeze 🥶 trying to get out. You extend your shower as long as possible and then have to man up and get out. 1,2 wait wait 1,2, 2.5, 2.75,3!!! Go Go Go 5 You are having a nice relaxing shower and someone keeps knocking on the door telling you to hurry up because they need a shower 🚿. 6 You shave your leg and knick yourself. You look down and the pool of water looks like a murder scene. My leg 🦵! 7 Your contact falls out and your vision is blurry. You are crawling on all fours to find it before it washes down the drain. 8 You get shampoo in your eye and it feels like your eyeball is floating in hot sauce. You try to flush it with water but don’t like anything in your eye, so you have to pry it open. 9 The soap bar slides off the holder and nails you on the big toe. Yowww! 10 The soap makes the shower floor so slippery you are suddenly ice 🧊 skating.
1 There is no one to talk to, so you need to talk out loud to yourself or to the pets. 2 You are distracted away from your work too easily and find yourself watching tv and doing chores. 3 You don’t have a home office so your couch is your new desk. 4 Your wifi is trash so instead of working 9 to 5, you work until bedtime. 5 Your kid is home sick and you have no sitter. The workday is a nightmare with the constant interruptions. 6 You miss face to face collaboration so much that you run outside to bounce ideas off of the mailman or anyone on the street who will listen. 7 Pajamas are your new work uniform since there is no need to get dressed anymore.
Your coworkers think you are fooling around instead of working. They assume you get up at noon, run errands, then work a couple hours. 9 Everyone is home because of the pandemic. Your first job is to homeschool the kids. Your work from home happens before they wake up and after they go to sleep. You are a walking zombie. 10 Your dog doesn’t understand the whole work at home concept. If you are home then they want to go outside and play. If that isn’t enough they want to sit with you all day too. Your new personal assistant doesn’t work.
1 Your dog thinks you are playing when doing floor exercises and joins in on the fun. 2 Your family doesn’t want to leave you alone and thinks you should multitask while exercising 3 There is no separate workout space and you don’t have a large enough area. You extend your leg and there goes a lamp. 4 You get carried away by trying to do a double workout and can’t move for a few days. You never go back to your workout. 5 You don’t drink enough water when exercising and slurp soda or ice tea instead. 6 Doing as many reps or more than the person on tv to prove you are in great shape or better than them. 7 Pushing your body because you need to punish it for eating too much. 8 Walking away because you hate a certain exercise and can’t do it. Not doing it!! 9 Checking your phone while exercising and focusing on the wrong thing. 10 You jog in the house and get hurt running into furniture because you were too busy watching tv.
1 You get on the ferris wheel and it stops at the top FOREVER! The person in your car thinks its funny to rock it. Why you little 👊🏼! 2 Your appointment in the City is on the 52nd floor. The thought gives you the heebie jeebies. 3 There is traffic on the bridge and you can feel it swaying. C’mon find the gas pedal people. 4 You have to cross a rope bridge at the adventure park and your heart ❤️ is in your mouth. Everyone else runs across and you are walking as if you are on a tightrope. 5 You are on a rooftop and afraid to go anywhere near the edge. Something may throw you off. 👻 6 You climb a ladder and make the mistake of looking down. You get weak in the knees and your tummy does flips. 7 You are in the first car of a roller coaster. When you get to the top and start dropping, you are sure you are plummeting to your death. 8 Taking the elevator on the cruise ship and it is glass, so you can see how high you are traveling. 9 Taking a chair lift for skiing and then having to jump off while it is moving. I didn’t sign up for this stunt. 10 Taking the train to the City and it crosses the bridge on the outside rail. Yikes! Everyone sit on the left. Quick!
1 You tell on yourself five seconds into the lie. You just can’t do it. 2 Your poker face is so bad that everyone folds when you have a good hand. How are you supposed to make any money? 3 Your voice goes high at the part where you are lying. Sounds like you sucked on some helium. 4 You can’t make eye contact with the person you are lying to. Instead you look up at the sky as if you are begging God for forgiveness. 5 You are so nervous you take a drink but it’s like truth serum. There’s no way you can lie now. 6 You are sweating profusely because lying makes you uncomfortable. You are saved only because the person you are talking to thinks you are sick and allows you to excuse yourself. 7 You are stumbling over your words and can’t stop stuttering. It is very obvious that you are lying. 8 Your hands won’t stay still and are swinging all over the place. 9 You told the lie but didn’t count on questions being asked. Help!! Somebody. Anybody? 10 You are talking so fast to get it over with but the person didn’t understand a word that came out of your trap. Quick. Run away!