1 He turns into a weatherman and can’t resist telling you the temperature when he sees you going out for the night. 2 When you ask for something he tells you to ask your mother. She says to ask your father. You get bounced around like a ping pong ball. 3 He can’t resist putting “When I was your age” into a story. Four score and two hundred years ago. 4 He acts like a big spender when he hands you a $20 bill like it’s a hundred then says, “Don’t spend it all in one place.” 5 He loves when someone stands in front of the TV so he can tell you that you make a better door than a window. 6 He can’t resist using wacky sayings like “He folded like a cheap lawn chair.” Oh boy we better get pops outta here. 7 You ask for an ice cream and he answers with, “What am I a millionaire?” Not even close you big spender. 8 When he says, “Don’t tell mom. This will be our little secret.” You got him now! Let the bribery begin. 9 Dad always knows when you touch his thermostat. He is like the Gollum in Lord of the Rings. My precious! 10 “I need to make a quick stop.” Next time you get no drinks before traveling. It’s pretty bad when you see more rest stops them land marks on your road trip.
Bunk beds might be more trouble than they are worth if:
1 You can’t sleep because you spend the entire night worrying that whoever is on the top bunk is going to fall to their death or end up in the hospital. You are a nervous wreck by morning. 2 Your kid is too big for a bunk bed. When he sits up in the top bunk, he gets a hair cut by the ceiling fan. 3 Your children get into fistfights trying to claim the top bunk. The next fight is how long the person gets the top bunk. 4 Changing sheets becomes a big event. You practically have to lie down on the bottom bunk to change those sheets and then end up with a concussion when you sit up and forget that there is not enough clearance. You have to climb up to the top bunk to change those sheets and hold a Spiderman like pose to pull the corners taut. 5 Your kid forgets she is in the top bunk and ends up falling to the ground when she rolls over. She is fine but scared out of her mind because it felt like she fell off a cliff. 6 Your kid goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the ladder becomes hard to navigate in the dark. 7 It’s a real hassle to tuck your kid in at bedtime because you have to climb the ladder to do so. You know it is only a matter of time before you end up on the ground, especially after drinking some wine. 8 You have two bunks and a twin in one room and your kids are constantly jumping from the top bunk to the twin no matter how much you threaten and yell at them. 9 One side of the bunks is against the wall and stuff constantly falls down the one side and gets stuck in the little crevice between the wall and the bed. You have to call Hercules every once in a while to move it so that you can get all the crap that accumulated. 10 The person on the bottom bunk has trouble sleeping because it sounds and feels like an earthquake when the person on top moves around.
If you aren’t lying then: 1 Why are your eyes blinking so fast? They look like turn signals. Either that or something flew in your eyes. 2 Why are you looking everywhere but at me? Yo I’m over here. Stop looking for me. 3 Why are you sweating profusely? You are looking like a drowned rat. 4 Why are you repeating my questions before you answer them? Are you trying to buy time to invent an acceptable answer? You don’t think too quick on your feet. You better practice. 5 Why are you swaying back and forth? Are you sleep walking and talking or is it windy? 6 Why are you as white as a ghost? Did I just catch you in a lie? I will give you a three second headstart before I kill you. 7 Why are you talking in a high pitched voice? Did someone kick you in the cajones? 8 Why do you start out with I am going to be honest with you? You are warning me that everything said after that is a lie. Blah blah blah. Talk to the hand. 9 Why are you stumbling on your words? You can’t even remember your lies but your nose is growing like Pinnochio. It’s getting so long, I can hang my laundry on it. 10 Why are you wearing that fake smile? Here, let me slap it off of your face so you can stop lying! You are pursing your lips as if you sucked on a lemon.
camping might not be for you if: 1 You are a hairy guy. Someone may think you are a bear scavenging for food and shoot your ass. 2 You have no clue how to pitch a tent. Hours later it looks like it was stuck in a tornado. Everyone has to sleep in the car. 3 You can’t light a fire without gasoline and a blow torch. 4 You need gps to find your tent at night. 5 You don’t enjoy nature very much. Between the bugs, animals, and strange noises you feel like you are stuck in a horror movie. 6 It rains and you didn’t hang a tarp over the tent. It’s a muddy mess and your tent is ready to set sail with all the water. 7 You walk around barefoot and get sap all over your feet. It won’t come off no matter how hard you try. Now you are part human part sasquatch. 8 You think the bath houses have soap and shampoo like a luxury hotel. You are sadly mistaken and have to go au naturale. 9 You think your husband is trying to get frisky tickling you. He tells you it’s not him. You look under the cover to see a snake 🐍 cozying up to you. 10 You bring a case of beer figuring you will buy food at the camp store. Problem is it’s not a supermarket. You have to serve snacks and pass it off as a meal.
Don’t use horoscopes as scripture: 1 Some use it to find out what their day is going to be like. You can’t tell me that millions of people are going to have the same day as you. Fate? Nope. Don’t think so. 2 Horoscopes list generalizations that most likely apply to you. If it says that music will be a big part of your day, don’t think it’s a coincidence when you find yourself at an outdoor concert. It’s not a coincidence when you make it happen. 3 Some use horoscope advice as guidance for making a big decision. You might as well flip a coin instead. You have a 50/50 chance. 4 You become addicted to reading your horoscope every day so that you know what to expect in your life. You do know that they just state the obvious right? Everyone has a bad day, relationship problems, conflict, job issues, etc. Tell me something I don’t know. C’mon impress me. 5 Some singles use it to find out when love will be dropping into their life. Girls you don’t need a newspaper to find love. Go dress up and shake your money maker. It’s magic. 6 Some read that they will be experiencing money troubles in the near future. They go on a spending spree since there will be a shortage of money soon. You have money trouble now. 7 Others check to see how healthy they will be. Go to the doctor. Better yet, crack open a fortune cookie. It may give you wisdom. 8 Some read that they are going to lose something important today and drive themselves bonkers wondering what is going to be lost. Turns out the only thing you lost is your mind and for no reason. 9 Your horoscope says you will be creative today. All of a sudden you turn into Martha Stewart coming up with wonderful new creative ideas and projects. 10 You read that you will be experiencing conflict with your mate. You try to avoid disputes at all costs but pick a fight with your husband so that you can get it out of the way. Do I read my horoscope? Occasionally. There is nothing wrong with a mood booster but don’t live your life by it.
Cruise ship expectations and reality: 1 The pool area looks so luxurious and spacious. Reality – There are 500 people trying to swim in the pool and people save chairs from the crack ass of down so you have nowhere to sit. It looks like spring break in Ft. Lauderdale. 2 You are going to get a nice spacious room with a deck. Reality – That costs a lot extra. You have to crawl up to your pillow because the walls are right up against the sides of the bed. The shower is the size of a camper shower. You try to shave but there is no room to bend over and lifting your leg up against the wall is not a possibility. 3 You are single and think that your room rate will be cut in half since you are one person. Think again. You get to pay the special two-person price. 4 You are guaranteed to have beautiful weather since you are on a luxurious cruise ship. Wrong Again! If you are lucky enough for it to be windy the entire time, you will be blown away every time the automatic doors open to the decks. The higher swells will test your seasickness. You won’t need to roll over in bed since you will roll like a hot dog on a rotisserie. 5 You spent thousands of dollars on your cruise so you assume excursions are included. In reality, you will spend $1,000 more to be adventurous. 6 Your alcohol runs on a tab that goes on your credit card. The last night of the cruise, they sneakily slip it under your door because they are too ashamed to hand it to you face to face. There goes another $1,000 if you are a big drinker. 7 You are really excited to spend time in each port to explore. Unfortunately, they only give you enough time to experience a peep show of each port. They really want to see how many people they can leave behind that don’t make it back to the ship in time. 8 They have men who stand outside of the food areas singing a washy washy your hands song. If you don’t want to sanitize, NO FOOD FOR YOU! 9 You are so excited about the opportunity to see some celebrity entertainment. You are living in the lap of luxury baby! Yo buddy, nobody famous here. That is on a special ship. 10 You take a stroll past the control room so that you can see the captain and his sidekick drive the ship. The area is covered in glass so that you can look in from the outside except no one is in there. So the ship is driving itself and we are in the middle of the ocean on the way to Bermuda. Hello, shouldn’t someone be in there to make sure everything is running smoothly? Did you ever hear of the Bermuda Triangle? Better bend over so I can kiss my ass goodbye.
1 We are in a pandemic. If things take a turn for the worst, I don’t want to spend my last days doing homework. 2 I gave homework up for lent because I get a lot of pleasure out of doing it. (You are going to burn in hell for this one, but you can worry about that later) 3 I did the work and left it home. School work is for school. Very confusing. 4 I handed it to you. Remember? You must have misplaced it. I did all that work for nothing. (You silently hope you nose isn’t growing like Pinocchio) 5 My mom was too lazy to do it for me. I will yell at her when I get home. 6 The stores are completely out of toilet paper. We had to use anything we could get our hands on. I don’t think you want it now. 7 The wind blew it and I chased it all over town. Unfortunately, it fell in the sewer. 8 We had homework last night? Oh wow, I thought it was due next week. 9 I have a medical condition called carple tunnel and it hurts too much to write. 10 I didn’t need to do it. Homework is for practice and I am very good already. Who needs practice when you are perfect?
Electric cars 1 You decide to be adventurous and go on a cross country trip from NJ to California. Yes!! You feel so alive. Dammit, the bleeping car died before you even made it through Pennsylvania. 😡 2 You have one beer too many and end up at the gas station. You try and shove the gas nozzle into the car. 🤦🏻♀️ 3 You forget to charge the car and have to call out of work. You forget to charge your phone all the time so why did you think you would be responsible enough to charge a car! 4 You have to plan your trips around the location of charging stations. 5 You avoid traveling to the mountains because your car can’t make the climb. It has never made it to the top yet. It uses too much power. 6 You love accessories and play the radio, run the a/c on blast, charge your phone all while driving like a speed demon. The battery is draining quicker than your speed. 7 You have to replace your battery. No problem, you saved $200. The repair shop gives you a whopper of a bill for $5,500. What?! As they scrape you off the floor you demand that they keep the car. It’s not worth it. 8 Your electric bill went up 100’s of dollars. Where exactly are you saving money? 9 The charger you bought takes 8 hours to get an 80% charge. How are you supposed to make plans with friends? You always show up after everyone has left. Your car has turned into a buzz kill and has destroyed your social life. 10 Someone is chasing you and you are racing to save your life. The gas pedal is slammed down to the floor but the damn car won’t go over 70 mph.
When you have to trust someone with your life to drive you: 1 They pass not one but two slow moving vehicles. They jump in the fast lane like a Nascar driver and there is a tractor trailer you are playing chicken with. You see the grill but make it to your lane in the nick of time. 2 They say they are tired with two hours left of driving but won’t let you drive. It is your job to keep them awake so you sound like an auctioneer talking about nonsense. 3 They drive like a maniac because they need a bathroom but refuse to stop. Here use my bottle so you can drive normal. 4 Someone cuts them off and they drive like possessed demons because they won’t be satisfied until they catch up to them so they can make obscene gestures and offer to fight them. 5 Your driver has extreme road rage and you are so stressed out that you tell them to drop you off at the next bar. You will take your chances asking a stranger to take you home. 6 They weave in and out of traffic and you don’t have the heart to tell them they only gained an inch. They aren’t getting ahead because they are moving laterally. 7 They don’t slow down in the rain because they are an expert driver. You can’t see out of the windshield. You are hydroplaning so much that you don’t even know if you are on the road anymore. 8 You are driving with your kid who is learning how to drive but knows it all. They are going 60 because dad told them it’s legal to drive 10 miles over. OMG 😳 When they change lanes, they look over their shoulder and the car goes the same direction. WATCH OUT. 9 When the light turns green they floor it then slam on the brakes when they stop. Where am I? I hit my head on the dash. 10 They are more concerned about the radio and A/C and forget they are driving. Hello?! Can you wait til we stop?
Hundreds of channels and nothing to watch: 1 You can’t wait to tell your friends that you have 500 channels to watch. Really it’s 490 channels of crap and maybe 10 channels with something mildly interesting. 2 Who comes up with this programming Russian Yeti, Deadly Cults, Was I Really Kidnapped, Tighten Crepey Skin just to name a few. No thank you. 3 You are excited to have a movie channel but the selection has slim pickings. Out of 50 movies, only 5 are from 2019. Half are from the 90’s. Very disappointing. The point of a movie channel is so you don’t have to go to the movies because you can watch it at home. 4 Cable TV is like a time machine. Most of the shows you have seen before and have no interest in ever watching again. 5 It would be better just to have a handful of channels. Who feels like flipping through hundreds of channels to get to something half decent. You grow old waiting for something worthwhile to pop up. After you complete one revolution you decide to go to bed. 6 Streaming programs have the same problems plus it takes forever to find a show you like and then “No Stream Available ” pops up. Why you little $@! 7 Just program all of the channels for HD instead of having double programs for regular and HD. You can’t count those channels if they are duplicates. Annoying! 8 There’s plenty of reality TV on but it seems so scripted. You yell at her and she responds with a slap across your face followed by you stealing her man. The End. 9 The cable company forces us to pay for channels that we don’t watch. I don’t need ten Spanish channels. I don’t speak Spanish. I also don’t need to watch foreign sports teams. I have no idea who these people are! 10 You are streaming a football 🏈 game and your team is moving down the field. A big play is coming up and the game lags. Your tv freezes and you see a spinning circle. When it comes back on, the other team has the ball. What the hell happened? Tell me tell me.