Italians: 1 We add extra syllables to words. 2 When we get together the dining room table is full of desserts. 3 If four people are coming for dinner, we cook enough for fifteen. God forbid we run out of food. 4 We talk with our mouths and our hands. If you tie up our hands, we are at a loss for words. 5 If you visit and say you aren’t very hungry, you will live to regret it. 6 We have no idea what indoor voice means. We talk loud. 7 We drink wine with every meal and eat bread. 8 We love to eat and when you are full, it is time for dessert. Manga. 9 We keep asking you if you want to eat, even if you say no. There is no such thing as a diet. 10 You always have to spell your last name.
What to say to your child when they say “I’m bored”:
1 “Okay, you can help with some chores.” 2 “Here, read this book.” 3 “Take out the trash.” 4 “You can come food shopping with me.” 5 “You can mow the lawn for your father.” 6 “Why don’t you work on your report for school and get it out of the way?” 7 “Let’s go get that haircut for you right now.” 8 “Perfect, go through your closet and get rid of the clothes you don’t wear anymore.” 9 “Go play with your sister.” 10”Let’s go for a long walk.”
1 My husband asks me to look up how much he made last year. On my way upstairs, I bring up the shampoo on the steps and put it in the upstairs closet. 2 The closet is a mess, so I organize it and throw away old medicines. I get a trash bag from downstairs and bring a laundry basket upstairs. The bag isn ‘t quite full so I empty trash cans. 3 While I am in my son’s room, I make the bed and gather dirty laundry. Back downstairs. 4 I throw the dirty clothes in the wash and go back upstairs. I go to my room and put away the clean laundry. I go to the bathroom when I am done and proceed to clean both bathrooms upstairs. 5 The boys’ bathroom has a dirty glass on the sink so back downstairs to put it in the dishwasher. 6 The dishwasher is full so I empty it and then fill it with dirty dishes. I clean the counter and notice a pile of mail. 7 I go through the mail and pay the bills. Back upstairs to file everything away. 8 I decide to rearrange my office and run the vacuum. I may as well do the rest of the house. 9 My husband asks if I looked up his income. Back upstairs to look through the tax returns. While I’m here, I should get a folder ready for this year with notes. 10 Finally, I am done and go downstairs to tell hubby what I found. Now he asks, how much dental coverage do we have through our insurance. Oh boy, here we go again!
1 If someone shows up to dinner with a fork and knife, show them the door. What an embarrassment. 2 It turns you into a savage and you just can’t get enough. 3 If you don’t look a mess, you aren’t eating them right. 4 I’m sorry, I can’t pass that dish right now. I am slathered in bbq sauce. 5 They are so delicious that if you don’t have a pile of bones in your plate, you shouldn’t be eating. 6 If that bone isn’t clean, keep going. 7 Forget the paper bib, it’s expected to have bbq sauce everywhere. 8 When you are done, you feel like you died and went to heaven. 9 Don’t expect much conversation at the table other than mmmm. 10 I don’t need a napkin, I will lick my fingers to clean them.
1 The teacher pairs you up and your partner’s face looks like it is in shock. 2 It is time to brainstorm and the only thing your partner has to say is uh! Let me think. Duh really? 3 Your partner says no to every idea you have without offering any. Just do it! 4 You split up the work but have to pick up your partner’s slack because they are too lazy. 5 Your partner ghosts you when you call, text, or email. 6 Your partner refuses to share information because he wants his part to be better than yours. Boohoo you are lame. 7 They keep coming up with excuses for not getting done on time. Excuse me, you have me confused with your momma. 8 You end up meeting with yourself when they conveniently no show. 9 Your partner does not like you and makes it impossible to communicate. You wish that the teacher knew how little they did. 10 Your partner doesn’t care about their grade and is compromising yours with their inconsideration. Go away loser.
1 Looking around, the house suddenly looks bare and a lot bigger. 2 There are xmas tree needles everywhere. It’s a wonder the tree has any needles left 3 You don’t feel like putting forth the effort of putting everything away so you keep coming up with excuses to keep the tree up a week longer. 4 You order your kids to take down the decorations and they disappear, never to be found again. 5 Maybe I can leave it up and turn it into a valentines tree, then st. patty’s and then an Easter tree. 6 You look at the tree wondering if there is any way you can put it away to make it easier to put up next year. 7 You ponder throwing it all away and buying everything new next year. 8 You ask Alexa to do it but she doesn’t have that ability. Too bad. 9 You curse yourself for putting up so many lights on the outside of the house. 10 You keep breaking xmas ornaments and have more of a mess to clean up.
1 You are having a wonderful dream that is interrupted by an annoyingly loud alarm. The moment has passed and you are mad for the rest of the day. 2 You leave the house with the exact number of minutes to get to work and then you hit traffic. Hopefully, no one will notice when you sneak in late. 3 You decide to buy tickets at the door only to find that they are sold out. Please let me in. 4 You study the night before the exam only to fall asleep and wake up in the morning with no time to study. What happened? 5 You wait a whole year for vacation and it is over just as you settle in. Back to work? No way. 6 Your pregnancy may last an eternity while everyone else’s moves quickly. C’mon kid. Times up. 7 When you meet the love of your life and can’t get enough of them and count the seconds until you see them again. Remind yourself of that when you get mad at him. 8 When you blink and your youngest child is a man in college. What do you mean you want to live on your own. Silly! 9 When you wait for summer to get there and it is the fastest twelve weeks of the year. Back to school commercials make you angry as a parent and a student. 10 When you are taking your time on a test to get everything right but don’t have enough time to finish. Patience, teacher. Good things come to those who wait.
1 You can’t get to the next level because you keep dying and have to start all over. After an hour of pure frustration, I want to throw my controller through the TV. 2 Your batteries in your controller die at the worst possible time. It is a race to change them before you die in the game. 3 The game takes forever to load! C’mon. Wonder if I have time to run to Wawa. 4 The game requires a degree to learn the endless amount of controller combinations. Do they think I am Einstein? 5 The game won’t let me skip a scene. If I wanted to watch a movie I would have watched Netflix. 6 You play so long that you forget to eat, shower, and sleep. 7 All of the cool options require real money. I already bought the game so why do I need to keep spending money? 8 Not being able to save your progress whenever you choose. Or worse yet, forgetting to save and you lose hours of progress 🤬 9 Your mom wants to have a conversation when you are trying to game and doesn’t understand that you cannot pause the game. Talk to you later. 10 You need to enroll in anger management classes because of all your cursing and temper tantrums.
1 It feels like teams are getting picked, and I am going to be the last one. 2 I keep checking my bank account every hour on the hour, but nothing appears. Peek a boo, where the hell are you? 3 When I owe money, it is due immediately or I pay penalty and interest. Where’s my penalty and interest payment? 4 Let’s make it simple. Rub out any balance I owe this year and we will call it even. 5 Or you could forgive my college tuition for the semester. It will feel like xmas all over again. YASS! 6 Someone further along in the alphabet received theirs. What’s up with that? Are we playing favorites? 7 Are you testing my patience? Here’s a little secret. I have none. 8 Let me go on your website so that I can spin a wheel to double my winnings. Let’s make it interesting. 9 Since Donald wanted to give $2,000, I will take the additional $1,400 in casino chips. Especially since that amount sounded better to me. 10 I am not feeling very stimulated!
1 No matter who does something wrong, you are the one who gets yelled at because you should know better. 2 Your parents tried out their disciplining skills on you and gave up with the other kid. 3 You are expected to babysit for free. 4 You have a curfew and there is hell to pay if you are late. 5 You were never allowed to make a noise when they were sleeping. 6 The younger sibling made up stuff when they were mad at you and your parents believed them. 7 You are a parent with no authority years before your time. 8 You make your younger sibling your personal assistant until she dimes you out. 9 You send your little minion to ask mom and dad for things because she was too cute for them to say no to her. 10 You were like an explorer trying to see what you could get away with while the youngest got away with murder.
1 Drive around in a black car with a black hat and pretend that you are a chauffeur. 2 Go to restaurants and pretend you are a food critic for a newspaper to see how many free meals you can get. 3 Walk up to people who seem like they are tourists and pretend you are a tour director and show them around. 4 Set up a fortune teller booth on a busy street and tell people their future. 5 Draw caricatures for people and watch the surprise on their face when they see how you drew them. 6 Sing for pocket change. People will pay you to shut up. 7 Pick people up from the airport and drop them off at random places. 8 Go to the supermarket and open up random items and give out samples to other shoppers. 9 Put a camera around your neck and take pictures of people who look interesting. Conduct an interview and do a photo shoot. 10 Hang out at the train station and have people march and teach them a cadence song.
1 I am just going to sit here and pretend that I remember how to do my job. 2 I am glad you called me in. I was getting so tired of relaxing and enjoying myself. 3 Oh wow! Look at the piles on my desk. How thoughtful of you to leave me something to do! 4 My wallet is empty and it’s the only reason I am here. 5 I told my husband I wanted to be a kept woman and he agreed after dropping me off here. 6 What do you mean this is due by the end of the day? You’re a mean one Mr. Grinch. 7 I had to give up wearing pajamas to be here today. 8 No days off til May!? This is unacceptable. 9 You cry in the parking lot because the celebrations are over. 10 You threaten to leave if anyone coughs or sneezes
Why you should stay away from each other when you are mad:
1 You are Italian and like to throw things. (1,2,3 duck!) 2 You have a habit of bringing up incidents from years ago instead of the argument at hand. (I still haven’t forgiven you for being late on our wedding day. Now this!) 3 When you get mad you get irrational. (You always put me down and probably don’t like me.) 4 You get mad and go for the jugular. You will say anything to make the person mad. (Go ahead and play your video games! I will do everything as usual.) 5 Your spouse purposely uses “whatever” to get you going. (Oh no you didn’t!) 6 You are so competitive that you refuse to lose an argument. (Nope it was absolutely your fault.) 7 You have temper tantrums when you get angry. (You left the toilet seat up and I went for a swim!) Slam the door for effect. 8 You play the blame game. (You woke up in a bad mood and were looking to pick a fight.) 9 You haven’t learned how to say sorry. (Sorry for what?) 10 You are in a bad mood and picking a fight. (Who folded these towels!? A two-year-old could fold them better)
1 “The year 2020…Brought to you by the letters W, T and F.” —The Super Mom Life 2 “The best thing about homeschooling is that now I can add, ‘I’ll fail you’ to my repertoire of empty parenting threats.” —Copy Mama 3 “After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face, I’m gonna be pissed.” —Unknown 4 “Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs: We roam the house looking for food, we’re told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers, and we get really excited about car rides and walks.” —Unknown 5 “So far, 2020 is like looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.” —Unknown 6 “The only thing I gained in 2020 was weight.” —Unknown 7 “If there’s one thing that scares me more than an apocalyptic end of the world, it’s the possibility that if my kids fail at homeschooling they have to retake it.” —Three Time Daddy 8 “After years of swearing that I couldn’t clean my house because I didn’t have enough time, 2020 has proven that may have not been the reason.” —The Super Mom Life 9 “I wish days of the week underwear were still a thing so I knew what the hell day of the week it is.” —Mommy Owl 10 “‘He chewed too loud’ became the number one cause of divorce.” —Unknown
1 Clean? NO WAY! I can think of a million things better to do. 2 Exercise? Very funny. That’s too much work. 3 Eat at a restaurant since one meal is pretty cheap. Oh, this is super awkward. I have no one to talk to and if I look up, the table next to me thinks I am a weirdo. Waitress, can I get this to go? 4 Dye my hair and look on the computer for vacation spots while it processes. I am a multi-tasker. Oh God, I left it on 15 minutes too long. My hair is jet black and I look totally goth. 5 Soak in the tub? Nah. I would probably doze off and drown. 6 Rearrange my bedroom. I can do this. Help. My mattress has me pinned against the wall. Anyone? 7 I know. Shopping! Oh, I only have $20. I might be able to buy half a shirt. Nevermind. It will be the world’s quickest shopping trip. 8 Turn the radio up and have a dance party by myself. It feels amazing until I turn around and see everyone back home early laughing at me. Get out! 9 I decide to try out my sewing machine by following a pattern and making a tee shirt. When I am done, it is only big enough for a Barbie. 10 Watch a movie because I never get the remote or have time to sit that long. This is gonna be great. I wake up 4 hours later. My night is over and I have nothing to show for it.
1 You are playing with someone too competitive. Their mission is to kick your butt at any cost. What part of this is fun? 2 You are playing charades with someone who is a horrible guesser. Can I trade partners? 3 Some people pull the rule book out every time it is your turn. They become the game police. 4 Your friend cheats and is appalled when you call them out. Someone is in denial. 5 You are playing with a sore loser who has a temper tantrum like an overgrown brat when they lose. Makes you want to play again. 6 The game takes too long and you feel like you are wasting your life. 7 The people you are playing with keep changing the rules to their advantage. 8 People take the game too personally when you give them a bad card. Okay if you insist, I did it on purpose. Geez. 9 The winner clears the pieces off of the board without realizing that you continue playing for second place. 10 You are playing scrabble and can’t spell to save your life.
1 Your shoes look like you are ready to join the circus 🎪. 2 If you go past the foul line, you become the ball and fly down the lane. 3 The thumb hole on the ball either gives you a blister or breaks your nail. What the heck! 4 The harder you try to do better, the worse you do. 5 When did bowling 🎳 become so expensive? $8 a game and you go home mad at your score. 6 You throw a strike ball and get a split. Now you know the pins are messing with you. 7 Your approach is looking good. Your arm swings back and so does the ball. Run for cover! 8 You trip and know that when you turn around, EVERYONE is watching 👀. 9 The only way you are gonna do better is if you put the bumpers up. 10 The lane next to you never heard of bowling etiquette. They don’t wait for you to go. Right before you throw the ball, they mess up your concentration by throwing their ball.
1 You are in the middle of a recipe when you find out you are missing the key ingredient. 2 Your tires suddenly need air when it is raining or freezing cold out. 3 When you have no money, the house decides to break. 4 You were going to make a sandwich for work and have no bread. 5 You need your phone for directions but it is almost dead and you have no charger. Hopefully you get to your destination before the power runs out. 6 Your gas light comes on when you are on a major interstate. Looks like you will be getting off at the next exit. You are running on fumes. 7 Your kids are acting up and you are fresh out of patience. Heaven help them when you get your hands on them. 8 You are trying to write a note and your pens don’t want to write. 9 You don’t feel good and need medicine but are too sick to go get it. 10 You are stuck on the bowl without a roll of toilet paper!
1 You feel like the kids should open up their presents two or three more times so that you can feel like you got your moneys worth. 2 You are seriously hoping that your credit card bills don’t arrive and that they say this Christmas is on us. Wishful thinking. 3 You ate so much the day before that you are still full and the sight of food makes you nauseous. 4 You know that you spent so much money and the last thing you want to do is shop for anything including food. 5 You pray that everything works because you hate returns. The lines will be too long in the store and online purchases are a pain in the arse to return. 6 For all of the stress, preparation, and hoopla it’s over so quick you didn’t have time to enjoy it long enough. 7 You don’t have to be on your best behavior until next year. You wouldn’t want people getting the wrong idea that you are nice every day. 8 You are happy not to have to hear another xmas song. 9 You can’t wait to get home so that you can put on some comfy pants. You have been dying to unbutton your pants since dinner. 10 Someone gives you a gift and you don’t have one for them. You won’t be seeing another one ever again.
1 Why doesn’t he just come through the front door? (His reindeer land on the roof so he slides down the chimney so that you don’t know he is there.) 2 How does Santa have time to watch every boy and girl to see if they are good or bad? (Teachers and parents email the elves who keep an updated list for Santa.) 3 How does Santa deliver presents all in one night? (There are all different time zones so that Santa has enough time to get everywhere. If he is running late, he sprinkles some magical dust to freeze time until he is done.) 4 How does Santa eat all of those cookies? (He eats some and then packs the rest away to take home to eat with Mrs. Claus.) 5 How does Santa fit down the chimney? (He sprinkles magic dust that shrinks him for thirty seconds so that he can jump down or up the chimney without getting hurt. The dust has magical jumping power too.) 6 How come dogs don’t bark when Santa comes? (He gives them a special bone so that they forget he is there.) 7 Why are there so many Santas? (They are all his helpers so that they can take all of the toy orders for xmas) 8 Why doesn’t Santa get the toys at the store? (The presents wouldn’t be as special if they came from the store.) 9 Why do Santa’s toys have price tags on them? (He wants you to know how much money he could have made if he didn’t give the gift to you.) 10 How does Santa stay up all night? (Wawa gives Santa as much free coffee as he wants.)
1 Is this your dad? (No dumbass it’s her husband.) 2 When are you due? (Honey there is no baby in there.) 3 Such and such is a bad neighborhood. (Oh, you live there? I’m sure you live in the good part. Insert foot here.) 4 You have a little something on your face. (Oh, it’s a birthmark? Awkward.) 5 What do you look like with hair? (You just made it clear that you aren’t into the bald look.) 6 Why are you still single? (You could have just asked what is wrong with them.) 7 Do you want to get changed before we go? (Nice. You just let the person know that you aren’t going anywhere with them dressed like that.) 8 How did you get invited? (Gee thanks. Looks like someone didn’t want to see me.) 9 Do you have PMS? (No. But you are going to have a black eye.) 10 Why are you so thin? (Sounds like you are jealous and you pretty much told them to go eat a sandwich.)
1 You try and make the presents 🎁 look perfect with matching ribbons and bows. Don’t bother! People get aggravated when there’s too much tape and they can’t open the present. 2 You are spinning out of control with stress and yelling at everyone. They are this close to returning your presents and spending xmas with someone else. 3 You spend so much time making the season perfect that you miss enjoying it. 4 You are taking so many pictures that you will need to look at them to remember the day. 5 You make the perfect meal only for some guests to show up late and say they ate. Hold your breath and count to ten. 6 Your kid opens up their gift as you wait in anticipation and have the nerve to say, “Why did you buy me this?” 7 One of your guests came with an attitude and is trying to ruin the day. Don’t bother coming next year. 8 You worked so hard and are sick on xmas. In the bedroom you go. 9 You are so excited to spend family time with everyone. Unfortunately their noses are stuck in their phones. 10 The last present is opened and your kids look disappointed. Is that it? Makes you really want to pay the credit card bills.
1 It’s only a week away? It snuck up on me this year! 2 I always say next year I am going to wrap a little bit at a time. I’m a liar because I have to wrap everything all at once. Again. 3 Your kid wants the new Xbox and you don’t want to disappoint. You consider shady deals in alleyways to have the gift for xmas. Your kid reduced you to a thug. 4 You think you are done until your friend tells you about something they hate and that something is what you bought them for xmas. Exchange! 5 You are paying top dollar for gifts because you procrastinated. 6 The one time you buy a gift ahead of time, that person is no longer part of the family. Never again. 7 You drank too much xmas eve. Now you have to put something together for your kid and there are a million pieces. Very funny. 8 You are done shopping for your kid. Or so you think. The week before xmas, they see something on television that they really want for xmas. Out you go. 9 You waited too long to make cookies. After baking all day you realize that you better stick to your day job. 10 The days are flying by and your package hasn’t arrived. You pray every night and track your package every hour online. Psst… it isn’t going to get there any faster.
1 People wrap while drinking wine and listening to music. Instead of feeling relaxed, I feel like a king cobra 🐍 ready to strike. 2 You wrap the gift and then the paper rips. What is this? Some kind of twisted joke? 3 You are wrapping gifts for the kids and forget who it’s for or what it is. Now you have to open it to see. Merry xmas to me. 4 You try so hard to make the wrapping look good. Instead it looks like it fell off the back of a truck. 5 You realize you have more gifts for one kid than the other. Out to the store you go. 6 You would rather use gift bags but your kids want to open gifts. Of course you do! 7 You buy gift cards to avoid wrapping. 8 You finally get in the groove and run out of tape. 9 You have to wrap a weird shaped gift and your kid guesses what it is before unwrapping it. Why did I even bother? 10 You feel like you are doing floor exercises when you wrap and have trouble getting up. Everything hurts. All of that work and the paper flies and is off in minutes. Take your time! Do you know what I went through?
1 Every time you wear white, your food decides to splatter and you look like a paint splattered canvas. 2 You have a piece of oregano stuck in your tooth. No one tells you so you look like a rapper with a black cap on your tooth. 3 You have spaghetti hanging from your mouth. Do you slurp or cut it off with your teeth and let it fall back in your plate. Either way it’s not looking good. 4 You bite into a slice of burning hot pizza and get mozzarella cheese stuck on the roof of your mouth. 5 You eat a cherry popsicle and your lips, teeth and tongue are bright red. 6 You are eating an ice cream cone on a hot day. It is melting so fast and you are doing everything within your power to eat it neatly. Unfortunately you are making a big mess out of your clothes and the sidewalk. 7 You go to a Japanese restaurant where they cook in front of you. You have glasses on and the chef insists on trying to throw it in your mouth. The first one goes down your shirt. The second one lands on your glasses like a bird hitting a window. 8 You are eating PB & J and jelly jumps out onto your shirt. 9 You take a bite out of your taco and everything falls out onto your plate. 10 Your meatball sandwich is delicious until you lose your poor meatball in your lap. Splat.
1 They refuse to listen when you speak in a normal tone. You have to drop an F-bomb before they realize you mean business. 🤬 2 If you say no to buying them something, they go to mom and pop pop because they know they won’t get denied. You look like the bad guy if you try and return it. 🙄 3 They try and get away with murder when you are out in public with them because they think you will look like a bad parent if you scream and yell at them.🤗 4 They have nothing to say until you are on the phone. You get interrupted every five seconds until you finally snap and look like a maniac to the person on the other end. 👊🏼 5 When they ask you if their friend can sleep over and they are standing right there staring at you. The family has plans so you have to say no and they look at you like you killed their cat. 😔 6 When they tell your husband you went through a red light or were speeding. Little rats! 🐀 7 When they ask dad for something and he says go ask mom. Mom says no and the little bugger tells dad you said yes. Next thing you know, the two of you are arguing while the kid is doing whatever they want. Why you little….!! 😡 8 When they are infants and you are sleep deprived and can’t figure out how to make them stop crying. It only takes one little thing to push you over the edge and make you lose your s**t. 💩 9 When they are in daycare and tell the teacher their dad lets them drink beer when it is only apple juice. The teacher calls you very concerned. 🤦🏻♀️ 10 When you think you are telling your husband some juicy gossip and your big-eared kid repeats it to the person you were talking about. 😩 Bye-bye now.
1 You go to take a sip and get 16 ounces all over you, the floor, and anything else in the area. All because the lid wasn’t on all the way. 2 You constantly have to warm your cup up because it gets cold every ten minutes. 3 Fresh brewed coffee makes you happy. You can smell it a block away and it smells delicious. 4 Your coffee is like a dessert with your special creamer and starbucks orders. 5 You sound like an auctioneer after drinking a big cup. 6 You want to talk? I can’t think before I’m done drinking coffee. 7 It was your turn to make the office coffee. You put so much that no one could sleep that night. 8 You waited to enjoy a cup of afternoon coffee. You are asked to do something at work and your coffee is cold when you get back to it. 9 You are sad to see your last sip since you savored every drop and want to keep going. 10 Ordering at Starbucks is a whole other language and intimidating. It’s like you stepped into another dimension when the barista asks tall, grande, venti? Want any pumps or shots? You just want coffee and are trying to figure out macchiato, latte, frappuccino, americano.
1 You feel like you just went to bed and are exhausted. 2 You are in some kind of trance and even a handsome prince won’t wake you up. 3 You tell yourself to go to bed earlier so that you don’t feel so tired. By the time night rolls around, you are up past midnight. It’s a vicious circle. 4 You hit the snooze button like you are on a game show. 5 You take a shower but it relaxes you instead of waking you up. 6 Your alarm never went off because you set the calculator instead of the alarm. 7 You sit on the edge of the bed looking comatose and try to convince yourself to get moving 8 If someone is waking you up you keep telling them five more minutes until they refuse to wake you up anymore. 9 You sleep so deep that you hope someone doesn’t mistake you for dead. 10 You say you want to wake up early to do something. When the time comes, you talk yourself right out of it.
1 Someone lets their dog go outside without a leash and it decides to chase you when you walk by. Why does it have to be the biggest dog you ever saw in your life? Now you feel like dinner. 2 You are at the furthest part of your walk when it suddenly begins thunder and lightning. Hide! But where? Nevermind. Run! 3 You step in bubble gum and are silently cursing out the little kid who spit it out. Why you little! 4 Seems like you drag your toe because you trip on the bump in the sidewalk and look like a fool trying to regain your balance. 5 You are walking around in a place that you have never been to before. You think you have a good sense of direction until you take too many turns and have to use your phone to get back to your starting point. 6 You say hello to people as you pass them by and they don’t return the gesture. Rude! 7 You are trying to walk on the sidewalk but someone tried to be the third car in the driveway and took up the sidewalk. Now you are contemplating kicking the tires since they were too lazy to park in the street. 8 As if you aren’t entitled to some free time, you have a number of text messages when you get back that follow up with question marks??? Really! The last time I tried to text and walk, I almost flipped over the hood of a car, so NO. 9 It gets dark during your walk and you get creeped out by the creature noises. Suddenly the walk is spooky. 10 You feel like you walked through a spider web and have the heebie-jeebies. Eww. Now you are feeling everywhere while you are walking to make sure nothing is on you.
1 Someone flushes the toilet when you are in the shower and you are scalded. 2 You forget a towel and it is freezing outside of the shower door. There is no way you are getting out. You yell hoping someone will hear your desperate plea. 3 You get soap in your eye and are flailing your arms around because it hurts. 4 You slip on your shaving cream and are skating like the ice capades. 5 The hot water runs out during your shower and you feel like you just did the polar plunge, 6 You sing because the acoustics are out of this world and you feel like a superstar. Your family is in the bedroom rolling around laughing on the bed. 7 The dogs are barking like crazy and you have no idea what is going on. Your shower is interrupted and for all you know, you might have company downstairs. 8 You decide to clean the shower while you are in there. Your husband walks in and wonders what the hell you are doing. 9 You ponder and come up with the best idea ever. You want to run and tell someone but need to put some clothes on first. 10 You try to get romantic with your spouse. They stand under the showerhead and you are left in the cold shivering. Get out!
1 You try and pop food in your mouth and it falls to the floor. 2 You try to give your puppies a kiss, and they don’t appreciate you coming at them with a mask on. 3 You try to lick an envelope. Good job dumb dumb. You successfully licked the inside of your mask. 4 You put lip gloss on and it’s smeared all over your face and mask. 5 You give people big smiles, only they can’t see them. What a waste. 6 You sneeze and it is as bad as cleaning a dirty diaper. 7 We mouth words to someone as if they can read lips through our mask. 8 We forget to talk a little louder so that we can be heard. Instead we sound like mumbles with a mouth full of rocks. 9 You eat something for lunch that doesn’t smell so great blowing back in your face all afternoon. 10 You can no longer let your draw drop to the floor when someone tells you something shocking.
soiree – Who needs a fancy French word when everyone understands party. charcuterie – Let’s chow down on some crackers, meat, and cheese instead of using a word no one knows how to pronounce. plethora – This word sounds like a big lisp. A lot is much easier to say. au pair – This one makes no sense. Sounds like you are getting two for one. Instead you are getting a teacher in exchange for room and board. faux pas – Another French word. Just say you screwed up for wearing white after Labor Day. conundrum – This word is stuffy. Houston we have a problem. fiasco – Kind of sounds like a fiesta. Cluster *uck is a better word. kibosh – You might see this one in a comic book. Put an end to it. quid pro quo – This isn’t Silence of the Lambs. Tell me a secret and I will tell you one of mine. wheelhouse – Who lives in a wheel? Just say comfort zone.
Negatives of living with a roommate other than your significant other:
1 You are saving money but your privacy has disappeared. Forget about walking around naked or having time to unwind and collect your thoughts. 2 Your roommate found a boyfriend and they always hang at your place. When you try and watch tv you hear the bed squeaking and when you try and sleep the banging against your wall makes you think that two more people might end up sleeping with you. 3 Your roommate eats all of your food and never replaces it. Oink Oink 4 Somehow when the rent is due, your roommate is broke. They can afford alcohol though. 5 Your clothes keep disappearing and your roommate denies taking them. You see her on social media in your shirts. Caught red handed. Liar. 6 You are meticulous but your roommate is a slob. 7 You have one bathroom but you can never get into it. They take such long showers that you are left with icicles. 8 You started out as best friends but you find out that you are complete opposites. Now you hate each other. It is so bad that you can’t remember why you ever liked them. Frenemies. 9 You have opposite schedules. When you try to sleep so that you can get up early, they are being loud or entertaining guests. 10 You agree to certain boundaries and rules and your roommate conveniently ignores them.
1You wash up in the bathroom with soap, water and paper towels. 2 Instead of putting hand sanitizer on your hands, you are slapping it under your arms. 3 You search in the office kitchen for lemon juice then hold in your giant scream because you just shaved this morning and it stings. 4 You search for a first aid kit and grab the alcohol swabs because you are in a pinch. 5 Run out at lunch and buy another one before people start smelling hoagies. 6 You spray yourself with perfume but you must have sprayed too much because people are saying that they are getting a headache. 7 You improvise and use the air freshener in the bathroom to smell like a fresh bouquet. 8 You remember someone saying baking soda worked but now your shirt has powder all over it, and you look like you were baking a cake. 9 You try ice cubes or turn the air on. If you don’t sweat, you won’t smell. 10 Apple cider vinegar is on the kitchen counter. Hmmm. You dab some on but then smell like a salad for the rest of the day.
Anyone with a competitive bone in their body cares about losing. People say the craziest things when they try to make losing look good:
1 It was a great game. (Well it would have been a great game if we won!) 2 Cheer up. There is always next year. (Oh great! Just what I wanted to hear. I get to wait another year.) 3 Losing is part of the game. (Next year I want to be drafted on the best team. I refuse to go through losing again.) 4 Losing doesn’t mean you failed. (OMG, that’s exactly what it means.) 5 It’s only a game. (If it is only a game, why do I bother playing?) 6 You may have lost but never give up. (Ok genius, that’s exactly what happened.) 7 You need to lose to appreciate winning. (I really don’t think so. I feel great when my professional sports teams win. No need to bore me with losing.) 8 Somebody needs to lose. (Yeah I don’t remember volunteering.) 9 Even though you lost, you really won. (I don’t know what you are smoking but maybe if you share, I will understand.) 10 The world loves a great loser. (That’s awesome because I am great at losing.)
1 Why is the eye of the needle so small? The thread is going everywhere but in the hole. 2 You try to sew a button on a shirt and keep pricking your fingers with the needle. Ouch! 3 You decide to use the sewing machine to sew a quick hem. There are so many gadgets on the machine, you can’t figure out what goes in or out or up or down and around. Help! 4 You use the sewing machine pedal like a gas pedal and almost sew your fingers to the machine. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are not driving a car. 5 You sew the second pants leg on and realize your pants have one perfect leg and the other is inside out. Boy oh boy, hand me the seam ripper. 6 You hold some pins between your lips and scare the heck out of yourself when you think you swallowed one. Your heart skips a beat when you realize it fell on the floor. 7 Trying to follow the sewing pattern is a nightmare. Where are the directions? The paper keeps ripping and the fabric is so hard to cut. Now I know why people buy their clothes. 8 You forgot to put the claw thing down on the sewing machine. Now your fabric is all bunched up and stuck to the bottom plate. Why me? 9 You measure, cut, and sew the pattern but your finished product would only fit a Barbie doll! What a waste of time. 10 I can’t find my scissors and have to use my teeth to break the string. The dentist is going to yell at me again.
1 Everyone is staring at you, and you forget everything you were going to say. 2 Your voice is shaking as if someone is holding a gun and forcing you to speak. They may as well be since you have no interest to be standing in front of all of these people. 3 You are swaying back and forth like a zombie and sweating under your pits. Your heart is racing so fast that you have no idea if you will be alive at the end of your speech. 4 Why is it so important to stand up to address the crowd? It would be so much easier to sit on a stool so that you feel like you are among friends. 5 No one in the crowd is smiling. Geez, if you don’t entertain them, they may come after you. 6 You lose your train of thought as you are speaking and start to trip all over your words. You laugh at yourself but no one else does. Tough crowd; and they didn’t even pay admission. 7 You are finally on a roll and your professor asks you to slow down. Give me a break. You are a good sport so you start speaking again. This time he asks you to speak up. Hey if you think this is easy, why don’t you do it? 8 When you ask if there are any questions, everyone raises their hand. Don’t you realize it was rhetorical? 9 You feel like a total wreck when you are done speaking. You feel like you have been through a war. Shouldn’t you get paid for this? 10 Someone pull the fire alarm! Get me out of here.
1 Take a nice relaxing warm bath. Oh great! I was so relaxed that I fell asleep and drowned in the tub. Nite nite. 2 Drink some nice hot tea. Okay, now I can sleep but am getting up every 5 minutes to pee. 3 Try a crossword puzzle. The only problem is that everyone is sleeping so I cannot get help with a clue. 4 Clean the house. Oh boy, Three other people are awake now. Apparently, my cleaning woke them. 5 Ignore the clock. I can’t. The grandfather clock keeps binging and bonging to remind me that I can’t sleep. Every time that I count, it reminds me that I have to wake up in so many hours. Yet I am still not asleep. Ugghh 6 Get some fresh air. That feels so good. I am feeling tired. Great, I am locked out. Flower bed, it is! 7 Exercise. Boy, that was a tough workout. I am whooped!! I stink, so I better take a shower. Wide awake now! 8 Open the windows for some air – Okay now I hear airplanes, frogs, crickets, cars, people, dogs, sirens, and something that sounds like a dinosaur. Really! 9 I am flipping like a pancake and I hear the Jeopardy theme song in my head. Okay, my phone says try medication. Let me see what I have in the medicine cabinet. This should make me sleepy. Let me get back in bed. Oh no! The phone said meditation, not medication! 10 Poke your partner until they are away and say Heyyyyy, whatcha doing?
Signs you had enough quarantine time with your husband/wife:
1 You are using each other’s phrases and starting to dress alike. Creepy. 2 You finish each other’s sentences. Mindreader! 3 Their breathing is getting on your nerves. Why is it so loud? 4 The only alone time you get is when you use the bathroom. You consider hanging out in there a little more. 5 They have worn the same outfit for days. The very sight of them makes you mad. Smell ya later. 6 They haven’t showered or shaved for days. Excuse me. You might want to try a little harder to impress me. You are getting too comfortable. 7 Your spouse is eating everything in sight. Umm, this food is supposed to last for two weeks. 8 They say one word and you bite their head off. You temporarily lose your sanity. 9 When they wake you up in the middle of the night with loud snores, you want to smother them with your pillow. Just until the snoring stops. 10 You have turned into the Bickersons. Every conversation is a debate.
1 You hate it so much that you keep an ironing pile and only do it if someone specifically asks. Otherwise, in the trash you go, after the person forgets about it. Out of sight, out of mind. 2 Cranking up the heat and putting an iron shaped hole in your shirt. What a waste of time! 3 You are the world’s worst ironer. You take great care in ironing the front and back, yet your clothes have more wrinkles than when you began. 4 For some reason your husband’s $500 suit has shiny marks on it now. Someone is in big trouble. Wasn’t me. 5 You don’t own an ironing board and use whatever flat surface you can. I guess no one told you that wood floors, carpets, and plastic tables aren’t a good choice. If you were a superhero, you would be the scorcher. 6 You don’t pay close enough attention until the iron bumps into your skin. Wakeup call! Yowch! 7 You think you are a brainiac and try to straighten your hair with a regular iron. What ever were you thinking? Oh boy, you really don’t want to look in a mirror right now. Your hair is fried. 8 Your ironing board has a better chance of being used as a surfboard. More fun too! 9 You tell yourself that no one will notice if you don’t iron your clothes. Wrinkles are a fashion statement. 10 Some people say ironing relaxes them. You aren’t one of them. You need to sign up for anger management after ironing one item.
Thankful to eat with people who annoy the hell out of us any other day. Happy to get a paid holiday to sit around and eat. Anxious for everything to turn out perfect, especially the turkey. You don’t want to call out for pizza. Not eating all day so that you can eat three meals all at once. Keeping an eye on the football games while chit chatting with everyone. Stuffing yourself into a food coma. Getting to eat as much as you want and no one judges you for being a pig. Invited because you are a great cook. No one invited you for your personality. Variety of side dishes that cover the table. If you don’t like something then stay home next year. Insisting that everyone take home leftovers otherwise you have to buy another fridge. Napping after dinner like you have been drugged. Going back to the table for dessert. There’s six pies and you want to taste them all. Hope you aren’t on a diet.
1 You can’t shut your brain off and it is running away with ideas. 2 You aren’t sure who you are supposed to be getting in touch with but are pretty sure it’s not working. 3 You are trying to figure out the appropriate time you can get up and call it a day. You don’t feel any different. 3 You are too energetic to relax and sit down. 4 You feel like you are wasting time and can hear it ticking away. 5 You are bored to death. How is this good for you? 6 Wouldn’t a nap be better? It seems like a napper would be considered a master meditator. 7 You decide to smoke pot to relax you even more. Now you are in a trance. 8 Your boss wrote you up because you decided to take a meditation break and ignored him when he asked you questions about work. 9 You lit some candles to add to your inner peace. You were so relaxed that everything burnt down around you. 10 It has become a full-time job because every time you feel stressed or have a confrontation, you drop everything and meditate.
1 Driving with your husband in the passenger seat is as unpleasant as when you took your driver’s test. He is just waiting to pounce on you if you make a mistake. 2 The man at the car dealership treats you as if you know nothing, even though you did your homework. He acts like you need permission from your daddy before making a purchase. 3 Repair shops skeeve us out and make us want to take a shower. 4 The mechanic makes up some fancy words about what is wrong with the car and you have no clue. 5 Every trip to the auto mechanic costs a fortune and you have no way of knowing what actually needs to be fixed. 6 There are too many gadgets. You aren’t flying an airplane for God’s sake. 7 Pumping your own gas is yucky when you are dressed up. Or when it’s cold. Or rainy. Or anytime. 8 You have a flat and open the trunk and look at the spare tire. You don’t know why you are looking because you don’t know how to change it but at least you found it. 9 We influence men in most car purchases yet some car salesmen ignore our presence and only talk to the man. Jokes on you. We are walking out. 10 We don’t want to know what goes on under the hood. As long as it works and it has a gas pedal and brake, we are fine.
1 Hyperventilating because you are panic stricken when you spot a big fish. The fish won’t kill you but the snorkel will. 2 You want to explore but forget that you can only go so deep. Your snorkel tube goes under water and you are drinking the ocean. 3 You smile for an underwater pic and break your seal with the mouthpiece. 4 Your mask keeps fogging up. While everyone is oohing and aahing, you can’t see a thing. 5 You start choking on water and try to stand but find it hard to keep your balance because you feel like you have platypus feet with fins on. 6 You jump off a boat to go snorkeling and are intimidated when you see the shoreline further away than you would like. 7 You swim too close to coral and suddenly feel like you have been shanked. It catches you totally by surprise since you weren’t expecting to get cut. 8 You are enjoying the view and feel like you were stung by underwater wasps. Then you see the culprit is a jellyfish. 9 You use too much energy moving around instead of floating and start getting cramps and are tired before your group is done. 10 You are snorkeling with a buddy and they keep swimming away. What part of swim buddy don’t you get?
1 Someone is chasing you and you wake up exhausted. You should have at least lost some weight! 2 You argue with your mate and wake up mad even though you know it was a dream. You will be fine once he apologizes. 3 You are about to get in on with a hot guy and stupidly say, “I’m married.” Seriously!! Not in my dreams. 4 You wake up from a nightmare and when you fall back asleep, you pick up where you left off. Nooooo. 5 You work all day and then dream about work at night. C’mon. Enough is enough. 6 You wake up disoriented and need a minute to figure out if you are okay. 7 Your dreams are so vivid that you could write a novel when you wake up in the morning. 8 You are dreaming about swimming or rain and when you wake up, you realize how bad you have to go to the bathroom. 9 You throw a punch in your dream and when you wake up, your husband is holding his nose. Apparently, you throw a mean elbow in your sleep. 10 You dream that something is crawling on you. You wake up and it is only your husband trying to get frisky. You have a better chance of getting slapped in the forehead buddy.
1 You are telling your friend an interesting story and someone interrupts with something totally unrelated. You just can’t get the mojo back. 2 You gain the courage to tell your boyfriend something that you have been avoiding. You start to sweat and your hands are shaking. You feel like you are going to pass out and the doorbell rings. Literally, saved by the bell. 3 You are on the phone and your kid bothers you every two seconds no matter what threats you whisper to them. Somehow they understand your candy bribe and disappear once you give it to them. 4 You have an extreme bellyache with the sweats and are dying in peace in your bathroom until someone walks in without knocking. GET OUT!! 5 You are watching your favorite show and a big secret is about to be revealed. Too bad for you, the power went out. You can wait a little longer. 6 You have a moment for intimacy and completely lose yourself in the moment until you hear, “Mommy?” Kid, do you ever sleep? 7 You are dead tired and have a Saturday to sleep in a little later. Unfortunately, no one told the jackhammer outside. 8 You are taking a test and are distracted by someone talking out in the hallway and cannot concentrate. 9 Telling your doctor about your problem and they interrupt before you are finished because they are running behind. Hello?! Didn’t I come here for a reason. Don’t care? 10 The fire alarm goes off and you are forced to congregate outside even if you don’t have proper clothing. If this is a drill, why am I a frozen popsicle?
1 Buying lottery tickets every week and never winning. By the time you retire, you have already contributed a million dollars that you will never see again. Adios! 2 Buying memberships that you never use and then forgetting all about them since they automatically come out of your account. You have sucker written all over your forehead. 3 Getting married again after the first time failed. How much support do you really want to pay? Pretty soon you will be living in a tent. 4 Getting hair done, eyebrows waxed, manicures and pedicures when you can’t afford food. Time to put a bowl on your head and cut around it and paint those nails yourself. Who cares if it looks like a kid did it!! You are saving money. 5 Having a ridiculous monthly car payment on a fancy sports car. Is it fancy enough to live in, because that’s where you are heading? 6 Using your credit cards like they are gift cards. You do know you have to pay it back, right. This isn’t a shopping spree. 7 You are addicted to betting and bet on the dumbest things for a quick buck. Even with a fifty-fifty chance, you don’t stand a chance. The only luck you have is not winning. 8 You live paycheck to paycheck with no savings. Something breaks in the house and you are screwed. Now you are living in an eyesore. 9 Continuously buying things that you can’t afford because you need them to have fun. 10 Quitting your job before you have another one. You can’t ignore your bills. They will not go away.
1 Can freeze you out by making it feel so much colder than it is. 2 Can make you look like an idiot by blowing something out of your hand and make you run around the parking lot trying to get it. 3 You realize that you shouldn’t have bothered to style your hair. 4 You can’t see where you are going since the wind made you look like you are wearing your hair backward. 5 After a windy night you have to go on a scavenger hunt in the neighborhood for your outdoor cushions. 6 If it’s raining, your umbrella is going to blow inside out and break. You are better off throwing it away instead of struggling with it. 7 If you are on the beach, you are getting pelted with sand and are not a happy camper. 8 A plane ride feels more like extreme rides in an amusement park. 9 If you just raked leaves and they are in piles in the street, you just wasted your time. 10 You need a torch to light your cigarette because the wind keeps blowing it out.
1 Throwing pasta into boiling water and forgetting to lower the temperature. Volcano 🌋! 2 Heating up oil and throwing chicken in the frying pan. You get splattered all over by angry oil. Oochie Ouchie! 3 In an attempt to avoid under-cooking your cookies, you end up with hockey pucks. 4 Cracking eggs and getting shells in your food. Crunch crunch. 5 You have no clue when the meat is done so you keep flipping it in the pan. Maybe it will jump out when it is done. Flippity flop. 6 You forget to spray the pan and can’t get the eggs out. The poor eggs look like they have been thru a war. 7 While waiting for your food to bake, you occupy yourself until it is done. Then you forget until smoke starts coming out of the oven. 911! 8 Your meal turns out perfectly then you drop it on the floor. Three-second rule? 9 Messing up on a recipe and trying to save the dish by adding more stuff. Botched! Just throw it away already. 10 You undercook your cake and while it is cooling, it implodes. Oh my!