1 If the person doesn’t use spell check or reread their text, you have to decipher what they are trying to say. It is like talking in tongues. 2 You text a paragraph to someone about something and pour your heart out. You anxiously await their response and get k. Wow, we are no longer friends. 3 You can’t read emotion. A text should read like a script. (Standing with her hands on her hips) Are you serious? (sticking up the middle finger to the phone and stringing a line of curses) You better come up with a better excuse than that! (His clothes are scattered on the front lawn) 4 The person has time to think about how they want to answer you back. There is no face to face where you can read their face and body language. 5 You tend to text the person you are trying to vent about instead of the person you want to vent to. 6 You can’t tell if you have hurt someone’s feelings. You need to squirm. 7 It’s easier to ignore people by not opening their texts and lamely pretending that you didn’t get it. You aren’t fooling anyone. 8 It’s hard to visit with someone who can’t take their eyes off of their phone. You almost feel like you need to leave the room. 9 You find yourself getting angry when people don’t answer you in a certain amount of time. You take it personally and turn the conversation into an argument. The poor person you were texting phone died and they are going to get hit with a bunch of aggressive messages when their phone turns back on. 10 Punctuation can change the whole meaning of a text. “I’m sorry. I love you so much.” compared to “I’m sorry I love you so much.” Oh boy.
1 Pulling out in front of someone when there are no cars for miles behind them. Someone is looking for a beating. 2 Someone who obviously didn’t wash their hands in the bathroom and comes out trying to put their paws all over you. Ewww, get away!! 3 When someone blocks you in a parking lot because there were no more spots. They made their own parking space then fell off the face of the earth. Now what genius? Bumper cars anyone? 4 Seeing a bunch of people waiting in line and jumping to the front like you are a VIP. You are more like a donkey. What did you think all of those people were doing? Waiting for a bus? 5 Someone sitting right on top of you when there are plenty of empty seats around you. Quick, start coughing. 6 Eating something in the fridge that you know someone else was looking forward to but not caring. Really? Game on stupid. 7 Borrowing someone’s car and not filling it up with gas. They get ready to go to work and there are only fumes left. 8 Asking a woman if she is pregnant without having a clue. Thanks, buddy. I am still trying to lose my baby weight from the birth of my son. He is 20. 9 Telling secrets about people as if you are in a soundproof room. I can hear you! You may want to work on your whispering skills. 10 Texting while walking through a parking lot without paying attention to your surroundings. Don’t be surprised if you land on the hood of someone’s car or under the tires.
1 When you pee, it smells like a fresh pot of coffee. 2 You are so wired that you don’t need wifi 3 You don’t add water to the coffee pot. You drink it straight up 4 Instead of a coffee mug you drink straight out of the coffee pot 5 You answer the door before people knock 6 You can hold both sides of a conversation 7 Your heart feels like a drum solo 8 You talk faster than an auctioneer 9 You want to be cremated just so you can be in a coffee can 10 Your eyes are so bugged out that there are no pupils
1 The cars on the street where you just parallel parked looks like a demolition derby 2 You make your turns on two wheels 3 When the light turns green, you take off like a bat out of hell and drive like you are in a drag race 4 You put your makeup on and eat breakfast while you are driving 5 Your bumpers are rainbow-colored from hitting other cars 6 Everyone else offers to drive when you go out. You think you have the nicest friends when in reality, they pray that they get back in one piece when you drive. 7 Your navigation says to stop in 500 feet to let it out 8 Your mirror is hanging off your car. That’s ok. You only needed one anyway. 9 Your passenger is putting on their fake brakes and holding on for dear life 10 You drive the wrong way down a one-way street and curse everyone else out for going the wrong way
1 Getting lost but refusing to admit it. Instead, you say that you took the scenic way on purpose. 2 He blames every bad mood you have on PMS 😡. No, but when I get it, I will make sure it lasts a month just for you. The nerve!! This one deserves a slap instead of an eye roll. 3 If you show some emotion or talk a little louder, you are crazy or nuts. 4 When you try to talk to them while they are playing video games and they actually get mad because you got them killed 5 Make pooping an event that takes an hour. Just poop and get out! Why stay in there longer than you have to? 6 When you tell him all about the weekend plans and then the time comes and he acts surprised and says you never told him. 7 When we go for a midnight swim because you didn’t put the toilet seat down. 8 Taking off his socks and leaving them all over the house. 9 Driving with the seat reclined like you plan on taking a nap. Put that seat up and pay attention. You are driving, not watching TV in your living room. 10 Putting empty cartons back in the fridge instead of the trash can.
1 An expensive car that costs more than your annual salary. You have to drive 25 mph because you are too afraid to crash or even scratch the car. 2 Clothing that is brand new. Talk about pressure. It is an open invitation for food and drinks to drop all over the beautiful fabric. 3 Good jewelry – You drink too much and drop the earring somewhere in your house. You have to hope that you can crawl around every square inch of your house and find it before the vacuum does or your friend wants them back. 4 Luggage – The airline loses your luggage except it isn’t yours. There is no way you can afford to replace it. That is why you borrowed it in the first place. 5 Shoes – They are more than your paycheck but look so sparkly. You stepped in some mud and there is no way to save these shoes. 6 You lose the item you borrowed and replace it. When you return it, your friend has a strange look on her face but she is too polite to tell you that this is nothing like what you borrowed. 7 You dent her car but it is on the passenger’s side so maybe by the time she notices, she will think it was her. 8 You borrow something and forget to return it. By the time your friend asks for it back, you have no clue where it is. 9 You stay at your friends luxurious house for the weekend but are so afraid to ruin anything that you stress yourself out and forget to have fun. 10 You borrow a chainsaw to cut down a tree but have no clue what you are doing. The tree falls into your neighbors house. Oops 😬 timber!
1 Someone not very talkative. They give one word answers and you are out questions with awkward silence. 2 A low talker. It constantly sounds like mumbling and the audience is straining to hear. 3 Someone argumentative. Instead of a friendly conversation you have a debate on your hands. 4 Someone boring. You are looking for great ratings not a snooze fest. 5 When you ask a question and they go off on a rant and no one knows what they are talking about. Twilight Zone. 6 They show up sloppy drunk and have no clue what is happening. It turns into a babysitting gig. 7 They curse like a sailor. After bleeping it out there is nothing left of the interview. 8 One who takes over and asks you questions. You lose control of your own show. 9 Someone who decides to have their life fall apart on your show. C’mon get it together. 10 Someone who uses your show for their own social or political issues. No one asked. Go tell someone who cares.
1 You throw some blonde highlights in your dark hair and look like a bengal tiger. 2 There is more dye on the floor, sink, and your shirt than on your head. 3 Not only did you dye your hair but your ears and side of your face match too. 4 You try to dye your brows. Either they fall out or you look like a theatrical nightmare. 5 Your scalp has an allergic reaction to the dye. Yikes! 6 You leave it in too long and you look like the mistress of darkness. 7 Your hair is long and one box isn’t gonna do it. Everyone in the store is looking at the crazy lady who ran in like a bat out of hell with dye in her hair. 8 You close yourself in the bathroom with all the windows closed breathing in nasty fumes. You are killing brain cells by the second. 9 You put so much bleach in your hair and it is dried out. You are surprised when a horse mistakes your hair for hay. 10 You think you are a chemist and mix two boxes of color together. Give your hair a break. It’s not a science project.
1 You have to get a 75” TV because you can’t see anything smaller. 2 If you go into the ocean for a little swim, you have no clue where your blanket is when you come out. Hopefully your people will flag you down. 3 When you wake up in the morning you can’t see the clock without squinting or tugging at the corners of your eyes. 4 Your world is out of focus and distorted. You feel like you are stuck in a funhouse. 5 Sometimes you see double and that’s before drinking. 6 You can’t see street signs until you are on top of them or when you pass them. It takes a lot longer to navigate. 7 If something is in your eye, you can’t get it out because you can’t see without glasses. It’s a catch 22. 8 You can’t see the scale without taking a picture of it and zooming in. 9 You think you recognize people from across the room and wave enthusiastically, only to find out it is a stranger. 10 You get mad when you can’t get into your car then eventually realize it’s not yours.
1 A rubberband is worn on your wrist like a bracelet in case your hair needs emergency intervention. 2 You invest in conditioner, frizz cream, hot oil and any other experimental treatments that may work. 3 Don’t get your hair cut too short or it will puff up like a poodle. 4 Don’t straighten your hair if you are going to the beach. It is a no win battle. 5 There is no way you can wake up and run out the door. Your hair looks like medusa. 6 Brushing your hair is a no no. It will look like a rat’s nest if you do. 7 You can’t have men sleep over for fear that you would never see them again if they saw your bedhead. 8 Your bangs are a weather forecaster and look like the Monopoly man’s mustache if rain is on the way. 9 Traveling with the car windows down is a nightmare because your hair transforms into a chia pet. 10 Check the weather before doing your hair. If it’s going to be humid or rainy, surrender immediately.
1 Your desk keeps moving closer to the door. 2 Everyone goes out to lunch leaving you to answer the phones. 3 You are the only one with a cubicle. 4 The person who sits next to you emails you instead of talking 5 Everyone gets a summer vacation but you can’t take yours until winter. 6 They set the alarm when you are in the bathroom. When you come out, the police are there. 7 All of the irate customer calls are transferred to you. 8 You haven’t received a raise in 10 years but everyone else has. 9 Your parking spot is the furthest away from the office. 10 Your paycheck bounces every time you try and cash it.
1 You cough so hard, that it feels like you did 100 sit-ups 2 Your nose is stuffed so you blow it and nothing happens. You blow harder and your ear blows out and starts ringing. 3 You keep waiting to take your meds again because you feel like death. Four more hours to go. 4 Your room is filling up with dirty tissues. Pretty soon your husband won’t be able to find you. 5 Every time you try to eat, the food tastes like it went bad. 6 You see yourself in the mirror and look like something that came out of a horror movie. 7 You coughed so much that your voice sounds horrific. 8 Don’t bother looking up your symptoms. You are dead. 9 You start to wonder if alcohol will work better since the meds aren’t doing the trick. 10 You are so sick that Alexa is ignoring you so she doesn’t get sick.
1 Don’t worry. I only had two beers. It takes a six-pack before I start bouncing off of curbs. 2 I was only going 80 mph. You should have stopped the other guy. He flew past me and was probably going at least 90 mph. If I didn’t stop, you never would have caught me. 3 Officer, I am really in a hurry right now. Can you speed this process up? 4 So how much money will it take to make this go away? 5 You are a little grouchy tonight. You must not have eaten your doughnut. 6 Oh… you are giving me a speeding ticket? Thank God. I thought you were pulling me over for smoking weed. 7 Oops I think I just handed you my fake ID. Here you go. This is the real one. 8 Whatever you do, please don’t ask me to pop my trunk. 9 How would you like to climb in the back seat with me and show me your big gun. I will take my clothes off so you can frisk me. 10 Well you see, I dropped my gun while I was driving. I tried to pick it up and then knocked my beer over. I thought my car was going to stop, but I must have hit the gas pedal instead. It is a little hard to drive when you are trying to clean up.
1 You work at an oral surgeon’s office and are terrified to fall asleep for fear of waking up in the chair. 2 You look at the tools on the tray in the room, and they remind you of torture scenes in movies. 3 You hear someone moan or cry out in another room, and your first thought is to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. 4 You hear the drill, and your teeth instantly hurt. 5 The dentist insists on asking you questions when working on your mouth. How can you hold a conversation with tools and hands in your mouth? 6 Even better, you are trying to answer when they tell you to rinse out. The problem is, you have a bloody string of spit hanging from your lips that won’t go away. 7 The dentist comes at you with a big needle, and you can’t help but wonder if you just took your last breath. 8 The dentist puts a nitrous mask over your nose and mouth, and you hope you don’t wake up in the trunk of your kidnapper’s car. 9 You feel like you went to first base with someone you never wanted to get to know better. 10 You feel like you are being held prisoner with your mouth open forever. The longer you sit, the more you hate the dentist. You find yourself getting agitated and want to yell, “Hurry up already!”
1 You drink 8 ounces and pee out 32. 2 You constantly get the urge that you better go and when you do, it is 2 drops. 3 You cough or sneeze and it’s all over. Time to carry extra underwear. 4 You can’t walk by fountains anymore. They instantly make you have to go. 5 You get stuck in traffic and are in panic mode because you didn’t allow for extra time. Two hours is your limit. 6 You have to pee before you make your way home from work and your commute is only 30 minutes. 7 Peeing is now part of your sleep routine. You can’t get more than four hours of sleep without a bathroom break. 8 You try holding it for as long as possible. Once you give in, you have to go ten more times. 9 When you are pregnant, your baby kicks and you have to run for the bathroom. 10 You have to live in Florida because cold weather makes you pee.
1 You plan to take a nice walk after dinner and it’s pitch black outside. 2 You wear shorts, a tee shirt, and flip flops and insist you aren’t cold even though your teeth are chattering. 3 You hang out on the beach like a die hard just to prove it’s still beach weather. 4 You stroll on the boardwalk and are mad that all the stores are closed when you are a paying customer. 5 You eat ice cream and have to put a jacket on after because it made you cold. 6 You cruise around with your jeep top down and the heat on. 7 You argue that summer isn’t over as long as there are still seagulls hanging out. 8 You continue to have barbecues and make your guests stay outside. 9 You cut the grass even though it stopped growing weeks ago. 10 You sit on a pool float with a frozen cocktail. Keep those drinks 🍹 coming.
Annoying people on a plane: 1 The chatterbox that doesn’t stop talking no matter how many hints you give. 2 The person who yells out loud with turbulence because they are convinced they are going to die. Why didn’t you take the bus? 3 The person who sneezes and coughs all over you. Now they are blowing their nose. The question isn’t whether you will get sick but when. 4 The person who marinates in perfume and it is the worst brand. You have an instant headache. 5 The person who keeps going to the bathroom and makes you get up and down like a jack in the box. Turns out you didn’t need to buy a seat. 6 The person next to you who takes up their seat and half of yours. Hey space invader, get lost. 7 The person who reclines the entire flight and should have just sat in your lap. 8 The hog who steals your overhead bin when they are sitting nowhere near it. 9 Your neighbor forgetting to shower when the last thing you want to smell is au naturale 10 A rude person watching a movie or playing video games without ear buds.
The cons of safety a (it might all be true but it saves your life)
1 Safety goggles – Sure nothing will fly in your eye but they fog up and you can’t see the saw and lose a hand and can’t wave to your buddies. 2 Safety harness – It restricts your movement and you feel like a puppet. You decide to ditch the heavy gear and defy gravity. After all you are invincible. 3 Surgical mask – The fibers tickle your nose, it makes you claustrophobic, you have trouble breathing, and If you sneeze it’s a mess. 4 Jeans in carpentry- They are too hot in the summer, uncomfortable, and are effective birth control since they strangle the family jewels. 5 earplugs – They irritate your ear canal and push your ear wax to your brain. 6 hard hats – They irritate your forehead, make you go bald and fall off when you bend over. 7 gloves – You get sweaty glove hands. It feels like you lost five pounds. 8 steel toe boots – They cut into your piggies unless you wear three pairs of socks, feel like cement blocks on your feet, and you try to walk less since each step causes you pain. 9 athletic cup – It chafes against your legs and is a plastic sweat box. 10 mouthguard – It cuts up your gums, falls out of your mouth if you are a mouth breather, and pushes your lips out.
Why it’s better to text someone than have a conversation:
1 You don’t have to wait until after work to ask a question or make plans. 🤫 don’t tell the boss. 2 You don’t have to talk for an hour before getting to the real point of your call. 3 You can finish arguing by text so that you can makeup in person. 4 Nosey people around you can’t eavesdrop on your conversation. Maybe they will gossip less. 5 You don’t have to debate about what was said. Just pull up the text. Hard to say, it wasn’t me. 6 If you are tired and resting you can have a conversation at your own pace instead of missing something on TV. You can have it all. 7 It’s easier to express yourself when you have time to think. 8 It’s easier to look back on meeting times and places than trying to recall a conversation. It’s hard to trust your memory. 9 Sometimes face to face chats are nerve wracking especially when the person you are dealing with is a spaz. 10 You can let someone know you are thinking of them instead of calling and hanging up in 30 seconds. Seems rude.
1 Someone who pays attention to you. You shouldn’t have to smack the phone out of their hand. 2 Someone who compliments your looks without giving unwanted advice on your exercise, eating habits, or fashion sense. If you open your mouth, make it worthwhile. 3 Someone who doesn’t need mothering. We want a partner in crime not an overgrown child who needs to be taken care of and whines. 4 Someone who shares the same interests. If you are a sports fanatic and your partner has no interest, it’s like talking to someone who speaks a foreign language. 5 Someone with a little ambition. A couch potato isn’t a job. 6 Someone with good manners. If you can’t treat strangers nice, you need to show yourself the door. 7 Someone with a sense of humor. It’s okay to be serious but bust a smile once in a while and be willing to die laughing. 8 Someone who has some looks and brains. Looks are great but you need to be able to use your noodle. 9 Someone willing to put in the work. Relationships are hard and walking away is too easy. Step up to the plate and finish what you started. 10 Someone who doesn’t play games. Board games are fun but head games are exhausting. No time to stroke that ego.
1 Your temper has a mind of its own. One little comment can put you right over the edge and unleashes the tasmanian devil. 2 You eat six meals a day and are still hungry. 3 You are bleeding every month now and have to wear a diaper instead of a bandaid. It somehow makes you a woman but it is a punishment. 4 You wake up one day and your voice sounds like Darth Vader. Whoa, what the heck? 5 Every time you look at a hot girl it feels like you are pitching a tent and it won’t go down. 6 You have these beautiful boobs and just want to show them off every chance you get. Your mom lectures you on the importance of wearing a bra. 7 You wash your face constantly and it looks like a pizza. 8 Your parents constantly get on your nerves and suddenly their stories are embarrassing to you. 9 You have to shave and it is an ordeal that is dangerous. The worst part is that it keeps growing back and you have to shave two days later. 10 Something smells like a hoagie. You have no idea it is you until your mom buys you body sprays and deodorant.
1 You tried to pick it and now it looks like an angry volcano. 2 You put concealer on it but now it is more noticeable. 3 You put ice on it. The zit is still there but your face is numb. 4 You put a dab of toothpaste on it. Now you have fresh breath and a minty face. 5 You mixed a natural home remedy with garlic cloves and lemon. Now you have a rash on your face in addition to the pimple you started with. 6 You tried witch hazel but now you are casting spells and the pimple moved to the tip of your nose. 7 You used super glue instead of Elmer’s to remove the pimple. Oops, you just lost a layer of skin and look sunburnt. 8 Your pimple on your forehead is so big it looks like a cyclops. It is getting worse so you tie on a headband to cover that sucker up. 9 Nothing is working so strap a mask on and call it a day. 10 Color it black and call it a beauty mark.
1 They develop a case of amnesia and forget to pay you back. 2 They think you have more money than them and you can afford it. 3 They come up with excuses of being in a tight situation, yet they drive a new car, regularly go to bars, and buy lunch out. 4 They get mad when you bring it up and stop talking to you. Good one! 5 They avoid you like the plague. If you don’t exist, they don’t have to pay it back. 6 They tell you that they paid you already. They laugh at you for having a bad memory when you know they are outright lying. 7 They tell you next time, because they don’t carry cash. Next time turns into next year and then never. 8 They try and say that they never borrowed money from you. You have them mixed up with someone else. 9 They get all indignant and write IOU on a bar napkin. How about you keep buying me drinks on your credit card until I am paid in full. 10 Do you mind coming with me to the police department? Why? I need to file a report since you stole from me.
1 Save that instrument in case we need to do an autopsy. 2 Accept this sacrifice great lord of darkness. 3 Spot! Put that down! Bad dog!! 4 Hand me that thing a ma bob over there. 5 Fire!! Evacuate the premises immediately! 6 Well folks, we all learn from our mistakes. Better luck next time. 7 Honey, what do you mean you want a DIVORCE!! 8 Damn, I am having trouble focusing today. 9 Oh no! Where are my instructions? I forget what comes next. 10 Just hand me the instrument. You don’t need to sterilize it. The three-second rule applies here.
Dealing with salespeople (I wouldn’t want their job and I do empathize):
1 They promise not to hover, but every time you turn around, there they are! 2 They ring the doorbell while you are making dinner. You try to ignore it but they refuse to go away. 3 You tell them your bottom line and you are still required to go through all of the haggling before reaching the bottom line. 4 You don’t believe in warranties. You politely say no when offered but this particular person won’t take no for an answer. They let you know you will be up a creek without a paddle when something goes wrong. Thanks, I’ll be taking those odds. 5 You agree to buy a car and then they try to throw in all of the extras and have the nerve to charge you for every little thing. What do you mean, the steering wheel is extra? 6 When you listen to all of the jibber-jabber and decide the product is not for you, the person keeps trying different angles. Yeah, it’s still a no! 7 When going door to door selling solar panels, they let you know that Joe Blow down the street is interested in their product. Great! Tell them to pay for mine while they are at it. 8 This guy talks so much that you can’t even get a word in. Okay, I’m just going to close the door and let you talk to yourself. 9 They tell you, “It’s your loss.” Can you get your boss on the phone? I want to return the favor so that when you lose your job, it can be your loss. 10 Stop following me and telling me about every product that I put my finger on. One more word and I am going to start throwing things!
1 You fall asleep and everyone is staring at you like you are crazy when you finally open your eyes. 2 You are so late to the surprise party that the guests think you are the guest of honor. They yell surprise and then the real guest of honor shows up. What a mess! 3 You are talking about depressing topics such as every ailment that you are experiencing instead of having fun. Everyone is trying to get away from you. 4 You are the first one to leave and you didn’t stay long enough to even say you went to a party. Stay home next time. 5 You were assigned one of the main dishes and forgot all about it. Now everyone has to starve. 6 You brought kids to an adult party. Tsk tsk. 7 You keep telling jokes that aren’t funny and annoying everyone around you. 8 You get sloppy drunk and are standing nose to nose with people when talking. Yo buddy, go drink some mouthwash. 9 You monopolize the conversation and drone on and on which wouldn’t be a problem if you were interesting. 10 You keep trying to interrupt people who are in deep conversation and you are clearly unwanted. Take a hint and go far far away. Bye!
1 When your GYN is examining you and holding a full conversation at the same time. 2 When your GYN keeps telling you to scootch down, and you are afraid you are going to land on his nose. 3 When you go for a mammogram and they tell you to hold your breath. “Lady, I can’t even breathe.” 4 When your breasts are smaller and the technician keeps playing with them like silly putty to get them on the tray. 5 When they tell you to push when you are in labor, and you have no idea what you are doing. You fart instead. 6 When you have to drink 32 ounces of water 1 hour before your ultrasound test. You feel like you are drowning while trying to drink that much, and then you have to pee so bad. Sometimes they tell you to go to the restroom and let a little out. Hard to do when you are about to bust. There is no stopping a flood. 7 When your GYN enters your back door. “Whoa there buddy. That door is off limits.” 8 When your GYN does a breast exam, and it feels like he is kneading pizza dough. Make it stop! 9 When you are told to undress and put a paper gown on. You get undressed in less than a minute so that you don’t get caught naked. There was no need to rush, because you sit there cold and waiting for the doctor for a long time. 10 When you go to the ER as a teenager for pain that you think is appendicitis, only to find out that it is just ovulation. (true story by the way) Ummm, what is my ovary the size of a watermelon!!
1 He lies about his salary to impress her. He says he makes 3 figures a week. Well, $400 is 3 figures. 2 She tells him he is so funny even though she really doesn’t get his jokes at all. She lets out a fake laugh that is so loud because she really wants to cry. 3 He says he has a place of his own but neglects to say he has 3 other roommates. His room is his own. 4 She says she is fine splitting the check when he asks. Honey, you will never see her again. You can’t open that wallet for a first date? C’ya. 5 He makes his last breakup seem mutual and embellishes a bit so that you don’t think any less of him. He is looking to impress you instead of telling you his stalking habits after the breakup. 6 She doesn’t tell you about her child, because it’s a little detail that she can surprise you with some other time. 7 He tells you how busy he is all the time because you wouldn’t ask for a second date if you knew that he was a couch potato who preferred to stay home. 8 She says that she runs when he asks about working out. Truth is, she runs around, but not to the gym. 9 He says he loves romantic comedies because he knows you will think he is awesome. Hopefully, you will forget if the relationship lasts. 10 She says she isn’t much of a drinker but that tonight is a special occasion. She can really knock them back because she is a boozehound.
1 You try to be mindful when going out to dinner. You order the special, which ends up being the most expensive thing on the menu. Ripoff! 2 You get some extra cash but the house finds out about it and wants it’s fair share. 3 You keep telling Alexa to order things for you. They are inexpensive but add up quicker than you can count the money. 4 Your cable company charges so much that you need to take out a mortgage to pay for it. 5 You buy your coffee every day. It’s not a magic trick. You can make your own just as good. 6 Your car guy is aware that you don’t know diddly squat about cars. He talks you into a whole bunch of extra maintenance that you don’t need. 7 You are on vacation, therefore you are entitled to anything you want. You do know that you are getting billed for all of those luxuries later? 8 You get a cleaning service and clean up before they come. Why? 9 You pay for bottled water 💧 that comes from questionable water sources. You are better off taking your chance with spigot water. 10 You pay for warranties that you will never use or never cover what breaks. Let it ride. That way you don’t have to hear, “Your warranty doesn’t cover that. It would have been covered under the premium warranty.” Too bad sucker.
1 He shows up on a bike, and it’s not a motorcycle. 2 She drinks too much and throws up on you when you make a move. 3 He shows up with a reinforcement. Umm no, three is a crowd. 4 She forgets your name and attempts to remember by using the wrong one. 5 He gets out a calculator to figure out who pays for what. 6 She talks negatively about her ex the whole time. It seems like she doesn’t even like men. 7 He brings you back to his place, except it isn’t his place. His room is in the basement of his mom’s house, and he is thirty. 8 She doesn’t make eye contact with you the entire night. However, she flirts with the waiter and doesn’t hide the fact that he left his number on the bill. 9 He tells you to dress nicely. You wear a cute red dress, and he shows up in a Grateful Dead shirt and jeans. 10 She tells you she is looking for a serious relationship and wants to have a baby within the next year. Run!!
1 I am sure the money you make is way more than your hospital bill, but to me, it is not worth it. 2 Hold the entrance song! I think I need to go get sick. Oh yea, definitely sick. I may be a while. I may walk out the back door instead. 3 I have to agree that coming walking in to a good song with people cheering for you is super cool, but that’s about it. 4 Excuse me. This isn’t a girl. She is built like a man and is tatted up like a prisoner. 5 Hey, I am stuck in here. Where’s the door? The walls are a chain-link fence. It feels claustrophobic. 6 Oh God, it smells like sweat and blood in here. Gross. Did someone wipe this down with bleach? 7 Hey, put some socks on! Did you cut your toenails? Gross! Get your feet away from me. 8 Oh no! You have me in a chokehold! Your pits stink. 9 Is my nose supposed to be on the side of my face? 10 Thank God it’s over. I lost but I didn’t die. Give me a mirror. Who the heck is that? I look deformed. Where is my eye? Call a plastic surgeon.
1 You never get to finish a show because he keeps channel surfing every commercial. Maybe he thinks he will gain more knowledge the more shows he watches. 2 He shouldn’t have too much luxury since we were the remote controls when we were kids. Our parents just yelled out the channel they wanted us to turn on. 3 He keeps rewinding sports when he doesn’t agree with the referee. He proves his point by watching it over and over. 4 Who made him the king of the remote? He might not play video games, but his thumbs twitch when he sees a remote. It makes him powerful. 5 He loves slow motion and every good sports play has to be watched again and then in slo mo. 6 Give him a recliner and a remote and he is a man possessed. He forgets there is anyone else in the room. 7 You have to negotiate to get the remote away from him. His fingers have to be pried off. 8 He gets a feeling of accomplishment watching the dvr and zapping all of the commercials. He is like a superhero saving all kinds of time. 9 With the voice app he gets to boss around the remote just like poor Alexa. 10 He flies into a panic when he can’t find his remote. It’s like telling him that someone drank all of his beer.
1 Falling asleep because you cuddle with them and are instantly knocked out. 2 When we pass gas that turns deadly, it’s always the dog’s fault. People will forgive the dog. 3 Having to cut visits short because we have to let the dog out. 4 Tripping over the dog and you were the one not watching where you were going. 5 Waking us up when we are sound asleep with loud barking. We don’t care who comes in the house. Let us sleep. 6 Spending all of our money on the dogs. Sure there are vet bills and food but they don’t tell you to buy them bones, treats, toys, outfits, beds and gadgets. That’s all on you. 7 Having an accident in the house when we were the ones who lost track of time. It’s not like the dog can open the door. 8 Making us late to work because we feel bad leaving them and five more minutes turns into fifteen. 9 Eating our shoes or something we love when we are the ones who left it out like a free invitation. 10 Having sore muscles when you wake up because you had to maneuver your body in weird positions in bed so you didn’t have to disturb the dog.
1 You drove and are unfamiliar with the area. You worry about finding your way home the entire time. 2 Instead of putting your phone away, you bring it with you and the kids keep interrupting your fun. 3 You are having the best time ever and then remember a deadline. Your mind has left the moment. 4 You plan so far ahead that your mind is already thinking about next weekend instead of enjoying this weekend. 5 You are too busy capturing the moment instead of taking in the moment. It’s time to leave but you want to stay because you only saw it thru a camera lens. 6 We only live for the weekends by wishing away the other five days. 7 When your vacation only has a few days left you worry about going home instead of savoring the last few. 8 You are too busy daydreaming and are in lala land. 9 Your mind is all over the place and won’t slow down long enough to smell the roses. 10 You ran out of moolah and have to watch everyone else having fun. You are on the outside looking in.
1 You talk in a soft sex kitten voice and he yells ,”Why are you whispering? For God’s sake, Speak up!.” 2 You go into the bathroom to slip into something comfortable. When you come out, someone is passed out and sawing wood. 3 You splash 💦 on a little perfume, and your hubby has a full blown asthma attack. There goes the mood. 4 You put on a new outfit and he asks, “What the hell are you wearing?” 😡 Well you won’t be seeing me wear nothing! 5 You try to get his attention by dancing and he says, “I hope you are doing that for the dogs 🐶.” 6 Meeting your husband at the door in your birthday suit, except it isn’t him. My apologies. 7 You send your husband a text message telling him what you are going to do to him when he gets home. Problem is his boss was in the car too when siri reads the message out loud. Awkward. 8 You decide to use handcuffs and can’t find the key afterwards. His parents will be there in an hour for the weekend. This one will be hard to explain. 9 You forgot to close the windows. Now the whole neighborhood knows what you did. 10 You try to use the bedpost as a strippers pole. It’s not THAT sturdy. Timber! You have to pick yourself up off the floor.
Things that spoil a nice shower: 1 Someone flushes the toilet in the house after you clearly announced that you were taking a shower. You lost a layer of skin. Two can play that game my friend. 2 One of the kids wakes up and comes looking for you. “Mommy are you in here?” You are trying to hide in the shower hoping they will go away. 3 Your significant other bursts into your cone of silence to do a number two. The toilet is right next to the shower. You almost smash the glass trying to evacuate the area as quickly as possible. 4 You forgot a towel and you are going to freeze 🥶 trying to get out. You extend your shower as long as possible and then have to man up and get out. 1,2 wait wait 1,2, 2.5, 2.75,3!!! Go Go Go 5 You are having a nice relaxing shower and someone keeps knocking on the door telling you to hurry up because they need a shower 🚿. 6 You shave your leg and knick yourself. You look down and the pool of water looks like a murder scene. My leg 🦵! 7 Your contact falls out and your vision is blurry. You are crawling on all fours to find it before it washes down the drain. 8 You get shampoo in your eye and it feels like your eyeball is floating in hot sauce. You try to flush it with water but don’t like anything in your eye, so you have to pry it open. 9 The soap bar slides off the holder and nails you on the big toe. Yowww! 10 The soap makes the shower floor so slippery you are suddenly ice 🧊 skating.
1 There is no one to talk to, so you need to talk out loud to yourself or to the pets. 2 You are distracted away from your work too easily and find yourself watching tv and doing chores. 3 You don’t have a home office so your couch is your new desk. 4 Your wifi is trash so instead of working 9 to 5, you work until bedtime. 5 Your kid is home sick and you have no sitter. The workday is a nightmare with the constant interruptions. 6 You miss face to face collaboration so much that you run outside to bounce ideas off of the mailman or anyone on the street who will listen. 7 Pajamas are your new work uniform since there is no need to get dressed anymore.
Your coworkers think you are fooling around instead of working. They assume you get up at noon, run errands, then work a couple hours. 9 Everyone is home because of the pandemic. Your first job is to homeschool the kids. Your work from home happens before they wake up and after they go to sleep. You are a walking zombie. 10 Your dog doesn’t understand the whole work at home concept. If you are home then they want to go outside and play. If that isn’t enough they want to sit with you all day too. Your new personal assistant doesn’t work.
1 Your dog thinks you are playing when doing floor exercises and joins in on the fun. 2 Your family doesn’t want to leave you alone and thinks you should multitask while exercising 3 There is no separate workout space and you don’t have a large enough area. You extend your leg and there goes a lamp. 4 You get carried away by trying to do a double workout and can’t move for a few days. You never go back to your workout. 5 You don’t drink enough water when exercising and slurp soda or ice tea instead. 6 Doing as many reps or more than the person on tv to prove you are in great shape or better than them. 7 Pushing your body because you need to punish it for eating too much. 8 Walking away because you hate a certain exercise and can’t do it. Not doing it!! 9 Checking your phone while exercising and focusing on the wrong thing. 10 You jog in the house and get hurt running into furniture because you were too busy watching tv.
1 You get on the ferris wheel and it stops at the top FOREVER! The person in your car thinks its funny to rock it. Why you little 👊🏼! 2 Your appointment in the City is on the 52nd floor. The thought gives you the heebie jeebies. 3 There is traffic on the bridge and you can feel it swaying. C’mon find the gas pedal people. 4 You have to cross a rope bridge at the adventure park and your heart ❤️ is in your mouth. Everyone else runs across and you are walking as if you are on a tightrope. 5 You are on a rooftop and afraid to go anywhere near the edge. Something may throw you off. 👻 6 You climb a ladder and make the mistake of looking down. You get weak in the knees and your tummy does flips. 7 You are in the first car of a roller coaster. When you get to the top and start dropping, you are sure you are plummeting to your death. 8 Taking the elevator on the cruise ship and it is glass, so you can see how high you are traveling. 9 Taking a chair lift for skiing and then having to jump off while it is moving. I didn’t sign up for this stunt. 10 Taking the train to the City and it crosses the bridge on the outside rail. Yikes! Everyone sit on the left. Quick!
1 You tell on yourself five seconds into the lie. You just can’t do it. 2 Your poker face is so bad that everyone folds when you have a good hand. How are you supposed to make any money? 3 Your voice goes high at the part where you are lying. Sounds like you sucked on some helium. 4 You can’t make eye contact with the person you are lying to. Instead you look up at the sky as if you are begging God for forgiveness. 5 You are so nervous you take a drink but it’s like truth serum. There’s no way you can lie now. 6 You are sweating profusely because lying makes you uncomfortable. You are saved only because the person you are talking to thinks you are sick and allows you to excuse yourself. 7 You are stumbling over your words and can’t stop stuttering. It is very obvious that you are lying. 8 Your hands won’t stay still and are swinging all over the place. 9 You told the lie but didn’t count on questions being asked. Help!! Somebody. Anybody? 10 You are talking so fast to get it over with but the person didn’t understand a word that came out of your trap. Quick. Run away!
1 Going out without checking the weather. The sky gets dark and a storm moves in. Looks like you might be meeting the grim reaper. 2 Stepping from the dock to the boat without securing the line. Oh boy you are going to have to make a split decision 😂 Take a swim or pull a groin. 3 Coming in hot while docking the boat. Excuse me you do realize that you have no brakes. 4 Backing up too far at the boat ramp and not putting the parking brake on. Your truck is now underwater and lucky you, bystanders are documenting the event on their cell phones. 5 Standing up on the boat when you should be sitting. Don’t be surprised if your turn into a pinball bouncing off the bumpers. That’s gonna leave a bruise. 6 Navigating on the wrong side of the buoys. This will guarantee you a trip to the bar. The sand bar. 7 Flying through another boat’s wake like you are jumping a ramp. You may want to count your passengers when you land 8 Taking your pontoon into the rough ocean trying to hang with the big boys. You might be hanging off the side of you boat once the waves start boarding. 9 Forgetting to put your drain plug in and wondering where all of the water is coming from. Grab a bucket and start baling. 10 Running out of gas ⛽️. Start swimming 🏊 Bet you won’t make that mistake again.
1 Splitting tens in blackjack or hitting when you shouldn’t be, which is like stealing someone else’s cards. 2 Hitting the ATM machine like it is free money. Don’t do it. You will regret it in the morning. 3 Taking free drinks and not tipping or not tipping the dealer when you are winning. Cheapskate! 4 Reaching in for your chips before the dealer pays everyone. You wanna get slapped? 5 Running out after winning a big pot in poker ♠️. Someone is going to catch a beating. 6 Texting on your phone when playing at a table. Hello? Someone’s momma didn’t teach them any manners. 7 Spilling your drink 🍹 at the table resulting in it closing. Happy now? You killed the mood and look like a donkey. 8 Expecting to win. You will go home crying if you plan to win. You should plan on how much you are willing to lose. 9 Socializing at the table instead of concentrating on what you should be doing. This is real money you are playing with. 10 Hogging up slot machines and telling people you are playing all of them. Mine! Someone never learned to share.
Signs you drank too much: 1 Telling everyone, including strangers, how much you love them because you need them to know. 2 Waking up in a strange bed and not knowing if it was voluntary or if you were kidnapped. 3 Dancing as if you are a pro but the crowd staring back at you has a different opinion 4 Becoming super confident and start picking fights with people for the fun of it 5 Becoming very opinionated and feel the need to share your thoughts with anyone who makes eye contact with you. 6 Talking and laughing super loud, because drinking somehow made you hard of hearing. 7 Do anything to prove you’re not drunk because you want to drive home 8 Tripping over things, but it is never your fault. Someone is trying to mess with you. 9 Blacking out with no recollection of your night. You may be surprised when your friends are mad at you but you can’t remember a thing. 10 Have no recollection of calling your exes to tell them everything that ever annoyed you about them after they shut down your hook up attempt Bonus – Sending random texts on impulse and saying whatever you want. Sounded brilliant at the time.
1 Something is on sale, but you can’t find it. They should give out treasure maps at the door. 2 The one-way arrows. If you don’t look down at the floor, you don’t even realize they are there. Plus, it is one more reason for people to give you dirty looks. 3 The cashier turns her light off just as you walk up and tells you that she is closed. I seriously want to throw my groceries at her. 4 The aisles are too narrow . There is always one person who parks their cart in the center of the aisle as if they are the only ones in the store. 5 You regret wearing shorts when you step into the cold and freezer aisles. You need special winter gear just to walk down those aisles. Burrrr 6 I keep waiting for the cashier to say, “This trip is free. Congratulations!” 7 Getting the faulty cart really ruins the trip. The wheel just won’t go the right way, and the store is packed. You are stuck with the cart. You either have to move diagonally or backward. Forward is not an option. As if shopping isn’t frustrating enough. 8 The person in front of you debates prices with the cashier on multiple items. This isn’t Let’s Make A Deal. Get your stuff and get out! 9 They ask if I found everything. Smart ass! I sure did. Plus I spent another $100 on a bunch of things that weren’t even on my list. 10 I get my groceries home and some of them say things that they didn’t say in the store. Fat-free, sugar-free, etc. There are extra words on the labels that weren’t there at the store.
1 When you only want to order one drink and want to hog the barstool for hours. A barstool is real estate and should be earning money. If you can’t pay up, get off. 2 The bar is slammed and you order a complicated drink. That shows your true colors, and you won’t be making friends. 3 They are not your personal therapist and do not want to hear all about your problems. They are there to make money, not to be bored to death. 4 Holding your cash up in the air to get their attention. Wait your turn showoff. 5 Sending your drink back to make it stronger. That is what you call a double. You get what you pay for. Nothing else is free. 6 Calling them over for an order then making them wait while you ask your friends what they want. Hey, you can’t hold the bartender hostage while you take your good ole time. Do you see everyone else waiting? 7 Stop making a mess of the bar. There is no need to tear off beer labels to keep your hands busy. Put them suckers in your pockets. 8 If you get flagged, don’t fight it. No need to be a know it all. If you knew so much, you wouldn’t be drunk. 9 If you are the only patron left, finish your drink and leave. Your bartender has a life to get back to, instead of waiting for one person to decide when they are good and ready to leave. 10 Grabbing their ass. First of all, what gives you the right? Secondly, they are only being nice to you for a tip. You have no chance.
1 The gas light comes on when you are already late to work, so you are forced to take your chances. 2 Low tire pressure warning always comes on when it is cold or rainy. I am not getting out of this car! 3 Steering assist is hard to use, because it is impossible to trust a car to play chicken with your life. 4 Your brakes give out, and you have to put your foot thru the floor board to stop 🛑. 5 Your battery is dead. You forgot to shut your lights off last night. The only thing your car has to say is click, click, click. 6 Your wipers are bad, and there is a monsoon while you are driving. You feel like you are underwater and can’t see a darn thing. 7 A rock cracks your windshield, and you see it travel slow motion all the way across. You don’t have $1 to your name. 8 Your power window gets stuck, and it is the middle of winter. Now you have to shiver 🥶 until it is fixed. 9 Your car starts smoking, and you evacuate and run for cover. Stop, drop, and roll baby. You wait a decent amount of time, but the car never blows up. 10 Your power steering goes, and it takes every muscle in your body to make a turn. You decide to go straight until it is repaired.
When you are asked for salary expectations on an interview:
1 You pay people to do this!! I was just trying to find something to do! 2 How much do you make? Pay me a little less than that since you have been here longer. 3 I know my last job didn’t pay so much, but I was young and dumb. I refuse to be taken advantage of again. 4 I can do the work of three people so buckle up and get ready for my magic number. 5 What do you think I am worth? Think about your answer, because you don’t want to piss me off. 6 Similar positions pay $40,000 so I will take $50,000, since I am above average. 7 I will cut you a break. Give me the amount you have in mind plus a $5,000 signing bonus and a company car. 8 I want three figures and I know you have it. Don’t even try to come up with excuses. This is a multi-million dollar company. 9 I am going to write down a number and give you a minute to get used to the idea. 10 I am not leaving this room until I get everything on my list. I have all night.
1 You are looking through the binoculars and the deer 🦌 is behind you shaking his head. 2 You hear a branch rustle and your trigger happy finger shoots until the bullets are gone. 3 You drink too much in your tree stand then fall asleep and fall out of the tree. 4 You see a buck through your scope and your cell phone starts ringing. You forgot to turn off sound and the buck is laughing as he runs away. 5 You can’t shoot to save your life. The deer have nothing to worry about. 6 You didn’t watch the weather and get caught in your tree during a storm. 7 You packed too much gear and have to hike 2 miles. Ouch. 8 Getting lost on your cell phone when bored and missing opportunities. 9 Getting lost in the woods and not being able to find your way back. 10 Placing your tree stand in the wrong place only to have full sun in your face.
1 You left the toilet seat up one too many times. She is tired of going for a swim. 2 He is an emotional train wreck. How can he be there for you when he can’t take care of himself. 3 His momma calls the shots. Dealbreaker!! No one invited you into the relationship. 4 His car is an embarrassment. You don’t want your friends to see you driving in it so you go in disguise any time you are riding shotgun. 5 They don’t want to stray outside of their hometown. No way, this girl is made to travel. 6 He is a cheapskate and never offers to pay. You better learn how to open up that wallet. 7 He is way too jealous and insecure. You can’t step out of the house without him thinking you are flirting with someone. Get a clue! 8 You feel like you are babysitting a child instead of dating a man. He acts out when he doesn’t get his way. Yea that doesn’t work on me. 9 It’s his way or the highway. No one taught him the art of compromise. Cya wouldn’t wanna be ya. 10 He tries to control you. Nope. I’m not your puppet. Bonus: He lies, lies, lies. Hey Pinnochio, you aren’t fooling anyone.
KC Avalon’s Funny Top Ten Blog- Cultural differences between north and south u.s.
1 The north moves like they are on speed. The south is slow so you might get your breakfast tomorrow morning. 2 You can leave your house doors unlocked in the south. Up north, either all of your stuff will be gone or another family moved in while you were gone. 3 Everyone is friendly in the south. Up north, people are skeptical and rushed. Go away. 4 Down south people open doors for you and very polite. Up north, you better do your part or the door will smack you in the face. 5 Northerners retire in the south but southerners will never retire north. No vacation about it! 6 Southerners take pride in stocking their personal bar at home. Northerners go to bars or pubs to drink. 7 The North loves football and the south loves NASCAR 8 You steal from someone in the north and the police will come. In the south, the owner will chase you down with a shotgun. 9 Up north there is a lot of traffic. Down south, you can drive on a country road and not see anyone for miles. 10 Down south they make dinner. Up north we make reservations.