1 Save that instrument in case we need to do an autopsy. 2 Accept this sacrifice great lord of darkness. 3 Spot! Put that down! Bad dog!! 4 Hand me that thing a ma bob over there. 5 Fire!! Evacuate the premises immediately! 6 Well folks, we all learn from our mistakes. Better luck next time. 7 Honey, what do you mean you want a DIVORCE!! 8 Damn, I am having trouble focusing today. 9 Oh no! Where are my instructions? I forget what comes next. 10 Just hand me the instrument. You don’t need to sterilize it. The three-second rule applies here.
Dealing with salespeople (I wouldn’t want their job and I do empathize):
1 They promise not to hover, but every time you turn around, there they are! 2 They ring the doorbell while you are making dinner. You try to ignore it but they refuse to go away. 3 You tell them your bottom line and you are still required to go through all of the haggling before reaching the bottom line. 4 You don’t believe in warranties. You politely say no when offered but this particular person won’t take no for an answer. They let you know you will be up a creek without a paddle when something goes wrong. Thanks, I’ll be taking those odds. 5 You agree to buy a car and then they try to throw in all of the extras and have the nerve to charge you for every little thing. What do you mean, the steering wheel is extra? 6 When you listen to all of the jibber-jabber and decide the product is not for you, the person keeps trying different angles. Yeah, it’s still a no! 7 When going door to door selling solar panels, they let you know that Joe Blow down the street is interested in their product. Great! Tell them to pay for mine while they are at it. 8 This guy talks so much that you can’t even get a word in. Okay, I’m just going to close the door and let you talk to yourself. 9 They tell you, “It’s your loss.” Can you get your boss on the phone? I want to return the favor so that when you lose your job, it can be your loss. 10 Stop following me and telling me about every product that I put my finger on. One more word and I am going to start throwing things!
1 You fall asleep and everyone is staring at you like you are crazy when you finally open your eyes. 2 You are so late to the surprise party that the guests think you are the guest of honor. They yell surprise and then the real guest of honor shows up. What a mess! 3 You are talking about depressing topics such as every ailment that you are experiencing instead of having fun. Everyone is trying to get away from you. 4 You are the first one to leave and you didn’t stay long enough to even say you went to a party. Stay home next time. 5 You were assigned one of the main dishes and forgot all about it. Now everyone has to starve. 6 You brought kids to an adult party. Tsk tsk. 7 You keep telling jokes that aren’t funny and annoying everyone around you. 8 You get sloppy drunk and are standing nose to nose with people when talking. Yo buddy, go drink some mouthwash. 9 You monopolize the conversation and drone on and on which wouldn’t be a problem if you were interesting. 10 You keep trying to interrupt people who are in deep conversation and you are clearly unwanted. Take a hint and go far far away. Bye!
1 When your GYN is examining you and holding a full conversation at the same time. 2 When your GYN keeps telling you to scootch down, and you are afraid you are going to land on his nose. 3 When you go for a mammogram and they tell you to hold your breath. “Lady, I can’t even breathe.” 4 When your breasts are smaller and the technician keeps playing with them like silly putty to get them on the tray. 5 When they tell you to push when you are in labor, and you have no idea what you are doing. You fart instead. 6 When you have to drink 32 ounces of water 1 hour before your ultrasound test. You feel like you are drowning while trying to drink that much, and then you have to pee so bad. Sometimes they tell you to go to the restroom and let a little out. Hard to do when you are about to bust. There is no stopping a flood. 7 When your GYN enters your back door. “Whoa there buddy. That door is off limits.” 8 When your GYN does a breast exam, and it feels like he is kneading pizza dough. Make it stop! 9 When you are told to undress and put a paper gown on. You get undressed in less than a minute so that you don’t get caught naked. There was no need to rush, because you sit there cold and waiting for the doctor for a long time. 10 When you go to the ER as a teenager for pain that you think is appendicitis, only to find out that it is just ovulation. (true story by the way) Ummm, what is my ovary the size of a watermelon!!
1 He lies about his salary to impress her. He says he makes 3 figures a week. Well, $400 is 3 figures. 2 She tells him he is so funny even though she really doesn’t get his jokes at all. She lets out a fake laugh that is so loud because she really wants to cry. 3 He says he has a place of his own but neglects to say he has 3 other roommates. His room is his own. 4 She says she is fine splitting the check when he asks. Honey, you will never see her again. You can’t open that wallet for a first date? C’ya. 5 He makes his last breakup seem mutual and embellishes a bit so that you don’t think any less of him. He is looking to impress you instead of telling you his stalking habits after the breakup. 6 She doesn’t tell you about her child, because it’s a little detail that she can surprise you with some other time. 7 He tells you how busy he is all the time because you wouldn’t ask for a second date if you knew that he was a couch potato who preferred to stay home. 8 She says that she runs when he asks about working out. Truth is, she runs around, but not to the gym. 9 He says he loves romantic comedies because he knows you will think he is awesome. Hopefully, you will forget if the relationship lasts. 10 She says she isn’t much of a drinker but that tonight is a special occasion. She can really knock them back because she is a boozehound.
1 You try to be mindful when going out to dinner. You order the special, which ends up being the most expensive thing on the menu. Ripoff! 2 You get some extra cash but the house finds out about it and wants it’s fair share. 3 You keep telling Alexa to order things for you. They are inexpensive but add up quicker than you can count the money. 4 Your cable company charges so much that you need to take out a mortgage to pay for it. 5 You buy your coffee every day. It’s not a magic trick. You can make your own just as good. 6 Your car guy is aware that you don’t know diddly squat about cars. He talks you into a whole bunch of extra maintenance that you don’t need. 7 You are on vacation, therefore you are entitled to anything you want. You do know that you are getting billed for all of those luxuries later? 8 You get a cleaning service and clean up before they come. Why? 9 You pay for bottled water 💧 that comes from questionable water sources. You are better off taking your chance with spigot water. 10 You pay for warranties that you will never use or never cover what breaks. Let it ride. That way you don’t have to hear, “Your warranty doesn’t cover that. It would have been covered under the premium warranty.” Too bad sucker.
1 He shows up on a bike, and it’s not a motorcycle. 2 She drinks too much and throws up on you when you make a move. 3 He shows up with a reinforcement. Umm no, three is a crowd. 4 She forgets your name and attempts to remember by using the wrong one. 5 He gets out a calculator to figure out who pays for what. 6 She talks negatively about her ex the whole time. It seems like she doesn’t even like men. 7 He brings you back to his place, except it isn’t his place. His room is in the basement of his mom’s house, and he is thirty. 8 She doesn’t make eye contact with you the entire night. However, she flirts with the waiter and doesn’t hide the fact that he left his number on the bill. 9 He tells you to dress nicely. You wear a cute red dress, and he shows up in a Grateful Dead shirt and jeans. 10 She tells you she is looking for a serious relationship and wants to have a baby within the next year. Run!!
1 I am sure the money you make is way more than your hospital bill, but to me, it is not worth it. 2 Hold the entrance song! I think I need to go get sick. Oh yea, definitely sick. I may be a while. I may walk out the back door instead. 3 I have to agree that coming walking in to a good song with people cheering for you is super cool, but that’s about it. 4 Excuse me. This isn’t a girl. She is built like a man and is tatted up like a prisoner. 5 Hey, I am stuck in here. Where’s the door? The walls are a chain-link fence. It feels claustrophobic. 6 Oh God, it smells like sweat and blood in here. Gross. Did someone wipe this down with bleach? 7 Hey, put some socks on! Did you cut your toenails? Gross! Get your feet away from me. 8 Oh no! You have me in a chokehold! Your pits stink. 9 Is my nose supposed to be on the side of my face? 10 Thank God it’s over. I lost but I didn’t die. Give me a mirror. Who the heck is that? I look deformed. Where is my eye? Call a plastic surgeon.
1 You never get to finish a show because he keeps channel surfing every commercial. Maybe he thinks he will gain more knowledge the more shows he watches. 2 He shouldn’t have too much luxury since we were the remote controls when we were kids. Our parents just yelled out the channel they wanted us to turn on. 3 He keeps rewinding sports when he doesn’t agree with the referee. He proves his point by watching it over and over. 4 Who made him the king of the remote? He might not play video games, but his thumbs twitch when he sees a remote. It makes him powerful. 5 He loves slow motion and every good sports play has to be watched again and then in slo mo. 6 Give him a recliner and a remote and he is a man possessed. He forgets there is anyone else in the room. 7 You have to negotiate to get the remote away from him. His fingers have to be pried off. 8 He gets a feeling of accomplishment watching the dvr and zapping all of the commercials. He is like a superhero saving all kinds of time. 9 With the voice app he gets to boss around the remote just like poor Alexa. 10 He flies into a panic when he can’t find his remote. It’s like telling him that someone drank all of his beer.
1 Falling asleep because you cuddle with them and are instantly knocked out. 2 When we pass gas that turns deadly, it’s always the dog’s fault. People will forgive the dog. 3 Having to cut visits short because we have to let the dog out. 4 Tripping over the dog and you were the one not watching where you were going. 5 Waking us up when we are sound asleep with loud barking. We don’t care who comes in the house. Let us sleep. 6 Spending all of our money on the dogs. Sure there are vet bills and food but they don’t tell you to buy them bones, treats, toys, outfits, beds and gadgets. That’s all on you. 7 Having an accident in the house when we were the ones who lost track of time. It’s not like the dog can open the door. 8 Making us late to work because we feel bad leaving them and five more minutes turns into fifteen. 9 Eating our shoes or something we love when we are the ones who left it out like a free invitation. 10 Having sore muscles when you wake up because you had to maneuver your body in weird positions in bed so you didn’t have to disturb the dog.
1 You drove and are unfamiliar with the area. You worry about finding your way home the entire time. 2 Instead of putting your phone away, you bring it with you and the kids keep interrupting your fun. 3 You are having the best time ever and then remember a deadline. Your mind has left the moment. 4 You plan so far ahead that your mind is already thinking about next weekend instead of enjoying this weekend. 5 You are too busy capturing the moment instead of taking in the moment. It’s time to leave but you want to stay because you only saw it thru a camera lens. 6 We only live for the weekends by wishing away the other five days. 7 When your vacation only has a few days left you worry about going home instead of savoring the last few. 8 You are too busy daydreaming and are in lala land. 9 Your mind is all over the place and won’t slow down long enough to smell the roses. 10 You ran out of moolah and have to watch everyone else having fun. You are on the outside looking in.
1 You talk in a soft sex kitten voice and he yells ,”Why are you whispering? For God’s sake, Speak up!.” 2 You go into the bathroom to slip into something comfortable. When you come out, someone is passed out and sawing wood. 3 You splash 💦 on a little perfume, and your hubby has a full blown asthma attack. There goes the mood. 4 You put on a new outfit and he asks, “What the hell are you wearing?” 😡 Well you won’t be seeing me wear nothing! 5 You try to get his attention by dancing and he says, “I hope you are doing that for the dogs 🐶.” 6 Meeting your husband at the door in your birthday suit, except it isn’t him. My apologies. 7 You send your husband a text message telling him what you are going to do to him when he gets home. Problem is his boss was in the car too when siri reads the message out loud. Awkward. 8 You decide to use handcuffs and can’t find the key afterwards. His parents will be there in an hour for the weekend. This one will be hard to explain. 9 You forgot to close the windows. Now the whole neighborhood knows what you did. 10 You try to use the bedpost as a strippers pole. It’s not THAT sturdy. Timber! You have to pick yourself up off the floor.
Things that spoil a nice shower: 1 Someone flushes the toilet in the house after you clearly announced that you were taking a shower. You lost a layer of skin. Two can play that game my friend. 2 One of the kids wakes up and comes looking for you. “Mommy are you in here?” You are trying to hide in the shower hoping they will go away. 3 Your significant other bursts into your cone of silence to do a number two. The toilet is right next to the shower. You almost smash the glass trying to evacuate the area as quickly as possible. 4 You forgot a towel and you are going to freeze 🥶 trying to get out. You extend your shower as long as possible and then have to man up and get out. 1,2 wait wait 1,2, 2.5, 2.75,3!!! Go Go Go 5 You are having a nice relaxing shower and someone keeps knocking on the door telling you to hurry up because they need a shower 🚿. 6 You shave your leg and knick yourself. You look down and the pool of water looks like a murder scene. My leg 🦵! 7 Your contact falls out and your vision is blurry. You are crawling on all fours to find it before it washes down the drain. 8 You get shampoo in your eye and it feels like your eyeball is floating in hot sauce. You try to flush it with water but don’t like anything in your eye, so you have to pry it open. 9 The soap bar slides off the holder and nails you on the big toe. Yowww! 10 The soap makes the shower floor so slippery you are suddenly ice 🧊 skating.
1 There is no one to talk to, so you need to talk out loud to yourself or to the pets. 2 You are distracted away from your work too easily and find yourself watching tv and doing chores. 3 You don’t have a home office so your couch is your new desk. 4 Your wifi is trash so instead of working 9 to 5, you work until bedtime. 5 Your kid is home sick and you have no sitter. The workday is a nightmare with the constant interruptions. 6 You miss face to face collaboration so much that you run outside to bounce ideas off of the mailman or anyone on the street who will listen. 7 Pajamas are your new work uniform since there is no need to get dressed anymore.
Your coworkers think you are fooling around instead of working. They assume you get up at noon, run errands, then work a couple hours. 9 Everyone is home because of the pandemic. Your first job is to homeschool the kids. Your work from home happens before they wake up and after they go to sleep. You are a walking zombie. 10 Your dog doesn’t understand the whole work at home concept. If you are home then they want to go outside and play. If that isn’t enough they want to sit with you all day too. Your new personal assistant doesn’t work.
1 Your dog thinks you are playing when doing floor exercises and joins in on the fun. 2 Your family doesn’t want to leave you alone and thinks you should multitask while exercising 3 There is no separate workout space and you don’t have a large enough area. You extend your leg and there goes a lamp. 4 You get carried away by trying to do a double workout and can’t move for a few days. You never go back to your workout. 5 You don’t drink enough water when exercising and slurp soda or ice tea instead. 6 Doing as many reps or more than the person on tv to prove you are in great shape or better than them. 7 Pushing your body because you need to punish it for eating too much. 8 Walking away because you hate a certain exercise and can’t do it. Not doing it!! 9 Checking your phone while exercising and focusing on the wrong thing. 10 You jog in the house and get hurt running into furniture because you were too busy watching tv.
1 You get on the ferris wheel and it stops at the top FOREVER! The person in your car thinks its funny to rock it. Why you little 👊🏼! 2 Your appointment in the City is on the 52nd floor. The thought gives you the heebie jeebies. 3 There is traffic on the bridge and you can feel it swaying. C’mon find the gas pedal people. 4 You have to cross a rope bridge at the adventure park and your heart ❤️ is in your mouth. Everyone else runs across and you are walking as if you are on a tightrope. 5 You are on a rooftop and afraid to go anywhere near the edge. Something may throw you off. 👻 6 You climb a ladder and make the mistake of looking down. You get weak in the knees and your tummy does flips. 7 You are in the first car of a roller coaster. When you get to the top and start dropping, you are sure you are plummeting to your death. 8 Taking the elevator on the cruise ship and it is glass, so you can see how high you are traveling. 9 Taking a chair lift for skiing and then having to jump off while it is moving. I didn’t sign up for this stunt. 10 Taking the train to the City and it crosses the bridge on the outside rail. Yikes! Everyone sit on the left. Quick!
1 You tell on yourself five seconds into the lie. You just can’t do it. 2 Your poker face is so bad that everyone folds when you have a good hand. How are you supposed to make any money? 3 Your voice goes high at the part where you are lying. Sounds like you sucked on some helium. 4 You can’t make eye contact with the person you are lying to. Instead you look up at the sky as if you are begging God for forgiveness. 5 You are so nervous you take a drink but it’s like truth serum. There’s no way you can lie now. 6 You are sweating profusely because lying makes you uncomfortable. You are saved only because the person you are talking to thinks you are sick and allows you to excuse yourself. 7 You are stumbling over your words and can’t stop stuttering. It is very obvious that you are lying. 8 Your hands won’t stay still and are swinging all over the place. 9 You told the lie but didn’t count on questions being asked. Help!! Somebody. Anybody? 10 You are talking so fast to get it over with but the person didn’t understand a word that came out of your trap. Quick. Run away!
1 Going out without checking the weather. The sky gets dark and a storm moves in. Looks like you might be meeting the grim reaper. 2 Stepping from the dock to the boat without securing the line. Oh boy you are going to have to make a split decision 😂 Take a swim or pull a groin. 3 Coming in hot while docking the boat. Excuse me you do realize that you have no brakes. 4 Backing up too far at the boat ramp and not putting the parking brake on. Your truck is now underwater and lucky you, bystanders are documenting the event on their cell phones. 5 Standing up on the boat when you should be sitting. Don’t be surprised if your turn into a pinball bouncing off the bumpers. That’s gonna leave a bruise. 6 Navigating on the wrong side of the buoys. This will guarantee you a trip to the bar. The sand bar. 7 Flying through another boat’s wake like you are jumping a ramp. You may want to count your passengers when you land 8 Taking your pontoon into the rough ocean trying to hang with the big boys. You might be hanging off the side of you boat once the waves start boarding. 9 Forgetting to put your drain plug in and wondering where all of the water is coming from. Grab a bucket and start baling. 10 Running out of gas ⛽️. Start swimming 🏊 Bet you won’t make that mistake again.
1 Splitting tens in blackjack or hitting when you shouldn’t be, which is like stealing someone else’s cards. 2 Hitting the ATM machine like it is free money. Don’t do it. You will regret it in the morning. 3 Taking free drinks and not tipping or not tipping the dealer when you are winning. Cheapskate! 4 Reaching in for your chips before the dealer pays everyone. You wanna get slapped? 5 Running out after winning a big pot in poker ♠️. Someone is going to catch a beating. 6 Texting on your phone when playing at a table. Hello? Someone’s momma didn’t teach them any manners. 7 Spilling your drink 🍹 at the table resulting in it closing. Happy now? You killed the mood and look like a donkey. 8 Expecting to win. You will go home crying if you plan to win. You should plan on how much you are willing to lose. 9 Socializing at the table instead of concentrating on what you should be doing. This is real money you are playing with. 10 Hogging up slot machines and telling people you are playing all of them. Mine! Someone never learned to share.
Signs you drank too much: 1 Telling everyone, including strangers, how much you love them because you need them to know. 2 Waking up in a strange bed and not knowing if it was voluntary or if you were kidnapped. 3 Dancing as if you are a pro but the crowd staring back at you has a different opinion 4 Becoming super confident and start picking fights with people for the fun of it 5 Becoming very opinionated and feel the need to share your thoughts with anyone who makes eye contact with you. 6 Talking and laughing super loud, because drinking somehow made you hard of hearing. 7 Do anything to prove you’re not drunk because you want to drive home 8 Tripping over things, but it is never your fault. Someone is trying to mess with you. 9 Blacking out with no recollection of your night. You may be surprised when your friends are mad at you but you can’t remember a thing. 10 Have no recollection of calling your exes to tell them everything that ever annoyed you about them after they shut down your hook up attempt Bonus – Sending random texts on impulse and saying whatever you want. Sounded brilliant at the time.
1 Something is on sale, but you can’t find it. They should give out treasure maps at the door. 2 The one-way arrows. If you don’t look down at the floor, you don’t even realize they are there. Plus, it is one more reason for people to give you dirty looks. 3 The cashier turns her light off just as you walk up and tells you that she is closed. I seriously want to throw my groceries at her. 4 The aisles are too narrow . There is always one person who parks their cart in the center of the aisle as if they are the only ones in the store. 5 You regret wearing shorts when you step into the cold and freezer aisles. You need special winter gear just to walk down those aisles. Burrrr 6 I keep waiting for the cashier to say, “This trip is free. Congratulations!” 7 Getting the faulty cart really ruins the trip. The wheel just won’t go the right way, and the store is packed. You are stuck with the cart. You either have to move diagonally or backward. Forward is not an option. As if shopping isn’t frustrating enough. 8 The person in front of you debates prices with the cashier on multiple items. This isn’t Let’s Make A Deal. Get your stuff and get out! 9 They ask if I found everything. Smart ass! I sure did. Plus I spent another $100 on a bunch of things that weren’t even on my list. 10 I get my groceries home and some of them say things that they didn’t say in the store. Fat-free, sugar-free, etc. There are extra words on the labels that weren’t there at the store.
1 When you only want to order one drink and want to hog the barstool for hours. A barstool is real estate and should be earning money. If you can’t pay up, get off. 2 The bar is slammed and you order a complicated drink. That shows your true colors, and you won’t be making friends. 3 They are not your personal therapist and do not want to hear all about your problems. They are there to make money, not to be bored to death. 4 Holding your cash up in the air to get their attention. Wait your turn showoff. 5 Sending your drink back to make it stronger. That is what you call a double. You get what you pay for. Nothing else is free. 6 Calling them over for an order then making them wait while you ask your friends what they want. Hey, you can’t hold the bartender hostage while you take your good ole time. Do you see everyone else waiting? 7 Stop making a mess of the bar. There is no need to tear off beer labels to keep your hands busy. Put them suckers in your pockets. 8 If you get flagged, don’t fight it. No need to be a know it all. If you knew so much, you wouldn’t be drunk. 9 If you are the only patron left, finish your drink and leave. Your bartender has a life to get back to, instead of waiting for one person to decide when they are good and ready to leave. 10 Grabbing their ass. First of all, what gives you the right? Secondly, they are only being nice to you for a tip. You have no chance.
1 The gas light comes on when you are already late to work, so you are forced to take your chances. 2 Low tire pressure warning always comes on when it is cold or rainy. I am not getting out of this car! 3 Steering assist is hard to use, because it is impossible to trust a car to play chicken with your life. 4 Your brakes give out, and you have to put your foot thru the floor board to stop 🛑. 5 Your battery is dead. You forgot to shut your lights off last night. The only thing your car has to say is click, click, click. 6 Your wipers are bad, and there is a monsoon while you are driving. You feel like you are underwater and can’t see a darn thing. 7 A rock cracks your windshield, and you see it travel slow motion all the way across. You don’t have $1 to your name. 8 Your power window gets stuck, and it is the middle of winter. Now you have to shiver 🥶 until it is fixed. 9 Your car starts smoking, and you evacuate and run for cover. Stop, drop, and roll baby. You wait a decent amount of time, but the car never blows up. 10 Your power steering goes, and it takes every muscle in your body to make a turn. You decide to go straight until it is repaired.
When you are asked for salary expectations on an interview:
1 You pay people to do this!! I was just trying to find something to do! 2 How much do you make? Pay me a little less than that since you have been here longer. 3 I know my last job didn’t pay so much, but I was young and dumb. I refuse to be taken advantage of again. 4 I can do the work of three people so buckle up and get ready for my magic number. 5 What do you think I am worth? Think about your answer, because you don’t want to piss me off. 6 Similar positions pay $40,000 so I will take $50,000, since I am above average. 7 I will cut you a break. Give me the amount you have in mind plus a $5,000 signing bonus and a company car. 8 I want three figures and I know you have it. Don’t even try to come up with excuses. This is a multi-million dollar company. 9 I am going to write down a number and give you a minute to get used to the idea. 10 I am not leaving this room until I get everything on my list. I have all night.
1 You are looking through the binoculars and the deer 🦌 is behind you shaking his head. 2 You hear a branch rustle and your trigger happy finger shoots until the bullets are gone. 3 You drink too much in your tree stand then fall asleep and fall out of the tree. 4 You see a buck through your scope and your cell phone starts ringing. You forgot to turn off sound and the buck is laughing as he runs away. 5 You can’t shoot to save your life. The deer have nothing to worry about. 6 You didn’t watch the weather and get caught in your tree during a storm. 7 You packed too much gear and have to hike 2 miles. Ouch. 8 Getting lost on your cell phone when bored and missing opportunities. 9 Getting lost in the woods and not being able to find your way back. 10 Placing your tree stand in the wrong place only to have full sun in your face.
1 You left the toilet seat up one too many times. She is tired of going for a swim. 2 He is an emotional train wreck. How can he be there for you when he can’t take care of himself. 3 His momma calls the shots. Dealbreaker!! No one invited you into the relationship. 4 His car is an embarrassment. You don’t want your friends to see you driving in it so you go in disguise any time you are riding shotgun. 5 They don’t want to stray outside of their hometown. No way, this girl is made to travel. 6 He is a cheapskate and never offers to pay. You better learn how to open up that wallet. 7 He is way too jealous and insecure. You can’t step out of the house without him thinking you are flirting with someone. Get a clue! 8 You feel like you are babysitting a child instead of dating a man. He acts out when he doesn’t get his way. Yea that doesn’t work on me. 9 It’s his way or the highway. No one taught him the art of compromise. Cya wouldn’t wanna be ya. 10 He tries to control you. Nope. I’m not your puppet. Bonus: He lies, lies, lies. Hey Pinnochio, you aren’t fooling anyone.
KC Avalon’s Funny Top Ten Blog- Cultural differences between north and south u.s.
1 The north moves like they are on speed. The south is slow so you might get your breakfast tomorrow morning. 2 You can leave your house doors unlocked in the south. Up north, either all of your stuff will be gone or another family moved in while you were gone. 3 Everyone is friendly in the south. Up north, people are skeptical and rushed. Go away. 4 Down south people open doors for you and very polite. Up north, you better do your part or the door will smack you in the face. 5 Northerners retire in the south but southerners will never retire north. No vacation about it! 6 Southerners take pride in stocking their personal bar at home. Northerners go to bars or pubs to drink. 7 The North loves football and the south loves NASCAR 8 You steal from someone in the north and the police will come. In the south, the owner will chase you down with a shotgun. 9 Up north there is a lot of traffic. Down south, you can drive on a country road and not see anyone for miles. 10 Down south they make dinner. Up north we make reservations.
1 Some kid presses all of the buttons and you have twenty floors to go. 2 While descending, the elevator jerks and you imagine the cables are going to give out and send you to an early death. 3 A creeper gets on and you wonder if you will make it to the lobby. 4 You sing 🎤 like you are giving a concert and the door opens before you are ready. 5 It is packed but people still insist on trying to get on rather than wait for an empty car. Hopefully, when the doors close, it clips their nose. 6 It is so hot 🥵 in there, it feels like a sauna. You are stripped down to your underwear when the doors open. 7 There is a bug who decided to take a ride. It isn’t little, and you are in a panic. You are screaming when the doors open and people are looking at you as if you are a nut. 8 The elevator gets stuck and all of a sudden you have to pee, are hungry and have no phone service. You are cut off from civilization. 9 Someone says or does something funny and you burst out laughing 😂. You need to get out of there because the person doesn’t appreciate your reaction. 10 People are making out and make you feel uncomfortable. You look 👀 like the stalker 👄.
When you see someone in public and don’t recall their name:
1 Hey, what’s up man? Long time no see. How have you been? 2 Let me get your number. Here just type it in my phone. I hope you don’t mind. I forgot my glasses. 3 People always mess up my name. How do you spell yours? Won’t you just curl up and die if they spell J O E. Hehe. 4 Introduce your spouse and hope to god the person introduces themself since you don’t have a clue. 5 What’s your full name including your middle name? Mine is so long. I was just curious. (Plus I have some sort of amnesia. You don’t even look familiar!) 6 So where are you living now? What street? (Pretend that you are looking at a map while frantically typing it in Google to see who you are speaking to.) 7 You look great! What have you been up to? (I’m going to ask 20 questions until I guess your name. Hope you are ready to be quizzed.) 8 Are you on facebook? Let me see some pictures of your family. (Do you mind if I hold your phone so I can see up close? Quick scroll up to see whose account it is.) 9 Ask if they have any kids that go to school with yours. If they do, you can text your kid to find out the scoop. 10 If all else fails, follow them home and look in their mailbox for a piece of mail because it is driving you crazy. You may get arrested but at least you will know their name and can sleep at night.
1 On vacation – You want 7 out of 7 days full of sunshine. 2 Hair – When rain is in the forecast you can either count on frizz or curly mustache bangs. 3 When you get out of your car only to step in a puddle that is more like a lake. Now your feet are cold and wet and you are cranky. 4 Camping – Camping in the rain is so messy. Mud is everywhere and if you touch a spot inside your tent, you now have water there. 5 When you need new wiper blades. You can’t see a darn thing when the blades are bad. 6 When you are having a gathering at your house and it is too small too accommodate everyone. You were really counting on them being outside. 7 When your parking lot at work turns into a lake during a downpour and your office floods as a result. You become a pirate swabbing the deck. 8 Driving to an unfamiliar location. Rain makes it even harder to see where you are going. 9 When you don’t have an umbrella. Now you look like a drowned rat. 10 On your wedding day. You spent too much money and look way too fabulous for rain. If it’s a sign of bad things to come, turn the limo around and head to the airport .
1 “I think I deserve a raise. Would you be willing to give me one?” 2 “Are you doing anything Saturday night? Oh good, would you mind babysitting for me? 3 “ I don’t have anywhere to stay right now. Would it be okay if I crash at your place for a while?” 4 “Do you have $20 I can have? I need to get gas on the way home.” 5 “I love those shoes! I have a wedding to go to next weekend. Can I borrow them?” 6 Asking someone to come up and say a few words about the deceased at a funeral. Now there are 2 people that died! 7 “How much do you weigh? About a buck fifty?” 8 “Are you a real blonde? Does the carpet match the drapes?” 9 “My friend here is single and so are you. Go out with him Saturday. You have nothing to lose. 10 “I have to sell these last ten raffle tickets. I can count on you to buy one right? Or maybe all of them?
1 You ignore the dry cleaning label on your shirt and throw it in the wash. It shrunk so bad only Barbie can wear it. 2 You overload the washer and it starts jumping around. It sounds like the washer and dryer are in a fistfight. 3 When ironing you end up with more wrinkles than you started with. You turn up the heat but your shirt is permanently attached to the iron. 4 You do the wash but forget about it til the next day when you smell something nasty. That’s when you realize the clothes never made it out of the washer. 5 You didn’t see the red sock that snuck into your load of whites. Now you have a load of pinks. Your boys are not amused. 6 Trusting your kid to do laundry and he puts too much detergent in. When you come home you can’t find the laundry room because it looks like a bubble bath. 7 Leaving a pen in a pants pocket. When it gets to the dryer it explodes and ink is everywhere. 8 Someone forgot to take tissues out of their pocket. Now there are pieces of tissue everywhere. 9 When you are working on multiple loads of laundry and accidentally put the clean clothes in the wash instead of the dirty ones. 🤦🏻♀️ 10 When you forget the dryer sheet and there is static everywhere.
1 People’s faces around you look like they sucked on a lemon 🍋. Do I sense some jealousy? 2 Dogs 🐶 start howling. Isn’t that cute? They are trying to impersonate me! 3 Tone deaf people try to sing 🎤 along and ruin the whole thing. 4 Your friend joins in for a duet but is overpowering your voice. Before long you are both screaming to gain control of the song. It’s a disaster. 5 You forget that there is a high note and give it everything you got. You are digging deep and eyebrows raise as every glass breaks in the house. 6 You think the crowd is clapping 👏🏻 because you are sensational. In reality, they are relieved that you are done. 7 Everyone scatters to save their ears from your horrific voice. 8 It sounds more like a seance than a performance. Dead bodies are rising out of the cemetery. 9 People start throwing things at you to help you get a hint not to quit your day job. 10 You think you have the voice of an angel but it’s more like a donkey giving birth.
1 You ruin the whole effect because you have to come back in for your keys or your bag. 2 You want to slam the door hard so that the whole house shakes but the door doesn’t slam. 3 You get your shirt or coat stuck in the door as you exit and it’s as bad as someone giving you a wedgie. Embarrassing. Dork stuck in a door. 4 You trip on your way out and the person laughs at you instead of being scared. 5 You leave the person with one last comment as you exit and they yell What? 6 The door you attempt to exit is actually a closet or a bathroom. It’s hard to say you meant to do that when it’s obvious that you didn’t. 7 You try to speed away but have the car in reverse instead of drive. 8 You pull the door open but it sticks. After putting some muscle into it, the door flys open and smacks you. Now you look like the fool. 9 The dog steals your thunder by running out ahead of you and then you are left chasing the dog. 10 Someone walks into the room before you get to cause a scene and starts talking because they are clueless about what is going on around them.
1 Table for one? (Does it look like anyone is with me or do you want to fix me up with someone?) 2 When is your baby due? (He was born ten years ago. Thanks for asking!) 3 Who is the guy and who is the girl in your relationship? (I will just let the suspense kill you. You must be the idiot in your relationship!) 4 Are you feeling okay? (Just because I am having a bad hair day doesn’t mean something is wrong with me!) 5 Where did you come from? (Sorry? My mama. Or do you mean my nationality? I’m American and you must be from Uranus) 6 Why aren’t you married yet? (I’m not going to settle like you did. 🤣) 7 Why did you get married if you didn’t want kids? (Wow! Come a little closer so I can knock you out.) 8 Can you afford that? (I can afford to put your house in my basement. Anymore questions?) 9 Who invited you? (No one. I just showed up to annoy you.) 10 When are you going to get a real job? (FYI, this fake job pays mucho dinero💰)
1 You get in the car and realize you don’t have your keys. You can’t think straight so they become even more impossible to find. 2 Every traffic light on the way to work turns red just to make you a little later and angrier. 3 A sloth pulls out in front of you and is going the same way you are and you cannot get by them. 4 You have a quick stop to make and there is an outrageously long line. Are they giving something away?! 5 Your kid decides to take his good old time after you explain that you are in a hurry and need his cooperation. Oh I bet if I pulled out five bucks you would move! 6 You get pulled over and the officer takes his good old time. 7 You don’t realize your coffee lid isn’t on tight and spill it all over your clothes. You just finished getting ready. Back upstairs to start your morning over. 8 You miss the last express train of the morning. Now you have to take the local with all the stops. 9 You have one foot out the door and your stomach does a gurgle gurgle. Uh oh. Someone better get to the bathroom. 10 The school calls and tells you that your kid is sick. That just threw a monkey wrench into your day. Time to go back to the huddle and come up with a new game plan.
1 You get sent to find a tool you never even heard of then get yelled at for bringing back the wrong thing. Maybe you should have described it better. 2 You become the hold this and hold that person because he needs more than two hands. 3 You get sent across the street to borrow something. Why do you have to go? Now you look unprepared. 4 You are so excited to bang a few nails or cut some wood with the power saw only to find out you won’t be doing that because he doesn’t want you to get hurt when you are already dying of boredom. 5 You ask him questions so you can understand what’s going on and he tells you he doesn’t have time to get into all if that because he is trying to get done. 6 Instead of learning the job at hand you are getting drinks and making sandwiches. 7 What does picking up your trash and cleaning your mess have to do with this? 8 He screws up and blames it on you. I don’t think so. 9 You thought it was going to be fun but you keep getting yelled at. I quit!! Oh yea I’m not getting paid. 10 You try to walk away when you had enough and he holds you hostage because you live there for free and need to earn your place to sleep.
1 No one understands what you are saying because you sound like Mrs. Mumbles. 2 After you eat lunch it seems to go straight to your ears because the straps around your ears suddenly dig in and hurt. 3 It gives you claustrophobia and slowly cuts off your air supply. When you remove it for a few seconds, you try to hog up as much fresh air as possible. 4 Every time you sneeze 🤧 it feels like you have messy diaper face. 5 You are as good as blind with glasses and a mask. With every breath your glasses fog up. You have to carefully walk when the fog disappears. 6 Sometimes the mask is loose. It’s like pulling up pants on your face. 7 Banks won’t know when they are being robbed because everyone is a possible suspect. 8 Your nose twitches like a bunny rabbit under the mask because the fibers feel like hair tickling your nose. 9 If you are a mouth breather, you learn real quick to breathe through your nose because your breath is knocking you out. You never thought you had bad breath but it’s hard to deny when it’s blowing back at you. 10 You have to stop wearing makeup everywhere but your eyes otherwise it is all over the inside of your mask and looks disgusting.
1 St Peter: “Welcome to heaven. We are glad to have you here.” Me: “Holy shit! I friggin made it. Yesss!” St. Peter: “Did you just curse?” The floor opens and I free fall to hell. Noooo. 2 Me: “Psst. I will give you $1,000 if you let me in.” St Peter: Your money is no good here. You are hereby sentenced to hell for the afterlife. 3 Me: “Hey baby, you are looking sexy in that robe tonight.” St. Peter: “Inappropriate. You can go tempt Lucifer.” 4 Me: “You don’t keep track of every sin do you?” St. Peter: Rolls out a giant carpet documenting every sin committed. 5 St. Peter: “Well I don’t know if I can let you in with all of these violations.” Me: “I demand a call to my lawyer and a jury of peers that I hand pick myself.” 6 Me: “My tax money pays for this country club so you work for me.” St Peter: “Is that right? Why are you locked out then?” 7 St. Peter: “Move along. Nothing to see here. Hell is that way.” Me: “I call bullshit. Do you have a witness?” 8 St. Peter: “Let’s talk about your sins.” Me: No no-no. Let’s talk about your sins. 9 Me: Open this gate or so help me God! St. Peter: “Strike three you’re out.” 10 St Peter: “In 2015 you lied to your mother.” Me: It wasn’t me. You must have me confused with someone else.
1 Fasting before surgery or blood work. You may not ever eat breakfast but you are starving when you are told not to eat. Not having coffee is an even harder challenge. You aren’t truly awake until you have some. 2 Drinking a ton of water and not being able to go to the bathroom. You cannot think about anything other than how bad you have to pee. You are like a volcano about to blow. You have to go so bad it hurts. 3 Having to stay awake. All of a sudden you are exhausted and everyone is passed out around you. 4 Waiting for your turn in line. It’s as if time is standing still. Five minutes feels like an hour. You can only think about how much time you are wasting. 5 Standing when there are no seats. Everything hurts and you feel like you need to lie down. You have never felt so uncomfortable. 6 Not talking. When you can’t talk, you suddenly remember everything important you need to say. You are bursting at the seams. 7 When you have dental work done and they tell you to eat on the other side. It’s impossible! It’s not like there is some magic window you can close to keep the food on one side. 8 When you have a cast and can’t get it wet. You get invited to the beach and get sand in there. It rains like a monsoon and taking a shower is a challenge. Part of your body is hanging outside the shower door waiting for you to get done. 9 Waiting for the floor to dry before walking on it. Everything you need is somewhere else. The only way to get to it is by tippy-toeing across. 10 Going into an establishment with a Do Not Touch sign. I cannot do it! My fingers tingle to touch everything in sight just because I am not trusted. (Bonus – Don’t look 👀 – Too late. Had to do it. Totally peeked.
1 To make America look great again 2 To numb the pain of all their money spent. Boxes are stacked outside of the house every day. 3 It was on the house. Can’t pass up free. 4 There is always something to celebrate or drink to. 5 To forget how responsible they need to be all day. 6 The girls look better with every drink. 7 The band that stunk suddenly sounds like they are going to make it big. 8 This is the only meeting where they are allowed to drink alcohol. 9 They get to vent about the wife or partner that drives them bananas. 10 To watch sports without having to do chores.
1 Some stranger comes at you with a comb and is like the hairdresser from hell. Do I look like I ever wore my hair like that? 2 I can tell by looking at this awful picture that I was not in the least bit ready. You clearly wanted to call it a day because I look like I swallowed a hairball. 3 Oh wow, you placed the light so that it would highlight the big zit on my face. You must have thought my mother wanted to treasure the memory. 4 It’s your job to tell me that I have something in my teeth. I wasn’t trying to garnish the picture. 5 You obviously are not a professional. They must have hired you from the circus. You couldn’t take a good picture if your life depended on it. I bet this is the first time you held a camera. 6 You must make $1 an hour. I can tell by the quality of your work. You act like you are scanning items at the grocery store checkout. 7 You should be able to tell when you need to retake the picture. If my mother isn’t going to like it, she will track you down. 8 If I have a shocking look on my face like a horror movie, you better snap a few more. 9 I can assure you that you are not good enough to get it on the first try. You better have more than one to choose from. 10 It’s your job to make me laugh. I can’t laugh on cue. My face looks like I ate a lemon. Help me out, dude. I am stuck with this picture all year.
1 If you are in charge of cooking dinner, you should be able to cook what you want, right? Wrong! Everyone critiques it and gives their comments. Why can’t everyone just make their own? 2 Oh boy, it’s smoking. Wave the towel to get rid of the smoke. Oh no! 🔥 There goes the fire alarm. Open all of the windows and doors. 3 You forgot to spray the pan. The eggs are stuck. You may as well just eat out of the pan. 4 Were you supposed to put the pizza on a pan? You put it on the rack and cheese is dripping. The oven is smoking and sizzling. 5 You forgot to lower the heat for the burner. Your pasta roni boiled over. Lava! 6 Oh shoot, you thought the recipe said a tablespoon of salt. It was a teaspoon. You will be drinking water for days. 7 You don’t have baking powder. Oh well just use baking soda. Yikes!! 8 You set the timer for 8 hours instead of 8 minutes. 9 The stuffed shells should be done now. Oh dear, you forgot to put the oven on. But you remembered the timer! Hehehe. 10 You forgot about the oil heating up on the stove. Flames. Fire. OMG OMG (running around the kitchen. Maybe you should step away from the stove. Turn in your spatula. You are done.
1 Women give directions using landmarks. Go up 9 traffic lights and make a right by the Wawa and keep going until you see the International House of Pancakes. 2 Before GPS when someone gave me a series of directions, I did the first thing and then stopped to ask for directions again. Finding someone’s house was like a treasure hunt. 3 What direction am I? I don’t have a compass but the ocean is on my right. 4 I am having a full-blown argument with the woman on my GPS. She is trying to give me directions in the city and when she says turn right, I am already 3 blocks past that street. She is pissing me off. 5 If you grew up in the area and are giving directions you may say turn right at makeout point and left at one eye Joe’s house. The person blankly stares back at you. 6 You don’t know your north and south from your east and west and tell people to get on highways not knowing which direction. Head toward New York. 7 Someone tells me to keep going until I get to the roundabout. Why couldn’t you call it a circle? I never found it because I was looking for an amusement ride at a carnival. 8 We give directions using landmarks that are no longer there. We remember them but unfortunately, you will never find them. 9 We like to take you through the scenic route so that you enjoy your drive. 10 Sometimes we remember more details after you have already left. There is no way to get in touch with you to tell you that the right you were going to make should have been a left.
Why Do We Hate Mondays?: -We have to return to work and are locked in from 9 to 5 -We are coming off a great weekend and didn’t take the time to rest. We need to take another day to be refreshed. -Our 48 hours of freedom to do whatever we want is over -The deadlines we put off on Friday are back again on Monday with a vengeance -We have to get up when the alarm goes off which puts us in a cranky mood. -The next weekend is 5 long days away and the time goes buy surprisingly slow while our free time flies by. -We can’t come and go as we please. Eight hours is a real commitment. -We go to bed too late on Sunday night to make the weekend last a little longer and regret it in the morning. -We would rather socialize all day than work. There should be a built-in recess after lunch. -Monday can never live up to Saturday & Sunday so maybe we should skip it.
1 It tastes so delicious you just can’t stop. One more bite. 2 It would be rude if you didn’t try one of everything. You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. 3 So and so made this just for you. There is no choice. 4 Your mother slaved in the kitchen for hours. You can’t possibly be on a diet today! 5 You only get to eat this dish a couple of times a year. You can’t miss out. 6 You aren’t full yet so it must be okay to eat more. 7 You are absolutely enjoying yourself, and eating is part of your happiness. 8 Everyone else is eating, so why not? 9 You will make up for it after the weekend is over. 10 There is so much to eat that you have to go back for seconds to eat the things you liked so much again.
1 Do Not fall asleep when she is in pain. You are there to help, not relax. 2 Do Not pick up your phone to take work calls. Better yet, don’t take any calls. This is no time to be distracted. 3 Do Not complain. Nothing you could possibly be going through compares to what she is going through. Keep your cramped leg to yourself. You think you are uncomfortable? 4 Do Not worry about watching sports unless she wants to otherwise you are pressing your luck. 5 Do Not expect to have a long discussion when she is having labor pains. Keep it short and try not to get on her nerves. Now is not the time to talk about finances or anything negative. This is no time for preaching. 6 Do Not chew on the ice the nurse gave to your wife. It is not for you and that crunching will only get you knocked out. 7 When that baby comes out, don’t say anything other than how perfect it is. She doesn’t want to hear it has a cone head, it’s covered in goo, or put it back in. Not funny. 8 Do Not take any pictures of your wife unless she looks good and she approved it. 9 If you are at work when you get the call to meet her at the hospital, you better get there fast! There is no excuse that will work for being late. You knew about it for 9 months. 10 No matter how hungry you are, WAIT. Don’t pull out any type of food when she cannot eat.
1 Which arm do you prefer? Just pick an arm. They both feel the same. What does it matter? 2 Poke me one more time with that needle and it will be in the middle of your forehead! 3 Why do you need 10 vials of blood? I’m afraid I don’t have that much in my body. It would be nice to keep a little for myself. 4 Stop apologizing for missing the vein and find it already. Or maybe you need a vein finder GPS. 5 If you find the vein on the first try, I will leave you a tip. 6 You try to act brave by watching the needle go into your arm, but then you see the blood coming out, and the room gets a little fuzzy. 7 You look over at the cotton ball after leaving the lab and it’s soaked with blood. Oh my God, you are slowly dying! 8 The technician puts a bandaid on your arm that has so much glue on it that it rips all of your hair off when you try and remove it. 9 You leave the lab and run to get your morning cup of coffee and eat like you haven’t eaten in days. Don’t ever make me fast again! 10 You can’t believe that they have the nerve to ask for your credit card after sadistically drawing your blood. Really, buddy, taking my blood wasn’t payment enough?
Don’t Rush to be a Grownup: 1 You can mismatch your outfits when you are a kid and be cute. If you are an adult, people give you strange looks with a raised eyebrow or two. 2 You are encouraged to play as much as possible when you are a kid. When grownups try and play, people tell them to grow up and act their age. No fun!! 3 Everyone buys things for you when you are a kid. As soon as you are old enough to shave, your parents want you to start paying some bills. 4 It’s great to use your imagination when you are a kid. Try it as a grownup and you are accused of daydreaming. 5 You can be silly and carefree as a kid. If a grownup does it, they are accused of drinking or using drugs. 6 When you are a kid you can’t sleep because you are excited about something. As an adult, you can’t sleep because of stress. 7 You don’t have to make your own decisions as a kid. Everyone else makes things happen. You just have to show up. As an adult, you have hundreds of decisions a day to make. Frankly, it is tiring! 8 You can dream to be whatever you want as a kid. Nothing is impossible. As an adult, people are quick to tell you only two percent of the population actually make it and to be more realistic with your goals. 9 As a kid, you are encouraged to take a nap even though you really don’t want one. You would rather play. As an adult, you would love to take a nap but your boss keeps waking you up with an angry look on his face and hands on his hips. Make up your mind! 10 You are always put at the kid’s table when you are young. You wait for years to go to the grown-up table. You finally get there as an adult and all they talk about are medical issues and medicines. You take your plate and go back to the kid’s table.
I’m here for the party! Where’s it at? 1 What? No alcohol? This isn’t a party, it’s more like a retreat. What do you mean it’s a kids party? 2 No meat! Vegetarian food? Who has a barbecue without burgers? Your neighbor has a cow. I’m going to need to borrow that gun. I will be right back. Warm up the grill. 3 You never said I had to dress up. The invite said black tie affair? Yea I thought that was the name of the caterers. 4 No music? This isn’t a party! You can’t possibly expect me to talk to these people all night. Move over. I’m gonna be the DJ. 5 So nice to meet you. Did you catch that football game the other night? You don’t like sports? Nice talking to you. 6 So when is everyone else getting here? There was only 2 other couples coming and they cancelled? That’s not a party. You tricked me! 7 Everyone is on their phone and no one is socializing. What do I have to text these people to get them to talk? 8 You are making me take off my shoes before I come In? I can tell this is going to be lame, so I am just going to take myself and my shoes back to my car. Cya later. 9 Everyone is laying around watching TV and looking bored. Maybe I can leave before anyone sees me. 10 The party is over? It’s 11 o’clock. We are just getting started. What do you mean you have to get up early tomorrow? Maybe I should drop you off to your mommy’s house.