When you are sick at work: 1 Everyone wants you to pack up your germs and go home. They bust out the Lysol cans as soon as the door closes. 2 Your coworkers are trying to figure out when they are going to come down with your disease. It better not fall on a weekend! 3 You would have called in dead but your work only gives vacation days. You aren’t about to waste one of those on an illness. Oh hell no. 4 Your nose won’t stop running and you need to finish typing up your report. Time to stuff tissues up your nose. 5 You are congested and can’t get enough oxygen because your mask is cutting off your air supply. 6 You can feel people cringe when you walk around the office. They are holding their breath until you get back to your desk. Back in your cage! 7 You walk the halls aimlessly covered in layers of blankets looking for the nurse’s office so that you can get sent home immediately. 8 The only reason you can function is because you are full of meds. Everyone better get their questions and work in before the meds wear off. It’s a race against the clock. 9 Your coworkers find you face down in you papers sound asleep. 10 Your head is pounding so you can only work with the lights off and sunglasses on. You snap at everyone to shut up because their voice is slicing through your brain. It hurts to think.
Baby Sitting for a living: 1 You are hoping the kids sleep the entire time (C’mon easy money!), but they have more energy than five Red Bulls. (Oh yay.) 2 You have no clue what this kid ate, but he did a number two that exploded all over him. (Oh gross! I better get paid extra!) Time to call the fire department to hose him off. That’s why people pay taxes. 3 You go outside for a split second and the kid locked you out. (Oh no you didn’t!) You stress yourself out playing negotiator and shell out $20 for her to let you back in. (Smells like a setup!) 4 The kid is a monster and refuses to listen. Two hours feels like two days. You will never ever have kids. NEVER. Under any circumstances. 5 The little minion convincingly tells you they are allowed to watch rated R movies. The parents come home and are horrified. They demand that you never return. (Who are they talking to? They should be having the little mastermind pack his bags.) 6 You put the child in timeout but he won’t stay. You tie him to the chair with rope and tape his mouth shut so you don’t have to listen to the backtalk. The parents don’t pay you and threaten to call the police. 7 You take the kid with you to run errands. You are a cool babysitter, so you let the four-year-old sit in the front seat with you. You return later that night after a wonderful day. The parents came home hours ago and are furious with you. Geeze a simple thank you would be sufficient. 8 You teach the young lad how to play beer pong. Mom and dad are not amused. (It was water!) 9 “These two were not getting along all night so I just let them fight it out. This one didn’t do so good. You might want to get him boxing lessons.” 10 “The food in the fridge wasn’t all for me? SORRY! Maybe you should label it next time if you don’t want me to eat it.” (It’s not nice to tease your babysitter!)
1 Shows up early and stays late and doesn’t even look at their phone. (Hey you. Yeah, you. You trying to make the rest of us look bad?) 2 Has tons of new ideas and wants the boss to use all of them. (Learn to shut your mouth kid. We don’t like change around here. Keep it up and I’ll bust your kneecap.) 3 Is full of energy and happy in the morning. (Are you on drugs? Pee in this cup, immediately.) 4 Can’t stop talking about their old job and coworkers. (Don’t care. Maybe you should go back where you came from.) 5 Looks cool but is really a few cards short of a full deck. (Boss! I need a cubicle ASAP.) 6 The boss lets them order a new chair after you have been sitting in a ten-year-old chair that has been threatening to throw you on the floor with all the noise it makes. (Hate to see the new guy’s face when they inherit my piece of crap chair and I get the new one. They haven’t even earned a stapler yet.) 7 They don’t look old enough to drive and think they are smarter than you after a couple of days at work. (You talkin’ to me? I think it’s time for your diaper change junior!) 8 They jam the copy machine, use all the paper in the fax machine, run out of toner in the printer, and use all of the toilet paper and have the nerve to walk away. (Excuse me! We follow a certain code around here. If you refuse to comply, your things will start disappearing.) 9 They complain about their work after the first week. (Hey buddy, unemployment is looking like your best option right about now. You haven’t been here long enough to complain.) 10 They talk constantly and won’t stop. (We don’t have time out at work so I will keep giving you work until you shut your mouth.)
1 Drive around in a black car with a black hat and pretend that you are a chauffeur. 2 Go to restaurants and pretend you are a food critic for a newspaper to see how many free meals you can get. 3 Walk up to people who seem like they are tourists and pretend you are a tour director and show them around. 4 Set up a fortune teller booth on a busy street and tell people their future. 5 Draw caricatures for people and watch the surprise on their face when they see how you drew them. 6 Sing for pocket change. People will pay you to shut up. 7 Pick people up from the airport and drop them off at random places. 8 Go to the supermarket and open up random items and give out samples to other shoppers. 9 Put a camera around your neck and take pictures of people who look interesting. Conduct an interview and do a photo shoot. 10 Hang out at the train station and have people march and teach them a cadence song.
1 I am just going to sit here and pretend that I remember how to do my job. 2 I am glad you called me in. I was getting so tired of relaxing and enjoying myself. 3 Oh wow! Look at the piles on my desk. How thoughtful of you to leave me something to do! 4 My wallet is empty and it’s the only reason I am here. 5 I told my husband I wanted to be a kept woman and he agreed after dropping me off here. 6 What do you mean this is due by the end of the day? You’re a mean one Mr. Grinch. 7 I had to give up wearing pajamas to be here today. 8 No days off til May!? This is unacceptable. 9 You cry in the parking lot because the celebrations are over. 10 You threaten to leave if anyone coughs or sneezes
Thoughts running through my head as I wait on hold for an hour:
1 Is this a game of endurance to see who will hang up first? I’m a stubborn mule so it won’t be me. 2 Is the horrific music so that I can choke myself out before you answer? Give me something I can sing along to instead of “Titantic push Jack under the water” music. 3 If you disconnect me now, I will beat the phone against my desk and break everything in the room. 4 Everyone must have called out and the one person left is taking their good old time. 5 Did someone go out to lunch and not let me know? 6 If I hang up now, I invested too much time and might have to wait even longer next time. 7 Maybe if I jump in my car I can get to their office to watch the surprise on their face to see me in person. 8 They must be working from home and are keeping me on hold while they are taking a shower, drinking coffee, and eating breakfast. HELLO?! 9 There is no way this person can be that busy. I think they fell asleep. Wake up!!! 10 They are probably asking Siri or Alexa how to do it because they are totally clueless. I think maybe this career isn’t for you.
1 You hit the snooze so much that you feel like a game show contestant buzzing in for the answer. 2 You act like ten more minutes of sleep is going to make a world of difference. 3 You sacrifice a shower for extra sleep. You are under the impression that you look fine without one. When you see yourself in the mirror at work you realize you were dead wrong. Bless your heart. 4 You feel like a vampire when you see light and have to dive under the covers for safety. 5 You have to sit up for ten minutes before even thinking about putting your feet on the floor. You look like you are in a trance. 6 You get angry because the sun isn’t even awake yet. 7 You have been awake 1 minute and can’t stop thinking about sleeping tonight. 8 You feel like you are going to strangle the first person who talks to you all chipper. 9 You tell yourself that the thing you were getting up for can wait until later. 10 You convince yourself that there is no way it is time to get up already. You feel like you just fell asleep!
1 Your desk keeps moving closer to the door. 2 Everyone goes out to lunch leaving you to answer the phones. 3 You are the only one with a cubicle. 4 The person who sits next to you emails you instead of talking 5 Everyone gets a summer vacation but you can’t take yours until winter. 6 They set the alarm when you are in the bathroom. When you come out, the police are there. 7 All of the irate customer calls are transferred to you. 8 You haven’t received a raise in 10 years but everyone else has. 9 Your parking spot is the furthest away from the office. 10 Your paycheck bounces every time you try and cash it.
The cons of safety a (it might all be true but it saves your life)
1 Safety goggles – Sure nothing will fly in your eye but they fog up and you can’t see the saw and lose a hand and can’t wave to your buddies. 2 Safety harness – It restricts your movement and you feel like a puppet. You decide to ditch the heavy gear and defy gravity. After all you are invincible. 3 Surgical mask – The fibers tickle your nose, it makes you claustrophobic, you have trouble breathing, and If you sneeze it’s a mess. 4 Jeans in carpentry- They are too hot in the summer, uncomfortable, and are effective birth control since they strangle the family jewels. 5 earplugs – They irritate your ear canal and push your ear wax to your brain. 6 hard hats – They irritate your forehead, make you go bald and fall off when you bend over. 7 gloves – You get sweaty glove hands. It feels like you lost five pounds. 8 steel toe boots – They cut into your piggies unless you wear three pairs of socks, feel like cement blocks on your feet, and you try to walk less since each step causes you pain. 9 athletic cup – It chafes against your legs and is a plastic sweat box. 10 mouthguard – It cuts up your gums, falls out of your mouth if you are a mouth breather, and pushes your lips out.
1 There is no one to talk to, so you need to talk out loud to yourself or to the pets. 2 You are distracted away from your work too easily and find yourself watching tv and doing chores. 3 You don’t have a home office so your couch is your new desk. 4 Your wifi is trash so instead of working 9 to 5, you work until bedtime. 5 Your kid is home sick and you have no sitter. The workday is a nightmare with the constant interruptions. 6 You miss face to face collaboration so much that you run outside to bounce ideas off of the mailman or anyone on the street who will listen. 7 Pajamas are your new work uniform since there is no need to get dressed anymore.
Your coworkers think you are fooling around instead of working. They assume you get up at noon, run errands, then work a couple hours. 9 Everyone is home because of the pandemic. Your first job is to homeschool the kids. Your work from home happens before they wake up and after they go to sleep. You are a walking zombie. 10 Your dog doesn’t understand the whole work at home concept. If you are home then they want to go outside and play. If that isn’t enough they want to sit with you all day too. Your new personal assistant doesn’t work.