Signs that your day might not turn out great: 1 You forgot to set your alarm and now you are late! 2 You made yourself lunch, but it is still sitting on the kitchen counter. 3 You wake up with a banger of a headache and didn’t even drink. 4 You are walking on the sidewalk in the rain and a car drives through a puddle. You look like you were hit by a wave. 5 You are taking groceries in the house. As you grab a bag out of the trunk it breaks, spilling milk and eggs all over the driveway. 6 You wash your hair and can’t do a thing with it. It looks like a science project gone wrong. 7 You take off your glasses at the car wash and leave them on your seat so they don’t get wet You forget about them and plop down in the drivers seat when you get back in the car. Crunch. 8 The boss yells at you at work. Hey, I could have stayed him if I wanted to get yelled at. Bye. 9 You are almost out of gas and pay day isn’t until tomorrow. You dig up $2.00 in coins from your car to pay at the gas station. Hopefully it will last until tomorrow. 10 You keep losing things and at this rate, you will never get out of the house.
When you say hello to people and they don’t say it back:
1 It’s cool. I like feeling like a jackass when you look at me but say nothing. 2 I say hello back to myself so that there is no uncomfortable silence. 3 I look around pretending someone else said it. 4 Say it louder. The person is obviously hard of hearing. 5 Wave frantically so they get the picture. 6 Say it in another language. Bonjour, hola, ciao. If you don’t know those, my give a damn is busted. 7 Dummy. The person had earbuds in and couldn’t hear you. You will have to take better notice. Those people get a smile with a polite wave. Or a cool what’s up nod. 8 Oh geez, they looked standoffish. I’m not a creeper. Not trying to hurt you. Just wanted to say hello. 9 They stare at you with a rude look instead. Whoa, killer. Easy. I take my hello back. You don’t deserve one. Next time I will slap you across the face. 10 Am I dead? I must be a ghost.
1 You look so pretty. I can’t believe you’re still single. (Wow. It’s hard to believe your mom loves you.) 2 Don’t take this the wrong way… (Let me stop you right there since you already started off with your foot in your mouth.) 3 You look so much younger with that hairstyle. (And you will look so much better with the black eye I am going to give you!) 4 You should wear makeup all the time. (And you should tape your mouth shut.) 5 Your baby is precious. He looks nothing like you. (Did you ever look in the mirror.) 6 You carry your weight well. (So well that I can stuff you head first in the trash can.) 7 You’re pretty when you smile. (Maybe you just aren’t funny enough to make me smile.) 8 You’re so cool, it’s like hanging with one of the guys. (Ouch you just friend-zoned me.) 9 It’s awesome that you don’t care what you look like. (I don’t? What the hell are you saying?) 10 You played so well tonight.. Must have been luck. (The only skill you have is running your mouth.)
Italians: 1 We add extra syllables to words. 2 When we get together the dining room table is full of desserts. 3 If four people are coming for dinner, we cook enough for fifteen. God forbid we run out of food. 4 We talk with our mouths and our hands. If you tie up our hands, we are at a loss for words. 5 If you visit and say you aren’t very hungry, you will live to regret it. 6 We have no idea what indoor voice means. We talk loud. 7 We drink wine with every meal and eat bread. 8 We love to eat and when you are full, it is time for dessert. Manga. 9 We keep asking you if you want to eat, even if you say no. There is no such thing as a diet. 10 You always have to spell your last name.
What to say to your child when they say “I’m bored”:
1 “Okay, you can help with some chores.” 2 “Here, read this book.” 3 “Take out the trash.” 4 “You can come food shopping with me.” 5 “You can mow the lawn for your father.” 6 “Why don’t you work on your report for school and get it out of the way?” 7 “Let’s go get that haircut for you right now.” 8 “Perfect, go through your closet and get rid of the clothes you don’t wear anymore.” 9 “Go play with your sister.” 10”Let’s go for a long walk.”
1 My husband asks me to look up how much he made last year. On my way upstairs, I bring up the shampoo on the steps and put it in the upstairs closet. 2 The closet is a mess, so I organize it and throw away old medicines. I get a trash bag from downstairs and bring a laundry basket upstairs. The bag isn ‘t quite full so I empty trash cans. 3 While I am in my son’s room, I make the bed and gather dirty laundry. Back downstairs. 4 I throw the dirty clothes in the wash and go back upstairs. I go to my room and put away the clean laundry. I go to the bathroom when I am done and proceed to clean both bathrooms upstairs. 5 The boys’ bathroom has a dirty glass on the sink so back downstairs to put it in the dishwasher. 6 The dishwasher is full so I empty it and then fill it with dirty dishes. I clean the counter and notice a pile of mail. 7 I go through the mail and pay the bills. Back upstairs to file everything away. 8 I decide to rearrange my office and run the vacuum. I may as well do the rest of the house. 9 My husband asks if I looked up his income. Back upstairs to look through the tax returns. While I’m here, I should get a folder ready for this year with notes. 10 Finally, I am done and go downstairs to tell hubby what I found. Now he asks, how much dental coverage do we have through our insurance. Oh boy, here we go again!
1 If someone shows up to dinner with a fork and knife, show them the door. What an embarrassment. 2 It turns you into a savage and you just can’t get enough. 3 If you don’t look a mess, you aren’t eating them right. 4 I’m sorry, I can’t pass that dish right now. I am slathered in bbq sauce. 5 They are so delicious that if you don’t have a pile of bones in your plate, you shouldn’t be eating. 6 If that bone isn’t clean, keep going. 7 Forget the paper bib, it’s expected to have bbq sauce everywhere. 8 When you are done, you feel like you died and went to heaven. 9 Don’t expect much conversation at the table other than mmmm. 10 I don’t need a napkin, I will lick my fingers to clean them.
1 The teacher pairs you up and your partner’s face looks like it is in shock. 2 It is time to brainstorm and the only thing your partner has to say is uh! Let me think. Duh really? 3 Your partner says no to every idea you have without offering any. Just do it! 4 You split up the work but have to pick up your partner’s slack because they are too lazy. 5 Your partner ghosts you when you call, text, or email. 6 Your partner refuses to share information because he wants his part to be better than yours. Boohoo you are lame. 7 They keep coming up with excuses for not getting done on time. Excuse me, you have me confused with your momma. 8 You end up meeting with yourself when they conveniently no show. 9 Your partner does not like you and makes it impossible to communicate. You wish that the teacher knew how little they did. 10 Your partner doesn’t care about their grade and is compromising yours with their inconsideration. Go away loser.
1 Looking around, the house suddenly looks bare and a lot bigger. 2 There are xmas tree needles everywhere. It’s a wonder the tree has any needles left 3 You don’t feel like putting forth the effort of putting everything away so you keep coming up with excuses to keep the tree up a week longer. 4 You order your kids to take down the decorations and they disappear, never to be found again. 5 Maybe I can leave it up and turn it into a valentines tree, then st. patty’s and then an Easter tree. 6 You look at the tree wondering if there is any way you can put it away to make it easier to put up next year. 7 You ponder throwing it all away and buying everything new next year. 8 You ask Alexa to do it but she doesn’t have that ability. Too bad. 9 You curse yourself for putting up so many lights on the outside of the house. 10 You keep breaking xmas ornaments and have more of a mess to clean up.
1 You are having a wonderful dream that is interrupted by an annoyingly loud alarm. The moment has passed and you are mad for the rest of the day. 2 You leave the house with the exact number of minutes to get to work and then you hit traffic. Hopefully, no one will notice when you sneak in late. 3 You decide to buy tickets at the door only to find that they are sold out. Please let me in. 4 You study the night before the exam only to fall asleep and wake up in the morning with no time to study. What happened? 5 You wait a whole year for vacation and it is over just as you settle in. Back to work? No way. 6 Your pregnancy may last an eternity while everyone else’s moves quickly. C’mon kid. Times up. 7 When you meet the love of your life and can’t get enough of them and count the seconds until you see them again. Remind yourself of that when you get mad at him. 8 When you blink and your youngest child is a man in college. What do you mean you want to live on your own. Silly! 9 When you wait for summer to get there and it is the fastest twelve weeks of the year. Back to school commercials make you angry as a parent and a student. 10 When you are taking your time on a test to get everything right but don’t have enough time to finish. Patience, teacher. Good things come to those who wait.