1 You fall asleep while stretching on your mat 2 You are disappointed the mats aren’t Twister mats 3 You can’t do downward dog without tooting 4 You get suffocated by your boobs when you bend over 5 You moan loudly every time you change a pose 6 You are sweating so bad in hot yoga that you slip in your sweat 7 Your body cramps up and you can’t get out of position 8 You are told to grab your leg behind you and lean forward. You wake up after class with a concussion. 9 Instead of finding inner peace, you curse like a sailor and become really pissed off. 10 The entire time you are in class you are devising an escape plan
1 If the person doesn’t use spell check or reread their text, you have to decipher what they are trying to say. It is like talking in tongues. 2 You text a paragraph to someone about something and pour your heart out. You anxiously await their response and get k. Wow, we are no longer friends. 3 You can’t read emotion. A text should read like a script. (Standing with her hands on her hips) Are you serious? (sticking up the middle finger to the phone and stringing a line of curses) You better come up with a better excuse than that! (His clothes are scattered on the front lawn) 4 The person has time to think about how they want to answer you back. There is no face to face where you can read their face and body language. 5 You tend to text the person you are trying to vent about instead of the person you want to vent to. 6 You can’t tell if you have hurt someone’s feelings. You need to squirm. 7 It’s easier to ignore people by not opening their texts and lamely pretending that you didn’t get it. You aren’t fooling anyone. 8 It’s hard to visit with someone who can’t take their eyes off of their phone. You almost feel like you need to leave the room. 9 You find yourself getting angry when people don’t answer you in a certain amount of time. You take it personally and turn the conversation into an argument. The poor person you were texting phone died and they are going to get hit with a bunch of aggressive messages when their phone turns back on. 10 Punctuation can change the whole meaning of a text. “I’m sorry. I love you so much.” compared to “I’m sorry I love you so much.” Oh boy.
1 Pulling out in front of someone when there are no cars for miles behind them. Someone is looking for a beating. 2 Someone who obviously didn’t wash their hands in the bathroom and comes out trying to put their paws all over you. Ewww, get away!! 3 When someone blocks you in a parking lot because there were no more spots. They made their own parking space then fell off the face of the earth. Now what genius? Bumper cars anyone? 4 Seeing a bunch of people waiting in line and jumping to the front like you are a VIP. You are more like a donkey. What did you think all of those people were doing? Waiting for a bus? 5 Someone sitting right on top of you when there are plenty of empty seats around you. Quick, start coughing. 6 Eating something in the fridge that you know someone else was looking forward to but not caring. Really? Game on stupid. 7 Borrowing someone’s car and not filling it up with gas. They get ready to go to work and there are only fumes left. 8 Asking a woman if she is pregnant without having a clue. Thanks, buddy. I am still trying to lose my baby weight from the birth of my son. He is 20. 9 Telling secrets about people as if you are in a soundproof room. I can hear you! You may want to work on your whispering skills. 10 Texting while walking through a parking lot without paying attention to your surroundings. Don’t be surprised if you land on the hood of someone’s car or under the tires.
1 When you pee, it smells like a fresh pot of coffee. 2 You are so wired that you don’t need wifi 3 You don’t add water to the coffee pot. You drink it straight up 4 Instead of a coffee mug you drink straight out of the coffee pot 5 You answer the door before people knock 6 You can hold both sides of a conversation 7 Your heart feels like a drum solo 8 You talk faster than an auctioneer 9 You want to be cremated just so you can be in a coffee can 10 Your eyes are so bugged out that there are no pupils
1 The cars on the street where you just parallel parked looks like a demolition derby 2 You make your turns on two wheels 3 When the light turns green, you take off like a bat out of hell and drive like you are in a drag race 4 You put your makeup on and eat breakfast while you are driving 5 Your bumpers are rainbow-colored from hitting other cars 6 Everyone else offers to drive when you go out. You think you have the nicest friends when in reality, they pray that they get back in one piece when you drive. 7 Your navigation says to stop in 500 feet to let it out 8 Your mirror is hanging off your car. That’s ok. You only needed one anyway. 9 Your passenger is putting on their fake brakes and holding on for dear life 10 You drive the wrong way down a one-way street and curse everyone else out for going the wrong way
1 Getting lost but refusing to admit it. Instead, you say that you took the scenic way on purpose. 2 He blames every bad mood you have on PMS 😡. No, but when I get it, I will make sure it lasts a month just for you. The nerve!! This one deserves a slap instead of an eye roll. 3 If you show some emotion or talk a little louder, you are crazy or nuts. 4 When you try to talk to them while they are playing video games and they actually get mad because you got them killed 5 Make pooping an event that takes an hour. Just poop and get out! Why stay in there longer than you have to? 6 When you tell him all about the weekend plans and then the time comes and he acts surprised and says you never told him. 7 When we go for a midnight swim because you didn’t put the toilet seat down. 8 Taking off his socks and leaving them all over the house. 9 Driving with the seat reclined like you plan on taking a nap. Put that seat up and pay attention. You are driving, not watching TV in your living room. 10 Putting empty cartons back in the fridge instead of the trash can.
1 An expensive car that costs more than your annual salary. You have to drive 25 mph because you are too afraid to crash or even scratch the car. 2 Clothing that is brand new. Talk about pressure. It is an open invitation for food and drinks to drop all over the beautiful fabric. 3 Good jewelry – You drink too much and drop the earring somewhere in your house. You have to hope that you can crawl around every square inch of your house and find it before the vacuum does or your friend wants them back. 4 Luggage – The airline loses your luggage except it isn’t yours. There is no way you can afford to replace it. That is why you borrowed it in the first place. 5 Shoes – They are more than your paycheck but look so sparkly. You stepped in some mud and there is no way to save these shoes. 6 You lose the item you borrowed and replace it. When you return it, your friend has a strange look on her face but she is too polite to tell you that this is nothing like what you borrowed. 7 You dent her car but it is on the passenger’s side so maybe by the time she notices, she will think it was her. 8 You borrow something and forget to return it. By the time your friend asks for it back, you have no clue where it is. 9 You stay at your friends luxurious house for the weekend but are so afraid to ruin anything that you stress yourself out and forget to have fun. 10 You borrow a chainsaw to cut down a tree but have no clue what you are doing. The tree falls into your neighbors house. Oops 😬 timber!
1 Someone not very talkative. They give one word answers and you are out questions with awkward silence. 2 A low talker. It constantly sounds like mumbling and the audience is straining to hear. 3 Someone argumentative. Instead of a friendly conversation you have a debate on your hands. 4 Someone boring. You are looking for great ratings not a snooze fest. 5 When you ask a question and they go off on a rant and no one knows what they are talking about. Twilight Zone. 6 They show up sloppy drunk and have no clue what is happening. It turns into a babysitting gig. 7 They curse like a sailor. After bleeping it out there is nothing left of the interview. 8 One who takes over and asks you questions. You lose control of your own show. 9 Someone who decides to have their life fall apart on your show. C’mon get it together. 10 Someone who uses your show for their own social or political issues. No one asked. Go tell someone who cares.
1 You throw some blonde highlights in your dark hair and look like a bengal tiger. 2 There is more dye on the floor, sink, and your shirt than on your head. 3 Not only did you dye your hair but your ears and side of your face match too. 4 You try to dye your brows. Either they fall out or you look like a theatrical nightmare. 5 Your scalp has an allergic reaction to the dye. Yikes! 6 You leave it in too long and you look like the mistress of darkness. 7 Your hair is long and one box isn’t gonna do it. Everyone in the store is looking at the crazy lady who ran in like a bat out of hell with dye in her hair. 8 You close yourself in the bathroom with all the windows closed breathing in nasty fumes. You are killing brain cells by the second. 9 You put so much bleach in your hair and it is dried out. You are surprised when a horse mistakes your hair for hay. 10 You think you are a chemist and mix two boxes of color together. Give your hair a break. It’s not a science project.
1 You have to get a 75” TV because you can’t see anything smaller. 2 If you go into the ocean for a little swim, you have no clue where your blanket is when you come out. Hopefully your people will flag you down. 3 When you wake up in the morning you can’t see the clock without squinting or tugging at the corners of your eyes. 4 Your world is out of focus and distorted. You feel like you are stuck in a funhouse. 5 Sometimes you see double and that’s before drinking. 6 You can’t see street signs until you are on top of them or when you pass them. It takes a lot longer to navigate. 7 If something is in your eye, you can’t get it out because you can’t see without glasses. It’s a catch 22. 8 You can’t see the scale without taking a picture of it and zooming in. 9 You think you recognize people from across the room and wave enthusiastically, only to find out it is a stranger. 10 You get mad when you can’t get into your car then eventually realize it’s not yours.