Funny things dogs do: 1Brings us a toy to throw and then doesn’t want to give it up. Make up your mind! 2 Runs around the house like a lunatic when they get wet. Fluff balls running at the speed of light. 3 Bite their tail and then chase it in circles. Run faster and you will get it. 4 Sleep on their back with their legs stiff and up in the air. You are playing dead, right? 5 Steal pieces of food out of their bowl one at a time. Someone tell the dog there is no need to steal your own food. 6 Watches TV and then looks back and forth from you to the TV when it is off. Someone wants you to turn something on, and fast! 7 Reflexively kick their back leg when you give a belly rub. Oh yeah! 8 When looking for someone or something, they are on a mission and cannot be interrupted until they find it. 9 Tap dancing when you walk through the front door. It’s nice to know someone is excited that you are home. 10 Digging a hole six feet deep the second you turn your back. Whoa, where were you when I needed a shovel at the beach?
potty training toddlers: 1 They want to visit every public bathroom until you dread going out. When you do go out, you only visit the stores that have the cleanest bathrooms. 2 Boys get the brilliant idea that they can drop their drawers outside, any time. “Honey, you do realize you aren’t invisible?” 3 You spend way more time in the bathroom these days. It feels like a timeout. You consider bringing some wine in there with you to make it worthwhile. 4 They sit on the toilet for what feels like an eternity and then go in their pants. 5 Sometimes the problem isn’t getting them to pee. The bigger obstacle is teaching them to aim at the right target. 6 You begin to bribe them to perform on the potty. Each time, the bribes get a little bigger. 7 “What are you doing over there? You have a look of concentration on your face. Are you pooping?” They begin hiding from you to avoid toilet time. 8 When they do go #2, they want to show it to everyone possible, as if it is an art exhibit. 9 You take on the job like a personal challenge so that you can stop spending money on diapers. Your little boot camp encourages your toddler to say NO to potty. 10 You don’t have to fake celebrations. The job is so much harder than you planned and uses every emotion. The second you hear a tinkle or a plop, you cheer as if your team won the superbowl.
The trouble with crutches: 1 Your armpits get so sore you feel like all of your skin rubbed off. 2 Going downstairs feels like a suicide mission every time. 3 The tip of your crutch keeps catching and tripping you up. You blame it on defective crutches. 4 Stairs become your enemy. You can never remember whether it is crutch first or foot first. Ugghh you suck at dance routines. 5 Oh crap, I can’t get out of the car. It took so long to get in, I forgot to grab the crutches. 6 My hands are full of blisters, and I even tried wearing gloves. 7 Sitting on the toilet is like trying to do a magic trick. Impossible! 8 Like I don’t have enough problems without snow on the ground. 9 My crutches fell while I was in the shower. Oh, God. I am crawling on the floor naked trying to get to them. 10 Cooking is an obstacle course. Everything you try to carry is all over the floor.
Toilet paper: (Danielle, this one is for you!!) 1 If someone is too lazy to change the roll and there are no more under the vanity, you are shit out of luck. 2 Although there is a right way to put the new roll on, no one really gives a crap. Just do it! 3 You want to strangle the person who leaves you with one square of toilet paper or an empty roll. What can you possible do with one square of toilet paper? You can use the cardboard tube as a megaphone for someone to bring you some more. 4 Why did everyone have to buy out the toilet paper during COVID? None of the symptoms had anything to do with going to the bathroom. 5 News alert: Going paperless has nothing to do with toilet paper. 6 Dear toilet paper companies, don’t bother selling it unless it is two ply. No one wants to end up wiping their ass with their hand because it isn’t strong enough. 7 I shouldn’t be the person always changing the roll. This isn’t a game show where the person left with an empty roll is a loser. 8 Toilet paper doesn’t come with directions but it isn’t rocket science baby. You can do it! 9 It’s pretty bad when you have to text someone for more TP since you are stuck on the bowl without a roll of toilet paper. It’s a common courtesy to put a new roll on. 10 Next time you decide to be lazy, I will Saran Wrap the bowl and you will have a big surprise!
If someone cuts in line in front of you: 1 Hit them with your cart. Whoops! 2 Tell them you have a gun as you point your finger into their back. 3 Hey buddy, the front of the line is back there. 4 Yell fire! 5 Grab their wallet so they can’t pay. 6 Say “I know what you did.” in your most menacing voice. 7 Cut in front of them. 8 Say “Oh are you in such a hurry you can’t wait like the rest of us?” 9 Say “Oh no you didn’t! Am I invisible or something?” 10 Keep coughing and don’t stop until they get out of line.
When people invade your personal space: 1 Keep your meat hooks to yourself. This isn’t a date. 2 For every step back you take, they advance forward. Do you know how to take a hint? Back off. 3 You shouldn’t be close enough where I can see the spit bubbling up on your lip. Eww. 4 I guess you don’t see my invisible bubble. Get out. 5 You are standing so close that my spidey senses are tingling. Not one step closer or you will feel my foot kicking you in the ass. 6 Hey buddy, I don’t need to know what you ate for lunch. If I can smell your breath, you need to get to steppin. 7 Excuse me airport security, you better buy me dinner before you continue patting me down. 8 Can you stop leaning over me? It is giving me the urge to flip you onto the floor. Hi Yah 9 A big person sits next to you on the train and spreads out. So glad you are comfortable. Meanwhile, my arms are pinned to my sides and I am cramping up. Help! 10 I don’t recall inviting you into my space so get outta here.
1 A 🐝 bee flies in while you are driving and you totally lose it and start swerving all over the road and almost kill your driving instructor. 2 You take a car to your driving test that you have never driven before and are unfamiliar with it. You put on the windshield wipers instead of the turn signal and let out a little giggle. Someone is not amused. 3 You take off before your instructor is strapped in and try to stop real quick. You instructor bangs his head on the dash. He doesn’t appreciate you telling him that he signed up for this job. Not your fault. 4 You try and show off your defensive driving skills and knock over all of the cones. At least you were consistent. 5 You sneeze and throw off your rhythm. Out of nervousness you floor the gas pedal instead of hitting the brake. 6 Trying to avoid roadkill, you scream and close your eyes. Guess who failed? 7 It’s pouring and you can’t see anything. Instead of slowing down, you roll through some stop signs. No big deal right? Wrong. 8 Coming to a four way stop 🛑 last and thinking it’s okay to go first since you have a VIP in the car. 9 When you think you are too good of a driver to check your mirrors. You are confident that the coast is clear. Big dummy. 10 You have to merge onto a road and use the entrance ramp to speed up. You think the faster you go the easier it will be to blend in.
1 This car is so fun to drive. I would feel horrible if you decide to drive your old car home. 2 Listen, I will throw in a full tank of gas so your first ride will be a long one. 3 Sure this car is a little over your monthly budget, but you will easily save this amount in gas. 4 Hey, is your company hiring? If I go any lower, I am going to need a new job. 5 Imagine yourself in this fast, hot car with the top down. Your friends will be so envious. I mean, you can save $50 a month with the Prius, but your friends will be looking at you for a different reason. 6 That couple over there really wants the same car you are looking at right now. If you put a deposit down right now, the car is yours. 7 Let me tell you, the vehicle is loaded. The only thing missing is you in the driver’s seat. 8 Everyone wants to save some money. This is a great vehicle. You work hard and deserve to treat yourself. If you don’t, no one else will. 9 I want to make this as simple as possible for you. If you sign the paperwork, I will deliver the vehicle to your door personally when it is ready. 10 As far as deals go, you pretty much hit a grand slam. You better sign the paperwork as quick as possible, before they realize their mistake.
1 You over condition your hair and it looks like you washed it with Crisco. 2 You straighten your bangs but it’s humid out. Throughout the day they transform into a handlebar mustache. 3 You blow dry your hair and it looks like a frizzy rat’s nest. 4 You try to get away with not wetting your head and your hair looks worse than bed head. You look like you combed your hair with a rock. 5 Your cowlick is in rare form and stands straight up to salute you, no matter what you do. 6 You buy cheap gel to save money. Maybe you should have opened your wallet a little more because your hair isn’t holding up at all. 7 You have fine hair and you try to make it look fuller by adding layers. Now you look like you have a mullet. 8 You put your hair in a ponytail and it looks pathetically small. Everyone that walks past you wants to say, “Poor thing” to your hair. It is a limp biscuit. 9 You part your hair in a differently than normal. It protests by doing whatever the hell it wants. 10 You start straightening your hair but it feels like it is taking hours. Your arms feel like they are going to fall out of their sockets. Now you have half straight and half curly hair. You look ridiculous.
1 Tell him to talk really slow so you can write down every word. 2 Keep repeating his name like your best friend and keep interrupting him to ask about his family and personal life. 3 Ask for his home number so you can call at a more convenient time. 4 Keep asking them out and tell them you need to get to know each other better before you give out credit card information. 5 Tell them you are on house arrest and ask them to come over with snacks and drinks. 6 Act like a complete lunatic. 7 When they ask you how you are, tell them you are glad they called and tell them all of your problems. 8 Tell them you will buy their item if they buy something you are selling 9 Act like you won a prize and ask them how they are sending it to you. 10 Talk in a fake foreign language.