Things that are hard to tell your husband:
1 “Um Babe, There is a little scratch on the car, but it’s barely noticeable.” He goes outside to inspect and you hear him screaming by the time you count to three.
2 “I did a little shopping today to treat myself.” He comes home from work to find 18 boxes piled in front of the door.
3 “I was pulled over for speeding. My ticket is $250.” Why so high? “I was going 80 in a 55. I wanted to get home to you.”
4 “I sort of got fired today. I told my boss no, and when he threatened me with my job, I told him where to stick it.”
5 “I went to the bar last night and drank too much. Apparently, I bought the entire bar a round of drinks. You will probably see it on the credit card bill.”
6 “Where did the dog come from? Well, I was window shopping and went into a pet shop and fell in love and couldn’t tell this guy no. Look at those 👀 eyes!
7 “OMG my windshield has a crack. Well more like a giant crater. You know that asteroid they were talking about in the news? Yep, part of it broke off. I’m lucky to be alive to tell this story.
8 “My ex called me and he still has feelings for me. He will do anything to get me back. So what will you do to keep me?”
9 “I took the rent money and lost it playing craps at the casino. I was so close to making a fortune. You should have seen me. For the foreseeable future, we might be eating by candlelight, cooking over a campfire, and taking a bath in the lake.”
10 “My parents can’t afford their bills and didn’t know what to do. I insisted that they move in with us. Now you and my dad will have plenty of quality time to spend together.”
#blog #top10 #funny #hardtotellhusband
If someone cuts in line in front of you:
1 Hit them with your cart. Whoops!
2 Tell them you have a gun as you point your finger into their back.
3 Hey buddy, the front of the line is back there.
4 Yell fire!
5 Grab their wallet so they can’t pay.
6 Say “I know what you did.” in your most menacing voice.
7 Cut in front of them.
8 Say “Oh are you in such a hurry you can’t wait like the rest of us?”
9 Say “Oh no you didn’t! Am I invisible or something?”
10 Keep coughing and don’t stop until they get out of line.
#blog #top10 #linecutter #funny
Yard sale customers from hell:
1 They criticize your stuff. No one said you had to buy it. C’ya later.
2 People are impatiently waiting while you are setting up, and the sale doesn’t start for an hour. No loitering. Learn how to read a clock.
3 People switching tags or pocketing items. I can clearly see you!
4 They try to return stuff after they bought it “as is”. This isn’t a department store. All sales are final. You bought it, so it is all yours.
5 They rudely insist on paying a lower price and can buy it cheaper somewhere else. Don’t let the door hit you in the arse.
6 They haggle with you over prices. This isn’t Let’s Make A Deal. This is Buy It Or Get Lost.
7 They pay with a $100 bill. I have change for a $20. This isn’t a bank.
8 They ask for boxes and bags when their car is parked at the curb. Would you like that gift wrapped too?
9 They want to use your restroom. Only if you buy the rest of my stuff. Otherwise NO.
10 They try to swindle your kid when they take over while you take a quick break. Luckily your kid takes after you.
#top10 #funny #blog #yardsale
Why you hold onto clothes instead of getting rid of them:
1 You are saving a specific outfit for when you paint. (Really, the last time you painted was 7 years ago)
2 You want to save your size 2 jeans in case you lose weight. They are your inspiration. (Honey, hate to break it to you but you haven’t seen size 2 since high school.)
3 It still has a tag on it and you haven’t worn it. (If you really loved it that tag would have been off a long time ago. You aren’t going to change your mind anytime soon)
4 You don’t feel right in that sexy shirt you bought but you are going to hold onto it just in case. (Um why? You aren’t going to feel right in it a year from now if it isn’t right now)
5 You have a bunch of long sundresses for a cruise and are saving them for your next cruise which may not happen for ten years. (By then you will want new dresses. Let them go!)
6 Someone gave it to you as a gift and you feel bad to get rid of it. (Let them see you wear it once and if you really don’t like it, get rid of it)
7 You love to wear a certain ridiculous looking outfit when you are not leaving the house or seeing anyone. (Ditch them because if someone does come to the door, you are going to die of embarrassment. Find something else comfortable to wear.)
8 They hold sentimental value of good memories. (Take a picture next time. They last longer.)
9 It might come back into style. (Yea maybe 20 years from now. The trash can is that way.)
10 It’s in perfectly good condition so there is no reason to ditch it. (Just because it is in good condition doesn’t mean it looks good.)
#top10 #blog #funny #clothes
Dealing with salespeople (I wouldn’t want their job and I do empathize):
1 They promise not to hover, but every time you turn around, there they are!
2 They ring the doorbell while you are making dinner. You try to ignore it but they refuse to go away.
3 You tell them your bottom line and you are still required to go through all of the haggling before reaching the bottom line.
4 You don’t believe in warranties. You politely say no when offered but this particular person won’t take no for an answer. They let you know you will be up a creek without a paddle when something goes wrong. Thanks, I’ll be taking those odds.
5 You agree to buy a car and then they try to throw in all of the extras and have the nerve to charge you for every little thing. What do you mean, the steering wheel is extra?
6 When you listen to all of the jibber-jabber and decide the product is not for you, the person keeps trying different angles. Yeah, it’s still a no!
7 When going door to door selling solar panels, they let you know that Joe Blow down the street is interested in their product. Great! Tell them to pay for mine while they are at it.
8 This guy talks so much that you can’t even get a word in. Okay, I’m just going to close the door and let you talk to yourself.
9 They tell you, “It’s your loss.” Can you get your boss on the phone? I want to return the favor so that when you lose your job, it can be your loss.
10 Stop following me and telling me about every product that I put my finger on. One more word and I am going to start throwing things!
#blog #top10 #funny #sales
Reasons to hate the grocery store:
1 Something is on sale, but you can’t find it. They should give out treasure maps at the door.
2 The one-way arrows. If you don’t look down at the floor, you don’t even realize they are there. Plus, it is one more reason for people to give you dirty looks.
3 The cashier turns her light off just as you walk up and tells you that she is closed. I seriously want to throw my groceries at her.
4 The aisles are too narrow . There is always one person who parks their cart in the center of the aisle as if they are the only ones in the store.
5 You regret wearing shorts when you step into the cold and freezer aisles. You need special winter gear just to walk down those aisles. Burrrr
6 I keep waiting for the cashier to say, “This trip is free. Congratulations!”
7 Getting the faulty cart really ruins the trip. The wheel just won’t go the right way, and the store is packed. You are stuck with the cart. You either have to move diagonally or backward. Forward is not an option. As if shopping isn’t frustrating enough.
8 The person in front of you debates prices with the cashier on multiple items. This isn’t Let’s Make A Deal. Get your stuff and get out!
9 They ask if I found everything. Smart ass! I sure did. Plus I spent another $100 on a bunch of things that weren’t even on my list.
10 I get my groceries home and some of them say things that they didn’t say in the store. Fat-free, sugar-free, etc. There are extra words on the labels that weren’t there at the store.
#TopTen #HateGroceryShopping #Funny #Blog
When you get a gift and have none to exchange. You politely excuse yourself for a bathroom trip:
1 You trip trying to run up the stairs as quick as possible. You rummage through your closet with clothes flying everywhere and move on to the jewelry box to see if you have anything with a tag still on it.
2 You throw the contents of your handbag on the floor praying that there is a gift card in one of the compartments that you forgot to use.
3 Next, you run down the hall to see if there is any unused body wash. No luck.
4 Then it hits you that maybe you have some perfume. You go to your special drawer and search. Everything is used. Why do you have to be a fragrance junkie?
5 Oh! You might have some candles. Perfect. Then you remember your friend is a pain in the ass who is sensitive to anything overly scented.
6 You are beginning to sweat and frantically try to come up with a solution. Your husband has the secret stash of money in his drawer. He has no idea that you know about it. You look underneath his socks and NOTHING!! He is on to you and moved it.
7 Then you remember your friend likes to read. On to the bookcase in the study. You find the perfect book but it isn’t going to be enough.
8 It shouldn’t be a problem since you can give it to her with a bottle of wine. You open the wine cabinet to find it empty. Unfortunately, you and your husband are apparently alcoholics who drink everything in sight.
9 You grab one of the plants in your house in desperation or go out to your garden and pick flowers. You have to crawl under the window so that you are undetected.
10 Of course, there is no gift wrap so you improvise with aluminum foil and are proud because the present looks fancy now.
Your friend smiles as you return to the room with your gift and you say, “I am so sorry to keep you waiting. My stomach is a mess!
#blog #funny #topten #nogift
Shoes feel so great when you try them on at the store:
1 The next day the shoes are somehow smaller than they were at the store. Your feet have swollen to twice the size and your shoes may have to be cut off.
2 The bottom of the shoe is suddenly so slippery that you fall every time you take a step.
3 The backs of the shoes are rubbing against your skin and you hobble around the rest of the day.
4 Your boots are rubbing against your shins. When you take them off, you are covered in bruises and your leg hair is missing.
5 The shoe doesn’t seem to have any cushioning. You feel like you are walking on concrete with every step you take. Maybe the bottoms of your shoes fell off.
6 The peep toe style looked cute but turns out it is a torture chamber. You might only have four toes by the time you get home.
7 Your new flip flops have hard plastic. The skin between your toes is disappearing with every step you take.
8 The shoes are pointier than you remember. Your toes are being painfully squeezed together. You may walk like a penguin for the rest of your life.
9 The heels are so high on your open toe shoes that your foot is sliding downward and getting cut by the strappy design holding your feet in. It’s like barbed wire.
10 Those cute little slip on heels you bought are super dangerous in the rain. Your heel keeps slipping out and it will be a miracle if your ankles aren’t broken by the end of the day.
#blogger #topten #uncomfortableshoes
Best Car Closing Lines:
1 This car is so fun to drive. I would feel horrible if you had to drive your old car home.
2 Listen, I will throw in a full tank of gas so your first ride will be a long one.
3 Sure this car is a little over your monthly budget, but you will easily save this amount in gas.
4 Hey, is your company hiring? If I go any lower, I am going to need a new job.
5 Imagine yourself in this fast, hot car with the top down. Your friends will be so envious. I mean, you can save $50 a month with the Prius, but your friends will be looking at you for a different reason.
6 That couple over there really wants the same car you are looking at right now. If you put a deposit down right now, the car is yours.
7 Let me tell you, the vehicle is loaded. The only thing missing is you in the driver’s seat.
8 Everyone wants to save some money. This is a great vehicle. You work hard and deserve to treat yourself. If you don’t, no one else will.
9 I want to make this as simple as possible for you. If you sign the paperwork, I will deliver the vehicle to your door personally when it is ready.
10 As far as deals go, you pretty much hit a grand slam. You better sign the paperwork as quick as possible, before they realize their mistake.