Things that are hard to tell your husband: 1 “Um Babe, There is a little scratch on the car, but it’s barely noticeable.” He goes outside to inspect and you hear him screaming by the time you count to three. 2 “I did a little shopping today to treat myself.” He comes home from work to find 18 boxes piled in front of the door. 3 “I was pulled over for speeding. My ticket is $250.” Why so high? “I was going 80 in a 55. I wanted to get home to you.” 4 “I sort of got fired today. I told my boss no, and when he threatened me with my job, I told him where to stick it.” 5 “I went to the bar last night and drank too much. Apparently, I bought the entire bar a round of drinks. You will probably see it on the credit card bill.” 6 “Where did the dog come from? Well, I was window shopping and went into a pet shop and fell in love and couldn’t tell this guy no. Look at those 👀 eyes! 7 “OMG my windshield has a crack. Well more like a giant crater. You know that asteroid they were talking about in the news? Yep, part of it broke off. I’m lucky to be alive to tell this story. 8 “My ex called me and he still has feelings for me. He will do anything to get me back. So what will you do to keep me?” 9 “I took the rent money and lost it playing craps at the casino. I was so close to making a fortune. You should have seen me. For the foreseeable future, we might be eating by candlelight, cooking over a campfire, and taking a bath in the lake.” 10 “My parents can’t afford their bills and didn’t know what to do. I insisted that they move in with us. Now you and my dad will have plenty of quality time to spend together.”
potty training toddlers: 1 They want to visit every public bathroom until you dread going out. When you do go out, you only visit the stores that have the cleanest bathrooms. 2 Boys get the brilliant idea that they can drop their drawers outside, any time. “Honey, you do realize you aren’t invisible?” 3 You spend way more time in the bathroom these days. It feels like a timeout. You consider bringing some wine in there with you to make it worthwhile. 4 They sit on the toilet for what feels like an eternity and then go in their pants. 5 Sometimes the problem isn’t getting them to pee. The bigger obstacle is teaching them to aim at the right target. 6 You begin to bribe them to perform on the potty. Each time, the bribes get a little bigger. 7 “What are you doing over there? You have a look of concentration on your face. Are you pooping?” They begin hiding from you to avoid toilet time. 8 When they do go #2, they want to show it to everyone possible, as if it is an art exhibit. 9 You take on the job like a personal challenge so that you can stop spending money on diapers. Your little boot camp encourages your toddler to say NO to potty. 10 You don’t have to fake celebrations. The job is so much harder than you planned and uses every emotion. The second you hear a tinkle or a plop, you cheer as if your team won the superbowl.
1 Arguing with customer service to get what you want is a full time job 2 You call out five names before you get your kids name right. 3 You can only buy things on sale 4 You hate throwing food away, or anything else for that matter 5 You get frustrated with technology 6 You put comfort before fashion 7 You yell at cars to slow down 8 You need your glasses before you can look at something 9 You remind everyone to pee before leaving the house 10 You have a bedtime again
Wives appreciatIng their husbands: 1 Thank you so much for leaving the toilet seat up. It is wonderful to take a swim in the middle of the night. 2 After a night of drinking your husband goes to sleep and makes noises like an angry grizzly bear. 3 You should be an expert at peeing after all of these years. Instead, you pee like you just went blind. It goes everywhere but the target. 4 Your dirty clothes are always on the floor next to the hamper. Either you are terrible at basketball or you are starting your own pile. 5 You can eat anything you want and never gain weight. Women look at food and gain weight. It takes six months to lose five pounds and you lose it after taking a dump. 6 It is so thoughtful of you to leave worms in the fridge with my food. Fishing bait should be in your cooler. 7 I love you so much, especially when I go to eat something that I was looking forward to but you beat me to it first. 8 I am so proud at how good you are at video games. You dedicate so many hours to be the best you can be. Those skills might come in handy some day. 9 I love when you say Whatever. My blood pressure goes through the roof and I cannot be held responsible for what happens next. 10 I appreciate how you are a nature lover. Every time we go to the beach you are like a swivel head trying to look at all the scantily clad women.
Reasons to hate Valentine’s Day: 1 You may be under the impression that you only need to show love one day a year. Nope. I’m gonna need 365. 2 There is so much pressure on the gift. The girl isn’t expecting much until her girlfriends get in her ear and the guy has no idea what is going to make her happy and keep him out of trouble. 3 Sometimes the gift you get makes you wonder if he knows who the hell you are. (I hate chocolate covered cherries. A teddy bear? When have you ever seen me with a bear? 4 Every restaurant is overcrowded which makes it hard to have an intimate ambiance. 5 You spent $50 on the flowers. Next time give me the money. These poor roses will be dead in three days. 6 People make you feel like something is wrong with you if you happen to be single on Valentine’s Day. What’s wrong with spending the night with some beer. 7 The public displays of affection are nauseating. Go get a room. I’m trying to eat over here. 8 Greeting cards are a waste of time. I don’t want to read someone elses words. Just tell me you love me and let’s go upstairs already. 9 For men dating, it feels like being tested once a year to see if she wants to stay in the relationship. 10 It’s a day that costs too much money and takes much more than a day to pay off. Maybe just hit snooze next year.
1 Can we count tomorrow night as our official wedding night? I am so insanely tired that I am going to pass out immediately. 2 OMG, I have a new last name. My old last name is gone forever! Who am I? 3 I wore this gown all day. Get me out of it! 4 You are so sweet to carry me over the threshold. Bonk. That was my head. 5 Yep, this is me without makeup. What do you mean you wish you would have known that before you said I do! 6 He is fast asleep when you walk into the bedroom. Did I take that long in the bathroom? 7 It’s 1 a.m. Why did we plan our honeymoon for the next day if we have to get up at 5 a.m? Hurry up and sleep. 8 Want to order room service? I forgot to eat today. Yes, I know there was a lot of food. Blame it on the photographer. 9 My veil seems to be stuck in my head permanently. There is so much hairspray in my head that the bobby pins are glued to my head too. 10 Are you spinning the bed, or is this a water bed? Oh boy! I may have drunk a little too much.
1 How much do you make? None of your business. 2 Politics. Skip. Next. This isn’t going to end well. 3 Diets. Especially at a wedding. Don’t make me feel bad about eating. I think you were assigned to a different table. 4 The stock market. Listen, I can talk circles around you about sports but the stock market isn’t going to get you a second date with me. 5 Sex life. Whoa, I don’t know you. If you are trying to impress me then you should leave. 6 How old am I? Old enough to kick your butt. 7 Gossiping about others in the room. You may want to take a look in the mirror before you talk about others. 8 Telling me about all of your past relationships on a first date. Wow! You have one more ex to add to your list. I can see why they leave you! 9 Someone droning on and on about ailments or bad relationships making you feel like you have to send out an SOS. 10 Talking with someone who wants to be the center of attention. Excuse me. You don’t need me to have a conversation. Enjoy!
1 You try on every outfit in your closet. Before you know it, every piece of clothing you own is on the bed or the floor. 2 You talk so much that you even get tired of listening. Thankfully he is digging you and grabs your hand. It is sweaty. Now you have to apologize for that too. 3 You wonder if you will ever hear from him again. How long is he going to make you hang before he dials your number? 4 One person is running late leaving the other person waiting and wondering if they have been ghosted. 5 You have a drink to calm your nerves and another and another. Your nerves are gone but now you have to hope you behave and not do something you will regret the next day. 6 You want to get the first kiss over with so that you know if there are sparks or if it’s time for see ya later. 7 You are afraid to eat because you don’t want to eat so much that you look like a pig or too little because you will look like a starving model. The other thing is worrying about food getting caught in your tooth. 8 You want to present your best self with great conversation and laughs but sound super awkward instead. You are sure this guy is gonna lose your number and you get into an argument with yourself when the date is over. 9 You feel like you are going on a job interview and wish you could skip the interview and get hired for the girlfriend job. 10 Things went really well. Do you invite him in for tea? Who are you kidding? You can’t wait to rip his clothes off. You decide to wait until the second date. You had enough nervousness for one night. There’s always next time. Ciao for now.
1 No matter who does something wrong, you are the one who gets yelled at because you should know better. 2 Your parents tried out their disciplining skills on you and gave up with the other kid. 3 You are expected to babysit for free. 4 You have a curfew and there is hell to pay if you are late. 5 You were never allowed to make a noise when they were sleeping. 6 The younger sibling made up stuff when they were mad at you and your parents believed them. 7 You are a parent with no authority years before your time. 8 You make your younger sibling your personal assistant until she dimes you out. 9 You send your little minion to ask mom and dad for things because she was too cute for them to say no to her. 10 You were like an explorer trying to see what you could get away with while the youngest got away with murder.
Why you should stay away from each other when you are mad:
1 You are Italian and like to throw things. (1,2,3 duck!) 2 You have a habit of bringing up incidents from years ago instead of the argument at hand. (I still haven’t forgiven you for being late on our wedding day. Now this!) 3 When you get mad you get irrational. (You always put me down and probably don’t like me.) 4 You get mad and go for the jugular. You will say anything to make the person mad. (Go ahead and play your video games! I will do everything as usual.) 5 Your spouse purposely uses “whatever” to get you going. (Oh no you didn’t!) 6 You are so competitive that you refuse to lose an argument. (Nope it was absolutely your fault.) 7 You have temper tantrums when you get angry. (You left the toilet seat up and I went for a swim!) Slam the door for effect. 8 You play the blame game. (You woke up in a bad mood and were looking to pick a fight.) 9 You haven’t learned how to say sorry. (Sorry for what?) 10 You are in a bad mood and picking a fight. (Who folded these towels!? A two-year-old could fold them better)