Signs you are drunk 1 You have to hold onto the grass so you don’t fall off the earth. 2 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat 3 You can focus better with one eye closed 4 When the tree you swerve to miss is your air freshener 5 You think your dishwasher tablet is a giant sweet tart 6 You sit down on the toilet and try to put your seatbelt on 7 You put your food in the microwave and enter your pin number 8 You think the floor is uneven 9 You go to bed with a ten and wake up with a zero 10 You look around to see who keeps pushing you on the floor
Beach fails: 1 You look great in your string bikini but it isn’t made to go into the ocean. A wave comes along and takes your bikini top with it. You are left holding your boobs in your hands. 2 The ocean is rough and you are having a tough time out there with the riptide. Your family thinks you are having the time of your life and waves to you. 3 When you try to act cool walking into the ocean and a wave smacks you down a few notches. 4 You set up right by the water and get something to eat, forgetting about high tide. When you come back you think someone stole your stuff. It’s all in the ocean dummy! 5 You catch the perfect wave or so you think. Sadly you caught the top of the wave and are caught in a washing machine. Every time you try to get up, you are knocked back under. 6 Running in the sand to jump on a skimboard. You wipe out as soon as you hit it. 7 Having a crab grab your big toe and hold on for dear life and you kick as hard as you can to free your toe. 8 You float on your raft and the ocean decides to kidnap you. 9 You mistake a dolphin for a shark and almost drown yourself trying to safely get to shore. 10 Standing ankle-deep in water only to get plowed down by a little kid on a boogie board.
Things we forget to pack for vacation: 1 For the love of God, don’t dare forget the phone chargers. You can’t survive without your lifeline to civilization. 2 Sunscreen will cost you a fortune if you forget it. They know they have you by the cajones. 3 A blowdryer. Now your hair is curling in all of the wrong places and your reflection lets you know you look ridiculous. 4 A hoodie. You are so excited to go to the beach that cold nights don’t even cross your mind. You try to do without but your teeth chatter and your nipples could cut glass. Off to the souvenir shop! 5 Scissors. Now you are removing tags from clothes with your teeth. 6 A razor. Unless you go buy one, you will have to pluck the hairs out one by one or go with a hairy European look. 7 Your passport. Now it is a race against time to floor it like a Nascar driver and get back before the plane takes off. 8 You are on vacation without a hat, hair tie, or sunglasses. Your hair keeps blowing in your face and your face isn’t protected from the sun. 9 Sneakers. You remembered flip flops and cute shoes to go with your night time outfits. You forgot playing shoes. Better get used to bare feet. 10 You forgot your birth control and aren’t in the U.S. Oh boy! Your husband is not going to enjoy this vacation.
Uncomfortable moments at the gym: 1 Using the abductor machine and making eye contact with the cutest guy in the gym. Great your legs are wide open when he smiles at you. You just gave him the wrong impression. Good job! 2 taking a sip of water while running on the treadmill. Instead of it hitting your mouth, it is all down the front of you. 3 Seeing someone you know who wants to chit chat while you look like an unattractive sweaty wreck. 4 Laying on your stomach while bringing up your legs on a machine and the personal trainer is trying to get your attention. Please go away. 5 You go to the locker room and someone is parading around in their birthday suit. I am so glad you are in love with your body but I really don’t want to see it. Please get dressed. 6 When the drill sargent instructor decides to shame you in front of the class. Excuse me dick, I don’t pay for you to insult me so you better giddy up. 7 When skinny show offs prance around for everyone else to see. You don’t even eat enough to go to a gym. GET OUT. 8 You are sweating out of every pore of your body at spin class. You have to hold on tight to avoid slipping off of the bike. 9 When you have no clue how to use a machine but attempt it anyway and use it wrong. Woopsie. 10 Walking away from the treadmill while your headphones are still plugged in. You feel like you are being lassoed back.
Funny things some beginner golfers do: 1 They try to hit the ball off of the tee but swing and miss. Again and again. Twenty shots later you are still going. This isn’t a batting range. Everyone is looking at you and barely swallowing their laugh. You finally pick the ball up and put it in your pocket and skip that hole. It’s probably just first hole stage fright because everyone watching. 2 You see everyone taking practice shots before they hit the ball. You do your best to make everyone think you know what you are doing. You tip the ball and it falls off the tee. NO don’t count that! I didn’t mean to hit it. 3 You try to kill the ball so that it goes the furthest. The macho man in you has to show how much power you have. Good job. Now your ball has hooked or sliced instead of going straight. Good luck finding it. 4 You hit the ball and cup you hand above your eyes to see how far it went. Wow it must be on the green! Hee hee hee. Your ball is right by your foot. Embarrassing. 5 You can’t hit the ball out of the sand. Sand is flying everywhere but the ball remains. The only thing you managed to do is dig a hole with your club. 6 You think you are too good for the golfing range. Anyone can hit a ball. You don’t need practice. Don’t be surprised when your friends don’t ask you to come along anymore because you take too long. 7 Overcompensating by buying ridiculously expensive equipment thinking it will make you play better. Hey buddy, you still play pathetic. 8 Throwing temper tantrums because you are playing lousy. Stringing curse words together and throwing clubs is not going to make your game better. You big donkey. Calm down or your game will get a whole lot worse. 9 You kick your ball or move it when no one is looking because you don’t like the location. Cheater!! 10 Hitting the ball at the same time as someone else on the green. This isn’t mini golf. You are disqualified.
camping might not be for you if: 1 You are a hairy guy. Someone may think you are a bear scavenging for food and shoot your ass. 2 You have no clue how to pitch a tent. Hours later it looks like it was stuck in a tornado. Everyone has to sleep in the car. 3 You can’t light a fire without gasoline and a blow torch. 4 You need gps to find your tent at night. 5 You don’t enjoy nature very much. Between the bugs, animals, and strange noises you feel like you are stuck in a horror movie. 6 It rains and you didn’t hang a tarp over the tent. It’s a muddy mess and your tent is ready to set sail with all the water. 7 You walk around barefoot and get sap all over your feet. It won’t come off no matter how hard you try. Now you are part human part sasquatch. 8 You think the bath houses have soap and shampoo like a luxury hotel. You are sadly mistaken and have to go au naturale. 9 You think your husband is trying to get frisky tickling you. He tells you it’s not him. You look under the cover to see a snake 🐍 cozying up to you. 10 You bring a case of beer figuring you will buy food at the camp store. Problem is it’s not a supermarket. You have to serve snacks and pass it off as a meal.
Don’t use horoscopes as scripture: 1 Some use it to find out what their day is going to be like. You can’t tell me that millions of people are going to have the same day as you. Fate? Nope. Don’t think so. 2 Horoscopes list generalizations that most likely apply to you. If it says that music will be a big part of your day, don’t think it’s a coincidence when you find yourself at an outdoor concert. It’s not a coincidence when you make it happen. 3 Some use horoscope advice as guidance for making a big decision. You might as well flip a coin instead. You have a 50/50 chance. 4 You become addicted to reading your horoscope every day so that you know what to expect in your life. You do know that they just state the obvious right? Everyone has a bad day, relationship problems, conflict, job issues, etc. Tell me something I don’t know. C’mon impress me. 5 Some singles use it to find out when love will be dropping into their life. Girls you don’t need a newspaper to find love. Go dress up and shake your money maker. It’s magic. 6 Some read that they will be experiencing money troubles in the near future. They go on a spending spree since there will be a shortage of money soon. You have money trouble now. 7 Others check to see how healthy they will be. Go to the doctor. Better yet, crack open a fortune cookie. It may give you wisdom. 8 Some read that they are going to lose something important today and drive themselves bonkers wondering what is going to be lost. Turns out the only thing you lost is your mind and for no reason. 9 Your horoscope says you will be creative today. All of a sudden you turn into Martha Stewart coming up with wonderful new creative ideas and projects. 10 You read that you will be experiencing conflict with your mate. You try to avoid disputes at all costs but pick a fight with your husband so that you can get it out of the way. Do I read my horoscope? Occasionally. There is nothing wrong with a mood booster but don’t live your life by it.
Cruise ship expectations and reality: 1 The pool area looks so luxurious and spacious. Reality – There are 500 people trying to swim in the pool and people save chairs from the crack ass of down so you have nowhere to sit. It looks like spring break in Ft. Lauderdale. 2 You are going to get a nice spacious room with a deck. Reality – That costs a lot extra. You have to crawl up to your pillow because the walls are right up against the sides of the bed. The shower is the size of a camper shower. You try to shave but there is no room to bend over and lifting your leg up against the wall is not a possibility. 3 You are single and think that your room rate will be cut in half since you are one person. Think again. You get to pay the special two-person price. 4 You are guaranteed to have beautiful weather since you are on a luxurious cruise ship. Wrong Again! If you are lucky enough for it to be windy the entire time, you will be blown away every time the automatic doors open to the decks. The higher swells will test your seasickness. You won’t need to roll over in bed since you will roll like a hot dog on a rotisserie. 5 You spent thousands of dollars on your cruise so you assume excursions are included. In reality, you will spend $1,000 more to be adventurous. 6 Your alcohol runs on a tab that goes on your credit card. The last night of the cruise, they sneakily slip it under your door because they are too ashamed to hand it to you face to face. There goes another $1,000 if you are a big drinker. 7 You are really excited to spend time in each port to explore. Unfortunately, they only give you enough time to experience a peep show of each port. They really want to see how many people they can leave behind that don’t make it back to the ship in time. 8 They have men who stand outside of the food areas singing a washy washy your hands song. If you don’t want to sanitize, NO FOOD FOR YOU! 9 You are so excited about the opportunity to see some celebrity entertainment. You are living in the lap of luxury baby! Yo buddy, nobody famous here. That is on a special ship. 10 You take a stroll past the control room so that you can see the captain and his sidekick drive the ship. The area is covered in glass so that you can look in from the outside except no one is in there. So the ship is driving itself and we are in the middle of the ocean on the way to Bermuda. Hello, shouldn’t someone be in there to make sure everything is running smoothly? Did you ever hear of the Bermuda Triangle? Better bend over so I can kiss my ass goodbye.
1 The dreaded plank – I bet you wish you didn’t eat that big meal. Now you have to hold up all of your weight with your hands to remind you that you could stand to lose a few pounds. 2 burpees – down, squat, thrust, up. Oh my God, make up your mind! 3 push ups – As if the plank wasn’t bad enough, now you have to lower your body weight and bring it back up and down and up. Ugghh. 4 running up and down bleachers – it makes your legs burn and they feel like they are going to fall off. Either that or you are going to take a tumble. 5 Squats are bad enough but then with the barbell squat you have to carry extra weight while you squat. It feels like a punishment. 6 Chest flys are torturous. You have to take those weights and open up your arms like wings. It feels like you are going to pop a rib. 7 Sprinting – Run as fast as you can like someone is chasing you. I have a lot of junk in the trunk so it’s gonna take me a second. If anyone was ever chasing me, I would be in a world of trouble. 8 Pull ups – There is no plural for me. A single pull up would be a miracle. I can’t do it no matter how hard I try. I even tried standing on a chair to help me out. It just isn’t going to happen. 9 Jump squats – Who thinks of these exercises? Let’s jump and end up in a squat. Do I look like Spiderman? 10 Ah the dreaded bench press where you have a spotter. You had to be a cool guy and put extra weight on. Now you can’t finish your reps and have to confess to your spotter that you need his help. Now he can tell everyone that you wimped out.
Things you attempt to do even though you can’t swim:
1 You take a cruise for your vacation which requires traveling across the ocean. Hopefully you can get in one of the little boats if the ship sinks, otherwise you will be shark bait. 2 You are in a canoe silently praying to God the entire time that you don’t fall into the lake. You would have worn swimmies if it didn’t look so ridiculous. 3 You slide down a water slide and are flying through the tubes. You are going so fast that you plunge underwater when you hit the pool. Great, you are going to die in front of all these people! You stand up and realize the water isn’t even over your head. I knew all along! I was just messing with you. 4 You are in the ocean and the water is up to your chest. It’s cool because you are out there with your man. Oh boy here comes a big one. Son of a beach! Suddenly you are swept off of your feet and your man is no where in sight. Bye Bye everyone. Sand scrapes your belly, and you realize the wave brought you back to shore. I’m alive! 5 You don’t take a bath for fear of going under and drowning. 6 You go snorkeling with a life jacket and think you are safe. Suddenly you have water in your mouth and are drowning. No one told you not to go too far under or your snorkel tube would go under water. Only you can figure out new ways to drown. 7 You are swimming in an in-ground pool and all of your friends are in the deep end. You join them but hover near the wall so that you are safe. 8 You go rafting in a mild current. It will be like a lazy river, right? Wrong. Your raft gets stuck and you jump in to get unstuck. Problem is you don’t have the strength to lift yourself back in and the water is over your head. You hold on to the tube and act like you would rather be on the outside. Why me? 9 When you go to a pool bar and are feeling no pain. It’s dangerous when you get off of the stool and are having trouble with balance. In this condition, you could probably drown in an inch of water. Brilliant idea. 10 You are in a kayak with a life vest so what could go wrong? Somehow you managed to flip over and can’t get out. Then you remember the grab loop and you are free! I am signing up for swimming lessons tomorrow.