Signs You Aren’t Athletic 1 You wear workout clothes but don’t workout 2 After two minutes of activity, you are sprawled out on the ground waiting for the ambulance 3 The only thing you are good at is catching balls with your face 4 You get lapped when running the track 5 As a kid, you were always picked last when picking teams 6 Last time you exercised, you were paralyzed the next day 7 You have to copy off the guy next to you at the gym to do weights and machines 8 You always get hurt because of your lack of hand-eye coordination 9 The pressure of the kick return was too much for you. You ran to the locker room. 10 You throw out your back from swinging the bat and striking out every time.
When I sing: 1 My kickass alter ego comes out to perform. 2 I might be average, but I made a commitment when that first note fell out of my mouth. 3 Okay, here comes the high part. This time, I’m gonna dig deep and sing from my pinky toe. Here goes. Oh boy, the dogs in the neighborhood are howling. 4 If you want to hear my best performance, you will need to follow me up to the shower. The acoustics are amazing!! 5 My dogs jump up and kiss me when I sing. Not sure if I am that good or if they think I am crying. 6 Some of my best singing is in the car. I back up the celebrities 7 I can remember words to any song but forget that person’s name I was just introduced to a few minutes ago. 8 Don’t talk to me when I am in the middle of a song. Wait for the mic drop. Rude! 9 I hear a recording of myself singing and say, “What kind of cheap crap did you record that on? It didn’t do my voice any justice. 10 I sing with a lot of emotion on my face. No, I don’t have to go to the bathroom!
Things that are hard to do while skating on the ice: 1 Sneeze without falling. When I sneeze, it feels like it comes from my toes. 2 Make a fist fight look anything but ridiculous. Hockey players look ridiculous, so imagine how a recreational skater would look. You can’t keep your balance, and you throw a punch and end up face down on the ice. 3 Socializing with other skaters to get to know them a little better. It’s hard enough to skate let alone move from person to person. Too much work. 4 Wearing something sexy and revealing, because you have to bundle up. You would freeze without a coat and everyone would be able to tell by the obvious high beams. 5 Turning up the heat to keep warm. All of a sudden the ice would turn into a puddle of water. 6 Eating a snack without stopping because you are trying to maximize your time. 7 Power stop to impress your date. I can’t even stop unless there is a wall to stop me. 8 Answering a text. I need both hands to keep my balance and to use as brakes. 9 Making out. Oh boy. Closing your eyes while skating. Not the best idea. 10 Reversing direction and skating against traffic. You are taking your life in your hands and making people lose their focus.
1 They look beautiful in their pics and you look ridiculous. 2 They never ask if you are ready before snapping a pic. 3 They wait until you have a mouth full of food. 4 They get your worst angle and post the pic without your permission. You are appalled when you see yourself on facebook. 5 There is something in your tooth but you had no idea since you weren’t planning on a picture. 6 You try to avoid them like the plague. You have to hide all night so that you don’t find yourself on the internet the next day. 7 You can’t fully enjoy yourself because you are always looking over your shoulder to make sure the coast is clear. 8 The entire day is documented with a cell phone. It’s like inviting the paparazzi. 9 You wonder how they can have a good time when they are always taking pictures. 10 They only retake the picture if they don’t look good. If you don’t look good, you get ignored. Too bad. Live with it.
What to say to your child when they say “I’m bored”:
1 “Okay, you can help with some chores.” 2 “Here, read this book.” 3 “Take out the trash.” 4 “You can come food shopping with me.” 5 “You can mow the lawn for your father.” 6 “Why don’t you work on your report for school and get it out of the way?” 7 “Let’s go get that haircut for you right now.” 8 “Perfect, go through your closet and get rid of the clothes you don’t wear anymore.” 9 “Go play with your sister.” 10”Let’s go for a long walk.”
1 Clean? NO WAY! I can think of a million things better to do. 2 Exercise? Very funny. That’s too much work. 3 Eat at a restaurant since one meal is pretty cheap. Oh, this is super awkward. I have no one to talk to and if I look up, the table next to me thinks I am a weirdo. Waitress, can I get this to go? 4 Dye my hair and look on the computer for vacation spots while it processes. I am a multi-tasker. Oh God, I left it on 15 minutes too long. My hair is jet black and I look totally goth. 5 Soak in the tub? Nah. I would probably doze off and drown. 6 Rearrange my bedroom. I can do this. Help. My mattress has me pinned against the wall. Anyone? 7 I know. Shopping! Oh, I only have $20. I might be able to buy half a shirt. Nevermind. It will be the world’s quickest shopping trip. 8 Turn the radio up and have a dance party by myself. It feels amazing until I turn around and see everyone back home early laughing at me. Get out! 9 I decide to try out my sewing machine by following a pattern and making a tee shirt. When I am done, it is only big enough for a Barbie. 10 Watch a movie because I never get the remote or have time to sit that long. This is gonna be great. I wake up 4 hours later. My night is over and I have nothing to show for it.
1 You are playing with someone too competitive. Their mission is to kick your butt at any cost. What part of this is fun? 2 You are playing charades with someone who is a horrible guesser. Can I trade partners? 3 Some people pull the rule book out every time it is your turn. They become the game police. 4 Your friend cheats and is appalled when you call them out. Someone is in denial. 5 You are playing with a sore loser who has a temper tantrum like an overgrown brat when they lose. Makes you want to play again. 6 The game takes too long and you feel like you are wasting your life. 7 The people you are playing with keep changing the rules to their advantage. 8 People take the game too personally when you give them a bad card. Okay if you insist, I did it on purpose. Geez. 9 The winner clears the pieces off of the board without realizing that you continue playing for second place. 10 You are playing scrabble and can’t spell to save your life.
1 Your shoes look like you are ready to join the circus 🎪. 2 If you go past the foul line, you become the ball and fly down the lane. 3 The thumb hole on the ball either gives you a blister or breaks your nail. What the heck! 4 The harder you try to do better, the worse you do. 5 When did bowling 🎳 become so expensive? $8 a game and you go home mad at your score. 6 You throw a strike ball and get a split. Now you know the pins are messing with you. 7 Your approach is looking good. Your arm swings back and so does the ball. Run for cover! 8 You trip and know that when you turn around, EVERYONE is watching 👀. 9 The only way you are gonna do better is if you put the bumpers up. 10 The lane next to you never heard of bowling etiquette. They don’t wait for you to go. Right before you throw the ball, they mess up your concentration by throwing their ball.
Anyone with a competitive bone in their body cares about losing. People say the craziest things when they try to make losing look good:
1 It was a great game. (Well it would have been a great game if we won!) 2 Cheer up. There is always next year. (Oh great! Just what I wanted to hear. I get to wait another year.) 3 Losing is part of the game. (Next year I want to be drafted on the best team. I refuse to go through losing again.) 4 Losing doesn’t mean you failed. (OMG, that’s exactly what it means.) 5 It’s only a game. (If it is only a game, why do I bother playing?) 6 You may have lost but never give up. (Ok genius, that’s exactly what happened.) 7 You need to lose to appreciate winning. (I really don’t think so. I feel great when my professional sports teams win. No need to bore me with losing.) 8 Somebody needs to lose. (Yeah I don’t remember volunteering.) 9 Even though you lost, you really won. (I don’t know what you are smoking but maybe if you share, I will understand.) 10 The world loves a great loser. (That’s awesome because I am great at losing.)