When you try to quit smoking: 1 You fly off the handle at the simplest question. 2 You find new annoying qualities of the people around you. 3 Seeing someone else smoke a cigarette is like watching porn. It is in slow motion and teasing you and you can’t look away. 4 You are now chewing gum and sucking lollipops at the same time. 5 Your coffee just doesn’t taste as good anymore. 6 You stare at a cigarette butt on the ground and contemplate picking it up. 7 Someone tells you to try eating a carrot instead. They are no longer with us. 8 You go outside for your ten minute break and suddenly remember you don’t smoke. 9 You need to have a drag and sneak around like a ninja so that no one catches you in the act. 10 Instead of smoking, you eat when you get an urge. Now you are 300 pounds and no one recognizes you.
1 Everyone is staring at you, and you forget everything you were going to say. 2 Your voice is shaking as if someone is holding a gun and forcing you to speak. They may as well be since you have no interest to be standing in front of all of these people. 3 You are swaying back and forth like a zombie and sweating under your pits. Your heart is racing so fast that you have no idea if you will be alive at the end of your speech. 4 Why is it so important to stand up to address the crowd? It would be so much easier to sit on a stool so that you feel like you are among friends. 5 No one in the crowd is smiling. Geez, if you don’t entertain them, they may come after you. 6 You lose your train of thought as you are speaking and start to trip all over your words. You laugh at yourself but no one else does. Tough crowd; and they didn’t even pay admission. 7 You are finally on a roll and your professor asks you to slow down. Give me a break. You are a good sport so you start speaking again. This time he asks you to speak up. Hey if you think this is easy, why don’t you do it? 8 When you ask if there are any questions, everyone raises their hand. Don’t you realize it was rhetorical? 9 You feel like a total wreck when you are done speaking. You feel like you have been through a war. Shouldn’t you get paid for this? 10 Someone pull the fire alarm! Get me out of here.
1 vacation – I can see the light at the end of any tunnel if I have something to look forward to. 2 a good dessert – Tell me that you are taking me out to dinner and I will clean without one complaint thinking about that rich chocolatey dessert that I will savor with each heavenly bite. 3 Benjamins – money talks and makes me run instead of walk 4 Good pizza – Just send me the address and I won’t mind a nice, scenic car ride. 5 The beach- All of my troubles instantly melt away. Problems? I don’t have any. 6 Nice people – It feels great to be around people who truly enjoy your company and have nowhere better to be. 7 A great sale- It makes you feel like you got away with something and you can’t wait to tell everyone. 8 My doggies – They are excited just to have me walk through the door and help me forget the small stuff. 9 Presents 🎁- I love ❤️ presents no matter how old I am. I don’t get it when people say they don’t need presents. Over here!! I’ll take it. 10 Homemade chocolate chip cookies 🍪- They are yummy licious. I will even eat the cookie dough.
1 You are telling a joke and have everyone’s attention only to forget the punch line. 2 Someone tells a joke and you don’t get it until the middle of the night and then start laughing. 3 You get mad when people don’t laugh at the joke and continue to tell it to change their response. 4 You speak in a monotone and just aren’t funny no matter what you say. 5 The person you are telling it to gets offended and you are no longer speaking. 6 The person listens attentively and when you get to the punch line, they say it before you do. 7 The person doesn’t know the subject matter of your joke so you have to go back and explain it in great detail and then tell the joke again. Somehow it isn’t funny anymore. 8 You tell the joke and no one laughs. Someone else tells it and the same people are rolling all over the floor. 9 Your audience stinks. After your joke, you hear crickets. 10 No one can relate to your joke. Awkward. Walk away!!!
1 Riding shotgun – There are only 2 feet between the front and back seats. You might think it was in another car the way the kids carry on. 2 Taking the first shower – One sibling wasn’t interested in taking a shower until the other sibling said they were taking one. Before you know it, there is a race up the steps. 3 Who is going to help mom – One child isn’t interested until you ask the other child. Then they start fighting over who is going to help. 4 Who the dog loves more – The poor dog runs to one sibling and an all-out war starts about who the dog likes better. 5 Who is better at video games – The friendly dinner conversation turns into a food fight. 6 Who received the better Xmas gifts- They can’t just say both of us. Instead, there is a contest gift by gift to debate over which one is better. 7 The favorite child – Each child is convinced that they hold the title even though there is no favorite. 8 The remote is like the key to the kingdom. Wrestling breaks out and tv time becomes WWE. 9 Throwing your sibling under the bus to mom and dad – Oh there will be hell to pay as soon as you are out of sight from mom and dad’s watchful eyes. 10 Looking at each other- Mom, he is looking at me!! This drives you insane, especially when they fight over who is staring. Close your eyes.
1 Fall out dying laughter -You are watching tv and something funny happens to make you have an unplanned outburst of laughter. No one else has to be in the room with you. 2 Evil laugh – Your team wins at the last minute and you let out a tension laugh aimed at the losing team. 3 Forced courtesy laugh – someone said something that they thought was funny. You have to laugh out of obligation, but you can barely get it out. 4 Snorting laugh – something is so funny and you can’t breathe and laugh at the same time. The result is a snort that sounds like a snore. 5 Nervous laugh – You are in an awkward situation and the only thing you can think of doing is to laugh to fill the silence. By the looks you are getting, everyone thinks you are crazy.. 6 A giggle – You overhear someone saying something ridiculous but don’t want to be too loud or they will hear you laugh. 7 A belly laugh – The contagious laugh that makes everyone else around you laugh. They even forget why they started laughing. 8 Cackler – You can identify their laugh as the loudest in the room. They sound like a chicken laying an egg. 9 Rich person laugh – It is very proper and sounds more like a melody. It is very sing-songy. 10 Hysterical laughter – increases in intensity the longer the laugh goes on. Sometimes makes your eyes tear.
1 They criticize your stuff. No one said you had to buy it. C’ya later. 2 People are impatiently waiting while you are setting up, and the sale doesn’t start for an hour. No loitering. Learn how to read a clock. 3 People switching tags or pocketing items. I can clearly see you! 4 They try to return stuff after they bought it “as is”. This isn’t a department store. All sales are final. You bought it, so it is all yours. 5 They rudely insist on paying a lower price and can buy it cheaper somewhere else. Don’t let the door hit you in the arse. 6 They haggle with you over prices. This isn’t Let’s Make A Deal. This is Buy It Or Get Lost. 7 They pay with a $100 bill. I have change for a $20. This isn’t a bank. 8 They ask for boxes and bags when their car is parked at the curb. Would you like that gift wrapped too? 9 They want to use your restroom. Only if you buy the rest of my stuff. Otherwise NO. 10 They try to swindle your kid when they take over while you take a quick break. Luckily your kid takes after you.
1 Anything is better than the sound of nothing. It drives us crazy. 2 We begin to think of reasons why the person isn’t talking to us. 3 We become so nervous that we have no clue that we are babbling away. 4 Some people love to talk and don’t actually need another person to have a conversation. They can handle both sides. 5 We need to know what the other person is thinking. It is like cracking a code. 6 We feel like we failed as a social butterfly. 7 We feel bad because we mistakenly think the other person is stuck in their shell and we are just the person to get them out. 8 They are usually the life of the party so if the other person doesn’t want to engage with them, they will lose their title. 9 Silence is an abyss and we accept the challenge to fill it. 10 If we aren’t talking with someone then we are all alone with our thoughts and issues. Oh no! It’s so much easier to be entertaining.#blog #top10 #funny #silence
1 Don’t look like you are about to kill someone. Turn that frown upside down. 2 Don’t rush your guests by bringing food before they are ready. It’s nice to have time to chew and enjoy the experience instead of it feeling like a food eating contest. 3 Don’t hide from me. I don’t want to play hide and seek. 4 Be attentive to when your customer wants another drink. Not everyone is a two beer mouseketeer. 5 If you are going to flirt with my man, send some sugar my way too or you don’t stand a chance. 6 Don’t make me track you down for my bill. It’s not like I am looking forward to paying. 7 Don’t correct my pronunciation of the meal and make me feel stupid. I don’t need lessons 8 Don’t tell me something costs extra like I can’t afford it. 9 If you don’t know about a menu item, find out. “I don’t know” looks like you don’t work there. 10 Don’t put the check in front of me just because I look like the oldest one at the table. Let someone else reach for their wallet.
1 Excuse me. I’m sorry I have to go to the bathroom again. No, it can’t wait. I guess you will have to arrest me because I am going. 2 Can I be the judge now? 3 Give a standing ovation and yell well done after each lawyer speaks. 4 You can have my verdict now. He is GUILTY. I don’t need any more evidence. If I go no I can still make my lunch date. 5 The defense lawyer tried to pick me up at a bar last year. I think that is a conflict of interest. 6 I refuse to work for $5 a day. I have no choice but to call the number on my labor poster since this is way under minimum wage. 7 Make yourself look 9 months pregnant and ready to drop a baby so that both lawyers want you to go as quickly as possible. 8 Look off into space and when anyone asks you a question, look confused about your surroundings. 9 You said I can’t talk about the case to anyone else and that is physically impossible for me. I can’t hold a secret. 10 Keep nodding off during jury selection.