1 Walk home from work. Hopefully, you live closeby. 2 Buy a puppy and act like you don’t know where it came from when your husband asks. 3 Quit your job and just pretend to go to work in the morning. 4 Every time something upsets you, say “Cheers” and take a shot. After a while nothing will bother you. 5 Throw something at the person stressing you out. They may not feel better but you will. 6 Slap someone and tell them it was a mosquito. 7 If you are stressed eat desserts. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. 8 Put your work away and color. 9 Take an afternoon nap. Your boss will not know what to say. 10 Forget about yoga. Get an ice cream.
Just say no: 1 When one more task will push you over the edge of the cliff. You do realize there are only 24 hours in a day no matter how you slice it? 2 When you know you can’t deliver on the promise you just made. You aren’t a magician. 3 When the person asking is trying to make you feel bad so that you will say yes. Don’t fall for it! It’s trickery. 4 You can do it! Stand in front of a mirror and practice. Once you get started, you won’t remember how to say yes. 5 No one says you have to give an answer immediately. Sleep on it and pray that the person finds some other sucker to do it by morning. 6 When the person is always asking for favors and using you to get what they want. Say no pinocchio. You aren’t anyone’s puppet. 7 That little voice in your head is telling you it’s a bad idea. If you don’t listen, you will only find out later that the little voice was right. 8 If the favor you are doing is going to stress you out then it is not worth the hassle. 9 When someone asks you for money all the time. You aren’t a bank! If you keep giving away money, who will pay your bills? 10 If your special favor involves missing one of your kid’s events. They will remember and hold it against you for as long as they can get away with it. It will cost you way more than saying no would have.
Why Diets Can Fail: 1 You want to lose thirty pounds by the weekend and will do whatever it takes. 2 You get on the scale the day after starting your diet and are disappointed by the numbers. That’s it, I’m done. Pass the cookies. 3 You go on a diet the day before vacation and make everyone miserable including yourself. Just eat already. 4 You are so hungry by dinner that you pull up a chair to the refrigerator and dig in. 5 To lose weight you will not eat more than 500 calories a day. Period. 6 You want to lose weight without exercising. 7 You can’t understand why you aren’t losing weight after drinking a case of beer. 8 You trust a restaurant to feed you the right portions for your diet. 9 You forget to account for everything you ate. You already told yourself the candy bar was because you were stressed and the doritos were because you worked hard and deserved it. 10 You misread food labels and ate about 8 servings too many. Oh boy.
You may sweat to much if: 1 You work out and it feels like you took a shower. When you attempt to lay down on a workout bench, you fall to the floor. 2 You have to pack an extra five shirts in case you need to change. 3 You have to walk around with your arms pinned to your sides so no one sees the pit stains. 4 You get out of bed and an outline of your body remains on the sheet. 5 You eat hot peppers and your forehead has beads of sweat. 6 You can’t text because your fingers are too slippery. 7 You can’t see because sweat keeps dripping into your eyes. 8 You fall in the sand and look like a powdered donut when you stand up. 9 You immediately have a sweatstache the minute you walk out the door. 10 You can’t wear sunglasses because they slide off your face.
Irrational funeral fears: 1 Kneeling and praying next to the casket hoping that the person doesn’t sit up or grab you. Pray faster! 2 Tripping in the grass at the cemetery hoping you don’t accidentally fall in the hole. This isn’t a permanent stay. 3 Worrying that you will bring home some unwanted spooky guests from the cemetery. It’s hard to kick them out of the house when you can’t see them. 4 The person in front of you in the funeral car procession might floor it. You are out of luck because you are in Timbuktu and have no clue where you are, and people from them parts don’t know where Jersey is! 5 You don’t want to go to the bathroom in the funeral parlor. The funeral director looks like he could use a few pints of blood. 6 As you are praying, you swear you see the person take a breath. You get caught holding a mirror up to their nose for signs of life. 7 Your loved one looks like a bad wax version of themself. IMPOSTER! You sit in the chair waiting for the real person to walk in 8 The priest, who had no idea who your loved one is, talks about them like a long-lost friend. I thought lying was a no-no. Maybe the guest of honor would like to sit up and say a few words? 9 Your aunt never would have worn her hair like that or button up the top button of her dress. Someone is going to get haunted for this! 10 You never go to church and you are afraid that there will be two funerals because you are about to go up in flames 🔥
Dear 2021: 1 How much longer do I have to wear a face mask that makes me feel like a bank robber everywhere I go? 2 Can you tell mother nature I asked for one good snowstorm, not ten. 3 I need this summer to be the kick covid in the ass celebration. 4 Is this all happening because I canceled those plans? Geez, punish me for not wanting to attend one event. 5 I am going to throw my planner away soon since I have nothing to plan. 6 Instead of safe sex, everyone is practicing a safe distance of six feet apart. 7 For the last year, something fun to do consisted of going into a different room of the house. 8 Every time I cough or sniffle, I have to prove to everyone that I don’t have the Rona. 9 When I said I wanted some time to myself, I didn’t mean that I wanted to be put in isolation. 10 People who said they were ready to date again were really in for a surprise. An elbow bump counted as second base and undressing for him on facetime was a homerun. No touch!
Signs you are getting older: 1 Moaning and groaning out loud or stringing curses together every time you have to get up out of your chair. 2 When you can’t finish one sentence because you forget the name of someone or something and then it takes you the rest of the day to remember. 3 All of a sudden your songs growing up are on the oldies station. Wait! What happened to the 50’s music? When did they change it to 90’s? 4 You don’t like to waste anything. Food is used for leftovers and you always know someone who can use an item instead of throwing it in the trash. 5 All of a sudden hair is growing in places it never did before. Hair on my chin? What am I a goat? Why is hair growing out of my eyebrows in all different directions? 6 You have to call out of work because you can’t find your keys or your glasses and you can’t see without your glasses. 7 Your ears are getting so big that you are starting to look like Dumbo. 8 You found some wrinkles and now your drawer is filled with anti-aging beauty creams and lotions. You are like a witch with potions. 9 Every time you drive, people get annoyed at you and honk their horns. People walking are going faster than you. 10 You have a coat or sweater for every change in the weather. It is not often that you go outdoors without one.
1 You put cheese in the trap to catch the mouse and the little bugger gets away with the cheese. 2 Your mouse thinks the trap is a home gym and uses the metal part to do chest presses. 3 Your cat is too lazy to chase anything. Unacceptable! This is an embarrassment to your family. 4 You set a trap and the only thing it caught was your big toe. Somebody is feeling salty! Apparently, forgetfulness is something else to add to your weaknesses. 5 The little suckers are quite intelligent and can’t be caught instantly. You have a better chance of challenging them to a game of chess. It’s a shame you have no patience. 6 Your dog’s tongue got caught in the trap. Turns out Skippy loves peanut butter too. 7 Mice can climb. You have some Mission Impossible rodents. 8 Poor little guys were just looking for a place to stay warm for the winter. They made the mistake of picking a cereal killer’s house. 9 You are dealing with a half-blind gymnast who is a pro at hide and seek and the high jump. 10 This germ-ridden Chuck E Cheese has some nerve coming into your home without a mask and unsanitized. He picked the wrong house.
1 You are having a wonderful dream that is interrupted by an annoyingly loud alarm. The moment has passed and you are mad for the rest of the day. 2 You leave the house with the exact number of minutes to get to work and then you hit traffic. Hopefully, no one will notice when you sneak in late. 3 You decide to buy tickets at the door only to find that they are sold out. Please let me in. 4 You study the night before the exam only to fall asleep and wake up in the morning with no time to study. What happened? 5 You wait a whole year for vacation and it is over just as you settle in. Back to work? No way. 6 Your pregnancy may last an eternity while everyone else’s moves quickly. C’mon kid. Times up. 7 When you meet the love of your life and can’t get enough of them and count the seconds until you see them again. Remind yourself of that when you get mad at him. 8 When you blink and your youngest child is a man in college. What do you mean you want to live on your own. Silly! 9 When you wait for summer to get there and it is the fastest twelve weeks of the year. Back to school commercials make you angry as a parent and a student. 10 When you are taking your time on a test to get everything right but don’t have enough time to finish. Patience, teacher. Good things come to those who wait.
1 Drive around in a black car with a black hat and pretend that you are a chauffeur. 2 Go to restaurants and pretend you are a food critic for a newspaper to see how many free meals you can get. 3 Walk up to people who seem like they are tourists and pretend you are a tour director and show them around. 4 Set up a fortune teller booth on a busy street and tell people their future. 5 Draw caricatures for people and watch the surprise on their face when they see how you drew them. 6 Sing for pocket change. People will pay you to shut up. 7 Pick people up from the airport and drop them off at random places. 8 Go to the supermarket and open up random items and give out samples to other shoppers. 9 Put a camera around your neck and take pictures of people who look interesting. Conduct an interview and do a photo shoot. 10 Hang out at the train station and have people march and teach them a cadence song.