Driving with your kid when they have their permit: 1 They look over their shoulder to check lanes and the car goes in the same direction. (In the name of the father, son…) 2 Following too close and stopping at the very last second. (Mom you are overreacting as usual. I had plenty of time. Meanwhile you are thinking that you prefer not to be a crash test dummy) 3 Telling you every rule they learned in driver’s ed and how they are already a much better driver than you. (In your dreams) 4 Speeding because they play Grand Theft Auto on Xbox. (I’m really not speeding. Everyone else is going faster than me. The cops will get them first.) 5 They think putting on the right music is more important than driving. (Hello? We are not sitting in the family room. News flash! Your are driving so DRIVE) 6 Changing lanes without checking the blind spot. (Someone thinks they are invincible. No it is not their fault for hiding. Check your mirror) 7 Waiting to make a left and being overly cautious. Meanwhile traffic is backing up behind you and horns are honking. He flips the bird. (OMG you cannot give people the finger! I am only doing it because you do it Mom. Lord help me) 8 They think yellow means go faster. (Son, yellow means slow down. Well that’s stupid. I still have time.) 9 Whipping the car into parking spots. (You see your life flash before your eyes and wonder how many auto repair shops you will have to pay for all of the cars he will hit.) 10 Slamming on the brakes instead of coasting. (Thanks for the whiplash) Bonus – Yelling at your kid for almost hitting someone and they get out of the car in the middle of traffic and tell you they are done. True story.
Why we really became parents 1 To have our child wake up in the middle of the night and stand inches from your face staring at you like a serial killer. Jeepers! 2 To prepare meals for a food critic who turns up their cute little nose at everything you attempt to make for them. I needed to improve my culinary skills. 3 To learn self defense in bed. You need to learn how to catch an elbow to the eye and get donkey kicked. Hi yah! 4 I needed someone to complain every time I went shopping to keep my spending in check. It’s like having a personal alarm. I love how the sales people follow us around the store waiting for you to break something or cause a scene. 5 To get ignored when I speak. I get to polish up on communication and learn how to speak up octave by octave. 6 To learn self control when I get interrupted constantly. Here kid. I have some clothes for you to fold. That’s what I thought. Gone. 7 Our house needed a mini tyrant to rule the roost. Do what they say or suffer the consequences. 8 To visit every public bathroom possible so that I can cross it off my bucket list. 9 Because I am the designated finder of all things lost. These little minions suffer from amnesia. 10 I wanted to watch little people bicker constantly. Who needs a reality show when you have 24 hour entertainment?
Bunk beds might be more trouble than they are worth if:
1 You can’t sleep because you spend the entire night worrying that whoever is on the top bunk is going to fall to their death or end up in the hospital. You are a nervous wreck by morning. 2 Your kid is too big for a bunk bed. When he sits up in the top bunk, he gets a hair cut by the ceiling fan. 3 Your children get into fistfights trying to claim the top bunk. The next fight is how long the person gets the top bunk. 4 Changing sheets becomes a big event. You practically have to lie down on the bottom bunk to change those sheets and then end up with a concussion when you sit up and forget that there is not enough clearance. You have to climb up to the top bunk to change those sheets and hold a Spiderman like pose to pull the corners taut. 5 Your kid forgets she is in the top bunk and ends up falling to the ground when she rolls over. She is fine but scared out of her mind because it felt like she fell off a cliff. 6 Your kid goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the ladder becomes hard to navigate in the dark. 7 It’s a real hassle to tuck your kid in at bedtime because you have to climb the ladder to do so. You know it is only a matter of time before you end up on the ground, especially after drinking some wine. 8 You have two bunks and a twin in one room and your kids are constantly jumping from the top bunk to the twin no matter how much you threaten and yell at them. 9 One side of the bunks is against the wall and stuff constantly falls down the one side and gets stuck in the little crevice between the wall and the bed. You have to call Hercules every once in a while to move it so that you can get all the crap that accumulated. 10 The person on the bottom bunk has trouble sleeping because it sounds and feels like an earthquake when the person on top moves around.
1 We are in a pandemic. If things take a turn for the worst, I don’t want to spend my last days doing homework. 2 I gave homework up for lent because I get a lot of pleasure out of doing it. (You are going to burn in hell for this one, but you can worry about that later) 3 I did the work and left it home. School work is for school. Very confusing. 4 I handed it to you. Remember? You must have misplaced it. I did all that work for nothing. (You silently hope you nose isn’t growing like Pinocchio) 5 My mom was too lazy to do it for me. I will yell at her when I get home. 6 The stores are completely out of toilet paper. We had to use anything we could get our hands on. I don’t think you want it now. 7 The wind blew it and I chased it all over town. Unfortunately, it fell in the sewer. 8 We had homework last night? Oh wow, I thought it was due next week. 9 I have a medical condition called carple tunnel and it hurts too much to write. 10 I didn’t need to do it. Homework is for practice and I am very good already. Who needs practice when you are perfect?
1 Eating your delicious burger 🍔 only to have a disgusting round pickle in your next bite. Where did that come from? 2 Biting into a chocolate covered cherry thinking it was solid chocolate. What the heck did you just bite into? 3 Eating a chocolate chip cookie only to find out the hard way it is raisins. Yuk! 4 Wheat bread tasted like it had dirt and saw dust in it. If this is healthy, I don’t want anything healthy. 5 Fish smelled like it came straight from a trash can. It never made it to your mouth. 6 Lentil beans tasted like rich vitamins. No thank you. 7 Wrinkly green peas tasted like skin on the outside and mushy on the inside. 8 Sunny side up eggs with yolk running all over the plate. May I be excused? 9 Cranberry sauce out of a can looked like jello but was bitter and unappealing. 10 Oatmeal looked like someone got sick in your bowl and didn’t smell much better. Why can’t you have cereal like a normal kid?
1 You are hoping the kids sleep the entire time, but they have more energy than five Red Bulls. Oh yay. 2 You don’t know what the kid ate, but they did number two and it exploded all over them. Oh gross! I will just call the fire department to hose him off. That’s why you pay taxes. 3 You went outside for a second and the kid locked you out. You get so stressed out playing negotiator with her and give into her bribe for $20 to let you back in. If you didn’t know better, the whole thing smells like a setup. 4 The kid is a monster and refuses to listen. Two hours feels like two days. You will never ever have kids. NEVER. 5 The kid tells you they are allowed to watch rated R movies. The parents come home and are horrified and ask you not to come back again. 6 You put the kid in timeout but he won’t stay. You tie him to the chair with rope and tape his mouth shut so you don’t have to listen to the back talk. The parents don’t pay you and threaten to call the police. 7 You take the kid with you to run errands. You are cool so you let the four year old sit in the front seat with you. You return later that night. The parents came home hours ago and are furious. Geeze a thank you would be sufficient. 8 You teach the kid how to play beer pong. Mom and dad are not amused. 9 “These two were not getting along all night so I just let them fight it out. This one didn’t do so good. You might want to get him boxing lessons.” 10 “The food in the fridge wasn’t all for me? SORRY! Maybe you should label it next time if you don’t want me to eat it.”