How to drive your kids crazy: 1 Wait until they sit down and get nice and comfy then ask for something to eat or drink. 2 Take their car out and use all of their gas so they have to fill up their car next time they drive it. 3 Since they never write down when they use the last of something, hide all the batteries so that they are out of luck when their controller turns off. Too bad. 4 Talk non stop when they are watching their favorite show. 5 Leave your stuff all over the family room floor and see how they like it. 6 Tell someone what your kid said about them or rat on them to dad. 7 Jump up and down on their bed when they are sleeping. 8 Bust in on them when they are in the bathroom. 9 Ignore them when they call your name and make them repeat themselves a few times. 10 If you have a boy, saran wrap the toilet so that it gets everywhere when they pee. It’s not like they can hit the target anyway.
potty training toddlers: 1 They want to visit every public bathroom until you dread going out. When you do go out, you only visit the stores that have the cleanest bathrooms. 2 Boys get the brilliant idea that they can drop their drawers outside, any time. “Honey, you do realize you aren’t invisible?” 3 You spend way more time in the bathroom these days. It feels like a timeout. You consider bringing some wine in there with you to make it worthwhile. 4 They sit on the toilet for what feels like an eternity and then go in their pants. 5 Sometimes the problem isn’t getting them to pee. The bigger obstacle is teaching them to aim at the right target. 6 You begin to bribe them to perform on the potty. Each time, the bribes get a little bigger. 7 “What are you doing over there? You have a look of concentration on your face. Are you pooping?” They begin hiding from you to avoid toilet time. 8 When they do go #2, they want to show it to everyone possible, as if it is an art exhibit. 9 You take on the job like a personal challenge so that you can stop spending money on diapers. Your little boot camp encourages your toddler to say NO to potty. 10 You don’t have to fake celebrations. The job is so much harder than you planned and uses every emotion. The second you hear a tinkle or a plop, you cheer as if your team won the superbowl.
Baby Sitting for a living: 1 You are hoping the kids sleep the entire time (C’mon easy money!), but they have more energy than five Red Bulls. (Oh yay.) 2 You have no clue what this kid ate, but he did a number two that exploded all over him. (Oh gross! I better get paid extra!) Time to call the fire department to hose him off. That’s why people pay taxes. 3 You go outside for a split second and the kid locked you out. (Oh no you didn’t!) You stress yourself out playing negotiator and shell out $20 for her to let you back in. (Smells like a setup!) 4 The kid is a monster and refuses to listen. Two hours feels like two days. You will never ever have kids. NEVER. Under any circumstances. 5 The little minion convincingly tells you they are allowed to watch rated R movies. The parents come home and are horrified. They demand that you never return. (Who are they talking to? They should be having the little mastermind pack his bags.) 6 You put the child in timeout but he won’t stay. You tie him to the chair with rope and tape his mouth shut so you don’t have to listen to the backtalk. The parents don’t pay you and threaten to call the police. 7 You take the kid with you to run errands. You are a cool babysitter, so you let the four-year-old sit in the front seat with you. You return later that night after a wonderful day. The parents came home hours ago and are furious with you. Geeze a simple thank you would be sufficient. 8 You teach the young lad how to play beer pong. Mom and dad are not amused. (It was water!) 9 “These two were not getting along all night so I just let them fight it out. This one didn’t do so good. You might want to get him boxing lessons.” 10 “The food in the fridge wasn’t all for me? SORRY! Maybe you should label it next time if you don’t want me to eat it.” (It’s not nice to tease your babysitter!)
What to say to your child when they say “I’m bored”:
1 “Okay, you can help with some chores.” 2 “Here, read this book.” 3 “Take out the trash.” 4 “You can come food shopping with me.” 5 “You can mow the lawn for your father.” 6 “Why don’t you work on your report for school and get it out of the way?” 7 “Let’s go get that haircut for you right now.” 8 “Perfect, go through your closet and get rid of the clothes you don’t wear anymore.” 9 “Go play with your sister.” 10”Let’s go for a long walk.”
1 No matter who does something wrong, you are the one who gets yelled at because you should know better. 2 Your parents tried out their disciplining skills on you and gave up with the other kid. 3 You are expected to babysit for free. 4 You have a curfew and there is hell to pay if you are late. 5 You were never allowed to make a noise when they were sleeping. 6 The younger sibling made up stuff when they were mad at you and your parents believed them. 7 You are a parent with no authority years before your time. 8 You make your younger sibling your personal assistant until she dimes you out. 9 You send your little minion to ask mom and dad for things because she was too cute for them to say no to her. 10 You were like an explorer trying to see what you could get away with while the youngest got away with murder.
1 They refuse to listen when you speak in a normal tone. You have to drop an F-bomb before they realize you mean business. 🤬 2 If you say no to buying them something, they go to mom and pop pop because they know they won’t get denied. You look like the bad guy if you try and return it. 🙄 3 They try and get away with murder when you are out in public with them because they think you will look like a bad parent if you scream and yell at them.🤗 4 They have nothing to say until you are on the phone. You get interrupted every five seconds until you finally snap and look like a maniac to the person on the other end. 👊🏼 5 When they ask you if their friend can sleep over and they are standing right there staring at you. The family has plans so you have to say no and they look at you like you killed their cat. 😔 6 When they tell your husband you went through a red light or were speeding. Little rats! 🐀 7 When they ask dad for something and he says go ask mom. Mom says no and the little bugger tells dad you said yes. Next thing you know, the two of you are arguing while the kid is doing whatever they want. Why you little….!! 😡 8 When they are infants and you are sleep deprived and can’t figure out how to make them stop crying. It only takes one little thing to push you over the edge and make you lose your s**t. 💩 9 When they are in daycare and tell the teacher their dad lets them drink beer when it is only apple juice. The teacher calls you very concerned. 🤦🏻♀️ 10 When you think you are telling your husband some juicy gossip and your big-eared kid repeats it to the person you were talking about. 😩 Bye-bye now.
1 Riding shotgun – There are only 2 feet between the front and back seats. You might think it was in another car the way the kids carry on. 2 Taking the first shower – One sibling wasn’t interested in taking a shower until the other sibling said they were taking one. Before you know it, there is a race up the steps. 3 Who is going to help mom – One child isn’t interested until you ask the other child. Then they start fighting over who is going to help. 4 Who the dog loves more – The poor dog runs to one sibling and an all-out war starts about who the dog likes better. 5 Who is better at video games – The friendly dinner conversation turns into a food fight. 6 Who received the better Xmas gifts- They can’t just say both of us. Instead, there is a contest gift by gift to debate over which one is better. 7 The favorite child – Each child is convinced that they hold the title even though there is no favorite. 8 The remote is like the key to the kingdom. Wrestling breaks out and tv time becomes WWE. 9 Throwing your sibling under the bus to mom and dad – Oh there will be hell to pay as soon as you are out of sight from mom and dad’s watchful eyes. 10 Looking at each other- Mom, he is looking at me!! This drives you insane, especially when they fight over who is staring. Close your eyes.
1 He lets the kids eat dessert for dinner. 2 He falls asleep while watching the kids. You get home and the kids are taking care of him. 3 The kids can wear whatever they want, even if it doesn’t match or fit. 4 If a kid falls asleep that becomes their bed until they wake up. 5 He makes it look fun by enjoying some beers at the same time. 6 He calls his mother for some reinforcement. 7 He takes them to the playground and acts like he is overwhelmed so that the other moms come to the rescue. 8 They give the kids controllers with no batteries so that they think they are actually playing video games. 9 The kids ask dad for all the things mom said no to and dad says YES! 10 He lets the kids go wild and have fun while eating candy and then lets mom put them to bed.
1 Your temper has a mind of its own. One little comment can put you right over the edge and unleashes the tasmanian devil. 2 You eat six meals a day and are still hungry. 3 You are bleeding every month now and have to wear a diaper instead of a bandaid. It somehow makes you a woman but it is a punishment. 4 You wake up one day and your voice sounds like Darth Vader. Whoa, what the heck? 5 Every time you look at a hot girl it feels like you are pitching a tent and it won’t go down. 6 You have these beautiful boobs and just want to show them off every chance you get. Your mom lectures you on the importance of wearing a bra. 7 You wash your face constantly and it looks like a pizza. 8 Your parents constantly get on your nerves and suddenly their stories are embarrassing to you. 9 You have to shave and it is an ordeal that is dangerous. The worst part is that it keeps growing back and you have to shave two days later. 10 Something smells like a hoagie. You have no idea it is you until your mom buys you body sprays and deodorant.
1 Doodling on paper when we are supposed to be paying attention. It makes us forget we are bored. 2 Dressing up our pets like Barbie dolls. The clothes are a little bit easier to get on but dogs wiggle around and are not cooperative in the least. 3 Slurping through a straw when our drink is almost gone because we have to get that last little bit. Whatever it takes. 4 Blowing bubbles with chewing gum because we have way more skill as an adult and popping bubble wrap because it sounds cool. 5 Dressing up for Halloween because now it’s for alcohol instead of candy. 6 Watching kid movies even if you have to borrow someone else’s child and you pretend you are doing it for them when clearly you are excited. 7 Sliding across the floor in socks to see how much distance you can get and jumping on the bed because it makes you feel like a ninja. 8 Playing with legos to show your creativeness. You need to show the kid that your building is much better than theirs. 9 Eating cookie dough batter because it is delicious and no one can tell you to stop doing it. Yum. 10 Coloring because it is soothing and because you are the master at shading and matching colors. It is a work of art.