1 Which arm do you prefer? Just pick an arm. They both feel the same. What does it matter? 2 Poke me one more time with that needle and it will be in the middle of your forehead! 3 Why do you need 10 vials of blood? I’m afraid I don’t have that much in my body. It would be nice to keep a little for myself. 4 Stop apologizing for missing the vein and find it already. Or maybe you need a vein finder GPS. 5 If you find the vein on the first try, I will leave you a tip. 6 You try to act brave by watching the needle go into your arm, but then you see the blood coming out, and the room gets a little fuzzy. 7 You look over at the cotton ball after leaving the lab and it’s soaked with blood. Oh my God, you are slowly dying! 8 The technician puts a bandaid on your arm that has so much glue on it that it rips all of your hair off when you try and remove it. 9 You leave the lab and run to get your morning cup of coffee and eat like you haven’t eaten in days. Don’t ever make me fast again! 10 You can’t believe that they have the nerve to ask for your credit card after sadistically drawing your blood. Really, buddy, taking my blood wasn’t payment enough?
Don’t Rush to be a Grownup: 1 You can mismatch your outfits when you are a kid and be cute. If you are an adult, people give you strange looks with a raised eyebrow or two. 2 You are encouraged to play as much as possible when you are a kid. When grownups try and play, people tell them to grow up and act their age. No fun!! 3 Everyone buys things for you when you are a kid. As soon as you are old enough to shave, your parents want you to start paying some bills. 4 It’s great to use your imagination when you are a kid. Try it as a grownup and you are accused of daydreaming. 5 You can be silly and carefree as a kid. If a grownup does it, they are accused of drinking or using drugs. 6 When you are a kid you can’t sleep because you are excited about something. As an adult, you can’t sleep because of stress. 7 You don’t have to make your own decisions as a kid. Everyone else makes things happen. You just have to show up. As an adult, you have hundreds of decisions a day to make. Frankly, it is tiring! 8 You can dream to be whatever you want as a kid. Nothing is impossible. As an adult, people are quick to tell you only two percent of the population actually make it and to be more realistic with your goals. 9 As a kid, you are encouraged to take a nap even though you really don’t want one. You would rather play. As an adult, you would love to take a nap but your boss keeps waking you up with an angry look on his face and hands on his hips. Make up your mind! 10 You are always put at the kid’s table when you are young. You wait for years to go to the grown-up table. You finally get there as an adult and all they talk about are medical issues and medicines. You take your plate and go back to the kid’s table.
I’m here for the party! Where’s it at? 1 What? No alcohol? This isn’t a party, it’s more like a retreat. What do you mean it’s a kids party? 2 No meat! Vegetarian food? Who has a barbecue without burgers? Your neighbor has a cow. I’m going to need to borrow that gun. I will be right back. Warm up the grill. 3 You never said I had to dress up. The invite said black tie affair? Yea I thought that was the name of the caterers. 4 No music? This isn’t a party! You can’t possibly expect me to talk to these people all night. Move over. I’m gonna be the DJ. 5 So nice to meet you. Did you catch that football game the other night? You don’t like sports? Nice talking to you. 6 So when is everyone else getting here? There was only 2 other couples coming and they cancelled? That’s not a party. You tricked me! 7 Everyone is on their phone and no one is socializing. What do I have to text these people to get them to talk? 8 You are making me take off my shoes before I come In? I can tell this is going to be lame, so I am just going to take myself and my shoes back to my car. Cya later. 9 Everyone is laying around watching TV and looking bored. Maybe I can leave before anyone sees me. 10 The party is over? It’s 11 o’clock. We are just getting started. What do you mean you have to get up early tomorrow? Maybe I should drop you off to your mommy’s house.
It should be illegal to: 1 Pay at the store in change only and slowly count it out. Damn you messed me up. Now I have to start all over. 1,2… 2 Too much PDA. I think PDA is cute but you don’t need to eat each other’s face off and grope each other in public. 3 Drive on the road if you can’t go over 25 and have the nerve to stay in the fast lane. Put the pedal to the medal or give me your keys. You’re done. 4 Block the sidewalk with your car so that you have to go into the street when taking a stroll. Maybe I will just crawl over your car to prove a point. 5 Putting your knees or feet into the back of my chair at the movies or on a plane. I have half a mind to get up and thump you one. 6 To get your teeth whitened so much that people lose their vision when you smile Bright light! 7 To go to the food counter without knowing what you want to order and holding up the line trying to decide. End of the line buddy! 8 To go hunting when everything scares you and you get trigger happy and unload the entire magazine. 9 To take off your shoes if your feet look like you grew up in the wild and you need a grinder to cut your toenails 10 For your husband to need more mirror time than you
Watching the weather forecast 😳 1 By the time they get through a full five days, I forget everything they just said. Talk about confused! 2 I really don’t need the weather for the rest of the country I didn’t ask. There’s a storm in the MidWest? Ok but clouds blow so they can go anywhere. 3 All I really need to know is how cold it will feel outside for the next day. I need to pick out an outfit. C’mon help me out. 4 Multiple day forecasts are useless to me since it always seems to change anyway. Tell me the day before. I get tired of changing my plans. 5 My advice to everyone, stick your head out the front door for the most accurate forecast. 6 Looking at arrows and patterns on maps reminds me of John Madden marking up my TV screen during football games. Hey stop writing, I am trying to see the game! 7 The current forecast says cloudy but all I see is the sun,shining very brightly as if it is mocking the weather people. 8 Cloud cover, visibility, dew point, the direction of the wind or the ceiling is not relevant to me. I am not flying a plane 9 If it’s just a prediction, maybe I would be better off going to a fortune teller. 10 If you keep getting it wrong, how do you still have a job? NEXT!
Why It Is Great To Be A Guy: 1 Phone conversations last 30 seconds 2 The world is your pee ground 3 Haircuts cost $20 including tip 4 There is never a line at the Men’s Room 5 You miss the toilet but don’t have to clean it 6 You only need one backpack for vacation 7 You don’t have a time of the month 8 It’s ok to go gray because it adds character 9 You can take your shirt off if you are hot 10 It’s ok to watch tv in silence with your buddy. He won’t think you are mad.
Bad First Date Signs: 1 He shows up on a bike, and it’s not a motorcycle. 2 She drinks too much and throws up on you when you make a move. 3 He shows up with a reinforcement. Umm no, three is a crowd. 4 She forgets your name and attempts to remember by using the wrong one. 5 He gets out a calculator to figure out who pays for what. 6 She talks negatively about her ex the whole time. It seems like she doesn’t even like men. 7 He brings you back to his place, except it isn’t his place. His room is in the basement of his mom’s house, and he is 30. 8 She doesn’t make eye contact with you the entire night. However, she flirts with the waiter and doesn’t hide the fact that he left his number on the bill. 9 He tells you to dress nice. You wear a cute red dress, and he shows up in a Grateful Dead shirt and jeans. 10 She tells you she is looking for a serious relationship and wants to have a baby within the next year.
Signs you are drunk 1 You have to hold onto the grass so you don’t fall off the earth. 2 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat 3 You can focus better with one eye closed 4 When the tree you swerve to miss is your air freshener 5 You think your dishwasher tablet is a giant sweet tart 6 You sit down on the toilet and try to put your seatbelt on 7 You put your food in the microwave and enter your pin number 8 You think the floor is uneven 9 You go to bed with a ten and wake up with a zero 10 You look around to see who keeps pushing you on the floor
Advice for meeting her parents for the first time: 1 If you bring a bottle of wine, don’t drink the whole bottle yourself. 2 Don’t tell her mom, “Now I know where your daughter gets her hotness from.” 3 A ratty tee shirt and ripped up jeans is not proper attire for a good first impression. 4 Don’t grope your girlfriend in front of her parents. 5 Try not to answer for your girlfriend and dominate the conversation being a know it all. 6 You don’t want to kiss the dad’s ass but definitely do not disagree with everything he says. 7 Her parents probably know you are sleeping together, but there is no need to confirm it. 8 Mind your manners. You shouldn’t chew with you mouth open and burp loudly. 9 If you don’t like the meal being served, suck it up. Don’t spit it out or say it is awful. 10 And most importantly, do not lie. If you plan on staying with your girlfriend, they will find out about all of your lies.
What was I thinking? 1 When I knew I had work the next day but had too much fun the night before anyway. Then the alarm scares the bejesus out of me in the morning. 2 When you send an angry message on impulse before thinking it through. Oh boy. There will be hell to pay for this one. 3 Thinking you could wait to use the bathroom til you get home. Bad choice. Your teeth are floating and you do everything in your power not to think about it. 4 When you don’t get gas when you should thinking that you have plenty. Now you are pushing the car instead of driving it. 5 Not listening to the little voice in your head screaming NOOO and end up in the ER 6 Seeing someone text while crossing the road with their head down or crossing before they look both ways because it is your job to stop. 7 Staying in the sun all day thinking you won’t get burnt. Yeah right! Whose a lobster 🦞 now? 8 Your eyes 👀 are bigger than your stomach and against better judgement keep eating til the food is gone. Now you are overstuffed and uncomfortable. 9 Keeping your contacts in longer than you are supposed to. You don’t need to pay extra for extended wear. 10 Not being able to wait to be an adult. Was it everything you hoped for? 😂 Joke is on you sucker