Ways to get rid of a bad date:
1 “I better get home to my husband.”
2 “Any suggestions on what we should name our kids?”
3 “This is so embarrassing but I am allergic to your cologne.”
4 “I better get home to my kids. An hour is the longest they have been home alone.”
5 “Oh my God, our waiter is so hot! I have to get his number.”
6 Spill your drink on yourself then say you have to go home to change.
7 “I just saw my ex. He must be out of prison. I better go. If he sees me with you, he will kill you.”
8 “I am really not interested in sex anymore. I just need a companion.
9 “Are you paying for dinner? Oh good. I would like a bottle of your best wine and a whole lobster.”
10 Use bad manners. Talk and eat the entire time, burp, and yell for the waiter from across the room.
#blog #top10 #funny #dating
1 Your stomach hurts and you have to do a number 2. You try and hold it until everyone leaves but it can’t wait. Take cover.
2 You see feet underneath a couple stalls down but no noise. It is night time and you’re afraid a murderer is in the bathroom.
3 You already started to tinkle and then notice there is no toilet paper. Now you have to wait until someone comes in next to your stall or drip dry.
4 You are going to the bathroom and a little kids head pops in under your stall. Uh hello, where is your mommy and why is she letting you crawl on the floor?
5 You aren’t done going to the bathroom yet and the toilet flushes. It is so powerful that you look like you just took a shower.
6 Someone is talking on the phone in their stall. Really! Can you be quiet?
7 Someone is just about taking a bath in the sink. Don’t stare. Just walk away.
8 Your door won’t lock and it’s the only one left. You keep playing ping pong with it until you are done and are exhausted.
9 You think the stall is empty and the door is stuck so you pull it open. Surprise! Someone is sitting on the toilet. They look ridiculous and angry. Run!
10 The person next to you keeps trying to have a conversation. You just want them to go away. Creepy!
#blog#top10 #restroom #funny
When your picnic doesn’t turn out quite the way you planned:
1 An army of 🐜 ants decides to join the party.
2 Bees 🐝 start chasing and keep you running instead of eating.
3 A seagull waits until you set up your picnic and calls his friends to tell them lunch is ready. They swoop in and leave you with crumbs.
4 You packed lunch for four but some kid you never met before decides to become a part of your family.
5 You set up under a pavilion. The ranger politely waits until you are ready to eat then tells you the area is reserved. Very funny.
6 You decide to sit in the grass to get closer to nature. The next day you have poison ivy.
7 It’s much windier than you thought. Lunch turns into chase after your food, plates, napkins and cups.
8 You put ice in the cooler instead of ice packs. Everyone’s sandwich is soggy.
9 You have delicious food and snacks but no napkins.
10 You have to go to the bathroom but there’s no bathroom in sight.
#blog #top10 #picnic #funny
How to drive your kids crazy:
1 Wait until they sit down and get nice and comfy then ask for something to eat or drink.
2 Take their car out and use all of their gas so they have to fill up their car next time they drive it.
3 Since they never write down when they use the last of something, hide all the batteries so that they are out of luck when their controller turns off. Too bad.
4 Talk non stop when they are watching their favorite show.
5 Leave your stuff all over the family room floor and see how they like it.
6 Tell someone what your kid said about them or rat on them to dad.
7 Jump up and down on their bed when they are sleeping.
8 Bust in on them when they are in the bathroom.
9 Ignore them when they call your name and make them repeat themselves a few times.
10 If you have a boy, saran wrap the toilet so that it gets everywhere when they pee. It’s not like they can hit the target anyway.
#blog #kids #top10 #funny
You know it’s time to throw stuff out when:
1 You have clothes for every occasion: painting, gardening, time of the month, lounging around, in case you lose weight
2 You have manuals for things you don’t own anymore.
3 You have college books from 20 years ago just in case you need to look something up.
4 You have leftover cans of paint for every time you ever painted. Maybe you can have a craft night.
5 You have menus for every establishment in the state. You need to have options.
6 You have a drawer of unmatched socks just in case the other one decides to show up.
7 You have a whole box of cords and no idea where they belong.
8 Books you read and don’t want to get rid of even though you will never read them again.
9 Gowns from every wedding you have been in including your own. Unless you are opening up a dress shop move on.
10 Your drug cabinets. You have things so old it will kill you instead of making you better.
#blog #top10 #throwitaway #funny