1 You look so pretty. I can’t believe you’re still single. (Wow. It’s hard to believe your mom loves you.) 2 Don’t take this the wrong way… (Let me stop you right there since you already started off with your foot in your mouth.) 3 You look so much younger with that hairstyle. (And you will look so much better with the black eye I am going to give you!) 4 You should wear makeup all the time. (And you should tape your mouth shut.) 5 Your baby is precious. He looks nothing like you. (Did you ever look in the mirror.) 6 You carry your weight well. (So well that I can stuff you head first in the trash can.) 7 You’re pretty when you smile. (Maybe you just aren’t funny enough to make me smile.) 8 You’re so cool, it’s like hanging with one of the guys. (Ouch you just friend-zoned me.) 9 It’s awesome that you don’t care what you look like. (I don’t? What the hell are you saying?) 10 You played so well tonight.. Must have been luck. (The only skill you have is running your mouth.)
1 The teacher pairs you up and your partner’s face looks like it is in shock. 2 It is time to brainstorm and the only thing your partner has to say is uh! Let me think. Duh really? 3 Your partner says no to every idea you have without offering any. Just do it! 4 You split up the work but have to pick up your partner’s slack because they are too lazy. 5 Your partner ghosts you when you call, text, or email. 6 Your partner refuses to share information because he wants his part to be better than yours. Boohoo you are lame. 7 They keep coming up with excuses for not getting done on time. Excuse me, you have me confused with your momma. 8 You end up meeting with yourself when they conveniently no show. 9 Your partner does not like you and makes it impossible to communicate. You wish that the teacher knew how little they did. 10 Your partner doesn’t care about their grade and is compromising yours with their inconsideration. Go away loser.
1 Is this your dad? (No dumbass it’s her husband.) 2 When are you due? (Honey there is no baby in there.) 3 Such and such is a bad neighborhood. (Oh, you live there? I’m sure you live in the good part. Insert foot here.) 4 You have a little something on your face. (Oh, it’s a birthmark? Awkward.) 5 What do you look like with hair? (You just made it clear that you aren’t into the bald look.) 6 Why are you still single? (You could have just asked what is wrong with them.) 7 Do you want to get changed before we go? (Nice. You just let the person know that you aren’t going anywhere with them dressed like that.) 8 How did you get invited? (Gee thanks. Looks like someone didn’t want to see me.) 9 Do you have PMS? (No. But you are going to have a black eye.) 10 Why are you so thin? (Sounds like you are jealous and you pretty much told them to go eat a sandwich.)
soiree – Who needs a fancy French word when everyone understands party. charcuterie – Let’s chow down on some crackers, meat, and cheese instead of using a word no one knows how to pronounce. plethora – This word sounds like a big lisp. A lot is much easier to say. au pair – This one makes no sense. Sounds like you are getting two for one. Instead you are getting a teacher in exchange for room and board. faux pas – Another French word. Just say you screwed up for wearing white after Labor Day. conundrum – This word is stuffy. Houston we have a problem. fiasco – Kind of sounds like a fiesta. Cluster *uck is a better word. kibosh – You might see this one in a comic book. Put an end to it. quid pro quo – This isn’t Silence of the Lambs. Tell me a secret and I will tell you one of mine. wheelhouse – Who lives in a wheel? Just say comfort zone.
1 Everyone is staring at you, and you forget everything you were going to say. 2 Your voice is shaking as if someone is holding a gun and forcing you to speak. They may as well be since you have no interest to be standing in front of all of these people. 3 You are swaying back and forth like a zombie and sweating under your pits. Your heart is racing so fast that you have no idea if you will be alive at the end of your speech. 4 Why is it so important to stand up to address the crowd? It would be so much easier to sit on a stool so that you feel like you are among friends. 5 No one in the crowd is smiling. Geez, if you don’t entertain them, they may come after you. 6 You lose your train of thought as you are speaking and start to trip all over your words. You laugh at yourself but no one else does. Tough crowd; and they didn’t even pay admission. 7 You are finally on a roll and your professor asks you to slow down. Give me a break. You are a good sport so you start speaking again. This time he asks you to speak up. Hey if you think this is easy, why don’t you do it? 8 When you ask if there are any questions, everyone raises their hand. Don’t you realize it was rhetorical? 9 You feel like a total wreck when you are done speaking. You feel like you have been through a war. Shouldn’t you get paid for this? 10 Someone pull the fire alarm! Get me out of here.
1 You are telling your friend an interesting story and someone interrupts with something totally unrelated. You just can’t get the mojo back. 2 You gain the courage to tell your boyfriend something that you have been avoiding. You start to sweat and your hands are shaking. You feel like you are going to pass out and the doorbell rings. Literally, saved by the bell. 3 You are on the phone and your kid bothers you every two seconds no matter what threats you whisper to them. Somehow they understand your candy bribe and disappear once you give it to them. 4 You have an extreme bellyache with the sweats and are dying in peace in your bathroom until someone walks in without knocking. GET OUT!! 5 You are watching your favorite show and a big secret is about to be revealed. Too bad for you, the power went out. You can wait a little longer. 6 You have a moment for intimacy and completely lose yourself in the moment until you hear, “Mommy?” Kid, do you ever sleep? 7 You are dead tired and have a Saturday to sleep in a little later. Unfortunately, no one told the jackhammer outside. 8 You are taking a test and are distracted by someone talking out in the hallway and cannot concentrate. 9 Telling your doctor about your problem and they interrupt before you are finished because they are running behind. Hello?! Didn’t I come here for a reason. Don’t care? 10 The fire alarm goes off and you are forced to congregate outside even if you don’t have proper clothing. If this is a drill, why am I a frozen popsicle?
1 You are telling a joke and have everyone’s attention only to forget the punch line. 2 Someone tells a joke and you don’t get it until the middle of the night and then start laughing. 3 You get mad when people don’t laugh at the joke and continue to tell it to change their response. 4 You speak in a monotone and just aren’t funny no matter what you say. 5 The person you are telling it to gets offended and you are no longer speaking. 6 The person listens attentively and when you get to the punch line, they say it before you do. 7 The person doesn’t know the subject matter of your joke so you have to go back and explain it in great detail and then tell the joke again. Somehow it isn’t funny anymore. 8 You tell the joke and no one laughs. Someone else tells it and the same people are rolling all over the floor. 9 Your audience stinks. After your joke, you hear crickets. 10 No one can relate to your joke. Awkward. Walk away!!!
1 She is picky about her name and won’t even answer to Alexis or when I mistakenly call her Siri. 2 My husband argues with her constantly which means he is really nice to me. 3 You are watching television and Alexa suddenly starts playing music. What is going on? Does someone need attention? 4 You ask her to make a ghost noise and she plays a dog barking. Hmmm. 5 You call for Alexa and she ignores you until you start screaming. 6 You ask her to turn a light on and she says okay but nothing. Hello? 7 She is a tattletale that tells my husband about all of my purchases. Snitches get stitches. 8 You ask her how long to cook something and she recites a recipe. OMG 9 You ask her to add peanuts to your list and she adds a penis instead. 10 You curse and she says, “That’s not nice.” Who are you, my mother? You are the reason I am cursing.
1 If the person doesn’t use spell check or reread their text, you have to decipher what they are trying to say. It is like talking in tongues. 2 You text a paragraph to someone about something and pour your heart out. You anxiously await their response and get k. Wow, we are no longer friends. 3 You can’t read emotion. A text should read like a script. (Standing with her hands on her hips) Are you serious? (sticking up the middle finger to the phone and stringing a line of curses) You better come up with a better excuse than that! (His clothes are scattered on the front lawn) 4 The person has time to think about how they want to answer you back. There is no face to face where you can read their face and body language. 5 You tend to text the person you are trying to vent about instead of the person you want to vent to. 6 You can’t tell if you have hurt someone’s feelings. You need to squirm. 7 It’s easier to ignore people by not opening their texts and lamely pretending that you didn’t get it. You aren’t fooling anyone. 8 It’s hard to visit with someone who can’t take their eyes off of their phone. You almost feel like you need to leave the room. 9 You find yourself getting angry when people don’t answer you in a certain amount of time. You take it personally and turn the conversation into an argument. The poor person you were texting phone died and they are going to get hit with a bunch of aggressive messages when their phone turns back on. 10 Punctuation can change the whole meaning of a text. “I’m sorry. I love you so much.” compared to “I’m sorry I love you so much.” Oh boy.
1 Someone not very talkative. They give one word answers and you are out questions with awkward silence. 2 A low talker. It constantly sounds like mumbling and the audience is straining to hear. 3 Someone argumentative. Instead of a friendly conversation you have a debate on your hands. 4 Someone boring. You are looking for great ratings not a snooze fest. 5 When you ask a question and they go off on a rant and no one knows what they are talking about. Twilight Zone. 6 They show up sloppy drunk and have no clue what is happening. It turns into a babysitting gig. 7 They curse like a sailor. After bleeping it out there is nothing left of the interview. 8 One who takes over and asks you questions. You lose control of your own show. 9 Someone who decides to have their life fall apart on your show. C’mon get it together. 10 Someone who uses your show for their own social or political issues. No one asked. Go tell someone who cares.