When people invade your personal space: 1 Keep your meat hooks to yourself. This isn’t a date. 2 For every step back you take, they advance forward. Do you know how to take a hint? Back off. 3 You shouldn’t be close enough where I can see the spit bubbling up on your lip. Eww. 4 I guess you don’t see my invisible bubble. Get out. 5 You are standing so close that my spidey senses are tingling. Not one step closer or you will feel my foot kicking you in the ass. 6 Hey buddy, I don’t need to know what you ate for lunch. If I can smell your breath, you need to get to steppin. 7 Excuse me airport security, you better buy me dinner before you continue patting me down. 8 Can you stop leaning over me? It is giving me the urge to flip you onto the floor. Hi Yah 9 A big person sits next to you on the train and spreads out. So glad you are comfortable. Meanwhile, my arms are pinned to my sides and I am cramping up. Help! 10 I don’t recall inviting you into my space so get outta here.
1 Tell him to talk really slow so you can write down every word. 2 Keep repeating his name like your best friend and keep interrupting him to ask about his family and personal life. 3 Ask for his home number so you can call at a more convenient time. 4 Keep asking them out and tell them you need to get to know each other better before you give out credit card information. 5 Tell them you are on house arrest and ask them to come over with snacks and drinks. 6 Act like a complete lunatic. 7 When they ask you how you are, tell them you are glad they called and tell them all of your problems. 8 Tell them you will buy their item if they buy something you are selling 9 Act like you won a prize and ask them how they are sending it to you. 10 Talk in a fake foreign language.
1 Arguing with customer service to get what you want is a full time job 2 You call out five names before you get your kids name right. 3 You can only buy things on sale 4 You hate throwing food away, or anything else for that matter 5 You get frustrated with technology 6 You put comfort before fashion 7 You yell at cars to slow down 8 You need your glasses before you can look at something 9 You remind everyone to pee before leaving the house 10 You have a bedtime again
People talking on speakerphone in public: 1 News flash. You are not a VIP. Hang up. 2 You act as if the barista is interrupting your call when she asks for your order. Stop holding up the line! 3 Did you ever think that I sit on the porch for peace and quiet and not to hear your life story? 4 You say if I don’t like it to use my two legs and walk away? Ok genius. This is public transportation. You will be the one getting off at the next stop. 5 Is the person you are speaking to aware that their conversation is being broadcast to the general public? I think not! 6 You may say that I am cranky but let me take out my phone and talk to someone on speaker. How do you like me now? Touche. 7 Speaking in Spanish doesn’t make it any better. I am even more agitated because I don’t have a clue what you are saying. 8 In a public bathroom! Really? The point is to do your business and get out, not lollygag on the phone. 9 I don’t want to hear about your poopy problems, sex life, or medical conditions. I did not ask to be subjected to this poppycock. 10 Don’t get mad at me if I laugh out loud at the conversation I didn’t ask to be a part of. Maybe next time, you will take that call at home.
Laughing when we shouldn’t: 1 Someone not paying attention to their surroundings walks into something. Their sudden surprise is your entertainment. 2 Someone trips and catches you by surprise causing you to laugh before asking, “Are you alright?” 3 When grandparents say something that has a double meaning and they have no clue. 4 Watching a movie with your parents and an explicit sex scene comes on. It make you squirm so much that you die laughing to cover up the awkward silence. 5 A man wears a ridiculous toupee, and you are afraid it is going to crawl off of his head. 6 Someone bends over and splits their pants. How dreadfully unexpected! 7 You are at a sad event and someone is crying loud and ridiculously. For a short time, you forget how sad you are. 8 When someone gives a speech and uses the wrong word. 9 Looking through old pictures of yourself and finding it hard to believe that your mother ever loved you. Her taste in your clothing and hairstyles is horrendous to say the least. 10 Riding in an elevator in awkward silence and someone belches or passes gas. All composure is lost.
1 How much do you make? None of your business. 2 Politics. Skip. Next. This isn’t going to end well. 3 Diets. Especially at a wedding. Don’t make me feel bad about eating. I think you were assigned to a different table. 4 The stock market. Listen, I can talk circles around you about sports but the stock market isn’t going to get you a second date with me. 5 Sex life. Whoa, I don’t know you. If you are trying to impress me then you should leave. 6 How old am I? Old enough to kick your butt. 7 Gossiping about others in the room. You may want to take a look in the mirror before you talk about others. 8 Telling me about all of your past relationships on a first date. Wow! You have one more ex to add to your list. I can see why they leave you! 9 Someone droning on and on about ailments or bad relationships making you feel like you have to send out an SOS. 10 Talking with someone who wants to be the center of attention. Excuse me. You don’t need me to have a conversation. Enjoy!
First time conversations when it’s hard to speak up because you are reserved:
1 When you want to ask the boss for more money. Your heart beats so fast that you may pass away before you spit it out. For God’s sake boss, smile instead of looking at me so seriously! 2 The topic of sex with your mate. You have to shut the light off so that you can say it in the dark. 3 The first time you have to train someone and you never did it before. All of a sudden, your words have trouble coming out. Yea, figure it out. 4 Speaking in front of a group. You sway back and forth so much that you may be mistaken for a monster. Everyone has a look of sympathy on their face. 5 Telling your dad that you are pregnant. Even though you are married and it’s perfectly normal, you feel like you did something wrong. Don’t yell at me. 6 Approaching someone who is mad at you. You may walk by them a few times until you gain the courage to start the conversation. Nope. Nope. Not ready. 7 Breaking up with a boyfriend you are dating in your teens. You hope he will do it first to save you the trouble. It’s just so awkward. 8 Telling someone no who tricked you into doing something. They asked what you were doing and now you are babysitting Saturday night. You thought the person was inviting you out. Um excuse me …. 9 When your coworkers want to split the restaurant bill. You are a starving college student who ordered a salad. Somehow you owe $50.You spend the whole meal in distress because the food and drinks are adding up and you can’t afford it. 10 Trying to get your point across to someone who always has an answer and is intimidating. It’s like being thrown back into the boxing ring when you are trying to get away.
1 You look so pretty. I can’t believe you’re still single. (Wow. It’s hard to believe your mom loves you.) 2 Don’t take this the wrong way… (Let me stop you right there since you already started off with your foot in your mouth.) 3 You look so much younger with that hairstyle. (And you will look so much better with the black eye I am going to give you!) 4 You should wear makeup all the time. (And you should tape your mouth shut.) 5 Your baby is precious. He looks nothing like you. (Did you ever look in the mirror.) 6 You carry your weight well. (So well that I can stuff you head first in the trash can.) 7 You’re pretty when you smile. (Maybe you just aren’t funny enough to make me smile.) 8 You’re so cool, it’s like hanging with one of the guys. (Ouch you just friend-zoned me.) 9 It’s awesome that you don’t care what you look like. (I don’t? What the hell are you saying?) 10 You played so well tonight.. Must have been luck. (The only skill you have is running your mouth.)
1 The teacher pairs you up and your partner’s face looks like it is in shock. 2 It is time to brainstorm and the only thing your partner has to say is uh! Let me think. Duh really? 3 Your partner says no to every idea you have without offering any. Just do it! 4 You split up the work but have to pick up your partner’s slack because they are too lazy. 5 Your partner ghosts you when you call, text, or email. 6 Your partner refuses to share information because he wants his part to be better than yours. Boohoo you are lame. 7 They keep coming up with excuses for not getting done on time. Excuse me, you have me confused with your momma. 8 You end up meeting with yourself when they conveniently no show. 9 Your partner does not like you and makes it impossible to communicate. You wish that the teacher knew how little they did. 10 Your partner doesn’t care about their grade and is compromising yours with their inconsideration. Go away loser.
1 Is this your dad? (No dumbass it’s her husband.) 2 When are you due? (Honey there is no baby in there.) 3 Such and such is a bad neighborhood. (Oh, you live there? I’m sure you live in the good part. Insert foot here.) 4 You have a little something on your face. (Oh, it’s a birthmark? Awkward.) 5 What do you look like with hair? (You just made it clear that you aren’t into the bald look.) 6 Why are you still single? (You could have just asked what is wrong with them.) 7 Do you want to get changed before we go? (Nice. You just let the person know that you aren’t going anywhere with them dressed like that.) 8 How did you get invited? (Gee thanks. Looks like someone didn’t want to see me.) 9 Do you have PMS? (No. But you are going to have a black eye.) 10 Why are you so thin? (Sounds like you are jealous and you pretty much told them to go eat a sandwich.)