Why It Is Great To Be A Guy:
1 Phone conversations last 30 seconds
2 The world is your pee ground
3 Haircuts cost $20 including tip
4 There is never a line at the Men’s Room
5 You miss the toilet but don’t have to clean it
6 You only need one backpack for vacation
7 You don’t have a time of the month
8 It’s ok to go gray because it adds character
9 You can take your shirt off if you are hot
10 It’s ok to watch tv in silence with your buddy. He won’t think you are mad.
Bad First Date Signs:
1 He shows up on a bike, and it’s not a motorcycle.
2 She drinks too much and throws up on you when you make a move.
3 He shows up with a reinforcement. Umm no, three is a crowd.
4 She forgets your name and attempts to remember by using the wrong one.
5 He gets out a calculator to figure out who pays for what.
6 She talks negatively about her ex the whole time. It seems like she doesn’t even like men.
7 He brings you back to his place, except it isn’t his place. His room is in the basement of his mom’s house, and he is 30.
8 She doesn’t make eye contact with you the entire night. However, she flirts with the waiter and doesn’t hide the fact that he left his number on the bill.
9 He tells you to dress nice. You wear a cute red dress, and he shows up in a Grateful Dead shirt and jeans.
10 She tells you she is looking for a serious relationship and wants to have a baby within the next year.
Signs you are drunk
1 You have to hold onto the grass so you don’t fall off the earth.
2 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat
3 You can focus better with one eye closed
4 When the tree you swerve to miss is your air freshener
5 You think your dishwasher tablet is a giant sweet tart
6 You sit down on the toilet and try to put your seatbelt on
7 You put your food in the microwave and enter your pin number
8 You think the floor is uneven
9 You go to bed with a ten and wake up with a zero
10 You look around to see who keeps pushing you on the floor
Advice for meeting her parents for the first time:
1 If you bring a bottle of wine, don’t drink the whole bottle yourself.
2 Don’t tell her mom, “Now I know where your daughter gets her hotness from.”
3 A ratty tee shirt and ripped up jeans is not proper attire for a good first impression.
4 Don’t grope your girlfriend in front of her parents.
5 Try not to answer for your girlfriend and dominate the conversation being a know it all.
6 You don’t want to kiss the dad’s ass but definitely do not disagree with everything he says.
7 Her parents probably know you are sleeping together, but there is no need to confirm it.
8 Mind your manners. You shouldn’t chew with you mouth open and burp loudly.
9 If you don’t like the meal being served, suck it up. Don’t spit it out or say it is awful.
10 And most importantly, do not lie. If you plan on staying with your girlfriend, they will find out about all of your lies.
What was I thinking?
1 When I knew I had work the next day but had too much fun the night before anyway. Then the alarm scares the bejesus out of me in the morning.
2 When you send an angry message on impulse before thinking it through. Oh boy. There will be hell to pay for this one.
3 Thinking you could wait to use the bathroom til you get home. Bad choice. Your teeth are floating and you do everything in your power not to think about it.
4 When you don’t get gas when you should thinking that you have plenty. Now you are pushing the car instead of driving it.
5 Not listening to the little voice in your head screaming NOOO and end up in the ER
6 Seeing someone text while crossing the road with their head down or crossing before they look both ways because it is your job to stop.
7 Staying in the sun all day thinking you won’t get burnt. Yeah right! Whose a lobster 🦞 now?
8 Your eyes 👀 are bigger than your stomach and against better judgement keep eating til the food is gone. Now you are overstuffed and uncomfortable.
9 Keeping your contacts in longer than you are supposed to. You don’t need to pay extra for extended wear.
10 Not being able to wait to be an adult. Was it everything you hoped for? 😂 Joke is on you sucker
Lost without my phone. Without it:
1 I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Am I the only person whose internal clock is busted?
2 I wouldn’t be able to call anyone because I don’t memorize any phone numbers. Not being able to text is even worse. I need my questions answered right away and I am prompt with getting back to people. Now they will think I was abducted.
3 I wouldn’t be able to ask Siri a bunch of useless questions that no one else cares about but me. When I can’t remember an actor’s name, I don’t have to wait a couple days until I remember. I also like yelling at Siri when she makes me mad.
4 I wouldn’t be able to buy something the second I mention it. It would be torture to wait until later, especially since I would forget about it by then. I need instant gratification.
5 I wouldn’t be able to make plans since there would be no way to call or send messages. Oh no! I am solo.
6 I wouldn’t be able to find anything to do since all of my events are on facebook. I guess I could drive around aimlessly and look for a place with a lot of cars outside.
7 Something great would happen and then I wouldn’t have my camera to capture the moment.
8 I wouldn’t be able to listen to music and I would be all alone with my thoughts.
9 I would have no clue what the date or time was. Forget about navigation too. I would have to follow the north star.
10 I would have separation anxiety since it allows me to have a wealth of information at my fingertips.
Things I wonder:
1 Why do people use the words well done for their meat? That would make you think it cooked perfectly when in fact it is a burnt piece of rubber. A well done piece of meat needs to be chewed until your teeth ache.
2 Why don’t planes have parachutes? Am I really expected to jump with a flotation device? What if I am not near any water? Will I see a mirage?
3 Why do people say work like a dog when they sit on their ass all day? That sounds like a vacation.
4 What’s the deal with training bras? What exactly is the bra training the boobs to do? I am still waiting for them to grow.
5 Did someone mix up the names for Greenland and Iceland because Greenland is cold and icy and Iceland has mild weather?
6 Who decided that the work week is supposed to be 5 days? Must have been an over achiever. Is there any way to appeal this decision? Why do we all go along with it?
7 Why does happy hour have to be between 5 and 6 pm? Maybe I am happy at a different time. I think I should be able to choose.
8 Why is it called a brainstorm when you think real hard? Are we pushing our brains into overdrive? Is there a danger of our brain exploding from the overuse?
9 If a business says that they are going to treat you like family, doesn’t that make you want to run? To me, that means you are about to be tortured during your stay and have to do everything yourself.
10 Why do people say “Bless your heart” if they aren’t really trying to be nice? I used to think that was so sweet until someone said it is mean to be an insult. Why not just say piss off?
What color hair do they list for bald on a drivers license?
Choose from one of the options below:
1 Translucent – See through
2 Challenged – Unable to grow any.
3 Barren – Empty of hair
4 Glossy – Shiny head
5 Lost – Can’t find any
6 Leveled – Taken away
7 Smooth – Overly landscaped
8 Clean – Hair was mowed
9 Not one – None to count
10 Hiding – Having trouble locating any
Rituals we believe will help our sport teams win:
1 Not shaving your beard until the season is over. How can you expect your team to win when you look like you have been in quarantine for years? Better be careful or the authorities may take you away to the loony bin.
2 Praying to God. Listen, God is a very busy man dealing with serious issues. What makes you think he will drop everything to answer your prayer on demand?
3 Wearing the same outfit as the last time they won. I would think every fan of that team would also have to wear the same exact outfit for this to even be a possibility.
4 You listen to certain music that pumps you up before the game. Now the rest of us have to deal with a super hyper fool.
5 You put a curse on the other team whenever they have the ball so that they will lose. Wow, you must be some kind of witch with all of that Abra Cadabra nonsense.
6 Using your rally towel to cheer on your team. Hit me with that towel one more time and I will wrap it around your neck.
7 Eating a certain meal before the game. Don’t worry about us. We aren’t hungry. We will just starve.
8 Standing in a certain spot while watching the game. Sit down! No one wants to look at you when they are trying to watch the game.
9 Holding a good luck charm. How do you plan to be a good host/hostess using one hand? Put that thing down and stop acting like a two year old.
10 Concentrating really hard so that you can send energy to help the team win. Don’t pop a brain cell over it. We don’t want your brain to overheat.
