1 I am a master chopper. Oh crap, where did my finger go? 2 I can throw the pizza dough up in the air too! Oopsie, the fan blades hit that dough like a baseball. 3 You carry the stock pot full of sauce across the kitchen and it falls out of your hands. Your floor, cabinets, appliances, and walls look like a murder scene. 4 Your cute little snowman cakes don’t look like the magazine. They look like they were caught in a nuclear meltdown. 5 The presentation of your food on the plate looks like someone upchucked. 6 You throw water on a grease fire and have no ceiling tiles left. 7 You can’t keep up with the steps of the recipe and are stressed out because you didn’t get the ingredients ready ahead of time. It’s hard to fly by the seat of your pants when you are under fire. 8 You replace ingredients that you have no business replacing because you are out of something. Tsk tsk tsk. 9 You cook on high because you are short on time. 10 You don’t taste the food until the end and are surprised when it doesn’t taste good.
1 You are telling a joke and have everyone’s attention only to forget the punch line. 2 Someone tells a joke and you don’t get it until the middle of the night and then start laughing. 3 You get mad when people don’t laugh at the joke and continue to tell it to change their response. 4 You speak in a monotone and just aren’t funny no matter what you say. 5 The person you are telling it to gets offended and you are no longer speaking. 6 The person listens attentively and when you get to the punch line, they say it before you do. 7 The person doesn’t know the subject matter of your joke so you have to go back and explain it in great detail and then tell the joke again. Somehow it isn’t funny anymore. 8 You tell the joke and no one laughs. Someone else tells it and the same people are rolling all over the floor. 9 Your audience stinks. After your joke, you hear crickets. 10 No one can relate to your joke. Awkward. Walk away!!!
1 Riding shotgun – There are only 2 feet between the front and back seats. You might think it was in another car the way the kids carry on. 2 Taking the first shower – One sibling wasn’t interested in taking a shower until the other sibling said they were taking one. Before you know it, there is a race up the steps. 3 Who is going to help mom – One child isn’t interested until you ask the other child. Then they start fighting over who is going to help. 4 Who the dog loves more – The poor dog runs to one sibling and an all-out war starts about who the dog likes better. 5 Who is better at video games – The friendly dinner conversation turns into a food fight. 6 Who received the better Xmas gifts- They can’t just say both of us. Instead, there is a contest gift by gift to debate over which one is better. 7 The favorite child – Each child is convinced that they hold the title even though there is no favorite. 8 The remote is like the key to the kingdom. Wrestling breaks out and tv time becomes WWE. 9 Throwing your sibling under the bus to mom and dad – Oh there will be hell to pay as soon as you are out of sight from mom and dad’s watchful eyes. 10 Looking at each other- Mom, he is looking at me!! This drives you insane, especially when they fight over who is staring. Close your eyes.
1 Fall out dying laughter -You are watching tv and something funny happens to make you have an unplanned outburst of laughter. No one else has to be in the room with you. 2 Evil laugh – Your team wins at the last minute and you let out a tension laugh aimed at the losing team. 3 Forced courtesy laugh – someone said something that they thought was funny. You have to laugh out of obligation, but you can barely get it out. 4 Snorting laugh – something is so funny and you can’t breathe and laugh at the same time. The result is a snort that sounds like a snore. 5 Nervous laugh – You are in an awkward situation and the only thing you can think of doing is to laugh to fill the silence. By the looks you are getting, everyone thinks you are crazy.. 6 A giggle – You overhear someone saying something ridiculous but don’t want to be too loud or they will hear you laugh. 7 A belly laugh – The contagious laugh that makes everyone else around you laugh. They even forget why they started laughing. 8 Cackler – You can identify their laugh as the loudest in the room. They sound like a chicken laying an egg. 9 Rich person laugh – It is very proper and sounds more like a melody. It is very sing-songy. 10 Hysterical laughter – increases in intensity the longer the laugh goes on. Sometimes makes your eyes tear.
1 They criticize your stuff. No one said you had to buy it. C’ya later. 2 People are impatiently waiting while you are setting up, and the sale doesn’t start for an hour. No loitering. Learn how to read a clock. 3 People switching tags or pocketing items. I can clearly see you! 4 They try to return stuff after they bought it “as is”. This isn’t a department store. All sales are final. You bought it, so it is all yours. 5 They rudely insist on paying a lower price and can buy it cheaper somewhere else. Don’t let the door hit you in the arse. 6 They haggle with you over prices. This isn’t Let’s Make A Deal. This is Buy It Or Get Lost. 7 They pay with a $100 bill. I have change for a $20. This isn’t a bank. 8 They ask for boxes and bags when their car is parked at the curb. Would you like that gift wrapped too? 9 They want to use your restroom. Only if you buy the rest of my stuff. Otherwise NO. 10 They try to swindle your kid when they take over while you take a quick break. Luckily your kid takes after you.
Thoughts running through my head as I wait on hold for an hour:
1 Is this a game of endurance to see who will hang up first? I’m a stubborn mule so it won’t be me. 2 Is the horrific music so that I can choke myself out before you answer? Give me something I can sing along to instead of “Titantic push Jack under the water” music. 3 If you disconnect me now, I will beat the phone against my desk and break everything in the room. 4 Everyone must have called out and the one person left is taking their good old time. 5 Did someone go out to lunch and not let me know? 6 If I hang up now, I invested too much time and might have to wait even longer next time. 7 Maybe if I jump in my car I can get to their office to watch the surprise on their face to see me in person. 8 They must be working from home and are keeping me on hold while they are taking a shower, drinking coffee, and eating breakfast. HELLO?! 9 There is no way this person can be that busy. I think they fell asleep. Wake up!!! 10 They are probably asking Siri or Alexa how to do it because they are totally clueless. I think maybe this career isn’t for you.
Why you hold onto clothes instead of getting rid of them:
1 You are saving a specific outfit for when you paint. (Really, the last time you painted was 7 years ago) 2 You want to save your size 2 jeans in case you lose weight. They are your inspiration. (Honey, hate to break it to you but you haven’t seen size 2 since high school.) 3 It still has a tag on it and you haven’t worn it. (If you really loved it that tag would have been off a long time ago. You aren’t going to change your mind anytime soon) 4 You don’t feel right in that sexy shirt you bought but you are going to hold onto it just in case. (Um why? You aren’t going to feel right in it a year from now if it isn’t right now) 5 You have a bunch of long sundresses for a cruise and are saving them for your next cruise which may not happen for ten years. (By then you will want new dresses. Let them go!) 6 Someone gave it to you as a gift and you feel bad to get rid of it. (Let them see you wear it once and if you really don’t like it, get rid of it) 7 You love to wear a certain ridiculous looking outfit when you are not leaving the house or seeing anyone. (Ditch them because if someone does come to the door, you are going to die of embarrassment. Find something else comfortable to wear.) 8 They hold sentimental value of good memories. (Take a picture next time. They last longer.) 9 It might come back into style. (Yea maybe 20 years from now. The trash can is that way.) 10 It’s in perfectly good condition so there is no reason to ditch it. (Just because it is in good condition doesn’t mean it looks good.)
1 Anything is better than the sound of nothing. It drives us crazy. 2 We begin to think of reasons why the person isn’t talking to us. 3 We become so nervous that we have no clue that we are babbling away. 4 Some people love to talk and don’t actually need another person to have a conversation. They can handle both sides. 5 We need to know what the other person is thinking. It is like cracking a code. 6 We feel like we failed as a social butterfly. 7 We feel bad because we mistakenly think the other person is stuck in their shell and we are just the person to get them out. 8 They are usually the life of the party so if the other person doesn’t want to engage with them, they will lose their title. 9 Silence is an abyss and we accept the challenge to fill it. 10 If we aren’t talking with someone then we are all alone with our thoughts and issues. Oh no! It’s so much easier to be entertaining.#blog #top10 #funny #silence
1 When you have to pee and you can feel your eyeballs floating. 2 When you are waiting to get a medical or dental procedure done and you are nervous. Waiting makes you change your mind a million times and run for the door. 3 When you are waiting on someone to pick you up and you look out the window 100 times and pace back and forth. 4 When you are waiting to find out if a company is going to hire you. They tell you the day they will be calling and you stare at the phone willing it to ring. 5 When you take a pregnancy test and walk out of the bathroom until it is ready. Your entire fate is up in the air and depends on a plus or minus sign. 6 Our paychecks, especially when we spent our check the day we received it. 7 Talking to someone at the cable company. They just want you to hang up so that you can’t complain about your bill. 8 Waiting for water to boil when you are starving. It’s like time is standing still and you don’t see one bubble. 9 A movie to start at the movie theater. You feel like you already watched a movie with all of the previews. 10 Waiting for the new season of your favorite show to start. So many months have passed that you can no longer remember how it ended.
1 When you don’t want to give someone a few seconds to make sure no other cars are coming through the intersection. I’m sorry are you in a rush? 2 When you incessantly honk for your kid to get the groceries while you sit in the car. How about you get out of the car and carry them in yourself? 3 When you are trying to get to someone’s house and take 2 seconds to look at the street sign to see if it is where you turn. Give me a break. 4 When you let someone in front of you and the person behind you doesn’t like it. You are about to get brake checked. 5 When I am trying to sleep and you are trying to get your friend to come outside. Did you ever hear of a doorbell or a text message? 6 When we are sitting in traffic because two lanes are merging and you are salty that I was able to maneuver my way into the space that you didn’t want to give me. Crybaby. 7 When I am trying to parallel park and you are stuck behind me for an extra 30 seconds. OMG it is the end of the world! 8 When someone is making a left at the light and there is no turning lane and you are mad. Too bad! Do you expect them to go a different way to make you happy? 9 Honking at the geese crossing the road. It won’t make them move any faster. You may as well get comfortable. 10 When you are behind a driving school car and a nervous kid is behind the wheel. Suck it up ya big bully.