1 It feels like you have a barbed wire fence in your mouth. 2 You saw the orthodontist put the spacers in your mouth. They were tiny but now they feel like popcorn kernels are stuck between your teeth. 3 It is suggested to eat soft foods in the beginning. If you try to bite into anything, it feels like your teeth are fractured and about to fall out of your face. 4 The rubber bands are brutal. They are so difficult to get around the hooks. When they snap, it hurts like a mother. 5 You wake up with your cheek stuck to the wire that goes through your braces. Now you have to pry the inside of your cheek off of the wire. The inside of your mouth is a mess. 6 You try and show your friends that you can still chew gum while wearing braces. The bubble pops and the gum is stuck everywhere. 7 All of a sudden you are lisping when you talk. Oh my God! What is going on? 8 You break a wire. The orthodontist said to call if one ever broke and that it would not be a problem. Now you are there and you have to go through the inquisition. It seems like it is a problem. 9 Every time you get your wires tightened, you feel like your dentist’s goal in life is to torture you. You can’t sleep because your mouth is throbbing and your teeth feel broken. OUCH. 10 You have been counting down since the day your braces were put on. The dentist must be confused because he keeps adding time.
1 Shaving every day or every other day. How does it grow so fast? It’s like mowing the grass on your body and the lawn only has to be mowed once a week. 2 Plucking or waxing eyebrows – Youch! It is irritating either way. Plucking is the torture of one hair at a time. Waxing is the anticipation of pulling that tape. 3 Highlights – To get that beautiful sun-kissed hair color, we sit in the chair for hours and each portion is painted and wrapped in foil. We look like an alien who is trying to get a television channel on a different planet. 4 Fake eyelashes when ours isn’t long enough. The adhesive is tricky and if we aren’t careful, we have a permanent wink. 5 Face masks – We scare the hell out of anyone who walks in the room. The mask goes on as a liquid and then hardens so that we can pull it off like a halloween mask. 6 We use blow dryers, curling irons and straightening irons and risk burning our face or neck. They are dangerous weapons. 7 Wear the most uncomfortable shoes because they look beautiful. It’s okay that you may need to use crutches tomorrow. 8 Powders, creams, lotions, and makeup to look fabulous. It’s like a witches potion. 9 Fake tans that leave you looking like an oompa loompa or sun bathing to give you that nice red lobster look 10 Dieting – We starve ourselves half to death and nearly pass out from hunger just to hear we look great. Waiter!!
1 You have to sit on top of the eye chart to read it 2 You try to make a phone call with the remote 3 You keep missing your turn when driving because you can’t read the signs 4 You have trouble holding a conversation at a party because you can’t tell people apart 5 You panic and think your dog ran away because you can’t see him at night in the backyard. 6 You are constantly asked how many fingers people are holding up 7 You talk to a coat tree thinking it is a person 8 You go to pick up the toy that dropped on the floor but it’s really a mouse 9 You apply eye makeup and people are scared when they see you. You look like a haunted house employee 10 You thought you bought paper plates at the grocery store and find out they were tortillas when you get them home
1 You throw some blonde highlights in your dark hair and look like a bengal tiger. 2 There is more dye on the floor, sink, and your shirt than on your head. 3 Not only did you dye your hair but your ears and side of your face match too. 4 You try to dye your brows. Either they fall out or you look like a theatrical nightmare. 5 Your scalp has an allergic reaction to the dye. Yikes! 6 You leave it in too long and you look like the mistress of darkness. 7 Your hair is long and one box isn’t gonna do it. Everyone in the store is looking at the crazy lady who ran in like a bat out of hell with dye in her hair. 8 You close yourself in the bathroom with all the windows closed breathing in nasty fumes. You are killing brain cells by the second. 9 You put so much bleach in your hair and it is dried out. You are surprised when a horse mistakes your hair for hay. 10 You think you are a chemist and mix two boxes of color together. Give your hair a break. It’s not a science project.
1 You have to get a 75” TV because you can’t see anything smaller. 2 If you go into the ocean for a little swim, you have no clue where your blanket is when you come out. Hopefully your people will flag you down. 3 When you wake up in the morning you can’t see the clock without squinting or tugging at the corners of your eyes. 4 Your world is out of focus and distorted. You feel like you are stuck in a funhouse. 5 Sometimes you see double and that’s before drinking. 6 You can’t see street signs until you are on top of them or when you pass them. It takes a lot longer to navigate. 7 If something is in your eye, you can’t get it out because you can’t see without glasses. It’s a catch 22. 8 You can’t see the scale without taking a picture of it and zooming in. 9 You think you recognize people from across the room and wave enthusiastically, only to find out it is a stranger. 10 You get mad when you can’t get into your car then eventually realize it’s not yours.
1 A rubberband is worn on your wrist like a bracelet in case your hair needs emergency intervention. 2 You invest in conditioner, frizz cream, hot oil and any other experimental treatments that may work. 3 Don’t get your hair cut too short or it will puff up like a poodle. 4 Don’t straighten your hair if you are going to the beach. It is a no win battle. 5 There is no way you can wake up and run out the door. Your hair looks like medusa. 6 Brushing your hair is a no no. It will look like a rat’s nest if you do. 7 You can’t have men sleep over for fear that you would never see them again if they saw your bedhead. 8 Your bangs are a weather forecaster and look like the Monopoly man’s mustache if rain is on the way. 9 Traveling with the car windows down is a nightmare because your hair transforms into a chia pet. 10 Check the weather before doing your hair. If it’s going to be humid or rainy, surrender immediately.
1 You cough so hard, that it feels like you did 100 sit-ups 2 Your nose is stuffed so you blow it and nothing happens. You blow harder and your ear blows out and starts ringing. 3 You keep waiting to take your meds again because you feel like death. Four more hours to go. 4 Your room is filling up with dirty tissues. Pretty soon your husband won’t be able to find you. 5 Every time you try to eat, the food tastes like it went bad. 6 You see yourself in the mirror and look like something that came out of a horror movie. 7 You coughed so much that your voice sounds horrific. 8 Don’t bother looking up your symptoms. You are dead. 9 You start to wonder if alcohol will work better since the meds aren’t doing the trick. 10 You are so sick that Alexa is ignoring you so she doesn’t get sick.
1 You work at an oral surgeon’s office and are terrified to fall asleep for fear of waking up in the chair. 2 You look at the tools on the tray in the room, and they remind you of torture scenes in movies. 3 You hear someone moan or cry out in another room, and your first thought is to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. 4 You hear the drill, and your teeth instantly hurt. 5 The dentist insists on asking you questions when working on your mouth. How can you hold a conversation with tools and hands in your mouth? 6 Even better, you are trying to answer when they tell you to rinse out. The problem is, you have a bloody string of spit hanging from your lips that won’t go away. 7 The dentist comes at you with a big needle, and you can’t help but wonder if you just took your last breath. 8 The dentist puts a nitrous mask over your nose and mouth, and you hope you don’t wake up in the trunk of your kidnapper’s car. 9 You feel like you went to first base with someone you never wanted to get to know better. 10 You feel like you are being held prisoner with your mouth open forever. The longer you sit, the more you hate the dentist. You find yourself getting agitated and want to yell, “Hurry up already!”
1 You tried to pick it and now it looks like an angry volcano. 2 You put concealer on it but now it is more noticeable. 3 You put ice on it. The zit is still there but your face is numb. 4 You put a dab of toothpaste on it. Now you have fresh breath and a minty face. 5 You mixed a natural home remedy with garlic cloves and lemon. Now you have a rash on your face in addition to the pimple you started with. 6 You tried witch hazel but now you are casting spells and the pimple moved to the tip of your nose. 7 You used super glue instead of Elmer’s to remove the pimple. Oops, you just lost a layer of skin and look sunburnt. 8 Your pimple on your forehead is so big it looks like a cyclops. It is getting worse so you tie on a headband to cover that sucker up. 9 Nothing is working so strap a mask on and call it a day. 10 Color it black and call it a beauty mark.
1 Save that instrument in case we need to do an autopsy. 2 Accept this sacrifice great lord of darkness. 3 Spot! Put that down! Bad dog!! 4 Hand me that thing a ma bob over there. 5 Fire!! Evacuate the premises immediately! 6 Well folks, we all learn from our mistakes. Better luck next time. 7 Honey, what do you mean you want a DIVORCE!! 8 Damn, I am having trouble focusing today. 9 Oh no! Where are my instructions? I forget what comes next. 10 Just hand me the instrument. You don’t need to sterilize it. The three-second rule applies here.