The trouble with crutches: 1 Your armpits get so sore you feel like all of your skin rubbed off. 2 Going downstairs feels like a suicide mission every time. 3 The tip of your crutch keeps catching and tripping you up. You blame it on defective crutches. 4 Stairs become your enemy. You can never remember whether it is crutch first or foot first. Ugghh you suck at dance routines. 5 Oh crap, I can’t get out of the car. It took so long to get in, I forgot to grab the crutches. 6 My hands are full of blisters, and I even tried wearing gloves. 7 Sitting on the toilet is like trying to do a magic trick. Impossible! 8 Like I don’t have enough problems without snow on the ground. 9 My crutches fell while I was in the shower. Oh, God. I am crawling on the floor naked trying to get to them. 10 Cooking is an obstacle course. Everything you try to carry is all over the floor.
1 You over condition your hair and it looks like you washed it with Crisco. 2 You straighten your bangs but it’s humid out. Throughout the day they transform into a handlebar mustache. 3 You blow dry your hair and it looks like a frizzy rat’s nest. 4 You try to get away with not wetting your head and your hair looks worse than bed head. You look like you combed your hair with a rock. 5 Your cowlick is in rare form and stands straight up to salute you, no matter what you do. 6 You buy cheap gel to save money. Maybe you should have opened your wallet a little more because your hair isn’t holding up at all. 7 You have fine hair and you try to make it look fuller by adding layers. Now you look like you have a mullet. 8 You put your hair in a ponytail and it looks pathetically small. Everyone that walks past you wants to say, “Poor thing” to your hair. It is a limp biscuit. 9 You part your hair in a differently than normal. It protests by doing whatever the hell it wants. 10 You start straightening your hair but it feels like it is taking hours. Your arms feel like they are going to fall out of their sockets. Now you have half straight and half curly hair. You look ridiculous.
Why Diets Can Fail: 1 You want to lose thirty pounds by the weekend and will do whatever it takes. 2 You get on the scale the day after starting your diet and are disappointed by the numbers. That’s it, I’m done. Pass the cookies. 3 You go on a diet the day before vacation and make everyone miserable including yourself. Just eat already. 4 You are so hungry by dinner that you pull up a chair to the refrigerator and dig in. 5 To lose weight you will not eat more than 500 calories a day. Period. 6 You want to lose weight without exercising. 7 You can’t understand why you aren’t losing weight after drinking a case of beer. 8 You trust a restaurant to feed you the right portions for your diet. 9 You forget to account for everything you ate. You already told yourself the candy bar was because you were stressed and the doritos were because you worked hard and deserved it. 10 You misread food labels and ate about 8 servings too many. Oh boy.
You may sweat to much if: 1 You work out and it feels like you took a shower. When you attempt to lay down on a workout bench, you fall to the floor. 2 You have to pack an extra five shirts in case you need to change. 3 You have to walk around with your arms pinned to your sides so no one sees the pit stains. 4 You get out of bed and an outline of your body remains on the sheet. 5 You eat hot peppers and your forehead has beads of sweat. 6 You can’t text because your fingers are too slippery. 7 You can’t see because sweat keeps dripping into your eyes. 8 You fall in the sand and look like a powdered donut when you stand up. 9 You immediately have a sweatstache the minute you walk out the door. 10 You can’t wear sunglasses because they slide off your face.
1 Cutting your toenail too short and being reminded with every step you take. Oochie. Ouchie. 2 Using hair remover on your eyebrows instead of plucking. You get a little carried away and are missing half of one. Now you look like a freak. 3 You cut yourself shaving and it looks like you lost a battle with a meat hook. 4 Tanning yourself naturally and falling asleep with your hand on your arm or leg. Now you have a hand imprint tattoo. Worse yet, you don’t take off your sunglasses and have big white circles around your eyes and look like a raccoon. 5 Having dandruff and not using Head & Shoulders. Your hair and shirt look like they were in a blizzard. 6 Pulling skin off your lip when it is chapped. Now it looks gross and it burns every time you eat or drink. Invest in extra lip balm!! 7 Going for a bikini wax and hurting for days after. It hurts to walk and sit and getting waxed felt worse than a torture chamber, 8 You are using your curling iron and smell hair burning. When you pull the curling iron away, the piece of hair that you were curling is still attached to it. You scream bloody murder. 9 You pop a pimple to make it go away. Now it looks like a volcano. It’s hard not to look at it. 10 You are a hairy guy and refuse to groom your body hair. Listen if you could be mistaken for a bear when in the woods and risk getting shot, you need to shave.
Hating needles: 1 You have tattoos but run away from your flu shot 2 You turn your head and cringe while waiting for the pain, not realizing the shot was already given. 3 When you see a little bit of liquid squirt out of the needle, you silently pray that it isn’t a lethal injection. The nurse’s smile looked a little too wicked for your liking. 4 When the nurse says she will be right back, you make a run for the door. 5 You are a human pin cushion when it comes to sewing, constantly getting pricked by the needle, yet you can’t handle a little shot. 6 You get acupuncture and look like a porcupine but break out in a sweat with the thought of a syringe. 7 You welcome cupid’s arrow but avoid needles. 8 You ask for the pill form instead. 9 You go to the dentist and ask to be knocked out for a cavity to avoid the needle. 10 You go to the drive-thru site for your flu vaccine. You mistakenly thought it was drive by where they tried to throw the needle into the arm as you drove by.
When you are sick at work: 1 Everyone wants you to pack up your germs and go home. They bust out the Lysol cans as soon as the door closes. 2 Your coworkers are trying to figure out when they are going to come down with your disease. It better not fall on a weekend! 3 You would have called in dead but your work only gives vacation days. You aren’t about to waste one of those on an illness. Oh hell no. 4 Your nose won’t stop running and you need to finish typing up your report. Time to stuff tissues up your nose. 5 You are congested and can’t get enough oxygen because your mask is cutting off your air supply. 6 You can feel people cringe when you walk around the office. They are holding their breath until you get back to your desk. Back in your cage! 7 You walk the halls aimlessly covered in layers of blankets looking for the nurse’s office so that you can get sent home immediately. 8 The only reason you can function is because you are full of meds. Everyone better get their questions and work in before the meds wear off. It’s a race against the clock. 9 Your coworkers find you face down in you papers sound asleep. 10 Your head is pounding so you can only work with the lights off and sunglasses on. You snap at everyone to shut up because their voice is slicing through your brain. It hurts to think.
Migraines: 1 The pain is intense. You tie a bandanna as tight as you can around your forehead. Not because you want to look like a hippie, but because squeezing your head may strangle the headache. 2 You need to sit in the dark with sunglasses on and try to sleep it off. Your friends may start thinking that you are a vampire, but light is your enemy. 3 The pain has touched your stomach, and now you are nauseous. It’s even worse because you feel like you have a hangover without drinking a drop of alcohol. 4 Your head hurts so bad that you lost all ability to make any decisions. What’s for dinner? Who cares. Guess what happened? No thanks. Don’t talk to me. 5 You will take anything just to make it go away. Why me? 6 When someone says they never had a headache, you wish you could use your magic wand so that they can share the experience. 7 Noise and children don’t mix well with a headache. It feels like you have bionic ears, and every sound is amplified to the max. 8 When someone tells you, at least it’s not life-threatening, they don’t realize that their life is in danger at that very moment. You are in no mood for stupid comments. 9 Someone tells you that you give yourself migraines because you don’t handle stress well. Oh my lord, baby Jesus. You have no clue what words are coming out of your mouth. 10 When you are on your last leg, and it takes every ounce of energy to make it to work, and someone asks what a migraine feels like. After you roll your eyes, you tell them to stub their toe over and over for the rest of the day or to keep drinking really cold drinks so that they keep getting brain freeze. Or wear a motorcycle helmet that is two sizes too small for the entire day. That’s a good start. Now go away.
Wearing a mask: 1 You forget you are wearing one and try to pop a snack into your mouth. Whoopsie. 2 You feel like you are going to a masquerade party every day. 3 You may be able to hide a smile or a frown, but your eyes say it all. 4 If you wear glasses, you are now blind from the fog that your breath creates. 5 Keys, check. Wallet, check. Mask, ugh. 6 If your nose is running, don’t worry; your mask will catch it. Eww. 7 It keeps you warm in the winter. Now you have a mouth scarf. 8 It makes you claustrophobic when working out. 9 Somehow, wearing a mask has made you hard of hearing. 10 You now have a harness around your ears.
1 Your skin is so dry it looks like the desert. 2 Your hair looks like you belong in an 80’s band because you need a good haircut. 3 The bottom of your feet look like they have barnacles. 4 You need to shave before you get mistaken for a sasquatch. 5 Your wardrobe is so outdated that you look like a throwback. 6 Your eyebrows look like caterpillars and it isn’t appealing. 7 You ditch the makeup and everyone thinks you are sick. 8 Your nail polish is peeling and your friends look at you with their lip curled. They are disgusted with you. 9 Wearing gold is fashionable unless it’s your teeth. 10 Your mustache is so bushy, you look like a 70’s porn star.