1 You camp on the beach for soccer, and have to go to the bathroom. On the way back everything is dark and you can’t tell one tent from another. You hear snoring that sounds like a grizzly bear and turn to make sure it isn’t chasing you. 2 You go hiking in the woods and can’t find your way back. You ask a tree, but don’t get an answer. Ten miles later, you make it back, but you were only looking to walk 3 miles. 3 Before GPS you would stop and ask for directions. The person would give so many details that you would go as far as you could remember and ask again. After 20 stops or so you would reach your destination. Somehow it always felt like a treasure hunt. 4 When you were younger and your father didn’t stop for directions and would blame it on everyone else in the car if he got lost. How can you blame it on a kid who doesn’t even know how to drive? 5 When your GPS can’t keep up with the City and it tells you to turn three blocks after you passed it. 6 When you really get lost and have no idea where you are, and the locals have no idea where New Jersey is. Where the hell am I? 7 When you have a split-second to make a decision on which direction to go and it is the wrong one, but there is no place to turn around. Change of plans! 8 When you don’t know your North’s from your South’s and somehow end up going East or West. 9 Back in the day when you tried to help with directions only to realize that you had the map upside down 🤦🏻♀️ 10 When you are driving along only to realize that you are on a one-way street. You realize it when traffic is coming at you. At first you wonder why these idiots are going the wrong way and then you realize that you are the idiot. REVERSE!
Ways to get rid of a bad date: 1 “I better get home to my husband.” 2 “Any suggestions on what we should name our kids?” 3 “This is so embarrassing but I am allergic to your cologne.” 4 “I better get home to my kids. An hour is the longest they have been home alone.” 5 “Oh my God, our waiter is so hot! I have to get his number.” 6 Spill your drink on yourself then say you have to go home to change. 7 “I just saw my ex. He must be out of prison. I better go. If he sees me with you, he will kill you.” 8 “I am really not interested in sex anymore. I just need a companion. 9 “Are you paying for dinner? Oh good. I would like a bottle of your best wine and a whole lobster.” 10 Use bad manners. Talk and eat the entire time, burp, and yell for the waiter from across the room.
Public restrooms: 1 Your stomach hurts and you have to do a number 2. You try and hold it until everyone leaves but it can’t wait. Take cover. 2 You see feet underneath a couple stalls down but no noise. It is night time and you’re afraid a murderer is in the bathroom. 3 You already started to tinkle and then notice there is no toilet paper. Now you have to wait until someone comes in next to your stall or drip dry. 4 You are going to the bathroom and a little kids head pops in under your stall. Uh hello, where is your mommy and why is she letting you crawl on the floor? 5 You aren’t done going to the bathroom yet and the toilet flushes. It is so powerful that you look like you just took a shower. 6 Someone is talking on the phone in their stall. Really! Can you be quiet? 7 Someone is just about taking a bath in the sink. Don’t stare. Just walk away. 8 Your door won’t lock and it’s the only one left. You keep playing ping pong with it until you are done and are exhausted. 9 You think the stall is empty and the door is stuck so you pull it open. Surprise! Someone is sitting on the toilet. They look ridiculous and angry. Run! 10 The person next to you keeps trying to have a conversation. You just want them to go away. Creepy!
When your picnic doesn’t turn out quite the way you planned: 1 An army of 🐜 ants decides to join the party. 2 Bees 🐝 start chasing and keep you running instead of eating. 3 A seagull waits until you set up your picnic and calls his friends to tell them lunch is ready. They swoop in and leave you with crumbs. 4 You packed lunch for four but some kid you never met before decides to become a part of your family. 5 You set up under a pavilion. The ranger politely waits until you are ready to eat then tells you the area is reserved. Very funny. 6 You decide to sit in the grass to get closer to nature. The next day you have poison ivy. 7 It’s much windier than you thought. Lunch turns into chase after your food, plates, napkins and cups. 8 You put ice in the cooler instead of ice packs. Everyone’s sandwich is soggy. 9 You have delicious food and snacks but no napkins. 10 You have to go to the bathroom but there’s no bathroom in sight.
Allergies: 1 Your eyes get so red it looks like you smoked the wacky tobacky, or they are so puffy it looks like you didn’t sleep in weeks. 2 You sneeze so many times that people are tired of blessing you and seem angry 😤 as if you are doing it on purpose. 3 Your nose is running off of your face. You are about to shove tissues up your nose until it stops. 4 You broke out into hives and look like you have a catchy disease. No one wants to come near you. 5 You have asthma and your coughing fit turns into an asthma attack. People ask if you are alright while impatiently waiting for you to answer. You can’t speak so you start gesturing wildly like a game of charades. 6 You ate something that you are allergic to and your face blows up like a pufferfish. Epi-pen anyone? 7 Your nose is so stuffed and you have a sinus headache. Every time you sneeze you feel great for 3 seconds until your head fills up again. 8 Your eyes keep watering, and people think you are crying. They are treating you so nice that you don’t feel like telling them it’s allergies. 9 You can’t find the right allergy meds. One makes you zonk out at work. The other makes you speed like you drank a pot of espresso. 10 You can’t hear because your ears won’t pop and when you bend over to pick something up, you are immediately dizzy and have to hold onto something.
How to drive your kids crazy: 1 Wait until they sit down and get nice and comfy then ask for something to eat or drink. 2 Take their car out and use all of their gas so they have to fill up their car next time they drive it. 3 Since they never write down when they use the last of something, hide all the batteries so that they are out of luck when their controller turns off. Too bad. 4 Talk non stop when they are watching their favorite show. 5 Leave your stuff all over the family room floor and see how they like it. 6 Tell someone what your kid said about them or rat on them to dad. 7 Jump up and down on their bed when they are sleeping. 8 Bust in on them when they are in the bathroom. 9 Ignore them when they call your name and make them repeat themselves a few times. 10 If you have a boy, saran wrap the toilet so that it gets everywhere when they pee. It’s not like they can hit the target anyway.
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You know it’s time to throw stuff out when: 1 You have clothes for every occasion: painting, gardening, time of the month, lounging around, in case you lose weight 2 You have manuals for things you don’t own anymore. 3 You have college books from 20 years ago just in case you need to look something up. 4 You have leftover cans of paint for every time you ever painted. Maybe you can have a craft night. 5 You have menus for every establishment in the state. You need to have options. 6 You have a drawer of unmatched socks just in case the other one decides to show up. 7 You have a whole box of cords and no idea where they belong. 8 Books you read and don’t want to get rid of even though you will never read them again. 9 Gowns from every wedding you have been in including your own. Unless you are opening up a dress shop move on. 10 Your drug cabinets. You have things so old it will kill you instead of making you better.
1 Walk home from work. Hopefully, you live closeby. 2 Buy a puppy and act like you don’t know where it came from when your husband asks. 3 Quit your job and just pretend to go to work in the morning. 4 Every time something upsets you, say “Cheers” and take a shot. After a while nothing will bother you. 5 Throw something at the person stressing you out. They may not feel better but you will. 6 Slap someone and tell them it was a mosquito. 7 If you are stressed eat desserts. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. 8 Put your work away and color. 9 Take an afternoon nap. Your boss will not know what to say. 10 Forget about yoga. Get an ice cream.
When your weekend is over: 1 You demand a redo since it went by too fast. 2 You stayed up all night to get the most out of the last day and slept through Monday. 3 Your Monday lasts longer than the entire weekend. 4 Although you don’t get paid for Saturday and Sunday, you convince yourself that it is better than going into work Monday thru Friday. 5 You burst out crying when it is time to go to bed Sunday. 6 You are convinced someone hit fast forward. 7 You have to call out sick Monday because you are in denial. 8 You go to the boss to discuss the three day weekend and use mental health as your argument. 9 When your boss calls to see where you are on Monday, you ask him why he is calling you on a Sunday. 10 You start looking for jobs that give you summers off.
Things that are hard to tell your husband: 1 “Um Babe, There is a little scratch on the car, but it’s barely noticeable.” He goes outside to inspect and you hear him screaming by the time you count to three. 2 “I did a little shopping today to treat myself.” He comes home from work to find 18 boxes piled in front of the door. 3 “I was pulled over for speeding. My ticket is $250.” Why so high? “I was going 80 in a 55. I wanted to get home to you.” 4 “I sort of got fired today. I told my boss no, and when he threatened me with my job, I told him where to stick it.” 5 “I went to the bar last night and drank too much. Apparently, I bought the entire bar a round of drinks. You will probably see it on the credit card bill.” 6 “Where did the dog come from? Well, I was window shopping and went into a pet shop and fell in love and couldn’t tell this guy no. Look at those 👀 eyes! 7 “OMG my windshield has a crack. Well more like a giant crater. You know that asteroid they were talking about in the news? Yep, part of it broke off. I’m lucky to be alive to tell this story. 8 “My ex called me and he still has feelings for me. He will do anything to get me back. So what will you do to keep me?” 9 “I took the rent money and lost it playing craps at the casino. I was so close to making a fortune. You should have seen me. For the foreseeable future, we might be eating by candlelight, cooking over a campfire, and taking a bath in the lake.” 10 “My parents can’t afford their bills and didn’t know what to do. I insisted that they move in with us. Now you and my dad will have plenty of quality time to spend together.”
How people pick out the winner at a horse race when betting: 1 You don’t know a thing about horses but go check out the horses before the race to see which one looks healthy. Yours is the horse that goes backwards out of the gate! 2 You strictly look at the horse’s name. The best name has to be a winner. No doubt. 3 You pick the gray horse. All the other horses are brown. Your special horse is going to win! 4 You look at the jockey’s birthdays. The one closest to your own has to be the luckiest and the best. Oh yea. 5 You pick the horse that looks like it has the most energy. Problem is, he tired himself out before the race even started. You may as well just throw your money onto the track. 6 You run around asking everyone else at the race who they like and bet on the favorite. What do you know? The favorite won but you have very little winnings to show for it. 7 Now it is time to go for the longshot horse. He is old but you put all of your faith in him. He falls behind and may not finish the race. Hell, he might not even live to the end of the race. 8 You look at the odds and pick out the horse who is going to pay decent money. Go big or go home baby. 9 You pick out a number on the program. Nothing else is working so why not? 10 You pick the littlest horse with the littlest jockey. You are going for speed because you are running out of ideas.
Just say no: 1 When one more task will push you over the edge of the cliff. You do realize there are only 24 hours in a day no matter how you slice it? 2 When you know you can’t deliver on the promise you just made. You aren’t a magician. 3 When the person asking is trying to make you feel bad so that you will say yes. Don’t fall for it! It’s trickery. 4 You can do it! Stand in front of a mirror and practice. Once you get started, you won’t remember how to say yes. 5 No one says you have to give an answer immediately. Sleep on it and pray that the person finds some other sucker to do it by morning. 6 When the person is always asking for favors and using you to get what they want. Say no pinocchio. You aren’t anyone’s puppet. 7 That little voice in your head is telling you it’s a bad idea. If you don’t listen, you will only find out later that the little voice was right. 8 If the favor you are doing is going to stress you out then it is not worth the hassle. 9 When someone asks you for money all the time. You aren’t a bank! If you keep giving away money, who will pay your bills? 10 If your special favor involves missing one of your kid’s events. They will remember and hold it against you for as long as they can get away with it. It will cost you way more than saying no would have.
Paying your own bills for the first time: 1 All the bills are paid. Oh crap, I forgot to put aside some money for food. Mom! 2 Are they kidding me with these electric prices? From now on we use candle light once it gets dark. 3 How long have you been in the shower? I am paying for that water! Take a bath in the pool for God’s sake. 4 My mortgage payment is $1,700? A month? I thought you said per year. Are you out of your mind? I think I need to downsize to a box. 5 Oh no. I am sick. That is not in the budget! 6 Hello, Mom. Uh I was wondering if you could start paying me an allowance again? Yes, it’s time that I renegotiate. 7 I just drove up to my new house. Wait til you see this place. Where’s the furniture? Great I moved into a bad neighborhood. Someone robbed my house before I even moved in. What do you mean it doesn’t come furnished? 8 Do you see the prices for this food? How am I supposed to survive? Okay put everything back unless it is on sale. We need to cut corners. 9 Oh look honey. We received a credit card in the mail. There is a spending limit of $10,000. We are in business! 10 I didn’t realize I was going to have to buy a lawn mower. Looks like I will have to use scissors until I can afford one.
When you see a bug: 1 You end up scaring the bug with all of your screaming and running around the house. 2 Your neighbors are ready to call 911 for fear that you have been murdered. They don’t realize you are afraid of a bug one hundred times smaller than you. 3 It is on the ceiling and you wake your husband up out of a sound sleep to take care of it. He tells you it’s across the room and go to sleep. There is no way anyone is getting one ounce of shut eye until that bug is dead. 4 You consider leaving the house to get to safety. 5 You kill it with your shoe and then have to throw the shoe away so that you don’t have to touch it. 6 You try and get your dog to eat it because no one is home and you are too afraid to kill it. 7 You swing and miss and lose sight of it. There is no way you are staying in that house until it is found. 8 You drop everything to immediately call the exterminator. The stuff he sprayed didn’t work. Get out here ASAP. 9 You try to kill it with one tissue, but it’s too close. You quickly scan the house to see what you can throw instead. 10 You spray it with the first thing you can grab. The PAM cooking spray didn’t kill the bug but it did lose it’s grip on the wall.
When you are in a rush: 1 Your dog decides to do a whoopsie in the house and you need to clean it up. 2 Your neighbor stops to say hello. You never new hello lasted an hour. 3 You realize your car is running on fumes. 4 You get stopped by an officer for speeding. You hope “sorry officer” and a pretty smile will be enough for him to let you go on your merry old way. 5 You forget your phone and really need to turn around to get it, no matter the consequences. 6 You get stuck at each and every traffic light that you see. Now you are late and angry. 7 You are stuck behind a car going 10 mph. You might as well get out and start running. Who drives that slow? 8 You forget to put on deodorant and smell like a hoagie later on that morning. Pew. 9 You can’t find your keys, or your shoes, or your handbag, or your money. Maybe it is a sign that you should stay home. 10 You finally make it to work and realize it is Saturday!!
Funny things dogs do: 1Brings us a toy to throw and then doesn’t want to give it up. Make up your mind! 2 Runs around the house like a lunatic when they get wet. Fluff balls running at the speed of light. 3 Bite their tail and then chase it in circles. Run faster and you will get it. 4 Sleep on their back with their legs stiff and up in the air. You are playing dead, right? 5 Steal pieces of food out of their bowl one at a time. Someone tell the dog there is no need to steal your own food. 6 Watches TV and then looks back and forth from you to the TV when it is off. Someone wants you to turn something on, and fast! 7 Reflexively kick their back leg when you give a belly rub. Oh yeah! 8 When looking for someone or something, they are on a mission and cannot be interrupted until they find it. 9 Tap dancing when you walk through the front door. It’s nice to know someone is excited that you are home. 10 Digging a hole six feet deep the second you turn your back. Whoa, where were you when I needed a shovel at the beach?
potty training toddlers: 1 They want to visit every public bathroom until you dread going out. When you do go out, you only visit the stores that have the cleanest bathrooms. 2 Boys get the brilliant idea that they can drop their drawers outside, any time. “Honey, you do realize you aren’t invisible?” 3 You spend way more time in the bathroom these days. It feels like a timeout. You consider bringing some wine in there with you to make it worthwhile. 4 They sit on the toilet for what feels like an eternity and then go in their pants. 5 Sometimes the problem isn’t getting them to pee. The bigger obstacle is teaching them to aim at the right target. 6 You begin to bribe them to perform on the potty. Each time, the bribes get a little bigger. 7 “What are you doing over there? You have a look of concentration on your face. Are you pooping?” They begin hiding from you to avoid toilet time. 8 When they do go #2, they want to show it to everyone possible, as if it is an art exhibit. 9 You take on the job like a personal challenge so that you can stop spending money on diapers. Your little boot camp encourages your toddler to say NO to potty. 10 You don’t have to fake celebrations. The job is so much harder than you planned and uses every emotion. The second you hear a tinkle or a plop, you cheer as if your team won the superbowl.
The trouble with crutches: 1 Your armpits get so sore you feel like all of your skin rubbed off. 2 Going downstairs feels like a suicide mission every time. 3 The tip of your crutch keeps catching and tripping you up. You blame it on defective crutches. 4 Stairs become your enemy. You can never remember whether it is crutch first or foot first. Ugghh you suck at dance routines. 5 Oh crap, I can’t get out of the car. It took so long to get in, I forgot to grab the crutches. 6 My hands are full of blisters, and I even tried wearing gloves. 7 Sitting on the toilet is like trying to do a magic trick. Impossible! 8 Like I don’t have enough problems without snow on the ground. 9 My crutches fell while I was in the shower. Oh, God. I am crawling on the floor naked trying to get to them. 10 Cooking is an obstacle course. Everything you try to carry is all over the floor.
Toilet paper: (Danielle, this one is for you!!) 1 If someone is too lazy to change the roll and there are no more under the vanity, you are shit out of luck. 2 Although there is a right way to put the new roll on, no one really gives a crap. Just do it! 3 You want to strangle the person who leaves you with one square of toilet paper or an empty roll. What can you possible do with one square of toilet paper? You can use the cardboard tube as a megaphone for someone to bring you some more. 4 Why did everyone have to buy out the toilet paper during COVID? None of the symptoms had anything to do with going to the bathroom. 5 News alert: Going paperless has nothing to do with toilet paper. 6 Dear toilet paper companies, don’t bother selling it unless it is two ply. No one wants to end up wiping their ass with their hand because it isn’t strong enough. 7 I shouldn’t be the person always changing the roll. This isn’t a game show where the person left with an empty roll is a loser. 8 Toilet paper doesn’t come with directions but it isn’t rocket science baby. You can do it! 9 It’s pretty bad when you have to text someone for more TP since you are stuck on the bowl without a roll of toilet paper. It’s a common courtesy to put a new roll on. 10 Next time you decide to be lazy, I will Saran Wrap the bowl and you will have a big surprise!
When people invade your personal space: 1 Keep your meat hooks to yourself. This isn’t a date. 2 For every step back you take, they advance forward. Do you know how to take a hint? Back off. 3 You shouldn’t be close enough where I can see the spit bubbling up on your lip. Eww. 4 I guess you don’t see my invisible bubble. Get out. 5 You are standing so close that my spidey senses are tingling. Not one step closer or you will feel my foot kicking you in the ass. 6 Hey buddy, I don’t need to know what you ate for lunch. If I can smell your breath, you need to get to steppin. 7 Excuse me airport security, you better buy me dinner before you continue patting me down. 8 Can you stop leaning over me? It is giving me the urge to flip you onto the floor. Hi Yah 9 A big person sits next to you on the train and spreads out. So glad you are comfortable. Meanwhile, my arms are pinned to my sides and I am cramping up. Help! 10 I don’t recall inviting you into my space so get outta here.
1 A 🐝 bee flies in while you are driving and you totally lose it and start swerving all over the road and almost kill your driving instructor. 2 You take a car to your driving test that you have never driven before and are unfamiliar with it. You put on the windshield wipers instead of the turn signal and let out a little giggle. Someone is not amused. 3 You take off before your instructor is strapped in and try to stop real quick. You instructor bangs his head on the dash. He doesn’t appreciate you telling him that he signed up for this job. Not your fault. 4 You try and show off your defensive driving skills and knock over all of the cones. At least you were consistent. 5 You sneeze and throw off your rhythm. Out of nervousness you floor the gas pedal instead of hitting the brake. 6 Trying to avoid roadkill, you scream and close your eyes. Guess who failed? 7 It’s pouring and you can’t see anything. Instead of slowing down, you roll through some stop signs. No big deal right? Wrong. 8 Coming to a four way stop 🛑 last and thinking it’s okay to go first since you have a VIP in the car. 9 When you think you are too good of a driver to check your mirrors. You are confident that the coast is clear. Big dummy. 10 You have to merge onto a road and use the entrance ramp to speed up. You think the faster you go the easier it will be to blend in.
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1 This car is so fun to drive. I would feel horrible if you decide to drive your old car home. 2 Listen, I will throw in a full tank of gas so your first ride will be a long one. 3 Sure this car is a little over your monthly budget, but you will easily save this amount in gas. 4 Hey, is your company hiring? If I go any lower, I am going to need a new job. 5 Imagine yourself in this fast, hot car with the top down. Your friends will be so envious. I mean, you can save $50 a month with the Prius, but your friends will be looking at you for a different reason. 6 That couple over there really wants the same car you are looking at right now. If you put a deposit down right now, the car is yours. 7 Let me tell you, the vehicle is loaded. The only thing missing is you in the driver’s seat. 8 Everyone wants to save some money. This is a great vehicle. You work hard and deserve to treat yourself. If you don’t, no one else will. 9 I want to make this as simple as possible for you. If you sign the paperwork, I will deliver the vehicle to your door personally when it is ready. 10 As far as deals go, you pretty much hit a grand slam. You better sign the paperwork as quick as possible, before they realize their mistake.
1 You over condition your hair and it looks like you washed it with Crisco. 2 You straighten your bangs but it’s humid out. Throughout the day they transform into a handlebar mustache. 3 You blow dry your hair and it looks like a frizzy rat’s nest. 4 You try to get away with not wetting your head and your hair looks worse than bed head. You look like you combed your hair with a rock. 5 Your cowlick is in rare form and stands straight up to salute you, no matter what you do. 6 You buy cheap gel to save money. Maybe you should have opened your wallet a little more because your hair isn’t holding up at all. 7 You have fine hair and you try to make it look fuller by adding layers. Now you look like you have a mullet. 8 You put your hair in a ponytail and it looks pathetically small. Everyone that walks past you wants to say, “Poor thing” to your hair. It is a limp biscuit. 9 You part your hair in a differently than normal. It protests by doing whatever the hell it wants. 10 You start straightening your hair but it feels like it is taking hours. Your arms feel like they are going to fall out of their sockets. Now you have half straight and half curly hair. You look ridiculous.
1 Tell him to talk really slow so you can write down every word. 2 Keep repeating his name like your best friend and keep interrupting him to ask about his family and personal life. 3 Ask for his home number so you can call at a more convenient time. 4 Keep asking them out and tell them you need to get to know each other better before you give out credit card information. 5 Tell them you are on house arrest and ask them to come over with snacks and drinks. 6 Act like a complete lunatic. 7 When they ask you how you are, tell them you are glad they called and tell them all of your problems. 8 Tell them you will buy their item if they buy something you are selling 9 Act like you won a prize and ask them how they are sending it to you. 10 Talk in a fake foreign language.
1 Arguing with customer service to get what you want is a full time job 2 You call out five names before you get your kids name right. 3 You can only buy things on sale 4 You hate throwing food away, or anything else for that matter 5 You get frustrated with technology 6 You put comfort before fashion 7 You yell at cars to slow down 8 You need your glasses before you can look at something 9 You remind everyone to pee before leaving the house 10 You have a bedtime again
Signs You Aren’t Athletic 1 You wear workout clothes but don’t workout 2 After two minutes of activity, you are sprawled out on the ground waiting for the ambulance 3 The only thing you are good at is catching balls with your face 4 You get lapped when running the track 5 As a kid, you were always picked last when picking teams 6 Last time you exercised, you were paralyzed the next day 7 You have to copy off the guy next to you at the gym to do weights and machines 8 You always get hurt because of your lack of hand-eye coordination 9 The pressure of the kick return was too much for you. You ran to the locker room. 10 You throw out your back from swinging the bat and striking out every time.
Why Diets Can Fail: 1 You want to lose thirty pounds by the weekend and will do whatever it takes. 2 You get on the scale the day after starting your diet and are disappointed by the numbers. That’s it, I’m done. Pass the cookies. 3 You go on a diet the day before vacation and make everyone miserable including yourself. Just eat already. 4 You are so hungry by dinner that you pull up a chair to the refrigerator and dig in. 5 To lose weight you will not eat more than 500 calories a day. Period. 6 You want to lose weight without exercising. 7 You can’t understand why you aren’t losing weight after drinking a case of beer. 8 You trust a restaurant to feed you the right portions for your diet. 9 You forget to account for everything you ate. You already told yourself the candy bar was because you were stressed and the doritos were because you worked hard and deserved it. 10 You misread food labels and ate about 8 servings too many. Oh boy.
You may sweat to much if: 1 You work out and it feels like you took a shower. When you attempt to lay down on a workout bench, you fall to the floor. 2 You have to pack an extra five shirts in case you need to change. 3 You have to walk around with your arms pinned to your sides so no one sees the pit stains. 4 You get out of bed and an outline of your body remains on the sheet. 5 You eat hot peppers and your forehead has beads of sweat. 6 You can’t text because your fingers are too slippery. 7 You can’t see because sweat keeps dripping into your eyes. 8 You fall in the sand and look like a powdered donut when you stand up. 9 You immediately have a sweatstache the minute you walk out the door. 10 You can’t wear sunglasses because they slide off your face.
1 Cutting your toenail too short and being reminded with every step you take. Oochie. Ouchie. 2 Using hair remover on your eyebrows instead of plucking. You get a little carried away and are missing half of one. Now you look like a freak. 3 You cut yourself shaving and it looks like you lost a battle with a meat hook. 4 Tanning yourself naturally and falling asleep with your hand on your arm or leg. Now you have a hand imprint tattoo. Worse yet, you don’t take off your sunglasses and have big white circles around your eyes and look like a raccoon. 5 Having dandruff and not using Head & Shoulders. Your hair and shirt look like they were in a blizzard. 6 Pulling skin off your lip when it is chapped. Now it looks gross and it burns every time you eat or drink. Invest in extra lip balm!! 7 Going for a bikini wax and hurting for days after. It hurts to walk and sit and getting waxed felt worse than a torture chamber, 8 You are using your curling iron and smell hair burning. When you pull the curling iron away, the piece of hair that you were curling is still attached to it. You scream bloody murder. 9 You pop a pimple to make it go away. Now it looks like a volcano. It’s hard not to look at it. 10 You are a hairy guy and refuse to groom your body hair. Listen if you could be mistaken for a bear when in the woods and risk getting shot, you need to shave.
When you try to quit smoking: 1 You fly off the handle at the simplest question. 2 You find new annoying qualities of the people around you. 3 Seeing someone else smoke a cigarette is like watching porn. It is in slow motion and teasing you and you can’t look away. 4 You are now chewing gum and sucking lollipops at the same time. 5 Your coffee just doesn’t taste as good anymore. 6 You stare at a cigarette butt on the ground and contemplate picking it up. 7 Someone tells you to try eating a carrot instead. They are no longer with us. 8 You go outside for your ten minute break and suddenly remember you don’t smoke. 9 You need to have a drag and sneak around like a ninja so that no one catches you in the act. 10 Instead of smoking, you eat when you get an urge. Now you are 300 pounds and no one recognizes you.
If Dogs Could Talk They Would Say: 1 “Are you kidding me? You get steak, and I am expected to eat dog food!” 2 “Get that costume off of me before I poop on your pillow” 3 “Fetch it yourself. You need the exercise more than I do.” 4 “Yank my leash one more time, and I will take off running full speed to make you look like an idiot.” 5 “I listen to you yap all day long. I bark a couple times and you tell me to shut up. You have some nerve.” 6 “Don’t call me in when I am putting my moves on the hooches.” 7 “I think our idea of a treat is completely different. A good boy deserves something big. You can stick that milk bone where the sun doesn’t shine.” 8 “If you would stop leaving me, I would stop eating your shoes.” 9 “If you want to take me for a ride, you need to stop driving like you just robbed a bank.” 10 “Stop calling me poopsie whoopsie in public.”
When I sing: 1 My kickass alter ego comes out to perform. 2 I might be average, but I made a commitment when that first note fell out of my mouth. 3 Okay, here comes the high part. This time, I’m gonna dig deep and sing from my pinky toe. Here goes. Oh boy, the dogs in the neighborhood are howling. 4 If you want to hear my best performance, you will need to follow me up to the shower. The acoustics are amazing!! 5 My dogs jump up and kiss me when I sing. Not sure if I am that good or if they think I am crying. 6 Some of my best singing is in the car. I back up the celebrities 7 I can remember words to any song but forget that person’s name I was just introduced to a few minutes ago. 8 Don’t talk to me when I am in the middle of a song. Wait for the mic drop. Rude! 9 I hear a recording of myself singing and say, “What kind of cheap crap did you record that on? It didn’t do my voice any justice. 10 I sing with a lot of emotion on my face. No, I don’t have to go to the bathroom!
Fog: 1 If you didn’t know better, you would think that you were stuck in a dream. 2 Looks like you are going to drive off the edge of the earth when the road disappears. 3 It seems as if you are the only car on the road since you can’t see your hand in front of your face. 4 Walking in a field is like going on an expedition with surprises around each corner. The only real surprise is that you are full of mud. 5 Flying in the fog tricks you into thinking you are in a new dimension. 6 Seeing traffic signs and lights is like playing russian roulette. Close your eyes and pray. 7 Waking up on a cruise in the fog is ominous since you must have been pulled into the Bermuda Triangle. 8 It’s hard to catch a wave when you can’t see it. 9 The trees in the woods look like something out of a horror movie. 10 Whoa! Did I forget my glasses? Everything looks blurry? 🤓
Many sounds of rain: 1 applause (thank you very much) 2 rat-atat-tat (time for some music) 3 a running shower (I pay for that water!) 4 the ocean (you feel as if you are lost at sea) 5 tapping on the window (let me in) 6 marching (hup two three four) 7 clink (cheers mate) 8 pellets (duck!) 9 tinkling (makes you want to pee) 10 pitter patter (tiny animals running on the roof)
Hating needles: 1 You have tattoos but run away from your flu shot 2 You turn your head and cringe while waiting for the pain, not realizing the shot was already given. 3 When you see a little bit of liquid squirt out of the needle, you silently pray that it isn’t a lethal injection. The nurse’s smile looked a little too wicked for your liking. 4 When the nurse says she will be right back, you make a run for the door. 5 You are a human pin cushion when it comes to sewing, constantly getting pricked by the needle, yet you can’t handle a little shot. 6 You get acupuncture and look like a porcupine but break out in a sweat with the thought of a syringe. 7 You welcome cupid’s arrow but avoid needles. 8 You ask for the pill form instead. 9 You go to the dentist and ask to be knocked out for a cavity to avoid the needle. 10 You go to the drive-thru site for your flu vaccine. You mistakenly thought it was drive by where they tried to throw the needle into the arm as you drove by.
Dear 2021: 1 How much longer do I have to wear a face mask that makes me feel like a bank robber everywhere I go? 2 Can you tell mother nature I asked for one good snowstorm, not ten. 3 I need this summer to be the kick covid in the ass celebration. 4 Is this all happening because I canceled those plans? Geez, punish me for not wanting to attend one event. 5 I am going to throw my planner away soon since I have nothing to plan. 6 Instead of safe sex, everyone is practicing a safe distance of six feet apart. 7 For the last year, something fun to do consisted of going into a different room of the house. 8 Every time I cough or sniffle, I have to prove to everyone that I don’t have the Rona. 9 When I said I wanted some time to myself, I didn’t mean that I wanted to be put in isolation. 10 People who said they were ready to date again were really in for a surprise. An elbow bump counted as second base and undressing for him on facetime was a homerun. No touch!
When the sun finally comes out: 1 The level of brightness is much too high. You look for the setting to lower the brightness. 2 It’s time for the dark sunglasses 😎 3 It’s so bright you need sunglasses inside. People speculate that you are up to something because you look shady. 4 It’s shocking because fluorescent lights were the brightest lights you saw so far. 5 It is so hot 🥵 that you race to get inside before you melt. 6 Squinting is your new look since you forgot sunglasses. Everyone wants to fight you for giving them dirty looks. 7 The glare is so bright that you can’t tell the color of the traffic light. Don’t worry, wait for someone to honk. 8 When it shines through the window, it hits you with laser accuracy. 9 You think the person in front of you keeps hitting the brakes but it’s just the sun messing around. 10 You go out in the snow and the sun comes out and blinds you.
People talking on speakerphone in public: 1 News flash. You are not a VIP. Hang up. 2 You act as if the barista is interrupting your call when she asks for your order. Stop holding up the line! 3 Did you ever think that I sit on the porch for peace and quiet and not to hear your life story? 4 You say if I don’t like it to use my two legs and walk away? Ok genius. This is public transportation. You will be the one getting off at the next stop. 5 Is the person you are speaking to aware that their conversation is being broadcast to the general public? I think not! 6 You may say that I am cranky but let me take out my phone and talk to someone on speaker. How do you like me now? Touche. 7 Speaking in Spanish doesn’t make it any better. I am even more agitated because I don’t have a clue what you are saying. 8 In a public bathroom! Really? The point is to do your business and get out, not lollygag on the phone. 9 I don’t want to hear about your poopy problems, sex life, or medical conditions. I did not ask to be subjected to this poppycock. 10 Don’t get mad at me if I laugh out loud at the conversation I didn’t ask to be a part of. Maybe next time, you will take that call at home.
Wives appreciatIng their husbands: 1 Thank you so much for leaving the toilet seat up. It is wonderful to take a swim in the middle of the night. 2 After a night of drinking your husband goes to sleep and makes noises like an angry grizzly bear. 3 You should be an expert at peeing after all of these years. Instead, you pee like you just went blind. It goes everywhere but the target. 4 Your dirty clothes are always on the floor next to the hamper. Either you are terrible at basketball or you are starting your own pile. 5 You can eat anything you want and never gain weight. Women look at food and gain weight. It takes six months to lose five pounds and you lose it after taking a dump. 6 It is so thoughtful of you to leave worms in the fridge with my food. Fishing bait should be in your cooler. 7 I love you so much, especially when I go to eat something that I was looking forward to but you beat me to it first. 8 I am so proud at how good you are at video games. You dedicate so many hours to be the best you can be. Those skills might come in handy some day. 9 I love when you say Whatever. My blood pressure goes through the roof and I cannot be held responsible for what happens next. 10 I appreciate how you are a nature lover. Every time we go to the beach you are like a swivel head trying to look at all the scantily clad women.
Watching the weather forecast 😳 1 By the time they get through a full five days, I forget everything they just said. I can only handle one day per episode. 2 I really don’t need the weather for the rest of the country I didn’t ask. There’s a storm in the MidWest? Ok but clouds blow so they can go anywhere. 3 All I really need to know is how cold it will feel outside for the next day. I need to pick out an outfit. C’mon help me out. 4 Multiple day forecasts are useless to me since it always seems to change anyway. Tell me the day before. I get tired of changing my plans. 5 My advice to everyone, stick your head out the front door for the most accurate forecast. 6 Looking at arrows and patterns on maps reminds me of John Madden marking up my TV screen during football games. Hey stop writing, I am trying to see the game! 7 The current forecast says cloudy but all I see is the sun,shining very brightly as if it is mocking the weather people. 8 Cloud cover, visibility, dew point, the direction of the wind or the ceiling is not relevant to me. I am not flying a plane 9 If it’s just a prediction, maybe I would be better off going to a fortune teller. 10 If you keep getting it wrong, how do you still have a job? NEXT!