Dear 2021: 1 How much longer do I have to wear a face mask that makes me feel like a bank robber everywhere I go? 2 Can you tell mother nature I asked for one good snowstorm, not ten. 3 I need this summer to be the kick covid in the ass celebration. 4 Is this all happening because I canceled those plans? Geez, punish me for not wanting to attend one event. 5 I am going to throw my planner away soon since I have nothing to plan. 6 Instead of safe sex, everyone is practicing a safe distance of six feet apart. 7 For the last year, something fun to do consisted of going into a different room of the house. 8 Every time I cough or sniffle, I have to prove to everyone that I don’t have the Rona. 9 When I said I wanted some time to myself, I didn’t mean that I wanted to be put in isolation. 10 People who said they were ready to date again were really in for a surprise. An elbow bump counted as second base and undressing for him on facetime was a homerun. No touch!
When the sun finally comes out: 1 The level of brightness is much too high. You look for the setting to lower the brightness. 2 It’s time for the dark sunglasses 😎 3 It’s so bright you need sunglasses inside. People speculate that you are up to something because you look shady. 4 It’s shocking because fluorescent lights were the brightest lights you saw so far. 5 It is so hot 🥵 that you race to get inside before you melt. 6 Squinting is your new look since you forgot sunglasses. Everyone wants to fight you for giving them dirty looks. 7 The glare is so bright that you can’t tell the color of the traffic light. Don’t worry, wait for someone to honk. 8 When it shines through the window, it hits you with laser accuracy. 9 You think the person in front of you keeps hitting the brakes but it’s just the sun messing around. 10 You go out in the snow and the sun comes out and blinds you.
People talking on speakerphone in public: 1 News flash. You are not a VIP. Hang up. 2 You act as if the barista is interrupting your call when she asks for your order. Stop holding up the line! 3 Did you ever think that I sit on the porch for peace and quiet and not to hear your life story? 4 You say if I don’t like it to use my two legs and walk away? Ok genius. This is public transportation. You will be the one getting off at the next stop. 5 Is the person you are speaking to aware that their conversation is being broadcast to the general public? I think not! 6 You may say that I am cranky but let me take out my phone and talk to someone on speaker. How do you like me now? Touche. 7 Speaking in Spanish doesn’t make it any better. I am even more agitated because I don’t have a clue what you are saying. 8 In a public bathroom! Really? The point is to do your business and get out, not lollygag on the phone. 9 I don’t want to hear about your poopy problems, sex life, or medical conditions. I did not ask to be subjected to this poppycock. 10 Don’t get mad at me if I laugh out loud at the conversation I didn’t ask to be a part of. Maybe next time, you will take that call at home.
Wives appreciatIng their husbands: 1 Thank you so much for leaving the toilet seat up. It is wonderful to take a swim in the middle of the night. 2 After a night of drinking your husband goes to sleep and makes noises like an angry grizzly bear. 3 You should be an expert at peeing after all of these years. Instead, you pee like you just went blind. It goes everywhere but the target. 4 Your dirty clothes are always on the floor next to the hamper. Either you are terrible at basketball or you are starting your own pile. 5 You can eat anything you want and never gain weight. Women look at food and gain weight. It takes six months to lose five pounds and you lose it after taking a dump. 6 It is so thoughtful of you to leave worms in the fridge with my food. Fishing bait should be in your cooler. 7 I love you so much, especially when I go to eat something that I was looking forward to but you beat me to it first. 8 I am so proud at how good you are at video games. You dedicate so many hours to be the best you can be. Those skills might come in handy some day. 9 I love when you say Whatever. My blood pressure goes through the roof and I cannot be held responsible for what happens next. 10 I appreciate how you are a nature lover. Every time we go to the beach you are like a swivel head trying to look at all the scantily clad women.
When you are sick at work: 1 Everyone wants you to pack up your germs and go home. They bust out the Lysol cans as soon as the door closes. 2 Your coworkers are trying to figure out when they are going to come down with your disease. It better not fall on a weekend! 3 You would have called in dead but your work only gives vacation days. You aren’t about to waste one of those on an illness. Oh hell no. 4 Your nose won’t stop running and you need to finish typing up your report. Time to stuff tissues up your nose. 5 You are congested and can’t get enough oxygen because your mask is cutting off your air supply. 6 You can feel people cringe when you walk around the office. They are holding their breath until you get back to your desk. Back in your cage! 7 You walk the halls aimlessly covered in layers of blankets looking for the nurse’s office so that you can get sent home immediately. 8 The only reason you can function is because you are full of meds. Everyone better get their questions and work in before the meds wear off. It’s a race against the clock. 9 Your coworkers find you face down in you papers sound asleep. 10 Your head is pounding so you can only work with the lights off and sunglasses on. You snap at everyone to shut up because their voice is slicing through your brain. It hurts to think.
Driving in the snow: 1 Some people see a slight ground covering of snow and go back to the safety of their bed. If they do decide to drive, they grip the wheel so tight and forget to breathe. 2 Some people get giddy with excitement to do donuts in the snow. 3 People that are scared to death or overly cautious drive so slow that you can’t gain any traction. 4 Some people feel the need to drive like a bat out of hell in their big trucks nearly running you off the road. 5 Others forget what a brake is. Once they do remember, they run out of road. 6 You forget an ice scraper and have to sit in your car until the defrosters do their job. 7 You mistake black ice for a wet road and your car takes you wherever it wants to go. 8 Some people slip when they hit the brake and their foot seems to be stuck there. I am afraid that I need to insist that you lift that foot immediately. 9 Four-wheel drive isn’t a security cloak or some kind of autopilot. All rules still apply. 10 You become extremely religious as you drive over the bridge, hoping and praying that you don’t veer off into the river.
Pain in the neck to clean: 1 Peanut butter on silverware: It is a bugger and doesn’t want to dissolve. You try and clean the butter knife and then it’s stuck on the sponge. 2 Flour on the counter: If you make the mistake of using a wet rag, congratulations, you just made paste. 3 Mopping when it is raining out: All I can say is, what a mess. If people come in without removing their shoes, you have muddy floors and need to mop again, and again. 4 Tracking salt and ice melt inside: It’s as if someone ate a giant soft pretzel and spilled all of the salt on the floor. The roller of the vacuum moves it everywhere but inside the vacuum. 5 Christmas tree needles: No matter how well you vacuum, you can find needles in random places six months later. 6 Glitter: It may look pretty but you curse out the person who sent you the card. As the days go by, you find pieces of glitter on the floor, your hair, your face, and any available surface. 7 Packing peanuts: They are the biggest pain in the neck and useless. No matter how careful you try to be, they go all over the place. The trash bag gets static cling and the peanuts refuse to get inside the bag. It’s a standoff of the packing peanuts. 8 The barbecue gril: Cleaning the rack makes you feel like Cinderella. It takes all the elbow grease you can muster to get the grime off the grill. It’s a workout. 9 Lint or dog hair on your clothes: Somehow, white lint and dog hair love to hang out on your black pants or shirt. As the day goes on, it multiplies and you look like a crazy cat lady or someone who doesn’t wash their clothes very often. 10 Parking under a tree in the shade is a brilliant idea. That is until you get tree sap stuck on your car. It is the nastiest, stickiest, ooziest stuff to ever drip on the car and it is a pain in the carcass to get off.
Baby Sitting for a living: 1 You are hoping the kids sleep the entire time (C’mon easy money!), but they have more energy than five Red Bulls. (Oh yay.) 2 You have no clue what this kid ate, but he did a number two that exploded all over him. (Oh gross! I better get paid extra!) Time to call the fire department to hose him off. That’s why people pay taxes. 3 You go outside for a split second and the kid locked you out. (Oh no you didn’t!) You stress yourself out playing negotiator and shell out $20 for her to let you back in. (Smells like a setup!) 4 The kid is a monster and refuses to listen. Two hours feels like two days. You will never ever have kids. NEVER. Under any circumstances. 5 The little minion convincingly tells you they are allowed to watch rated R movies. The parents come home and are horrified. They demand that you never return. (Who are they talking to? They should be having the little mastermind pack his bags.) 6 You put the child in timeout but he won’t stay. You tie him to the chair with rope and tape his mouth shut so you don’t have to listen to the backtalk. The parents don’t pay you and threaten to call the police. 7 You take the kid with you to run errands. You are a cool babysitter, so you let the four-year-old sit in the front seat with you. You return later that night after a wonderful day. The parents came home hours ago and are furious with you. Geeze a simple thank you would be sufficient. 8 You teach the young lad how to play beer pong. Mom and dad are not amused. (It was water!) 9 “These two were not getting along all night so I just let them fight it out. This one didn’t do so good. You might want to get him boxing lessons.” 10 “The food in the fridge wasn’t all for me? SORRY! Maybe you should label it next time if you don’t want me to eat it.” (It’s not nice to tease your babysitter!)
1 If the wind blows your dollar bill out of your hand, you will chase it for blocks to get it back. 2 You count all of your change to go out with your friends because you don’t want to be left home. 3 You put all of the Monopoly money in your wallet and try to fool shop owners when paying for your purchases. 4 You have to ride your bicycle to work when you run out of gas. 5 You will date anyone just to get some help with the bills. 6 The only place you can shop are the clothes donation bins. 7 You are still wearing hand me downs. 8 You play eenie meenie miney mo with the bills to decide which one is going to get paid. 9 You had to sneak out of the bowling alley with your rental shoes because yours have holes in the bottom. 10 The only vacation you can take is in your backyard in the kiddie pool.
Signs you are getting older: 1 Moaning and groaning out loud or stringing curses together every time you have to get up out of your chair. 2 When you can’t finish one sentence because you forget the name of someone or something and then it takes you the rest of the day to remember. 3 All of a sudden your songs growing up are on the oldies station. Wait! What happened to the 50’s music? When did they change it to 90’s? 4 You don’t like to waste anything. Food is used for leftovers and you always know someone who can use an item instead of throwing it in the trash. 5 All of a sudden hair is growing in places it never did before. Hair on my chin? What am I a goat? Why is hair growing out of my eyebrows in all different directions? 6 You have to call out of work because you can’t find your keys or your glasses and you can’t see without your glasses. 7 Your ears are getting so big that you are starting to look like Dumbo. 8 You found some wrinkles and now your drawer is filled with anti-aging beauty creams and lotions. You are like a witch with potions. 9 Every time you drive, people get annoyed at you and honk their horns. People walking are going faster than you. 10 You have a coat or sweater for every change in the weather. It is not often that you go outdoors without one.
Reasons to hate Valentine’s Day: 1 You may be under the impression that you only need to show love one day a year. Nope. I’m gonna need 365. 2 There is so much pressure on the gift. The girl isn’t expecting much until her girlfriends get in her ear and the guy has no idea what is going to make her happy and keep him out of trouble. 3 Sometimes the gift you get makes you wonder if he knows who the hell you are. (I hate chocolate covered cherries. A teddy bear? When have you ever seen me with a bear? 4 Every restaurant is overcrowded which makes it hard to have an intimate ambiance. 5 You spent $50 on the flowers. Next time give me the money. These poor roses will be dead in three days. 6 People make you feel like something is wrong with you if you happen to be single on Valentine’s Day. What’s wrong with spending the night with some beer. 7 The public displays of affection are nauseating. Go get a room. I’m trying to eat over here. 8 Greeting cards are a waste of time. I don’t want to read someone elses words. Just tell me you love me and let’s go upstairs already. 9 For men dating, it feels like being tested once a year to see if she wants to stay in the relationship. 10 It’s a day that costs too much money and takes much more than a day to pay off. Maybe just hit snooze next year.
1 They feel the need to run to the store immediately to stock up on food. Eat from your pantry. When is the last time you were completely snowed in? 2 They run to the gas station so they have enough gas. If you aren’t going out, you won’t need any. 3 They watch the endless weather coverage to get up to the minute snow info and see how people are preparing in the general area. Step away from the TV. Why are you watching this? It’s not like we live in Buffalo. 4 They dig out the snow clothes and boots and lay them out on the floor in preparation for bundling up. If the clothes are too small, they need to run out quickly and buy bigger sizes. Chances are, you won’t need them and they will be too small next year anyway. 5 They search for ice scrapers to get the one fallen snowflake off of the car. Most of those scrapers will sit on the floor of your backseat or in the trunk taking up space for the rest of the year. 6 They psyche themselves up about a day off from work and school only to wake up disappointed. You even blink a couple times and look out the window again just in case you missed it the first time. 7 They wake up to zero snow on the ground but listen to the radio anyway for possible school closings. You never know, a pile of snow could miraculously fall from the sky in the next five minutes. 8 They make a liquor store run to guarantee some fun. This is the first good decision you made all day. 9 They see snow on their street but don’t check the main roads. They call out of work only to find out their street was the only thing with snow on it, and everyone else made it to work. 10 They end up disappointed because they wasted all of that time preparing for something that never happened.
When your dog gets skunked: 1 You don’t realize your dog was sprayed until he is in the house. Now your house smells offensive and it is overpowering. Feels like noxious fumes were released and they are nauseating. 2 You try tomato juice, but you get a pink dog that smells like a skunk. 3 Then you try vinegar and you get a dog that smells like skunk salad. 4 Next is Listerine mouthwash. You only have the blue one and give it a whirl. Your poor dog is now pink and blue. With the white in his fur, he now looks like a firecracker popsicle. 5 The best thing you tried is a peroxide, dish soap, and baking soda blend but it takes about ten washes. If your dog hated baths before, he will never want one again after this nightmare. 6 Since it took so long to deal with your dog, now the house needs to be dealt with. Every window in the house is open but the smell is lingering like an unwanted guest. Of all times for there to be no wind. Time to turn on some fans. 7 The load of laundry that was sitting around needs to be rewashed along with all of the curtains in the house. Nothing like more chores to do. You weren’t busy enough before this day started. 8 All of the carpets need carpet deodorizer and vacuuming. You are gagging from all of the deodorizer spray and have to wipe down all of the couches. 9 Putting cinnamon and nutmeg on a baking sheet in the oven with the oven door open did help a little but made you hungry for some cinnamon rolls. You can’t believe this tiny animal could smell so bad. Maybe Superman’s villain should be a skunk with toxic fumes that brings him to his knees instead of kryptonite. 10 You light every candle in the house. By the time hubby comes home from work, the ordeal is over and the house smells great. He thinks you were trying to send him a romantic signal and greets you wearing nothing more than a smile.
1 If you send them grocery shopping, they bring home all the wrong things including items not on the list so that they never get asked to shop again. 2 They say they are tired so that you do it for them. 3 Their idea of cleaning dishes is putting them in the sink. 4 They throw everything in the wash, regardless of color or washing instructions. 5 There is no need to make the bed when you are going to sleep in it again later. 6 If you ask them to do something, they take their shirt off and try to distract you from giving them chores. 7 They pay the kids to do their chores. May as well put the little minions to good use. 8 They clean up and put everything in the wrong place. These items will never be seen again. 9 They hate cleaning the toilet even though they pee like blind men. Their idea of cleaning it is to put 2000 flushes tablets in the bowl so that the blue color hides the dirt. Problem solved. 10 When they mop the floor, there are little ponds all around the house. It takes all day to dry and you have to stop the dogs from drinking the puddles.
Migraines: 1 The pain is intense. You tie a bandanna as tight as you can around your forehead. Not because you want to look like a hippie, but because squeezing your head may strangle the headache. 2 You need to sit in the dark with sunglasses on and try to sleep it off. Your friends may start thinking that you are a vampire, but light is your enemy. 3 The pain has touched your stomach, and now you are nauseous. It’s even worse because you feel like you have a hangover without drinking a drop of alcohol. 4 Your head hurts so bad that you lost all ability to make any decisions. What’s for dinner? Who cares. Guess what happened? No thanks. Don’t talk to me. 5 You will take anything just to make it go away. Why me? 6 When someone says they never had a headache, you wish you could use your magic wand so that they can share the experience. 7 Noise and children don’t mix well with a headache. It feels like you have bionic ears, and every sound is amplified to the max. 8 When someone tells you, at least it’s not life-threatening, they don’t realize that their life is in danger at that very moment. You are in no mood for stupid comments. 9 Someone tells you that you give yourself migraines because you don’t handle stress well. Oh my lord, baby Jesus. You have no clue what words are coming out of your mouth. 10 When you are on your last leg, and it takes every ounce of energy to make it to work, and someone asks what a migraine feels like. After you roll your eyes, you tell them to stub their toe over and over for the rest of the day or to keep drinking really cold drinks so that they keep getting brain freeze. Or wear a motorcycle helmet that is two sizes too small for the entire day. That’s a good start. Now go away.
Losing things: 1 You need a checklist to keep your life together. 2 You lose your phone so much that it feels like a scavenger hunt every time you need it. 3 No wonder you are so good at finding things for the kids. You lose things all the time. 4 You put the important paper in the safest place possible. Now, if you can only remember where that is. 5 If only you could lose weight since you are good at losing everything else, you would be in great shape. 6 You run around the house in circles, looking for your sunglasses that are sitting on the top of your head. 7 You lose your eyeglasses and can’t find them because you need glasses to see them. 8 You park at the stadium and don’t pay too much attention to the section where you parked. Having some drinks at the game didn’t help matters. You walk around aimlessly after the game looking for your car. Looks like you will have to wait until everyone leaves. 9 You waited all day to watch TV and can’t find the damn remote. You are on your hands and knees looking under sofas, between cushions, on the floor. You find it in the fridge where you must have put it when you grabbed that beer. 10 Your kid was with you, and then all of a sudden, they are nowhere in sight. You have a full-blown panic attack, and then they jump out and say surprise. Why you little!!! Thank God you are okay. Wait till I get you home for scaring me like that.
Your partying days might be over if: 1 The party starts at 10 p.m., and that is your bedtime. 2 Loud music hurts your ears. You need to wear earplugs now. 3 You are tired of piecing your nights together to figure out what happened the night before. 4 Taking strangers home to your bed creeps you out. 5 It takes the entire weekend to recover from a hangover. 6 You are the oldest person there. 7 You can no longer tolerate cheap beer and liquor. Your tastes are more refined. 8 You are tired of praying to the porcelain princess. 9 Pregaming is out of the question because your body can’t take it anymore. 10 The majority of your fridge is food rather than alcohol.
Wearing a mask: 1 You forget you are wearing one and try to pop a snack into your mouth. Whoopsie. 2 You feel like you are going to a masquerade party every day. 3 You may be able to hide a smile or a frown, but your eyes say it all. 4 If you wear glasses, you are now blind from the fog that your breath creates. 5 Keys, check. Wallet, check. Mask, ugh. 6 If your nose is running, don’t worry; your mask will catch it. Eww. 7 It keeps you warm in the winter. Now you have a mouth scarf. 8 It makes you claustrophobic when working out. 9 Somehow, wearing a mask has made you hard of hearing. 10 You now have a harness around your ears.
1 Can we count tomorrow night as our official wedding night? I am so insanely tired that I am going to pass out immediately. 2 OMG, I have a new last name. My old last name is gone forever! Who am I? 3 I wore this gown all day. Get me out of it! 4 You are so sweet to carry me over the threshold. Bonk. That was my head. 5 Yep, this is me without makeup. What do you mean you wish you would have known that before you said I do! 6 He is fast asleep when you walk into the bedroom. Did I take that long in the bathroom? 7 It’s 1 a.m. Why did we plan our honeymoon for the next day if we have to get up at 5 a.m? Hurry up and sleep. 8 Want to order room service? I forgot to eat today. Yes, I know there was a lot of food. Blame it on the photographer. 9 My veil seems to be stuck in my head permanently. There is so much hairspray in my head that the bobby pins are glued to my head too. 10 Are you spinning the bed, or is this a water bed? Oh boy! I may have drunk a little too much.
Laughing when we shouldn’t: 1 Someone not paying attention to their surroundings walks into something. Their sudden surprise is your entertainment. 2 Someone trips and catches you by surprise causing you to laugh before asking, “Are you alright?” 3 When grandparents say something that has a double meaning and they have no clue. 4 Watching a movie with your parents and an explicit sex scene comes on. It make you squirm so much that you die laughing to cover up the awkward silence. 5 A man wears a ridiculous toupee, and you are afraid it is going to crawl off of his head. 6 Someone bends over and splits their pants. How dreadfully unexpected! 7 You are at a sad event and someone is crying loud and ridiculously. For a short time, you forget how sad you are. 8 When someone gives a speech and uses the wrong word. 9 Looking through old pictures of yourself and finding it hard to believe that your mother ever loved you. Her taste in your clothing and hairstyles is horrendous to say the least. 10 Riding in an elevator in awkward silence and someone belches or passes gas. All composure is lost.
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1 How much do you make? None of your business. 2 Politics. Skip. Next. This isn’t going to end well. 3 Diets. Especially at a wedding. Don’t make me feel bad about eating. I think you were assigned to a different table. 4 The stock market. Listen, I can talk circles around you about sports but the stock market isn’t going to get you a second date with me. 5 Sex life. Whoa, I don’t know you. If you are trying to impress me then you should leave. 6 How old am I? Old enough to kick your butt. 7 Gossiping about others in the room. You may want to take a look in the mirror before you talk about others. 8 Telling me about all of your past relationships on a first date. Wow! You have one more ex to add to your list. I can see why they leave you! 9 Someone droning on and on about ailments or bad relationships making you feel like you have to send out an SOS. 10 Talking with someone who wants to be the center of attention. Excuse me. You don’t need me to have a conversation. Enjoy!
1 You try on every outfit in your closet. Before you know it, every piece of clothing you own is on the bed or the floor. 2 You talk so much that you even get tired of listening. Thankfully he is digging you and grabs your hand. It is sweaty. Now you have to apologize for that too. 3 You wonder if you will ever hear from him again. How long is he going to make you hang before he dials your number? 4 One person is running late leaving the other person waiting and wondering if they have been ghosted. 5 You have a drink to calm your nerves and another and another. Your nerves are gone but now you have to hope you behave and not do something you will regret the next day. 6 You want to get the first kiss over with so that you know if there are sparks or if it’s time for see ya later. 7 You are afraid to eat because you don’t want to eat so much that you look like a pig or too little because you will look like a starving model. The other thing is worrying about food getting caught in your tooth. 8 You want to present your best self with great conversation and laughs but sound super awkward instead. You are sure this guy is gonna lose your number and you get into an argument with yourself when the date is over. 9 You feel like you are going on a job interview and wish you could skip the interview and get hired for the girlfriend job. 10 Things went really well. Do you invite him in for tea? Who are you kidding? You can’t wait to rip his clothes off. You decide to wait until the second date. You had enough nervousness for one night. There’s always next time. Ciao for now.
First time conversations when it’s hard to speak up because you are reserved:
1 When you want to ask the boss for more money. Your heart beats so fast that you may pass away before you spit it out. For God’s sake boss, smile instead of looking at me so seriously! 2 The topic of sex with your mate. You have to shut the light off so that you can say it in the dark. 3 The first time you have to train someone and you never did it before. All of a sudden, your words have trouble coming out. Yea, figure it out. 4 Speaking in front of a group. You sway back and forth so much that you may be mistaken for a monster. Everyone has a look of sympathy on their face. 5 Telling your dad that you are pregnant. Even though you are married and it’s perfectly normal, you feel like you did something wrong. Don’t yell at me. 6 Approaching someone who is mad at you. You may walk by them a few times until you gain the courage to start the conversation. Nope. Nope. Not ready. 7 Breaking up with a boyfriend you are dating in your teens. You hope he will do it first to save you the trouble. It’s just so awkward. 8 Telling someone no who tricked you into doing something. They asked what you were doing and now you are babysitting Saturday night. You thought the person was inviting you out. Um excuse me …. 9 When your coworkers want to split the restaurant bill. You are a starving college student who ordered a salad. Somehow you owe $50.You spend the whole meal in distress because the food and drinks are adding up and you can’t afford it. 10 Trying to get your point across to someone who always has an answer and is intimidating. It’s like being thrown back into the boxing ring when you are trying to get away.
Big boob problems: 1 Working out tends to give you black eyes. 2 You need to wear multiple sports bras to contain the girls. 3 Guys don’t seem to know where your eyes are located. 4 If you drop something down your shirt while eating, it is lost forever. 5 If you wear a blouse, the buttons threaten to pop. 6 They might look great but your back pays the price. 7 You always have angry shoulder marks from your bra. 8 Everyone thinks you are trying to be sexual when you aren’t even trying. 9 Getting pregnant scares you, because they will grow even bigger. 10 Wearing a bikini becomes a dangerous game of keeping the girls hidden.
Having a dirty mind: 1 You are constantly amused by seeing the double meanings in conversations. 2 Our parents act disgusted, but you spy a smirk on their face that they can’t hide. You know they burst out laughing when they get home. 3 You get so good that it becomes a talent, and you are never above laughing at yourself. 4 Life is never boring when you get a giggle out of something that you can’t believe someone said. 5 You have quite the imagination to go along with your dirty mind. 6 You can count on at least one laugh out loud outburst a day. 7 Your bad habit has rubbed off on your closet friends, and now they possess the skill. 8 Sometimes you think you can let your friend slide but then decide you can’t let it go. 9 You only need to look at your friends for them to know what’s on your mind. 10 You turn boring events into funny comedy skits.
1 They look beautiful in their pics and you look ridiculous. 2 They never ask if you are ready before snapping a pic. 3 They wait until you have a mouth full of food. 4 They get your worst angle and post the pic without your permission. You are appalled when you see yourself on facebook. 5 There is something in your tooth but you had no idea since you weren’t planning on a picture. 6 You try to avoid them like the plague. You have to hide all night so that you don’t find yourself on the internet the next day. 7 You can’t fully enjoy yourself because you are always looking over your shoulder to make sure the coast is clear. 8 The entire day is documented with a cell phone. It’s like inviting the paparazzi. 9 You wonder how they can have a good time when they are always taking pictures. 10 They only retake the picture if they don’t look good. If you don’t look good, you get ignored. Too bad. Live with it.
1 You concentrate really hard on sleep but nothing happens. You are still awake. 2 It is too quiet in the house and you hear every little noise. 3 You turn soft pop on to soothe you to sleep then find yourself singing along. 4 You are just about to enter la la land when a loud noise scares the hell out of you and you have to start the sleep process all over again. 5 Your grandfather clock keeps bonging every half hour, reminding you of the time and how you still aren’t sleeping. 6 Your kid comes in and asks you if you are sleeping. You were so close!! After your heart calms down, and you relax, you may just fall asleep again. 7 You flushed the toilet half asleep and it won’t stop running until you get back up and jiggle the handle. You are now wide awake. 8 Thunder cracks and you have no clue what the noise is. Once you figure it out, you have to wait out the storm before you can find any peace. 9 Your dog is nice an comfy and you are cramped into a tiny little space with your piggies hanging out of the covers. You don’t want to disturb the dog so you remain restless and cold. 10 You let your kid sleep with you and your husband and catch a flying fist to the nose in the middle of the night. It takes you a while to recover from the cheap shot you just took. You do your best to protect your vulnerable parts before trusting yourself to fall asleep.
waking up before alarm clocks were invented 1 You had to buy a dog so they could wake you up in the morning to go outside. 2 You had to pay someone to throw pebbles at your window until they saw your face looking back at them. 3 You had to make sure there were no curtains on the windows so that the sun could shine in. 4 You had to live close to a church so that you could hear the church bells in the morning. 5 If you are a night owl, you had to make sure your married a morning person to make sure everyone arrived to work and school on time. 6 You had to be a farmer so that the roosters could wake you up. 7 You open the windows so that sounds of people going to work wake you up in the morning. 8 Let your bladder wake you up. When you go to the bathroom, it is time to wake up. 9 Have enough kids so that you always have someone to get you up. Until they are teens, they love waking you up out of a sound sleep. 10 Join the military. Your Sargeant will love the honor of waking you up and torturing you first thing in the morning.
When you don’t expect a Pop Quiz: 1 Your mind immediately goes blank and you cannot think if your life depended on it. 2 There is a ticking time bomb in your head or Jeopardy music to remind you that you are running out of time. 3 You feel like you are in the wrong class. The questions may as well be in a foreign language. 4 You want to get the best grade possible. You are regretting not sitting next to someone smarter since you are looking off of their paper. 5 Pop quizzes are supposed to be multiple choice, not essay! 6 Just because you are in a bad mood doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me. 7 Next time, print the answers on the back so that I have the answer key. I don’t like surprises. 8 I will forgive you for being inconsiderate if you tell me that this quiz doesn’t count towards my grade. 9 Why are you punishing me? These questions aren’t even easy. 10 I am afraid this isn’t a good time for me. My hands are shaking, my palms are sweaty, and I am hyperventilating. This quiz might just kill me!
You Might Fail Army Bootcamp if: 1 You need to have the last word 2 You need swimmies in the pool 3 They wake you up at 4 a.m. and you tell the sergeant you are sleeping in today 4 Your sergeant yells and points at you and you slap his hand away telling him it’s rude to point. 5 When you are told to clean the floor on your hands and knees and you ask for a Swiffer. 6 You show up to camp with long hair and refuse to get it cut. 7 You ask your instructor if he is deaf because he always yells 8 You are told to climb the rope and you ask where the knots are to make climbing easier 9 You ask when you get to shoot something 10 You show up to the morning run in flip flops and swim trunks
Signs that your day might not turn out great: 1 You forgot to set your alarm and now you are late! 2 You made yourself lunch, but it is still sitting on the kitchen counter. 3 You wake up with a banger of a headache and didn’t even drink. 4 You are walking on the sidewalk in the rain and a car drives through a puddle. You look like you were hit by a wave. 5 You are taking groceries in the house. As you grab a bag out of the trunk it breaks, spilling milk and eggs all over the driveway. 6 You wash your hair and can’t do a thing with it. It looks like a science project gone wrong. 7 You take off your glasses at the car wash and leave them on your seat so they don’t get wet You forget about them and plop down in the drivers seat when you get back in the car. Crunch. 8 The boss yells at you at work. Hey, I could have stayed him if I wanted to get yelled at. Bye. 9 You are almost out of gas and pay day isn’t until tomorrow. You dig up $2.00 in coins from your car to pay at the gas station. Hopefully it will last until tomorrow. 10 You keep losing things and at this rate, you will never get out of the house.
When you say hello to people and they don’t say it back:
1 It’s cool. I like feeling like a jackass when you look at me but say nothing. 2 I say hello back to myself so that there is no uncomfortable silence. 3 I look around pretending someone else said it. 4 Say it louder. The person is obviously hard of hearing. 5 Wave frantically so they get the picture. 6 Say it in another language. Bonjour, hola, ciao. If you don’t know those, my give a damn is busted. 7 Dummy. The person had earbuds in and couldn’t hear you. You will have to take better notice. Those people get a smile with a polite wave. Or a cool what’s up nod. 8 Oh geez, they looked standoffish. I’m not a creeper. Not trying to hurt you. Just wanted to say hello. 9 They stare at you with a rude look instead. Whoa, killer. Easy. I take my hello back. You don’t deserve one. Next time I will slap you across the face. 10 Am I dead? I must be a ghost.
1 You look so pretty. I can’t believe you’re still single. (Wow. It’s hard to believe your mom loves you.) 2 Don’t take this the wrong way… (Let me stop you right there since you already started off with your foot in your mouth.) 3 You look so much younger with that hairstyle. (And you will look so much better with the black eye I am going to give you!) 4 You should wear makeup all the time. (And you should tape your mouth shut.) 5 Your baby is precious. He looks nothing like you. (Did you ever look in the mirror.) 6 You carry your weight well. (So well that I can stuff you head first in the trash can.) 7 You’re pretty when you smile. (Maybe you just aren’t funny enough to make me smile.) 8 You’re so cool, it’s like hanging with one of the guys. (Ouch you just friend-zoned me.) 9 It’s awesome that you don’t care what you look like. (I don’t? What the hell are you saying?) 10 You played so well tonight.. Must have been luck. (The only skill you have is running your mouth.)
Italians: 1 We add extra syllables to words. 2 When we get together the dining room table is full of desserts. 3 If four people are coming for dinner, we cook enough for fifteen. God forbid we run out of food. 4 We talk with our mouths and our hands. If you tie up our hands, we are at a loss for words. 5 If you visit and say you aren’t very hungry, you will live to regret it. 6 We have no idea what indoor voice means. We talk loud. 7 We drink wine with every meal and eat bread. 8 We love to eat and when you are full, it is time for dessert. Manga. 9 We keep asking you if you want to eat, even if you say no. There is no such thing as a diet. 10 You always have to spell your last name.
What to say to your child when they say “I’m bored”:
1 “Okay, you can help with some chores.” 2 “Here, read this book.” 3 “Take out the trash.” 4 “You can come food shopping with me.” 5 “You can mow the lawn for your father.” 6 “Why don’t you work on your report for school and get it out of the way?” 7 “Let’s go get that haircut for you right now.” 8 “Perfect, go through your closet and get rid of the clothes you don’t wear anymore.” 9 “Go play with your sister.” 10”Let’s go for a long walk.”
1 My husband asks me to look up how much he made last year. On my way upstairs, I bring up the shampoo on the steps and put it in the upstairs closet. 2 The closet is a mess, so I organize it and throw away old medicines. I get a trash bag from downstairs and bring a laundry basket upstairs. The bag isn ‘t quite full so I empty trash cans. 3 While I am in my son’s room, I make the bed and gather dirty laundry. Back downstairs. 4 I throw the dirty clothes in the wash and go back upstairs. I go to my room and put away the clean laundry. I go to the bathroom when I am done and proceed to clean both bathrooms upstairs. 5 The boys’ bathroom has a dirty glass on the sink so back downstairs to put it in the dishwasher. 6 The dishwasher is full so I empty it and then fill it with dirty dishes. I clean the counter and notice a pile of mail. 7 I go through the mail and pay the bills. Back upstairs to file everything away. 8 I decide to rearrange my office and run the vacuum. I may as well do the rest of the house. 9 My husband asks if I looked up his income. Back upstairs to look through the tax returns. While I’m here, I should get a folder ready for this year with notes. 10 Finally, I am done and go downstairs to tell hubby what I found. Now he asks, how much dental coverage do we have through our insurance. Oh boy, here we go again!
1 If someone shows up to dinner with a fork and knife, show them the door. What an embarrassment. 2 It turns you into a savage and you just can’t get enough. 3 If you don’t look a mess, you aren’t eating them right. 4 I’m sorry, I can’t pass that dish right now. I am slathered in bbq sauce. 5 They are so delicious that if you don’t have a pile of bones in your plate, you shouldn’t be eating. 6 If that bone isn’t clean, keep going. 7 Forget the paper bib, it’s expected to have bbq sauce everywhere. 8 When you are done, you feel like you died and went to heaven. 9 Don’t expect much conversation at the table other than mmmm. 10 I don’t need a napkin, I will lick my fingers to clean them.
1 The teacher pairs you up and your partner’s face looks like it is in shock. 2 It is time to brainstorm and the only thing your partner has to say is uh! Let me think. Duh really? 3 Your partner says no to every idea you have without offering any. Just do it! 4 You split up the work but have to pick up your partner’s slack because they are too lazy. 5 Your partner ghosts you when you call, text, or email. 6 Your partner refuses to share information because he wants his part to be better than yours. Boohoo you are lame. 7 They keep coming up with excuses for not getting done on time. Excuse me, you have me confused with your momma. 8 You end up meeting with yourself when they conveniently no show. 9 Your partner does not like you and makes it impossible to communicate. You wish that the teacher knew how little they did. 10 Your partner doesn’t care about their grade and is compromising yours with their inconsideration. Go away loser.
1 Looking around, the house suddenly looks bare and a lot bigger. 2 There are xmas tree needles everywhere. It’s a wonder the tree has any needles left 3 You don’t feel like putting forth the effort of putting everything away so you keep coming up with excuses to keep the tree up a week longer. 4 You order your kids to take down the decorations and they disappear, never to be found again. 5 Maybe I can leave it up and turn it into a valentines tree, then st. patty’s and then an Easter tree. 6 You look at the tree wondering if there is any way you can put it away to make it easier to put up next year. 7 You ponder throwing it all away and buying everything new next year. 8 You ask Alexa to do it but she doesn’t have that ability. Too bad. 9 You curse yourself for putting up so many lights on the outside of the house. 10 You keep breaking xmas ornaments and have more of a mess to clean up.
1 You are having a wonderful dream that is interrupted by an annoyingly loud alarm. The moment has passed and you are mad for the rest of the day. 2 You leave the house with the exact number of minutes to get to work and then you hit traffic. Hopefully, no one will notice when you sneak in late. 3 You decide to buy tickets at the door only to find that they are sold out. Please let me in. 4 You study the night before the exam only to fall asleep and wake up in the morning with no time to study. What happened? 5 You wait a whole year for vacation and it is over just as you settle in. Back to work? No way. 6 Your pregnancy may last an eternity while everyone else’s moves quickly. C’mon kid. Times up. 7 When you meet the love of your life and can’t get enough of them and count the seconds until you see them again. Remind yourself of that when you get mad at him. 8 When you blink and your youngest child is a man in college. What do you mean you want to live on your own. Silly! 9 When you wait for summer to get there and it is the fastest twelve weeks of the year. Back to school commercials make you angry as a parent and a student. 10 When you are taking your time on a test to get everything right but don’t have enough time to finish. Patience, teacher. Good things come to those who wait.
1 You can’t get to the next level because you keep dying and have to start all over. After an hour of pure frustration, I want to throw my controller through the TV. 2 Your batteries in your controller die at the worst possible time. It is a race to change them before you die in the game. 3 The game takes forever to load! C’mon. Wonder if I have time to run to Wawa. 4 The game requires a degree to learn the endless amount of controller combinations. Do they think I am Einstein? 5 The game won’t let me skip a scene. If I wanted to watch a movie I would have watched Netflix. 6 You play so long that you forget to eat, shower, and sleep. 7 All of the cool options require real money. I already bought the game so why do I need to keep spending money? 8 Not being able to save your progress whenever you choose. Or worse yet, forgetting to save and you lose hours of progress 🤬 9 Your mom wants to have a conversation when you are trying to game and doesn’t understand that you cannot pause the game. Talk to you later. 10 You need to enroll in anger management classes because of all your cursing and temper tantrums.
1 It feels like teams are getting picked, and I am going to be the last one. 2 I keep checking my bank account every hour on the hour, but nothing appears. Peek a boo, where the hell are you? 3 When I owe money, it is due immediately or I pay penalty and interest. Where’s my penalty and interest payment? 4 Let’s make it simple. Rub out any balance I owe this year and we will call it even. 5 Or you could forgive my college tuition for the semester. It will feel like xmas all over again. YASS! 6 Someone further along in the alphabet received theirs. What’s up with that? Are we playing favorites? 7 Are you testing my patience? Here’s a little secret. I have none. 8 Let me go on your website so that I can spin a wheel to double my winnings. Let’s make it interesting. 9 Since Donald wanted to give $2,000, I will take the additional $1,400 in casino chips. Especially since that amount sounded better to me. 10 I am not feeling very stimulated!
1 No matter who does something wrong, you are the one who gets yelled at because you should know better. 2 Your parents tried out their disciplining skills on you and gave up with the other kid. 3 You are expected to babysit for free. 4 You have a curfew and there is hell to pay if you are late. 5 You were never allowed to make a noise when they were sleeping. 6 The younger sibling made up stuff when they were mad at you and your parents believed them. 7 You are a parent with no authority years before your time. 8 You make your younger sibling your personal assistant until she dimes you out. 9 You send your little minion to ask mom and dad for things because she was too cute for them to say no to her. 10 You were like an explorer trying to see what you could get away with while the youngest got away with murder.
1 Drive around in a black car with a black hat and pretend that you are a chauffeur. 2 Go to restaurants and pretend you are a food critic for a newspaper to see how many free meals you can get. 3 Walk up to people who seem like they are tourists and pretend you are a tour director and show them around. 4 Set up a fortune teller booth on a busy street and tell people their future. 5 Draw caricatures for people and watch the surprise on their face when they see how you drew them. 6 Sing for pocket change. People will pay you to shut up. 7 Pick people up from the airport and drop them off at random places. 8 Go to the supermarket and open up random items and give out samples to other shoppers. 9 Put a camera around your neck and take pictures of people who look interesting. Conduct an interview and do a photo shoot. 10 Hang out at the train station and have people march and teach them a cadence song.
1 I am just going to sit here and pretend that I remember how to do my job. 2 I am glad you called me in. I was getting so tired of relaxing and enjoying myself. 3 Oh wow! Look at the piles on my desk. How thoughtful of you to leave me something to do! 4 My wallet is empty and it’s the only reason I am here. 5 I told my husband I wanted to be a kept woman and he agreed after dropping me off here. 6 What do you mean this is due by the end of the day? You’re a mean one Mr. Grinch. 7 I had to give up wearing pajamas to be here today. 8 No days off til May!? This is unacceptable. 9 You cry in the parking lot because the celebrations are over. 10 You threaten to leave if anyone coughs or sneezes
Why you should stay away from each other when you are mad:
1 You are Italian and like to throw things. (1,2,3 duck!) 2 You have a habit of bringing up incidents from years ago instead of the argument at hand. (I still haven’t forgiven you for being late on our wedding day. Now this!) 3 When you get mad you get irrational. (You always put me down and probably don’t like me.) 4 You get mad and go for the jugular. You will say anything to make the person mad. (Go ahead and play your video games! I will do everything as usual.) 5 Your spouse purposely uses “whatever” to get you going. (Oh no you didn’t!) 6 You are so competitive that you refuse to lose an argument. (Nope it was absolutely your fault.) 7 You have temper tantrums when you get angry. (You left the toilet seat up and I went for a swim!) Slam the door for effect. 8 You play the blame game. (You woke up in a bad mood and were looking to pick a fight.) 9 You haven’t learned how to say sorry. (Sorry for what?) 10 You are in a bad mood and picking a fight. (Who folded these towels!? A two-year-old could fold them better)
1 “The year 2020…Brought to you by the letters W, T and F.” —The Super Mom Life 2 “The best thing about homeschooling is that now I can add, ‘I’ll fail you’ to my repertoire of empty parenting threats.” —Copy Mama 3 “After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face, I’m gonna be pissed.” —Unknown 4 “Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs: We roam the house looking for food, we’re told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers, and we get really excited about car rides and walks.” —Unknown 5 “So far, 2020 is like looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.” —Unknown 6 “The only thing I gained in 2020 was weight.” —Unknown 7 “If there’s one thing that scares me more than an apocalyptic end of the world, it’s the possibility that if my kids fail at homeschooling they have to retake it.” —Three Time Daddy 8 “After years of swearing that I couldn’t clean my house because I didn’t have enough time, 2020 has proven that may have not been the reason.” —The Super Mom Life 9 “I wish days of the week underwear were still a thing so I knew what the hell day of the week it is.” —Mommy Owl 10 “‘He chewed too loud’ became the number one cause of divorce.” —Unknown
1 Clean? NO WAY! I can think of a million things better to do. 2 Exercise? Very funny. That’s too much work. 3 Eat at a restaurant since one meal is pretty cheap. Oh, this is super awkward. I have no one to talk to and if I look up, the table next to me thinks I am a weirdo. Waitress, can I get this to go? 4 Dye my hair and look on the computer for vacation spots while it processes. I am a multi-tasker. Oh God, I left it on 15 minutes too long. My hair is jet black and I look totally goth. 5 Soak in the tub? Nah. I would probably doze off and drown. 6 Rearrange my bedroom. I can do this. Help. My mattress has me pinned against the wall. Anyone? 7 I know. Shopping! Oh, I only have $20. I might be able to buy half a shirt. Nevermind. It will be the world’s quickest shopping trip. 8 Turn the radio up and have a dance party by myself. It feels amazing until I turn around and see everyone back home early laughing at me. Get out! 9 I decide to try out my sewing machine by following a pattern and making a tee shirt. When I am done, it is only big enough for a Barbie. 10 Watch a movie because I never get the remote or have time to sit that long. This is gonna be great. I wake up 4 hours later. My night is over and I have nothing to show for it.
1 You are playing with someone too competitive. Their mission is to kick your butt at any cost. What part of this is fun? 2 You are playing charades with someone who is a horrible guesser. Can I trade partners? 3 Some people pull the rule book out every time it is your turn. They become the game police. 4 Your friend cheats and is appalled when you call them out. Someone is in denial. 5 You are playing with a sore loser who has a temper tantrum like an overgrown brat when they lose. Makes you want to play again. 6 The game takes too long and you feel like you are wasting your life. 7 The people you are playing with keep changing the rules to their advantage. 8 People take the game too personally when you give them a bad card. Okay if you insist, I did it on purpose. Geez. 9 The winner clears the pieces off of the board without realizing that you continue playing for second place. 10 You are playing scrabble and can’t spell to save your life.