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What was I thinking?
1 When I knew I had work the next day but had too much fun the night before anyway. Then the alarm scares the bejesus out of me in the morning.
2 When you send an angry message on impulse before thinking it through. Oh boy. There will be hell to pay for this one.
3 Thinking you could wait to use the bathroom til you get home. Bad choice. Your teeth are floating and you do everything in your power not to think about it.
4 When you don’t get gas when you should thinking that you have plenty. Now you are pushing the car instead of driving it.
5 Not listening to the little voice in your head screaming NOOO and end up in the ER
6 Seeing someone text while crossing the road with their head down or crossing before they look both ways because it is your job to stop.
7 Staying in the sun all day thinking you won’t get burnt. Yeah right! Whose a lobster 🦞 now?
8 Your eyes 👀 are bigger than your stomach and against better judgement keep eating til the food is gone. Now you are overstuffed and uncomfortable.
9 Keeping your contacts in longer than you are supposed to. You don’t need to pay extra for extended wear.
10 Not being able to wait to be an adult. Was it everything you hoped for? 😂 Joke is on you sucker
#blog #topten #funny #whatwasithinking
Lost without my phone. Without it:
1 I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Am I the only person whose internal clock is busted?
2 I wouldn’t be able to call anyone because I don’t memorize any phone numbers. Not being able to text is even worse. I need my questions answered right away and I am prompt with getting back to people. Now they will think I was abducted.
3 I wouldn’t be able to ask Siri a bunch of useless questions that no one else cares about but me. When I can’t remember an actor’s name, I don’t have to wait a couple days until I remember. I also like yelling at Siri when she makes me mad.
4 I wouldn’t be able to buy something the second I mention it. It would be torture to wait until later, especially since I would forget about it by then. I need instant gratification.
5 I wouldn’t be able to make plans since there would be no way to call or send messages. Oh no! I am solo.
6 I wouldn’t be able to find anything to do since all of my events are on facebook. I guess I could drive around aimlessly and look for a place with a lot of cars outside.
7 Something great would happen and then I wouldn’t have my camera to capture the moment.
8 I wouldn’t be able to listen to music and I would be all alone with my thoughts.
9 I would have no clue what the date or time was. Forget about navigation too. I would have to follow the north star.
10 I would have separation anxiety since it allows me to have a wealth of information at my fingertips.
#blog #topten #funny #nophone
Things I wonder:
1 Why do people use the words well done for their meat? That would make you think it cooked perfectly when in fact it is a burnt piece of rubber. A well done piece of meat needs to be chewed until your teeth ache.
2 Why don’t planes have parachutes? Am I really expected to jump with a flotation device? What if I am not near any water? Will I see a mirage?
3 Why do people say work like a dog when they sit on their ass all day? That sounds like a vacation.
4 What’s the deal with training bras? What exactly is the bra training the boobs to do? I am still waiting for them to grow.
5 Did someone mix up the names for Greenland and Iceland because Greenland is cold and icy and Iceland has mild weather?
6 Who decided that the work week is supposed to be 5 days? Must have been an over achiever. Is there any way to appeal this decision? Why do we all go along with it?
7 Why does happy hour have to be between 5 and 6 pm? Maybe I am happy at a different time. I think I should be able to choose.
8 Why is it called a brainstorm when you think real hard? Are we pushing our brains into overdrive? Is there a danger of our brain exploding from the overuse?
9 If a business says that they are going to treat you like family, doesn’t that make you want to run? To me, that means you are about to be tortured during your stay and have to do everything yourself.
10 Why do people say “Bless your heart” if they aren’t really trying to be nice? I used to think that was so sweet until someone said it is mean to be an insult. Why not just say piss off?
#blog #topten #funny #thingsiwonder
What color hair do they list for bald on a drivers license?
Choose from one of the options below:
1 Translucent – See through
2 Challenged – Unable to grow any.
3 Barren – Empty of hair
4 Glossy – Shiny head
5 Lost – Can’t find any
6 Leveled – Taken away
7 Smooth – Overly landscaped
8 Clean – Hair was mowed
9 Not one – None to count
10 Hiding – Having trouble locating any
#blog #topten #funny #bald
Rituals we believe will help our sport teams win:
1 Not shaving your beard until the season is over. How can you expect your team to win when you look like you have been in quarantine for years? Better be careful or the authorities may take you away to the loony bin.
2 Praying to God. Listen, God is a very busy man dealing with serious issues. What makes you think he will drop everything to answer your prayer on demand?
3 Wearing the same outfit as the last time they won. I would think every fan of that team would also have to wear the same exact outfit for this to even be a possibility.
4 You listen to certain music that pumps you up before the game. Now the rest of us have to deal with a super hyper fool.
5 You put a curse on the other team whenever they have the ball so that they will lose. Wow, you must be some kind of witch with all of that Abra Cadabra nonsense.
6 Using your rally towel to cheer on your team. Hit me with that towel one more time and I will wrap it around your neck.
7 Eating a certain meal before the game. Don’t worry about us. We aren’t hungry. We will just starve.
8 Standing in a certain spot while watching the game. Sit down! No one wants to look at you when they are trying to watch the game.
9 Holding a good luck charm. How do you plan to be a good host/hostess using one hand? Put that thing down and stop acting like a two year old.
10 Concentrating really hard so that you can send energy to help the team win. Don’t pop a brain cell over it. We don’t want your brain to overheat.
#blog #funny #topten #sportsrituals
1 You look great in your string bikini but it isn’t made to go into the ocean. A wave comes along and takes your bikini top with it. You are left holding your boobs in your hands.
2 The ocean is rough and you are having a tough time out there with the riptide. Your family thinks you are having the time of your life and waves to you.
3 When you try to act cool walking into the ocean and a wave smacks you down a few notches.
4 You set up right by the water and get something to eat, forgetting about high tide. When you come back you think someone stole your stuff. It’s all in the ocean dummy!
5 You catch the perfect wave or so you think. Sadly you caught the top of the wave and are caught in a washing machine. Every time you try to get up, you are knocked back under.
6 Running in the sand to jump on a skimboard. You wipe out as soon as you hit it.
7 Having a crab grab your big toe and hold on for dear life and you kick as hard as you can to free your toe.
8 You float on your raft and the ocean decides to kidnap you.
9 You mistake a dolphin for a shark and almost drown yourself trying to safely get to shore.
10 Standing ankle-deep in water only to get plowed down by a little kid on a boogie board.
#blog #funny #topten #beachfails
When you get a gift and have none to exchange. You politely excuse yourself for a bathroom trip:
1 You trip trying to run up the stairs as quick as possible. You rummage through your closet with clothes flying everywhere and move on to the jewelry box to see if you have anything with a tag still on it.
2 You throw the contents of your handbag on the floor praying that there is a gift card in one of the compartments that you forgot to use.
3 Next, you run down the hall to see if there is any unused body wash. No luck.
4 Then it hits you that maybe you have some perfume. You go to your special drawer and search. Everything is used. Why do you have to be a fragrance junkie?
5 Oh! You might have some candles. Perfect. Then you remember your friend is a pain in the ass who is sensitive to anything overly scented.
6 You are beginning to sweat and frantically try to come up with a solution. Your husband has the secret stash of money in his drawer. He has no idea that you know about it. You look underneath his socks and NOTHING!! He is on to you and moved it.
7 Then you remember your friend likes to read. On to the bookcase in the study. You find the perfect book but it isn’t going to be enough.
8 It shouldn’t be a problem since you can give it to her with a bottle of wine. You open the wine cabinet to find it empty. Unfortunately, you and your husband are apparently alcoholics who drink everything in sight.
9 You grab one of the plants in your house in desperation or go out to your garden and pick flowers. You have to crawl under the window so that you are undetected.
10 Of course, there is no gift wrap so you improvise with aluminum foil and are proud because the present looks fancy now.
Your friend smiles as you return to the room with your gift and you say, “I am so sorry to keep you waiting. My stomach is a mess!
#blog #funny #topten #nogift
Eating outside at a restaurant isn’t as elegant as it seems
1 If it’s windy you are too busy holding things down to enjoy your meal. It’s more like work.
2 Flies strategically maneuver like F-22 fighter jets to get to your food and are relentless.
3 The sky suddenly opens up in the middle of your dinner for a shower you never asked for and you feel like a drowned rat.
4 It’s so hot that your clothes are sticking to you and you are sticking to the seat.
5 Your hair is long and the wind blows your hair in your face as you take a bite of food. Now you have a mouthful of food wrapped in hair. Yummy.
6 You miss out on the ambiance of the restaurant. You are on the outside looking in. It’s like being stuck at the kid’s table hearing the adults having a good time in the other room.
7 You get a whiff of something that smells like a sewer and immediately lose your appetite. Check, please.
8 If you are outdoors down the shore, you now have seagulls to deal with. If you thought flies were bad, these beach chickens are well trained at getting people’s food.
9 The chairs are very uncomfortable. You have a great meal but now need a chiropractor for your back.
10 You are on vacation at the beach and are dressed for extremely warm weather. The sun sets and it now feels like fall and you don’t have enough clothes for your body. Your teeth are chattering out of your mouth and you need to huddle up next to a bonfire. You settle for hoodies at the souvenir shop across the street that you send your husband to buy.
#blog #funny #topten #outdoordining
Driving with your kid when they have their permit:
1 They look over their shoulder to check lanes and the car goes in the same direction. (In the name of the father, son…)
2 Following too close and stopping at the very last second. (Mom you are overreacting as usual. I had plenty of time. Meanwhile you are thinking that you prefer not to be a crash test dummy)
3 Telling you every rule they learned in driver’s ed and how they are already a much better driver than you. (In your dreams)
4 Speeding because they play Grand Theft Auto on Xbox. (I’m really not speeding. Everyone else is going faster than me. The cops will get them first.)
5 They think putting on the right music is more important than driving. (Hello? We are not sitting in the family room. News flash! Your are driving so DRIVE)
6 Changing lanes without checking the blind spot. (Someone thinks they are invincible. No it is not their fault for hiding. Check your mirror)
7 Waiting to make a left and being overly cautious. Meanwhile traffic is backing up behind you and horns are honking. He flips the bird. (OMG you cannot give people the finger! I am only doing it because you do it Mom. Lord help me)
8 They think yellow means go faster. (Son, yellow means slow down. Well that’s stupid. I still have time.)
9 Whipping the car into parking spots. (You see your life flash before your eyes and wonder how many auto repair shops you will have to pay for all of the cars he will hit.)
10 Slamming on the brakes instead of coasting. (Thanks for the whiplash)
Bonus – Yelling at your kid for almost hitting someone and they get out of the car in the middle of traffic and tell you they are done. True story.