1 You camp on the beach for soccer, and have to go to the bathroom. On the way back everything is dark and you can’t tell one tent from another. You hear snoring that sounds like a grizzly bear and turn to make sure it isn’t chasing you. 2 You go hiking in the woods and can’t find your way back. You ask a tree, but don’t get an answer. Ten miles later, you make it back, but you were only looking to walk 3 miles. 3 Before GPS you would stop and ask for directions. The person would give so many details that you would go as far as you could remember and ask again. After 20 stops or so you would reach your destination. Somehow it always felt like a treasure hunt. 4 When you were younger and your father didn’t stop for directions and would blame it on everyone else in the car if he got lost. How can you blame it on a kid who doesn’t even know how to drive? 5 When your GPS can’t keep up with the City and it tells you to turn three blocks after you passed it. 6 When you really get lost and have no idea where you are, and the locals have no idea where New Jersey is. Where the hell am I? 7 When you have a split-second to make a decision on which direction to go and it is the wrong one, but there is no place to turn around. Change of plans! 8 When you don’t know your North’s from your South’s and somehow end up going East or West. 9 Back in the day when you tried to help with directions only to realize that you had the map upside down 🤦🏻♀️ 10 When you are driving along only to realize that you are on a one-way street. You realize it when traffic is coming at you. At first you wonder why these idiots are going the wrong way and then you realize that you are the idiot. REVERSE!
Ways to get rid of a bad date: 1 “I better get home to my husband.” 2 “Any suggestions on what we should name our kids?” 3 “This is so embarrassing but I am allergic to your cologne.” 4 “I better get home to my kids. An hour is the longest they have been home alone.” 5 “Oh my God, our waiter is so hot! I have to get his number.” 6 Spill your drink on yourself then say you have to go home to change. 7 “I just saw my ex. He must be out of prison. I better go. If he sees me with you, he will kill you.” 8 “I am really not interested in sex anymore. I just need a companion. 9 “Are you paying for dinner? Oh good. I would like a bottle of your best wine and a whole lobster.” 10 Use bad manners. Talk and eat the entire time, burp, and yell for the waiter from across the room.
Public restrooms: 1 Your stomach hurts and you have to do a number 2. You try and hold it until everyone leaves but it can’t wait. Take cover. 2 You see feet underneath a couple stalls down but no noise. It is night time and you’re afraid a murderer is in the bathroom. 3 You already started to tinkle and then notice there is no toilet paper. Now you have to wait until someone comes in next to your stall or drip dry. 4 You are going to the bathroom and a little kids head pops in under your stall. Uh hello, where is your mommy and why is she letting you crawl on the floor? 5 You aren’t done going to the bathroom yet and the toilet flushes. It is so powerful that you look like you just took a shower. 6 Someone is talking on the phone in their stall. Really! Can you be quiet? 7 Someone is just about taking a bath in the sink. Don’t stare. Just walk away. 8 Your door won’t lock and it’s the only one left. You keep playing ping pong with it until you are done and are exhausted. 9 You think the stall is empty and the door is stuck so you pull it open. Surprise! Someone is sitting on the toilet. They look ridiculous and angry. Run! 10 The person next to you keeps trying to have a conversation. You just want them to go away. Creepy!
Watching the weather forecast 😳 1 By the time they get through a full five days, I forget everything they just said. I can only handle one day per episode. 2 I really don’t need the weather for the rest of the country I didn’t ask. There’s a storm in the MidWest? Ok but clouds blow so they can go anywhere. 3 All I really need to know is how cold it will feel outside for the next day. I need to pick out an outfit. C’mon help me out. 4 Multiple day forecasts are useless to me since it always seems to change anyway. Tell me the day before. I get tired of changing my plans. 5 My advice to everyone, stick your head out the front door for the most accurate forecast. 6 Looking at arrows and patterns on maps reminds me of John Madden marking up my TV screen during football games. Hey stop writing, I am trying to see the game! 7 The current forecast says cloudy but all I see is the sun,shining very brightly as if it is mocking the weather people. 8 Cloud cover, visibility, dew point, the direction of the wind or the ceiling is not relevant to me. I am not flying a plane 9 If it’s just a prediction, maybe I would be better off going to a fortune teller. 10 If you keep getting it wrong, how do you still have a job? NEXT!
When your picnic doesn’t turn out quite the way you planned: 1 An army of 🐜 ants decides to join the party. 2 Bees 🐝 start chasing and keep you running instead of eating. 3 A seagull waits until you set up your picnic and calls his friends to tell them lunch is ready. They swoop in and leave you with crumbs. 4 You packed lunch for four but some kid you never met before decides to become a part of your family. 5 You set up under a pavilion. The ranger politely waits until you are ready to eat then tells you the area is reserved. Very funny. 6 You decide to sit in the grass to get closer to nature. The next day you have poison ivy. 7 It’s much windier than you thought. Lunch turns into chase after your food, plates, napkins and cups. 8 You put ice in the cooler instead of ice packs. Everyone’s sandwich is soggy. 9 You have delicious food and snacks but no napkins. 10 You have to go to the bathroom but there’s no bathroom in sight.
Allergies: 1 Your eyes get so red it looks like you smoked the wacky tobacky, or they are so puffy it looks like you didn’t sleep in weeks. 2 You sneeze so many times that people are tired of blessing you and seem angry 😤 as if you are doing it on purpose. 3 Your nose is running off of your face. You are about to shove tissues up your nose until it stops. 4 You broke out into hives and look like you have a catchy disease. No one wants to come near you. 5 You have asthma and your coughing fit turns into an asthma attack. People ask if you are alright while impatiently waiting for you to answer. You can’t speak so you start gesturing wildly like a game of charades. 6 You ate something that you are allergic to and your face blows up like a pufferfish. Epi-pen anyone? 7 Your nose is so stuffed and you have a sinus headache. Every time you sneeze you feel great for 3 seconds until your head fills up again. 8 Your eyes keep watering, and people think you are crying. They are treating you so nice that you don’t feel like telling them it’s allergies. 9 You can’t find the right allergy meds. One makes you zonk out at work. The other makes you speed like you drank a pot of espresso. 10 You can’t hear because your ears won’t pop and when you bend over to pick something up, you are immediately dizzy and have to hold onto something.
How to drive your kids crazy: 1 Wait until they sit down and get nice and comfy then ask for something to eat or drink. 2 Take their car out and use all of their gas so they have to fill up their car next time they drive it. 3 Since they never write down when they use the last of something, hide all the batteries so that they are out of luck when their controller turns off. Too bad. 4 Talk non stop when they are watching their favorite show. 5 Leave your stuff all over the family room floor and see how they like it. 6 Tell someone what your kid said about them or rat on them to dad. 7 Jump up and down on their bed when they are sleeping. 8 Bust in on them when they are in the bathroom. 9 Ignore them when they call your name and make them repeat themselves a few times. 10 If you have a boy, saran wrap the toilet so that it gets everywhere when they pee. It’s not like they can hit the target anyway.