1 Your temper has a mind of its own. One little comment can put you right over the edge and unleashes the tasmanian devil. 2 You eat six meals a day and are still hungry. 3 You are bleeding every month now and have to wear a diaper instead of a bandaid. It somehow makes you a woman but it is a punishment. 4 You wake up one day and your voice sounds like Darth Vader. Whoa, what the heck? 5 Every time you look at a hot girl it feels like you are pitching a tent and it won’t go down. 6 You have these beautiful boobs and just want to show them off every chance you get. Your mom lectures you on the importance of wearing a bra. 7 You wash your face constantly and it looks like a pizza. 8 Your parents constantly get on your nerves and suddenly their stories are embarrassing to you. 9 You have to shave and it is an ordeal that is dangerous. The worst part is that it keeps growing back and you have to shave two days later. 10 Something smells like a hoagie. You have no idea it is you until your mom buys you body sprays and deodorant.
1 You tried to pick it and now it looks like an angry volcano. 2 You put concealer on it but now it is more noticeable. 3 You put ice on it. The zit is still there but your face is numb. 4 You put a dab of toothpaste on it. Now you have fresh breath and a minty face. 5 You mixed a natural home remedy with garlic cloves and lemon. Now you have a rash on your face in addition to the pimple you started with. 6 You tried witch hazel but now you are casting spells and the pimple moved to the tip of your nose. 7 You used super glue instead of Elmer’s to remove the pimple. Oops, you just lost a layer of skin and look sunburnt. 8 Your pimple on your forehead is so big it looks like a cyclops. It is getting worse so you tie on a headband to cover that sucker up. 9 Nothing is working so strap a mask on and call it a day. 10 Color it black and call it a beauty mark.
1 They develop a case of amnesia and forget to pay you back. 2 They think you have more money than them and you can afford it. 3 They come up with excuses of being in a tight situation, yet they drive a new car, regularly go to bars, and buy lunch out. 4 They get mad when you bring it up and stop talking to you. Good one! 5 They avoid you like the plague. If you don’t exist, they don’t have to pay it back. 6 They tell you that they paid you already. They laugh at you for having a bad memory when you know they are outright lying. 7 They tell you next time, because they don’t carry cash. Next time turns into next year and then never. 8 They try and say that they never borrowed money from you. You have them mixed up with someone else. 9 They get all indignant and write IOU on a bar napkin. How about you keep buying me drinks on your credit card until I am paid in full. 10 Do you mind coming with me to the police department? Why? I need to file a report since you stole from me.
1 Save that instrument in case we need to do an autopsy. 2 Accept this sacrifice great lord of darkness. 3 Spot! Put that down! Bad dog!! 4 Hand me that thing a ma bob over there. 5 Fire!! Evacuate the premises immediately! 6 Well folks, we all learn from our mistakes. Better luck next time. 7 Honey, what do you mean you want a DIVORCE!! 8 Damn, I am having trouble focusing today. 9 Oh no! Where are my instructions? I forget what comes next. 10 Just hand me the instrument. You don’t need to sterilize it. The three-second rule applies here.
Dealing with salespeople (I wouldn’t want their job and I do empathize):
1 They promise not to hover, but every time you turn around, there they are! 2 They ring the doorbell while you are making dinner. You try to ignore it but they refuse to go away. 3 You tell them your bottom line and you are still required to go through all of the haggling before reaching the bottom line. 4 You don’t believe in warranties. You politely say no when offered but this particular person won’t take no for an answer. They let you know you will be up a creek without a paddle when something goes wrong. Thanks, I’ll be taking those odds. 5 You agree to buy a car and then they try to throw in all of the extras and have the nerve to charge you for every little thing. What do you mean, the steering wheel is extra? 6 When you listen to all of the jibber-jabber and decide the product is not for you, the person keeps trying different angles. Yeah, it’s still a no! 7 When going door to door selling solar panels, they let you know that Joe Blow down the street is interested in their product. Great! Tell them to pay for mine while they are at it. 8 This guy talks so much that you can’t even get a word in. Okay, I’m just going to close the door and let you talk to yourself. 9 They tell you, “It’s your loss.” Can you get your boss on the phone? I want to return the favor so that when you lose your job, it can be your loss. 10 Stop following me and telling me about every product that I put my finger on. One more word and I am going to start throwing things!
1 You fall asleep and everyone is staring at you like you are crazy when you finally open your eyes. 2 You are so late to the surprise party that the guests think you are the guest of honor. They yell surprise and then the real guest of honor shows up. What a mess! 3 You are talking about depressing topics such as every ailment that you are experiencing instead of having fun. Everyone is trying to get away from you. 4 You are the first one to leave and you didn’t stay long enough to even say you went to a party. Stay home next time. 5 You were assigned one of the main dishes and forgot all about it. Now everyone has to starve. 6 You brought kids to an adult party. Tsk tsk. 7 You keep telling jokes that aren’t funny and annoying everyone around you. 8 You get sloppy drunk and are standing nose to nose with people when talking. Yo buddy, go drink some mouthwash. 9 You monopolize the conversation and drone on and on which wouldn’t be a problem if you were interesting. 10 You keep trying to interrupt people who are in deep conversation and you are clearly unwanted. Take a hint and go far far away. Bye!
1 When your GYN is examining you and holding a full conversation at the same time. 2 When your GYN keeps telling you to scootch down, and you are afraid you are going to land on his nose. 3 When you go for a mammogram and they tell you to hold your breath. “Lady, I can’t even breathe.” 4 When your breasts are smaller and the technician keeps playing with them like silly putty to get them on the tray. 5 When they tell you to push when you are in labor, and you have no idea what you are doing. You fart instead. 6 When you have to drink 32 ounces of water 1 hour before your ultrasound test. You feel like you are drowning while trying to drink that much, and then you have to pee so bad. Sometimes they tell you to go to the restroom and let a little out. Hard to do when you are about to bust. There is no stopping a flood. 7 When your GYN enters your back door. “Whoa there buddy. That door is off limits.” 8 When your GYN does a breast exam, and it feels like he is kneading pizza dough. Make it stop! 9 When you are told to undress and put a paper gown on. You get undressed in less than a minute so that you don’t get caught naked. There was no need to rush, because you sit there cold and waiting for the doctor for a long time. 10 When you go to the ER as a teenager for pain that you think is appendicitis, only to find out that it is just ovulation. (true story by the way) Ummm, what is my ovary the size of a watermelon!!
1 He lies about his salary to impress her. He says he makes 3 figures a week. Well, $400 is 3 figures. 2 She tells him he is so funny even though she really doesn’t get his jokes at all. She lets out a fake laugh that is so loud because she really wants to cry. 3 He says he has a place of his own but neglects to say he has 3 other roommates. His room is his own. 4 She says she is fine splitting the check when he asks. Honey, you will never see her again. You can’t open that wallet for a first date? C’ya. 5 He makes his last breakup seem mutual and embellishes a bit so that you don’t think any less of him. He is looking to impress you instead of telling you his stalking habits after the breakup. 6 She doesn’t tell you about her child, because it’s a little detail that she can surprise you with some other time. 7 He tells you how busy he is all the time because you wouldn’t ask for a second date if you knew that he was a couch potato who preferred to stay home. 8 She says that she runs when he asks about working out. Truth is, she runs around, but not to the gym. 9 He says he loves romantic comedies because he knows you will think he is awesome. Hopefully, you will forget if the relationship lasts. 10 She says she isn’t much of a drinker but that tonight is a special occasion. She can really knock them back because she is a boozehound.
1 You try to be mindful when going out to dinner. You order the special, which ends up being the most expensive thing on the menu. Ripoff! 2 You get some extra cash but the house finds out about it and wants it’s fair share. 3 You keep telling Alexa to order things for you. They are inexpensive but add up quicker than you can count the money. 4 Your cable company charges so much that you need to take out a mortgage to pay for it. 5 You buy your coffee every day. It’s not a magic trick. You can make your own just as good. 6 Your car guy is aware that you don’t know diddly squat about cars. He talks you into a whole bunch of extra maintenance that you don’t need. 7 You are on vacation, therefore you are entitled to anything you want. You do know that you are getting billed for all of those luxuries later? 8 You get a cleaning service and clean up before they come. Why? 9 You pay for bottled water 💧 that comes from questionable water sources. You are better off taking your chance with spigot water. 10 You pay for warranties that you will never use or never cover what breaks. Let it ride. That way you don’t have to hear, “Your warranty doesn’t cover that. It would have been covered under the premium warranty.” Too bad sucker.
1 He shows up on a bike, and it’s not a motorcycle. 2 She drinks too much and throws up on you when you make a move. 3 He shows up with a reinforcement. Umm no, three is a crowd. 4 She forgets your name and attempts to remember by using the wrong one. 5 He gets out a calculator to figure out who pays for what. 6 She talks negatively about her ex the whole time. It seems like she doesn’t even like men. 7 He brings you back to his place, except it isn’t his place. His room is in the basement of his mom’s house, and he is thirty. 8 She doesn’t make eye contact with you the entire night. However, she flirts with the waiter and doesn’t hide the fact that he left his number on the bill. 9 He tells you to dress nicely. You wear a cute red dress, and he shows up in a Grateful Dead shirt and jeans. 10 She tells you she is looking for a serious relationship and wants to have a baby within the next year. Run!!