When you don’t expect a Pop Quiz: 1 Your mind immediately goes blank and you cannot think if your life depended on it. 2 There is a ticking time bomb in your head or Jeopardy music to remind you that you are running out of time. 3 You feel like you are in the wrong class. The questions may as well be in a foreign language. 4 You want to get the best grade possible. You are regretting not sitting next to someone smarter since you are looking off of their paper. 5 Pop quizzes are supposed to be multiple choice, not essay! 6 Just because you are in a bad mood doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me. 7 Next time, print the answers on the back so that I have the answer key. I don’t like surprises. 8 I will forgive you for being inconsiderate if you tell me that this quiz doesn’t count towards my grade. 9 Why are you punishing me? These questions aren’t even easy. 10 I am afraid this isn’t a good time for me. My hands are shaking, my palms are sweaty, and I am hyperventilating. This quiz might just kill me!
You Might Fail Army Bootcamp if: 1 You need to have the last word 2 You need swimmies in the pool 3 They wake you up at 4 a.m. and you tell the sergeant you are sleeping in today 4 Your sergeant yells and points at you and you slap his hand away telling him it’s rude to point. 5 When you are told to clean the floor on your hands and knees and you ask for a Swiffer. 6 You show up to camp with long hair and refuse to get it cut. 7 You ask your instructor if he is deaf because he always yells 8 You are told to climb the rope and you ask where the knots are to make climbing easier 9 You ask when you get to shoot something 10 You show up to the morning run in flip flops and swim trunks
Signs that your day might not turn out great: 1 You forgot to set your alarm and now you are late! 2 You made yourself lunch, but it is still sitting on the kitchen counter. 3 You wake up with a banger of a headache and didn’t even drink. 4 You are walking on the sidewalk in the rain and a car drives through a puddle. You look like you were hit by a wave. 5 You are taking groceries in the house. As you grab a bag out of the trunk it breaks, spilling milk and eggs all over the driveway. 6 You wash your hair and can’t do a thing with it. It looks like a science project gone wrong. 7 You take off your glasses at the car wash and leave them on your seat so they don’t get wet You forget about them and plop down in the drivers seat when you get back in the car. Crunch. 8 The boss yells at you at work. Hey, I could have stayed him if I wanted to get yelled at. Bye. 9 You are almost out of gas and pay day isn’t until tomorrow. You dig up $2.00 in coins from your car to pay at the gas station. Hopefully it will last until tomorrow. 10 You keep losing things and at this rate, you will never get out of the house.
When you say hello to people and they don’t say it back:
1 It’s cool. I like feeling like a jackass when you look at me but say nothing. 2 I say hello back to myself so that there is no uncomfortable silence. 3 I look around pretending someone else said it. 4 Say it louder. The person is obviously hard of hearing. 5 Wave frantically so they get the picture. 6 Say it in another language. Bonjour, hola, ciao. If you don’t know those, my give a damn is busted. 7 Dummy. The person had earbuds in and couldn’t hear you. You will have to take better notice. Those people get a smile with a polite wave. Or a cool what’s up nod. 8 Oh geez, they looked standoffish. I’m not a creeper. Not trying to hurt you. Just wanted to say hello. 9 They stare at you with a rude look instead. Whoa, killer. Easy. I take my hello back. You don’t deserve one. Next time I will slap you across the face. 10 Am I dead? I must be a ghost.
1 You look so pretty. I can’t believe you’re still single. (Wow. It’s hard to believe your mom loves you.) 2 Don’t take this the wrong way… (Let me stop you right there since you already started off with your foot in your mouth.) 3 You look so much younger with that hairstyle. (And you will look so much better with the black eye I am going to give you!) 4 You should wear makeup all the time. (And you should tape your mouth shut.) 5 Your baby is precious. He looks nothing like you. (Did you ever look in the mirror.) 6 You carry your weight well. (So well that I can stuff you head first in the trash can.) 7 You’re pretty when you smile. (Maybe you just aren’t funny enough to make me smile.) 8 You’re so cool, it’s like hanging with one of the guys. (Ouch you just friend-zoned me.) 9 It’s awesome that you don’t care what you look like. (I don’t? What the hell are you saying?) 10 You played so well tonight.. Must have been luck. (The only skill you have is running your mouth.)
Italians: 1 We add extra syllables to words. 2 When we get together the dining room table is full of desserts. 3 If four people are coming for dinner, we cook enough for fifteen. God forbid we run out of food. 4 We talk with our mouths and our hands. If you tie up our hands, we are at a loss for words. 5 If you visit and say you aren’t very hungry, you will live to regret it. 6 We have no idea what indoor voice means. We talk loud. 7 We drink wine with every meal and eat bread. 8 We love to eat and when you are full, it is time for dessert. Manga. 9 We keep asking you if you want to eat, even if you say no. There is no such thing as a diet. 10 You always have to spell your last name.
1 Throwing pasta into boiling water and forgetting to lower the temperature. Volcano 🌋! 2 Heating up oil and throwing chicken in the frying pan. You get splattered all over by angry oil. Oochie Ouchie! 3 In an attempt to avoid under-cooking your cookies, you end up with hockey pucks. 4 Cracking eggs and getting shells in your food. Crunch crunch. 5 You have no clue when the meat is done so you keep flipping it in the pan. Maybe it will jump out when it is done. Flippity flop. 6 You forget to spray the pan and can’t get the eggs out. The poor eggs look like they have been thru a war. 7 While waiting for your food to bake, you occupy yourself until it is done. Then you forget until smoke starts coming out of the oven. 911! 8 Your meal turns out perfectly then you drop it on the floor. Three-second rule? 9 Messing up on a recipe and trying to save the dish by adding more stuff. Botched! Just throw it away already. 10 You undercook your cake and while it is cooling, it implodes. Oh my!
What to say to your child when they say “I’m bored”:
1 “Okay, you can help with some chores.” 2 “Here, read this book.” 3 “Take out the trash.” 4 “You can come food shopping with me.” 5 “You can mow the lawn for your father.” 6 “Why don’t you work on your report for school and get it out of the way?” 7 “Let’s go get that haircut for you right now.” 8 “Perfect, go through your closet and get rid of the clothes you don’t wear anymore.” 9 “Go play with your sister.” 10”Let’s go for a long walk.”
1 My husband asks me to look up how much he made last year. On my way upstairs, I bring up the shampoo on the steps and put it in the upstairs closet. 2 The closet is a mess, so I organize it and throw away old medicines. I get a trash bag from downstairs and bring a laundry basket upstairs. The bag isn ‘t quite full so I empty trash cans. 3 While I am in my son’s room, I make the bed and gather dirty laundry. Back downstairs. 4 I throw the dirty clothes in the wash and go back upstairs. I go to my room and put away the clean laundry. I go to the bathroom when I am done and proceed to clean both bathrooms upstairs. 5 The boys’ bathroom has a dirty glass on the sink so back downstairs to put it in the dishwasher. 6 The dishwasher is full so I empty it and then fill it with dirty dishes. I clean the counter and notice a pile of mail. 7 I go through the mail and pay the bills. Back upstairs to file everything away. 8 I decide to rearrange my office and run the vacuum. I may as well do the rest of the house. 9 My husband asks if I looked up his income. Back upstairs to look through the tax returns. While I’m here, I should get a folder ready for this year with notes. 10 Finally, I am done and go downstairs to tell hubby what I found. Now he asks, how much dental coverage do we have through our insurance. Oh boy, here we go again!
1 If someone shows up to dinner with a fork and knife, show them the door. What an embarrassment. 2 It turns you into a savage and you just can’t get enough. 3 If you don’t look a mess, you aren’t eating them right. 4 I’m sorry, I can’t pass that dish right now. I am slathered in bbq sauce. 5 They are so delicious that if you don’t have a pile of bones in your plate, you shouldn’t be eating. 6 If that bone isn’t clean, keep going. 7 Forget the paper bib, it’s expected to have bbq sauce everywhere. 8 When you are done, you feel like you died and went to heaven. 9 Don’t expect much conversation at the table other than mmmm. 10 I don’t need a napkin, I will lick my fingers to clean them.