Getting past St. Peter at heaven’s gate:
1 St Peter: “Welcome to heaven. We are glad to have you here.” Me: “Holy shit! I friggin made it. Yesss!” St. Peter: “Did you just curse?” The floor opens and I free fall to hell. Noooo.
2 Me: “Psst. I will give you $1,000 if you let me in.” St Peter: Your money is no good here. You are hereby sentenced to hell for the afterlife.
3 Me: “Hey baby, you are looking sexy in that robe tonight.” St. Peter: “Inappropriate. You can go tempt Lucifer.”
4 Me: “You don’t keep track of every sin do you?” St. Peter: Rolls out a giant carpet documenting every sin committed.
5 St. Peter: “Well I don’t know if I can let you in with all of these violations.” Me: “I demand a call to my lawyer and a jury of peers that I hand pick myself.”
6 Me: “My tax money pays for this country club so you work for me.” St Peter: “Is that right? Why are you locked out then?”
7 St. Peter: “Move along. Nothing to see here. Hell is that way.” Me: “I call bullshit. Do you have a witness?”
8 St. Peter: “Let’s talk about your sins.” Me: No no-no. Let’s talk about your sins.
9 Me: Open this gate or so help me God! St. Peter: “Strike three you’re out.”
10 St Peter: “In 2015 you lied to your mother.” Me: It wasn’t me. You must have me confused with someone else.